Pouring My Art Out

I started a Facebook campaign recently, running for the position of Supreme Leader of all the Universes.

And I won.

There has been some suggestion that my victory was due mostly to low voter turnout.

But if you do not mind a suggestion, there are some very good reasons why you might want to consider putting me in charge of everything. Just for a year or two. You know darn well that I will get bored being the Overlord and move on to something else. That’s just the way I am.

But here are a few things I will try to get done before my attention begins to wander;

1. I will take away everyone’s cars, and replace them with those bumper cars you see at fairs and amusement parks.

The advantages to my plan are numerous. It will drastically reduce our consumption of oil and gas, and curtail global warming. Billions of dollars will be saved if we eliminate traffic accidents. Texting and driving, no problem. Heck, you can drive drunk if you want. We wont even need lanes on the freeways anymore. If someone cuts you off, just ram them. No more road rage. I even believe that drive-by shootings will become a thing of the past, because no self-respecting gang banger is going to roll up in a clown car and bust some caps. And even if they did, they couldn’t get away fast enough to do them any good.

I realize that we would still need an effective long distance electric rail system to supplement this plan, and the transition phase will be a little tricky, but you just let me worry about the details. Also, if you are a fan of the show Top Gear, you will know that this idea was suggested on a recent episode, but ask anyone who knows me, I have been talking about this plan for fifteen or twenty years, so it is my plan.

2. Taxes will be based not on how much you earn, but rather on how much of a jerk I think you are. The advantages of this system should be obvious.

3. Sports figures will no longer be paid millions of dollars. They all say the love the game, so they shouldn’t mind. It is still just a game after all. The money we save will be used to pay stay at home parents and give teachers raises.

4. All high school students will be required to show up early once a week at school, and help pick up the trash they tossed around, while the custodians stand around watching and offering helpful suggestions. They can also clean the bathrooms while they are at it.

5. All teenage boys will be required to pull their pants up. Or they have the option of replacing their boxer shorts with lacy pink panties so that we can all snicker at them.

6. The amount of time you get to spend on Facebook, or your blog, or talking and texting on your cell phone, will be directly linked to how interesting you are. I am sorry, but those of you who have nothing interesting to say will have to find other hobbies.

7. Corporations will not be allowed to be people unless they try to be good people. They have to help with the chores, be good listeners, lend a hand to their neighbors, and be responsible citizens before I will even consider allowing them to be people.

8. Hypocrisy will be penalized. If you claim to be pro-life, and you cheer when Texas brags about its death penalty numbers, you will be fined. If you proclaim yourself to be all for family values, but you are cheating on your spouse, it is going to cost you. If you are a person who brags about being religious and you use that as an excuse to look down on anyone else, or think you are better than them, get ready to get your wallet or purse out.

This next part is going to be tricky, because I know Americans like their guns, but here it is;

9. You can all own one gun. That’s it. Just one. Choose wisely. Oh, and did I mention that you can only buy one bullet at a time, and that they will cost $5,000 each?… (it is called the Barney Fife law)…

10. You can not call hunting a sport. Shooting a deer with a high-powered rifle with a scope is not a sport. Sports never start with one team not knowing the game has begun. If you climb into a cage with a bear and a pocket knife, you can call that a sport.

11. There will be no more attempted murder charges. If you shoot someone and they survive, you will be charged with murder and being a bad shot. In fact, if you fire a gun anywhere within range of another human being, that is a murder charge, and a being an idiot charge on top of it.

To finish off this piece, I have two final rules;

12. Prejudice will be against the law. If you think that being the color that you are makes you better than people who are not that color, then keep it to yourself. Because if I hear you say that out loud, you are going to be arrested, tattooed some other color, and be forced to become what you despise. Same thing if you go around saying cruel things about gay people. The police will come to your house and dress you like a drag queen, and then glue that fabulous sequined evening gown to your body with glue that can never be removed. You have been warned.

12. My last rule will be controversial as well, but here it is; Politicians will no longer be allowed to run for public office.