Getting in the mood for Christmas… Old, recycled posts of the holiday season… part 12…

Why I want Conan the barbarian to come to my house for Christmas…

You all know I love that big, crazy barbarian. But you may be asking yourself why I would think it would be fun to have him around during the holiday season. Well let me break it down for you.

In the first place, Conan is always ready for any adventure that involves chopping. So you know he will help you get a really good Christmas tree…

a1Also, I think that Conan would really rock the Santa look…

a2Ho ho ho indeed.

And from a guy’s point of view, I bet Conan would give the kinds of gifts that a man really likes to get…

a5Oh Conan, you are so silly. That isn’t what I meant and you know it. My wife isn’t going to let me keep that. You do like your little jokes…

a4That’s what I’m talking about. Much better than that ugly sweater with the red reindeer nose that actually lights up that I got from… never mind…

So go ahead. Put a little barbarian in your festivities this year. Liven things up. You don’t have to sip your eggnog from the hollowed out skull of a foe you crushed under your heel. But don’t be afraid to try something new or let your emotions show. Let the wild part that is inside all of us just a little closer to the surface. And live your holiday like you mean it…

a3Merry Christmas Conan, wherever you are.

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Otherwheres Collide… (A humorous science fiction thriller)… Chapter 11…

(Author’s note)… I have decided that soon, I will post some pictures of some of the aliens from my books, and a little about them. Maybe that will make a few more of you decide to try reading some of this, the fourth novel in my self-published, action/humor science fiction series: The Otherwhere Chronicles. I will throw in some of the back story that explains how this group of humans and aliens ended up trying to stop an invasion from another dimension.


Chapter Eleven

 

I got nothing, Arthur admitted to himself. Yes, he was dead tired and still slightly damp. And yes, he had been very busy. All along the way he had assumed that some sort of plan would pop into his head. So far, they always had. Looking back over his rather strange successes of the past weeks he was honest enough to see just how much of it had been pure, dumb luck. He had just kept going and somehow things had always worked out, but even to him that didn’t seem like the best way to handle a major fleet battle against overwhelming odds.

He suddenly understood that he had been falling for his own hype. The universe thought him a hero, so he must be one, but he couldn’t just blunder through this as he had been doing, could he? There was too much at stake. He looked around at the expectant faces, so trusting and so relieved to find out he was still alive, and for a brief moment he despaired. He felt himself utterly unworthy of the universe’s faith in him. He couldn’t just tell these soldiers, his soldiers, ‘hey, follow me, because hopefully I am going to think of a brilliant idea any minute now’.

And in that moment of despair something strange happened. He thought about all those billions of people of so many varieties who were, at that very moment, still mourning his death, and the despair vanished under an avalanche of anger at those who threatened the peace and the lives of all those beings. And following the anger was an even larger tidal wave of pride, not in himself, but in his amazing friends who had stuck by him every step of the way with unsurpassed bravery and loyalty. He realized that he was not alone at all. And maybe, just maybe, he considered, that is what heroes really are, just normal people who keep going, no matter how bad things seemed.

He turned to Captain Browne and asked her to put the General and the Warlord up on the screen in the ward room. Then he addressed his Captains. “Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce my Vice Admirals, the General and the Warlord, two of the most astute military leaders of all time. And Gup, where are you, buddy?” A little blue head appeared behind the two Xxos on the screen and a little blue hand waved. “There we have perhaps the best tech guy in the universe,” Arthur declared. The Morlan Captain gave a cheer.

“You all know the Avengers,” Arthur continued, “and together we have come through some pretty crazy stuff. We have lots of surprises in store for the invaders which I don’t have time to explain in detail right now, but believe me, we are going to win.” That sounded okay, Arthur decided, if a little vague. He turned back to the screen. “General, Warlord, will you plot a combat formation for this fleet and put it up on all the ships’ screens?”

“At your command, Admiral,” said the Xxos together. But even as they began to stroke the scout craft’s consoles, their images began to strobe with a red warning light and an alarm began to sound.

Gup stepped closer to the screen. “Sir,” he blurted out, “I have been playing with my scanner, running it through the ship’s scanners to boost power. I am receiving pulses on the frequency used by the transport beam machines. They are very close together, coming about once a second, and originating at the coordinates you gave us.”

The Warlord broke in at that point. “Arthur, we are picking up enemy ships appearing in our space at one-second intervals, also at the same coordinates.”

And just like that, out of the blue as you humans say, Arthur had his plan, or at least the next stage. “Warlord, can the enemy ships intercept our communications?”

Once again Gup stepped in. “Sir, I have been routing all fleet communications through this ship’s comm system. It has very advanced security protocols, once again far beyond what the Keelar and their other units are capable of.”

“Okay,” Arthur went on distractedly, “so they should have no idea the first wave has deserted to our side?”

Gup had the answer to hand. “The beam pulses indicate at least one more of these spy ships is on our side of the gate. They would be able to monitor our comms if it is equipped like ours, but I took the trouble of putting them through a series of random frequency jumps, so we should be secure. Fortunately, I did all this before you used the other Arthur’s ship’s comm system, so they should have no clue as to what is going on.”

“I love you, man,” said Arthur impulsively. “So, I figure the best way to impress the second wave is to make them think the first wave is getting the collective snot kicked out of them.”

The General and the Warlord immediately understood his plan. “Give us five minutes,” said the General tersely.

Arthur turned back to his Captains. “Sorry this meeting is going to be so short. I just wanted to thank you all personally. Return to your ships and await my orders.” And with that he pulled the remote from his pocket and began to disappear. The Captains looked amazed, but they all began to disperse even before Arthur was all the way gone. And they all looked grimly determined, Arthur decided. He watched the bridge of the other Arthur’s ship begin to flicker into his sight. In two minutes he had explained to his near twin what he and his people were expected to do, and then beamed himself back aboard the spy ship.

The General and the Warlord showed him their ideas, which they had programmed into the ship’s monitor. He thought it was absolutely diabolical. “Send it to all ships,” he ordered. “Tell them to initiate the plan now. And tell them we are going ahead to the gate to scout around.” The spy ship leaped ahead while the rest of the fleet followed towards the gate at a much slower pace. As the Captains followed, they and their crews studied the plans that had been sent to them. There were many smiles of appreciation. They began to put the plan into action.

On the comm screen of the spy ship Arthur watched as messages, first one, then hundreds, began to stream out to the arriving ships of the second wave. These communications were sent in the clear with none of Gup’s trickery, and should be easy for the enemy ships to monitor. And Arthur had to admit his newly recruited first wave Captains were a fine bunch of amateur actors.

“Oh my God, it’s a trap,” one unknown thespian screamed, her face appearing pale and frightened on the screen. She was replaced by an equally terrified young male face shouting, “We are under fire. We have a hull breach in sector thirty-one and thirty-five.” A new face appeared, hair and uniform disheveled. “Their weapons are unbelievably powerful. We have lost main engine.”

The calls came faster. “For God’s sake, second wave, send help,” said one, to be cut off by, “Help us, we are being slaughtered.”

Arthur watched the tactical screen in grim amusement. On it he could see the big blob of first wave human ships, represented as red blips, being surrounded by the smaller number of green blips that showed Arthur’s allied fleet. The green blips circled the red blips like a school of sharks feeding on a school of helpless mackerel. Now the red blips were being herded back towards the gate, but that wasn’t all. Many of the red blips began to stop or drift randomly off into space. As their Captain’s cut off their identity transponders and cut power to their main systems to simulate battle damage, the blips began to fade from the screen.

Some Captains fired weapons, carefully aimed not to hit anyone. Others darted away towards the gate as if fleeing for their very lives. Arthur felt a chill at how real it all seemed. He hoped their audience was appreciating it as much as he was.

The face of sub-commander Judy Shafter flashed on the comm screen. And she was really doing it up, Arthur observed with an evil grin. Her face was smudged black and there was drifting smoke behind her. “This is sub-commander Shafter. We are on fire. Half my crew is dead, and we have lost power. We need assistance right n…” Her image flickered with static and disappeared.

As the Warlord flew the spy ship toward the gate, Gup sat beside him monitoring the instruments. “I am picking up comm traffic between the second wave ships. They seem to be falling for it hook, line and anchor,” said the Morlan jubilantly.

“Sinker,” said Arthur absentmindedly. He stood behind Gup, watching as more red blips spit out of the gate like tracer bullets from a machinegun. They moved to form into squadrons in a not-overly-brilliant display of spacemanship.

“I don’t think their commander is through the gate yet, Sir,” Gup went on. “They seem to be squabbling and trying to figure out who to report to. Ah, they are, I believe, relaying a message through the gate using the other spy ship. They are asking what to do.”

“Good,” said Arthur. “It is never fun to bring bad news to tyrants. Now we need to cut the head off this snake before the brain gets here, if that make any sense. Gup, relay a secure order to all first wave ships to pick up speed for the gate. Try to make it look like a rout. Tell our other ships to make a hole so they can get through, and then to follow along behind.”

What Arthur didn’t yet know was that another type of predator had been drawn to this fake feeding frenzy, the voracious news hounds known as the Reporters. With their incredible noses for a good story they had begun swooping around the edges of the pseudo space battle like seagulls looking for bits of rent flesh from the mackerel being torn apart by the sharks. Come on now, admit it, that was a pretty darn good analogy, and the imagery wasn’t bad either.

But what you may not know is that space battles are not easy to broadcast live. While the blips may look close together on a ship’s screen, the action takes place over a huge area of space and at tremendous speeds. The Reporters, five or six of them, did the best they could, and this worked out rather well from a propaganda point of view. They showed the occasional ship zipping by in a flash. And they showed some scenes of dark, powerless hulks tumbling through the void, backlit by bursts of energy bombs and long trails of energy beams. They had no way of knowing these hulks were just shut down and not destroyed, or that the beams and bombs were striking nothing at all.

The most powerful part of the broadcast, watched by trillions throughout the universe, were the open channel communications of the supposedly panicked human ships of the first wave. Joey Scarfone, the other sub-commander, turned out to have a real flair for the dramatic. By the simple expedient of crumpling up some paper and lighting it on fire just below and out of sight of the bridge comm camera, he really did look as though he was sending a message from a dying, burning ship. Behind him, smeared liberally with catsup, bridge personnel lay scattered about or hung off their chairs in the contorted positions of violent death. As the final touch, the sub-commander simply turned his dark eyes to the camera and screamed like a lost soul.

And the universe decided, ‘we are kicking their asses’.

 

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Getting in the mood for Christmas… Old, recycled posts of the holiday season… part 11…

A Christmas story from long ago… featuring Conan the barbarian…

We interrupt our regularly scheduled broadcast to bring you a short story about my old friend, Conan the barbarian.

When my daughter Jessica was about 5 or 6, she had a Christmas where she got a lot of gifts that seemed a little too bent on defining her and her role in society… by which I mean she got a toy vacuum cleaner, an easy-bake oven, some dolls, some frilly dresses, and a little plastic kitchen where she could play housewife. The good news is that many of these gifts she got before Christmas because of our yearly trips to spend the holiday with my family in the Bay Area. So I had time to counteract all this gender-stereotyping nonsense.

To do this, I got her a Conan the barbarian action figure.

This toy was a big hit with her. Conan used to date a lot of her Barbie dolls when he wasn’t being played with. In fact, he is still around the house somewhere… One time a few years back when Mollie was smaller, my wife came home to find about 90 naked Barbie dolls standing on their heads on our coffee table, with Conan in the middle, dressed only in his little plastic furry shorts, flexing his muscles and looking very proud of himself… Hey, don’t judge me… Barbie dolls just stand on their heads better when they are naked.

But back to the original story. Conan had a cord with a loop coming out of his back. When you pulled the cord, his arm would flail up and down. His right hand was clenched around an open hole so that you could stick his little plastic battle-axe in his hand, and he would chop away at imaginary enemies.

There was one problem… (You knew there was going to be a problem, didn’t you?)… When Conan wasn’t holding his battle-axe and you pulled the string, he looked an awful lot like he was… ummmm…  doing unto himself before he did unto others… if you catch my drift. No? Too subtle? It looked like he was indulging in a little private recreational time… get it? Good.

Oh man, all I can say is that when Jess played with that little barbarian without the axe, it always caused some embarrassing pauses in the adult conversation going on around her. And it was almost impossible for the men not to laugh and the ladies not to blush.

Is it any wonder that I have such a soft spot for that Conan guy?

Just thought I would share that. Remind me to post a picture of that action figure sometime… or a little video… Ha!

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Making Art’s art even more arty… part 9…

a 1

I know, it is hard to believe that is a picture of one of the projects from my glass blowing class… but it is…

a 2

I had so much fun with the last post… and that kaleidoscope effect… that I used it again.

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This is actually a photo of that ‘fire bowl’ I made.

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But I added an extra step this time, before doing the other effects.

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There is the photo of the fire bowl I used.

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Then I added a water effect, that gives those weird patterns that you see on walls around swimming pools on a sunny day, or from a lit pool at night.

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Then, I did the kaleidoscope effect on that image. Nice, but a little too orange.

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Then I used that image for the rest of these.

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And I have to say…

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I like the way they turned out.

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And to top it all off…

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I added the animated kaleidoscope effect. HA!

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Getting in the mood for Christmas… Old, recycled posts of the holiday season… part 10…

Can we stop doing sexy Christmas songs? Can we, huh?…

I hate that ‘Santa Baby’ song. Don’t sing sexy-time to Santa. That is just wrong. But not as wrong as saying you want a car, a mink coat and a diamond ring. And no, I don’t want to think about Santa shimmying down a chimney. My mind is messed up enough already.

And while we are on the subject, that song “Baby It’s Cold Outside’ is just sick. That guy is just trying to seduce that poor, innocent girl. He is trying to get her drunk and talk her into spending the night with him. She can find a cab. She can call a cab company on the phone. Dude, you are making all men look bad with your pathetic attempts to try to beg that girl to stay. She isn’t ready yet, or you wouldn’t have to be trying so hard. Now just give it up.

Thank you. I feel better now.

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Getting in the mood for Christmas… Old, recycled posts of the holiday season… part 9…

All I want for Christmas is a new president… seriously… anybody else will do…

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Uh… there is an alien hiding in my fence… and no, I don’t know what he is eating…

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I have the kind of brain that sees shapes in clouds and fences and other things… so far, I haven’t seen Jesus anywhere. But I will keep making toast, just in case. The knotholes in my fence have always reminded me of eyes. After I took this picture, I looked at the fence and saw all kinds of things.

I may have to take more photos.

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Getting in the mood for Christmas… Old, recycled posts of the holiday season… part 8…

Some thoughts on the ‘war on Christmas’…

There is no war on Christmas…

It is a made-up thing…

Stop acting like you are being persecuted because we want to include everybody. Nobody is really even telling you to say ‘happy holidays’ instead of ‘Merry Christmas’. But let me ask you this:

When we the last time you said:

“Happy Pesach” to a Jewish person?

“Joyous Lailat al Miraj” to a person of the Islamic faith?

“Have a great Ramayana” to a Hindu?

“Merry Baisakhi” to a Sikh?

“Fabulous Visakha Puja” to a Buddhist?

“Awesome Beltane and Samhain” to a Wiccan or a pagan?

We just want you to stop acting as if Christianity is the only religion that matters in America. This is a little like when you keep complaining that you can’t put giant crosses on top of mountains on public land. Nobody cares. We just want you to stick an equally big symbol for all the other faiths represented in this great country beside the cross.

And just so you know, if Jesus was alive today, I doubt he would be happy with people trampling other human beings to get the best Christmas deals…

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When you can do the ‘dad thing’ in your sleep…

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We went over to hang out with out friends last night… yes, the ones that have the two new twin boys, and my buddy, Olivia, who just turned three… The ones I babysit.

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I mean, any dad can fall asleep with a baby leaning on them…

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But wrestling with the bigger kid without waking up… skillz… well played, Joey!

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Getting in the mood for Christmas… Old, recycled posts of the holiday season… part 7…

How about if one year, we try being NICE to each other and visit each other and buy presents for each other, and wear festive colors, and sing silly songs, and decorate things and hang colored lights for 11 months, and then treat each other like crap for two or three weeks, maybe in December, I haven’t decided yet. Or how about August, when we are all hot and crabby anyway, that would work for me…

Also, this plan would allow us to do our present shopping during those fabulous sales… that now take place right after the ‘traditional’ Christmas.

Just sayin’.

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