Getting away with being a really horrible person: A how-to guide… step 4…

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We are now getting to some of the more advanced tips on getting away with being a complete curmudgeon, scoundrel, cad and bounder… sorry for the harsh terminology.

When you are confronted with accusations pertaining to your outlandish behavior, and someone is pointing out your misdeeds and misdoings, instead of answering the allegations, try saying the following:

“I know you are, but what am I?”

Every time anybody so much as mentions your disgusting outrage, just reply with that line. In fact, you can step up your game by repeating the line over and over again, until such time as your accuser shakes their head in disgust and walks away.

Of course, that reply might not always work in the context of your particular horribleness. You can substitute something like:

“No, you did!”

Or just:

“Wrong!”

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Getting away with being a really horrible person: A how-to guide… step 3…

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Invariably, if you decide to become a really horrible person, people will catch on. And then, someone might just ask you about some of the horrible things that you did. Do not try lying, not yet. You are still an amateur at this. Wait until you make it through all of my lessons before you try lying.

What you should start off with is simply not answering the question. There are two ways to go about this. You can just stand there with a blank, stupid look on your face. The person asking questions might get bored and wander off. If they don’t, you should start pointing at anyone else near you, and asking them if they have any questions about something that actually matters. If that obnoxious person who is asking uncomfortable questions isn’t put off by this and keeps trying to ask questions, then you should tell them they are a fake human being, and then go back to step two. Repeat until you get some questions you like.

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Getting away with being a really horrible person: A how-to guide… step 2…

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Congratulations! You did it! You became a world-class douche-nozzle, a life-sized human phlegm statue, a vile, despicable, low-life piece of swamp vermin! Good job!

Now we can get into the actual lesson plan for how to get away with all the reprehensible things you are going to do to your fellow man.

The first thing to learn… and this is crucial… is that, if nobody says anything, you have already gotten away with whatever it was that you just did. I mean, sure, it might come back to haunt you later, if it is caught on video, or, if I am wrong about the whole ‘religion’ thing, there is a very real chance that you will end up burning in hell fire, or whatever your idea of karmatic justice is… but for now, just keep doing what you are doing, or walk away… or continue to milk a pair of microphones, or stir two martinis with black swizzle sticks, or whatever.

You have taken your first step towards pure evil. You deserve a martini.If your vile deed does come back to haunt you, you will be better prepared for it if you keep reading this series.

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Getting away with being a really horrible person: A how-to guide… step 1…

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Step one is actually the hardest part. In order to get away with being a really horrible person, first, you have to become a really horrible person… unless you already are a really horrible person, and then, well, you came to the right place!

Now, I am not suggesting that you become a really horrible person if you don’t want to. This is a humor blog… (that is actually a front for a top-secret organization bent on taking over the world… through the clever use of a humor blog)… but I am not in the business of creating more really horrible people. The world has enough of those.

So, for the sake of playing along with my premise, and furthering my satirical rampage, let’s pretend that you want to become a really horrible person… for whatever reason.

Here are some simple suggestions of ways to accomplish that:

Mock the handicapped.

Cheat on your spouse.

Defraud some investors.

Don’t pay your taxes.

Insult any race on the planet… or every race on the planet, if you are ambitious.

Grab some unsuspecting pussy.

Cheat some contractors.

Swindle some students.

I could go on with this for the rest of the day, but you get the idea. And you don’t have to rely on the ideas I listed here. You are clever and capable. You can come up with awesome ways to become a complete jerk if you set your mind to it.

Okay, I will give you some time to play around with your dark side. Meet me back here later for all the ways to get out of the trouble you are about to get yourself in, and even make it pay off… for you.

Who knows, if you follow my program, you might end up as the president someday.

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Against all enemies, both foreign and domestic…

I am going to make one more attempt to tell you how close we are to becoming a totalitarian state with a dictator as our leader. Because I don’t think most people really see the threat looming over us. But it is very real.

When the hardcore members of the republican party talk about enemies of the domestic variety, yes, they do mean terrorists and subversives and traitors, oh my, but the thing you must realize is that their definition of an ‘enemy of the state’ might not be the same as yours.

They don’t always see homegrown militias, paramilitary groups, and armed radical organizations as the enemy. That is because a lot of these people voted them into office. And I don’t just mean those guys who dress up in camouflage on weekends and go out shooting at stuff. This now includes groups as radical as the KKK.

Somehow, these people who are so concerned with keeping America strong, have come to view liberals as the true enemy. They think we are weakening the country. Anyone who wants to take money away from the military and spend it on poor people are traitors.

Women who want the right to choose what they do with their own bodies are more of a threat than those armed ranchers who took over a highway and a state park… carrying guns.

Native Americans protesting an oil corporation desecrating their sacred land are more of a threat than the freekin’ KKK.

People who want to provide healthcare for those that do not have any are a bigger threat than Vladimir Putin.

Bear in mind that many of these people believe the fake news on the internet. And if you look into that stuff, it is pretty scary. There are now viral videos going around, portrayed as actual news stories, saying that the liberals are planning not only violent protests during the inauguration ceremony, but perhaps an actual terrorist attack of some sort… and that liberals are planning a massed, armed uprising in the months ahead.

This is sort of ironic, because I have to admit I had some of the same ideas about the republicans when Obama was elected. I am surprised that not one of those idiots living in a bunker somewhere, worrying that the ‘gov’min’t’ was coming to take away his guns, didn’t take a shot at Obama during all that time. Maybe they were busy working at one of the millions of jobs he created, or getting their teeth fixed with their new health coverage.

All I am saying is that, if you are a liberal, and you stand up to the new administration in any way, that one of tRump’s own advisers admitted during an actual news interview that they are keeping lists of everyone who opposes them… or disagrees with them.

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Is that a moon rainbow?

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I guess it didn’t show up in the photo as well as I was hoping it would It was awesome in real life. It is a circular rainbow around the moon… except it isn’t raining here… and I suspect it isn’t raining on the moon either.

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And what do you call a round rainbow, anyway? Especially if it isn’t raining.

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But I wish the colors had come out better so you could see what I saw.

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I just want a pet dragon, is that too much to ask?

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Maybe I should have filed the spike off and put a saddle there… but still…

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Can we stop calling them buildings?

I get confused by the word ‘building’. Somehow, it is not only a thing you do, but the thing you are doing that thing to. To me, it makes no sense that, once you are done doing that thing, you still call it the same thing you did to do it… if you see what I mean.

I am going to build a building.

I am building a building.

I built a building.

At that point, shouldn’t we start calling the building that you built a ‘built’?

I am going to build a building… (or, would that be: I am going to build a built?)

I am building a building.

I built a built.

I live in a built.

Calling them ‘buildings’ sounds like we are still working on them.

A city should be made up of lots of builts. I know, little red squiggly spell-checker line, ‘builts’ is not a word. But maybe it should be.

A builder builds buildings, a builder built builts.

And, as long as we are on the subject, build/building/built don’t even look like they are spelled right. It is an awkward word. Maybe we should respell them:

I am bilding a bilding.

I am a bilder, I bild bildings.

I bilt a bilt.

Okay, glad I could clear this up for you. This is the kind of common sense leadership that you will end up with… once you elect me as the king of all the known universes.

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Just a sunrise…

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I had to take my mother-in-law to the airport yesterday morning.

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I took these pictures with my cell phone, so the quality could be better.

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Maybe I need to play with the settings. Anyway, I walked out on a little dock to take these pictures of the sun rising over downtown San Diego.

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I saw the Coast Guard dawn patrol flight taking off. I also met a cute little dog, but the picture didn’t come out.

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Okay, zooming does not make it better. I figured after all those tRump posts, this would be a nice change of pace. Plus, I like it when travel and photography bloggers follow me… and then realize what a freak show it is around here. HA!

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I found this one gratuitous selfie of me, riding the cable car on one of our day trips to San Francisco when we were in the Bay Area visiting my mom at Christmas. I don’t think I posted it, but can there ever really be too many pictures of me?

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I’m done talking about tRump… at least until he is sworn in… or does something really stupid… so I guess we will see what the crack squirrels in my head come up with next.

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Stop telling us you are the ‘real America’, tRump supporters!!!

Because you aren’t. This country was established under the premise of freedom of religion for everybody, not just white Christians. Yes, we had slavery, but we fought a war to end it, and then fought political battles to make all people equal under the law, because that is the way the majority wanted it.

We aren’t strong and great because our armies can beat other armies. We are strong and great because no one else uses their military as often or as effectively to come to the aid of other countries that are suffering a famine or natural catastrophe.

I’m sorry if we are leaving you behind. I’m sorry if you think things were better in the ‘good old boys’… whoops… sorry… I mean: ‘good old days’.

Most Americans want the LGTB communities to be treated fairly, for minorities and immigrants to be included in the American dream, for women to be treated as partners in life, for the poor to be able to rise out of poverty and the sick to be healed.

I’m sorry if this means you might have to give up a few things. I’m sorry if this might cost you a few dollars in taxes. I’m sorry if this means you aren’t first in every line anymore.

Someday, the world will look back on this time as the last, dying gasp of people who put themselves first above everybody else, no matter the cost to their own country or morality. If you want to go down in history as one of the dying breed of Archie Bunkers, then go right ahead. You are putting a speed bump on the road to a better world of brotherhood and togetherness, you aren’t derailing the train. Every year, more children who want an inclusive society are born, and every year, more dinosaurs die off. This is the evolution you don’t want to believe in. We will be a mixed-race society of open-minded people, and you can’t stop it. You can’t make all the people who are different than you, or disagree with you, vanish. Hitler tried that, and the world rose up and crushed him like the cockroach that he was.

Maybe you aren’t a racist, or a sexist, or a homophobic, or a moron, but you voted with a lot of people who are those thing. I didn’t.

And you know what else? You are better off now, at the end of Obama’s presidency, no matter how much FOX news or made-up online news or your own fear are telling you you aren’t. And you won’t be, by the time this new guy gets out of office.

So enjoy it while you can.

 

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