Oh man… I crack me up…

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Also, have I mentioned that I really love Photoshop?

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Uncle Artie’s easy advice for making your life better… part 1… maybe…

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I know, I give good advice on making your life better all the time, but this is just another of those silly things that will make you, and perhaps even the people around you, smile.

All you have to do is say the following:

“Farty parts and poopy pants,

poopy pants and farty parts,

farty pants and poopy parts,

poopy parts and farty pants”…

Okay, I lied. That isn’t all you have to do. You have to pick a silly tune to sing those words to. Once you have done that, the next step is to pick a funny, cartoony voice to sing the song in.

There is one other thing…

You have to do this over and over, going faster and faster. Don’t worry when you mess it up… and you will.

Oh, and do not do this at work, you might get fired.

But DO do this at the grocery store, or the dentist office waiting room, or when you are in the yard doing some gardening, or washing the dishes. And mostly, do this when little kids are around. Not TOO LITTLE! It might offend someone. Use your common sense and good judgement. I don’t have either of those, so I am counting on you. And do this in front of adults too. Family, friends, complete strangers. Trust me. Either they will smile at you and you should keep them in your life, or they will quickly move away from you. If they do, let them. You don’t need them in your life.

Okay, now go out and be silly. Take your inner child to the Disneyland of your imagination.

 

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Fun history… part 1… William the Conqueror; AKA- Willie the Exploding Bastard…

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I am sure that for most of you, when you hear the name ‘William the Conqueror’ the obvious things pop into your historical-knowledge-filled craniums: Leader of the Normans from France, conquered England in 1066, the battle of Hastings, started construction that led to the famous White Tower, or Tower of London, and so on and so forth.

First, let’s start with the assumption that the Normans were French. I mean, in a way they were, but just a generation or two before they were actually Vikings, led by a guy named Rollo. They were raiding so successfully in France that the king of the French told them they could have a bunch of gold and a big patch of land in Normandy if they would stop with the looting and pillaging.

These Vikings decided that this was a good deal. Then, they decided that if they were going to stay, they would dang well become more French than the French were. They dressed French, they ate French, they fought French… except for the tendency to surrender… and voila, they were French.

The thing about William is that nobody called him ‘the Conqueror’ while he was alive. They mostly… not to his face, because he was something of a bad-ass… called him ‘William the Bastard’, because his father, the king, wasn’t married to his mother. This was a big deal in those days, and put you low on the list for inheriting anything, let alone a crown.

But by far the most interesting thing about old Willie happened to him after his death. It seems that he had put on weight… a lot of weight. He was injured falling onto his horse’s neck when it jumped over something while on a royal hunt. The pommel, or saddle horn, rammed into his rather impressive belly, and something inside must have sprung a slow leak. He took a while to die. But that isn’t the funny part. If you thought it was, you are weirder and sicker than me.

When he did die, and they carted his remains to the cathedral to put him into his fancy stone sarcophagus, well, it had taken a while for everyone to gather. So his body had been laying around for a few weeks. Now, it was even more swollen. And not-so-fresh.

When the monks tried to cram him into his eternal resting place, he wouldn’t fit, and jumping on the lid helped… if, by helped you mean that his internal organs left their internal resting place in a rather explosive manner.

Yup, he popped like a meat balloon full of very old innards. He went off like an infected zit. Green smelly goo and meat-chunks splattered the inside of the church, and the smell caused everyone to flee. Now that is what you call a sendoff.

I can’t help thinking that some monk, at this point, turned to the nearest peasant or serf, told him to go fetch a mop… if they had mops yet, which I doubt… and told him to start cleaning.

If you enjoyed this, tell me, and I will do some more fun history posts.

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Sorry, this is all I have to give you…

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Also, I am going to start a new blog series called: Fun History. I am listening to this English guy’s podcast about the history of England at work, and after 50 episodes, we are only up to Richard the Lionhearted. I am sure you will be all atingle and aflutter at the idea of learning some of the more fascinating parts of history that you probably didn’t learn about in school… and it will have my particular spin… so… uh… yeah!!!

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Dogs… what are you gonna do?

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Just be glad I cropped that image.

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But that isn’t even our smart dog, and he has almost mastered the concepts of ‘blanket’ and ‘pillow’.

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This is what writing my new novel looks like…

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I will update you as I begin to progress.

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If Romeo and Juliette had been snails…

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Now that I look at the picture, I am not 100% positive that they are dead. Do snails sleep on their backs? Do snails sleep at all? Do snails dream? Maybe they are just tucked up nice and tight, way down in those shells. Maybe they are having a sleepover. I don’t know the story. Maybe one is dead, and the other just lay down beside that one to die also. Whatever happened, there must be a story behind it.

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