He got his money the old fashioned way… he got it handed to him, and then increased it with shady business deals…

a-5

In his military academy year book… he was voted ‘most likely to grab a woman inappropriately’…

He won an election… with only a bunch of lies, and a little help from Russia…

I could go on…

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The Seven Kingdoms… chapter thirty seven…

(Author’s commentary): Okay, this is almost the last chapter I am going to post… I mean, nobody is really reading it anyway…

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The Seven Kingdoms

 

Chapter Thirty Seven

 

Hildy began snapping orders. It was pure chance that she already had her staff gathered around her. It was also pure chance that some of them were more than a little drunk. She ordered part of the large table cleared, and sent for a map of the kingdom to be brought from her rooms, which she had been using as her office, on the floor above the great hall. She sent runners out to rouse and gather the troops in the city and nearby towns, and to warn all the towns and cities in the kingdom. The room cleared of everyone but her staff in a remarkably short time.

Even as the people were leaving, commander Reef was telling her what little he knew. “It was early this morning that one of our ships spotted them. They were already landing troops.” He pointed to the map, to show her where, on the narrow tip of the kingdom closest to the kingdom of Skull, the enemy forces were coming ashore. “The captain couldn’t tell how many ships there were, but there were a lot of them. Even as he came about to come warn us, his lookout kept seeing more ships coming over the horizon. Some of them started to give chase. They couldn’t tell how many followed them, but there were dozens at the very least. That could mean that they are planning more landings closer to Middletown, or in the bay itself.” Commander Reef hadn’t bothered to sit, and kept glancing towards the big doors that led to the road back down to the city. “I alerted the fleet, and every soldier I saw on the way up here, but we aren’t as ready as we could be. I need to get back down there, and onto my ship.”

Once again, Hildy felt that she had failed as their leader. The bay that protected Middletown and her anchorage had a very wide mouth, and did not extend inland very far. She hadn’t ordered forts to be built on the headlands because they were so far apart that any enemy ship could pass into the bay without coming in range of any flame slingers stationed there. And now the Skulls had struck unexpectedly, and during a celebration, when the defenders were less than ready in every sense of the word. She could at least have had the men building forts around Middletown, she realized.

“At least the troops are back from liberating the kingdom, and we have all our forces from Smilingman here too,” Hildy said, trying to sound calm. “I doubt they will be expecting that, although, who knows how extensive their spy network is?”

“Commander, you better come look at this,” shouted one of the castle guards, rushing in from the courtyard. They all hurried to follow him outside and through the gate to where the road began to drop towards the city below. Out near the wide mouth of the bay ships burned in the night.

“Those must be enemy ships,” Hildy declared. “Our ships all have at least a few of the flame troops on board, and as far as we know, the Skulls have none.”

Commander Reef asked if she had any orders before he returned to the Wavebounder to join the battle.

“Protect the barges as best you can, and don’t take any unnecessary risks,” was all Hildy could think to say. He turned and ran off down the hill. Hildy spoke to all those gathered around her. “We don’t know enough about the enemy’s intentions to do much yet. Better to wait than to head off in the wrong direction. The first landings might be small, a feint designed to draw us away from Middletown. They might be landing more troops nearby as we speak. Gather all the troops in the city near the large dock. Those of you in charge of supplies, get your people ready to be evacuated with as much of their tools and finished equipment as can be safely moved. But don’t move until you get orders.”

They began to scatter, all except Aluff. “I want to fight,” he said.

“You are the king of your people and the last of your bloodline,” Hildy told him gently.

“You didn’t stop Sanara from going,” he pointed out.

Hildy couldn’t tell him that Sanara was a better fighter than him, or that she needed Sanara and her flame troops in a battle more than she needed him. “She fights from behind the main line, in a reasonable safe position.” He didn’t argue, just turned, and ran down the hill. Hildy turned to go back to her rooms to put her armor on, and saw the triplets standing there.

“We thought you might need us,” they all said in unison.

She smiled at them, told them to wait, and ran to get ready for battle. Before long, they were down by the main dock. Troops were lined up all around, the lines stretching down the main street and crowding the narrow alleys. This wasn’t going to work, she realized at once. Large units of men couldn’t fight in a city. She began visualizing the terrain outside the city. At least she had had the foresight to travel around the bay and scout out the lay of the land.

“Scout!” she said aloud, to no one in particular. How could she have forgotten? She and Lawry had interviewed dozens of the new local soldiers and freed conscripts, and organized the best of them into a scouting unit. As if on cue, or because he assumed she was calling for her scouts, a man, wearing one of the new camouflaged uniforms, stepped in front of her and came to attention. It was the man they had put in charge of the scout detail. Well, that worked out rather well, she thought wryly to herself.

“How many of your men are with you?” Hildy asked. She couldn’t even remember his name. Her thinking felt slow and fuzzy.

“Twenty eight, commander,” the man replied. “The other two should be here soon.”

“Send ten men to the far end of the kingdom, the end closest to Skull. The enemy is landing troops there. Your men should spread out in pairs, and not approach the enemy. Just get close enough to get an idea of where they are, what they are doing, and how fast they are moving. I doubt they will be able to get an accurate count. Then, one from each pair can come back with a report, while the other stays to keep an eye on the enemy movements. And send eight men to headlands on either side of Middletown Bay. Give them the same instructions, but tell them to get as close to the sea on both sides as is possible. If the enemy are landing more troops anywhere nearby, we need to know. Make sure they know to watch the sea as well, for any enemy vessels out there.” Hildy felt that she had covered the details well, but added, “and tell them to be careful. They are our eyes.”

“Yes, commander,” the man said, and went off to relay her orders.

Once more, Hildy tried to picture the world around her as if she were looking at a map. She walked out onto the long dock, her mind racing. Out near the mouth of the bay she could see three or four ships burning on the water. She was still assuming they were enemy ships, but she had no way to be sure. She couldn’t even tell if they were the same ships she had seen burning a short time ago. Each of her ships had a small contingent of slingers and flame troops. She should have put more of them on each ship.

How did it come to this, she cried out into the vastness and silence of her own mind? A teenage girl, a little drunk, wearing armor and leading men into battle. Out there, right now, men are dying on the dark sea, and more will die soon, no matter what I do. She shivered, alone in the darkness. But thinking of the men gave her strength. Yes, some of them would die, but if they won, the lives of everyone else would be so much better. Without knowing that she did it, she set her mouth in a thin, tight line, and anyone who knew her father would have seen the man in the young girl at that moment.

She had no idea what the enemy was up to, but she had a little over fourteen thousand men, all armed with the iron blades to turn their staves into spears, and all but two thousand equipped with armor. She had eight hundred fire troops and one hundred and thirteen ships. She would do what she had to do, and do it while trying to keep as many of those men alive as she possibly could. She would make the enemy regret this day.

She turned and walked purposefully back to her army. She called two of her most trusted troop commanders over to her. “You are now battle commanders. You are going to lead more than the one thousand men you are used to, because I am giving each of you half of the army, at least for a little while. Take your halves to either side of the city, and find the most defensible ground to hold. But stay close to the city. We must protect it at all cost.” They left to do her bidding.

“Nius Tar!” she said. “I see you there, skulking in the shadows, watching over me like an overprotective mother. You and the rest of my personal bodyguard are now the last reserves. Keep the men near, so we can reinforce either part of the army, if anything goes horribly wrong.”

Nius Tar smiled, but didn’t say anything. His one thousand men were already near at hand, ready to lay down their lives to keep the commander of the army safe. They would go anywhere she sent them, as long as she went too.

And that, Hildy decided, was the best she could do for now. The enemy troops landing at the far end of the kingdom wouldn’t be anywhere near the city for days. She had to wait to see what else the enemy had planned.

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Christmas reversed… and revisited… because this another old post I am reusing… HA!

How about if one year, we try being NICE to each other and visit each other and buy presents for each other, and wear festive colors, and sing silly songs, and decorate things and hang colored lights for 11 months, and then treat each other like crap for two or three weeks, maybe in December, I haven’t decided yet. Or how about August, when we are all hot and crabby anyway, that would work for me…

Also, this plan would allow us to do our present shopping during those fabulous sales… that now take place right after the ‘traditional’ Christmas.

Just sayin’.

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Some thoughts on the ‘war on Christmas’… another recycled Christmas post…

There is no war on Christmas…

It is a made-up thing…

Stop acting like you are being persecuted because we want to include everybody. Nobody is really even telling you to say ‘happy holidays’ instead of ‘Merry Christmas’. But let me ask you this:

When we the last time you said:

“Happy Pesach” to a Jewish person?

“Joyous Lailat al Miraj” to a person of the Islamic faith?

“Have a great Ramayana” to a Hindu?

“Merry Baisakhi” to a Sikh?

“Fabulous Visakha Puja” to a Buddhist?

“Awesome Beltane and Samhain” to a Wiccan or a pagan?

We just want you to stop acting as if Christianity is the only religion that matters in America. This is a little like when you keep complaining that you can’t put giant crosses on top of mountains on public land. Nobody cares. We just want you to stick an equally big symbol for all the other faiths represented in this great country.

And just so you know, if Jesus was alive today, I doubt he would be happy with people trampling other human beings to get the best Christmas deals…

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I’m not even sure if this is funny or not… maybe his heart… and his brain… will grow 3 sizes… but I doubt it…

a-1

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All I want for Christmas is a new president… seriously… anybody else will do…

a-2

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Can we stop doing sexy Christmas songs? Can we, huh?… (another recycled Christmas post)…

I hate that ‘Santa Baby’ song. Don’t sing sexy-time to Santa. That is just wrong. But not as wrong as saying you want a car, a mink coat and a diamond ring. And no, I don’t want to think about Santa shimmying down a chimney. My mind is messed up enough already.

And while we are on the subject, that song “Baby It’s Cold Outside’ is just sick. That guy is just trying to seduce that poor, innocent girl. He is trying to get her drunk and talk her into spending the night with him. She can find a cab. She can call a cab company on the phone. Dude, you are making all men look bad with your pathetic attempts to try to beg that girl to stay. She isn’t ready yet, or you wouldn’t have to be trying so hard. Now just give it up.

Thank you. I feel better now.

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A Christmas story from long ago… featuring Conan the barbarian… (yet another recycled Christmas post)…

We interrupt our regularly scheduled broadcast to bring you a short story about my old friend Conan the barbarian.

When my daughter Jessica was about 5 or 6, she had a Christmas where she got a lot of gifts that seemed a little too bent on defining her and her role in society… by which I mean she got a toy vacuum cleaner, an easy-bake oven, some dolls, some frilly dresses, and a little plastic kitchen where she could play housewife. The good news is that many of these gifts she got before Christmas because of our yearly trips to spend the holiday with my family in the Bay Area. So I had time to counteract all this gender-stereotyping nonsense.

To do this, I got her a Conan the barbarian action figure.

This toy was a big hit with her. Conan used to date a lot of her Barbie dolls when he wasn’t being played with. In fact, he is still around the house somewhere… One time a few years back when Mollie was smaller, my wife came home to find about 90 naked Barbie dolls standing on their heads on our coffee table, with Conan in the middle, dressed only in his little plastic furry shorts, flexing his muscles and looking very proud of himself… Hey, don’t judge me… Barbie dolls just stand on their heads better when they are naked.

But back to the original story. Conan had a cord with a loop coming out of his back. When you pulled the cord, his arm would flail up and down. His right hand was clenched around an open hole so that you could stick his little plastic battle-axe in his hand, and he would chop away at imaginary enemies.

There was one problem… (You knew there was going to be a problem, didn’t you?)… When Conan wasn’t holding his battle-axe and you pulled the string, he looked an awful lot like he was… ummmm…  doing unto himself before he did unto others… if you catch my drift. No? Too subtle? It looked like he was indulging in a little private recreational time… get it? Good.

Oh man, all I can say is that when Jess played with that little barbarian without the axe, it always caused some embarrassing pauses in the adult conversation going on around her. And it was almost impossible for the men not to laugh and the ladies not to blush.

Is it any wonder that I have such a soft spot for that Conan guy?

Just thought I would share that. Remind me to post a picture of that action figure sometime… or a little video… Ha!

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The Seven Kingdoms… chapter thirty six…

(Author’s commentary): I love this chapter. A little magic, a little romance, humor and tragedy mingling together. Sometimes it strikes me that it isn’t the big adventure parts of a story that make it real. The battles and the heroics are fun to write, and certainly very important, but it is moments of real life, like the party scene in this chapter, that make a story seem like… well… real life. This is where characters come alive and show their hidden depths.

And once again, these are not your ‘Disney’ ‘fairy tale’ princesses. These are more like Eisenhower and Churchill and Patton and Montgomery, going up against the Nazis… if they were, you know, teenage girls… in an alternate universe…

Once again, you can read all the story so far under the button in my top bar, without the rude commentary interruptions.  Also, I am still looking for some editing help. If you are interested, I can send you a couple chapters… they are all short… I can’t pay you, but you get a lovely mention on your own dedication page at the front of the novel… with a blog link, if you want, where I will say any nice things about you that you suggest… oh, and you get a free, signed copy of the book when it is printed, mailed right to you. Leave a comment if you are interested, and I will give you my email.

Also, I am going to stop posting this novel soon. We are getting near the exciting conclusion, and I can’t give the milk away for free, I need to sell the cow. The idea is that when a big publishing house picks up this book… or my action/humor science fiction novels… and makes them into movies, I won’t forget those who helped me when I was a nobody.

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The Seven Kingdoms

 

Chapter Thirty Six

 

They had a lovely early dinner in the great hall, catching up on all that had transpired, and then the meal evolved slowly into a staff meeting. By now, everyone knew what was expected of them and how to go about doing it. The king and queen, acting as gracious hosts, were aware of the fact that they were not in charge, but were fully committed to lending their help and support in any way that was needed. Hildy was pleased with how smoothly everything went. Her staff were good at their jobs, and she was proud of them.

Zar spent some time detailing to Hildy the production numbers. Things had become ever more efficient back on Smilingman. People kept getting better at what they did, and were constantly coming up with new and better ways to do them. Zar ran down her lists of equipment and supplies that would be shipped to Middle over the following weeks and all the things they had brought with them. And all of this would be accomplished while Smilingman continued to grow stronger.

Lawry and her father filled the newcomers in on what had been done on Middle to get the war production up and running, the training of new men, and the number of conscripts that had been freed. They were suitably impressed. They wouldn’t be starting from nothing. When the flow of supplies and manpower from Smilingman was added to the burgeoning production that was beginning to appear on Middle, the numbers amazed everyone.

“It seems we will be in pretty good shape for the next invasion,” Hildy announced into the silence that followed Zar’s progress report.

No one said a word, watching her in anticipation.

“We are going to take Dancer back, and I want to do it soon, while they are still underestimating us, and don’t know about some of our weapons. We have momentum. We can try the same trick we used here. Sail in Skull ships, dress the landing troops in Skull uniforms. We should be able to get away with it one more time, but we have to hurry before word of our tactics make it back to Skull.” Hildy waited for comments or questions.

Near the other end of the table, king Aluff stood up. “I would like to go with the troops. I don’t care if I have to fight as a regular soldier, but I should be there when we free my kingdom and my people.”

Hildy studied the young king. He looked taller than she seemed to remember him, slimmer and more fit. He looked older and more serious too. She wondered briefly if it was just the lighting in the great hall, then reconsidered. He was growing up. They all were. The war had taken children and turned them old before their time. She nodded. “You should be there to help free your people.” She didn’t intend to put him in danger, any more than could be helped.

Hildy thanked them all, and sent them off to tour the production sites and settle themselves into their new quarters. She stopped Zar at the door. “I’m going to borrow the triplets for a special project, so they can stay with me in my rooms tonight,” she told her friend quietly.

Zar didn’t ask any questions, just nodded, and then cast a curious look at the three girls. “I will miss having them around,” she replied with a grin. “They can be quite helpful, but I must admit, they tend to exhaust me.” She patted her belly, winked at Hildy, and went off to oversee the preparations for war.

The next morning Hildy took the triplets far out of the city. They passed over a low range of hills, down into the valley beyond, and into the woods on the next ridge, not stopping until they had passed over the crest. They spent the rest of the day working with the fog magic. Hildy wasn’t convinced that it was magic, but it might as well be, and she had no better word with which to describe what the girls were doing.

By the time darkness began to fall, they had a good idea of what they could do with the fog. It was Hildy who suggested that the triplets try sending the fog out in front of them instead of making it appear all around them. The girls were delighted.

“We never tried doing it that way,” Andita said, clapping her hands.

“We can see what we are doing now,” Miri exclaimed.

“It’s a lot easier to control it when we can see what we are doing,” Tam Tam added.

“And you are getting quite good at taking turns when you speak,” Hildy teased.

Things fell into a chaotic rhythm. Everyone was busy. People grabbed meals they could eat while they continued working. Five days passed in a blur, and on the sixth day, the rest of the army returned from their circuitous journey of liberation around the kingdom. It was early afternoon when they marched down the coast road and into Middletown, surrounding a long procession of prisoners. These were shepherded into the camp with the prisoners caught earlier in the invasion. Then Hildy ordered all work to be stopped for the remainder of the day. There was a celebration to be had.

Food and beverages were distributed all over the city, and guard duty shifts were shortened, to allow as many soldiers as possible to join in at least some portion of the festivities. In the great hall, crowded with people, Sanara enjoyed the party, with absolutely no idea that she was the guest of honor. Hildy waited for longer than she might have before saying anything. She was going to have fun with her role in the night’s entertainment. Fires had been lit in the hearths all around the great hall, and candles and torches aided in fighting the falling darkness. People were broken into groups, sharing stories and companionship. More than a few people had enjoyed more than a few of the available drinks. Hildy judged the time was right.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement,” she said in a voice well below a shout. One advantage of being the commander was that people tended to listen when she had something to say. People quieted other people, and the quiet spread, until it had engulfed the great hall. Hildy called Sanara to her side, from where she had been catching up on the news with Zar and the triplets. Sanara came to stand beside her, and all eyes were upon them. Very few of them had any idea what was about to occur.

“This is a little awkward,” Hildy began, struggling to appear solemn. “It seems, Sanara, that you are due for a promotion of a rather unexpected kind. It turns out that you now outrank everyone in this hall in one respect, other than king Aluff and the king and queen of this kingdom.”

Sanara was mystified and more than a little nervous.

Hildy turned from Sanara to scan the crowd. “We mourn the loss of queen Shylar Dubins Smilingman, a queen whose foresight, tenacity and bravery may well have saved the seven kingdoms. She passed away quietly in her sleep just days ago, but before she did, she appointed an heir. We now do honor to that heir, queen Sanara Tris Smilingman!” With that, Hildy turned back to Sanara, and bowed low. Everyone in the hall followed suit.

Sanara just stood there for a moment, a blank look on her face. Then she said, “I don’t want to be a queen.”

The silence in the great hall stretched until it was becoming uncomfortable. Hildy realized at that moment that she had been unfair to her friend, and perhaps even cruel, to spring this surprise on her in such a public setting. It had never occurred to her that Sanara wouldn’t be happy about it.

“I don’t know anything about being a queen,” Sanara continued. “I’m a farmer’s daughter. I have to help my father with the crops. And I’m not even from Smilingman.”

Hildy put her hands on her friend’s shoulders and locked eyes with her. “Zareena is a fisherman’s daughter. She saved a prince’s life and they fell in love. She is no less a princess because of that. Most of the children of the royal families marry someone who wasn’t born to royalty. And you fought for Smilingman, helped save it. You are fighting for all the kingdoms, all the people. That sounds like a true queen to me. The people of Smilingman will come to love you.”

Around the hall, the officers from Smilingman, and the soldiers on guard duty who were also from there, all cheered for their new queen.

“But why would she choose me?” Sanara demanded. “She barely knew me.”

“Obviously, she saw something special in you,” Hildy replied seriously. “And let me ask you this. If the queen were still alive, and here right now, telling you that she was making you her heir, do you think you could talk her out of it?”

Sanara smiled at that idea. “Wouldn’t have mattered how good my arguments were, she would have just pretended she couldn’t hear me.” They both shared a laugh at that.

“You will be a marvelous queen, my dear friend,” Hildy told her. “You are brave and strong and loyal, and you care about people. We will all be there to help you, whenever you need us. And you know that queen Shylar Dubins Smilingman was very good at telling who is good and who isn’t. I think she made a very wise choice for her people.”

“I guess I can get my dad a farm on Smilingman. He might be willing to move there, to get away from an annoying widow who lives near our farm” Sanara conceded. “Fine, I’ll give being a queen a try. I can always drop by the farm to help him harvest the crops. I suppose your offer to help will include a little work in the fields?”

The great hall erupted in cheering and celebration. It lasted far into the night. Much food was consumed, and much wine was drunk. Even Hildy, who didn’t really care for the taste of wine, had a few goblets, and was feeling a little unsteady on her feet. Many toasts were raised to the new queen, and many stories told of the old queen who was no longer with them. From somewhere, instruments were brought forth, and people were found who could play them, with various levels of skill. There was dancing. A fist fight was broken up, the participants of which were later seen, arms draped around one another’s shoulders, singing a song whose lyrics were never meant to accompany the song being played or to fall upon innocent ears.

Hildy observed the triplets, practicing their flirting upon king Aluff, who didn’t seem to notice, as he was busy practicing his on Sanara. She saw Zar, putting a blanket over one of the palace cooks, who had either fallen asleep or passed out underneath the long table. Off in one dark corner, Lawry and Tolly Caster were deep in conversation, never taking their eyes off each other.

And then she saw fleet commander Reef making his way through the throng towards her, for all the world like the Wavebounder fighting through high seas. The look on his face said he bore ill tidings.

“They’re here, commander,” he said, without preamble. “One of the extra ships we sent out was patrolling near the end of the kingdom closest to Skull, and spotted them. They barely escaped. The enemy is landing in force.”

 

 

 

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Why I want Conan the barbarian to come to my house for Christmas… a recycled post from the past…

You all know I love that big, crazy barbarian. But you may be asking yourself why I would think it would be fun to have him around during the holiday season. Well let me break it down for you.

In the first place, Conan is always ready for any adventure that involves chopping. So you know he will help you get a really good Christmas tree…

a1Also, I think that Conan would really rock the Santa look…

a2Ho ho ho indeed.

And from a guy’s point of view, I bet Conan would give the kinds of gifts that a man really likes to get…

a5Oh Conan, you are so silly. That isn’t what I meant and you know it. My wife isn’t going to let me keep that. You do like your little jokes…

a4That’s what I’m talking about. Much better than that ugly sweater with the red reindeer nose that actually lights up that I got from… never mind…

So go ahead. Put a little barbarian in your festivities this year. Liven things up. You don’t have to sip your eggnog from the hollowed out skull of a foe you crushed under your heel. But don’t be afraid to try something new or let your emotions show. Let the wild part that is inside all of us just a little closer to the surface. And live your holiday like you mean it…

a3Merry Christmas Conan, wherever you are.

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