More stuff I see hiding in my fence… part 2…

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Oh look… another alien. Just for the record, the human mind is programmed to see patterns in random shapes. This is particularly true of seeing human faces. This is why we see animals in the clouds… and Jesus on burnt toast.

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Getting in the mood for Christmas… Old, recycled posts of the holiday season… part 14… the funny pictures of Christmas edition!!!

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Of course I make it all about me… that’s what I do…

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But don’t worry… there is other stuff too…e 3

Because Christmas is all about elves…

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And funny Lord Of The Rings tie-ins…

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And labor disputes… wait, do elves even get paid?

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It is also about hanging out with your friends…

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And funny hats…

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How is that war on Christmas going?

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Okay… that’s just silly…

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And I leave you with some animals getting in the Christmas spirit…

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Because red animals should wear red hats…

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And also, I have crack squirrels living in my head.

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So, who is this Arthur guy, how did he end up being put in charge of the allied fleets defending his universe from an invasion from another dimension… and what is the story on all these aliens???… part 2…

In the first post in this series, I introduced you to me… but not this me, the one trying save that other dimension from an invasion from yet another dimension. Now, in my ongoing attempt to get you interested in the fourth novel in my action/humor science fiction series; The Otherwhere Chronicles, let me introduce you to some of the alien individuals and races that inhabit these other dimensions.

The notes under each image are cut and pasted directly from the first three novels—> available over there—> in my sidebar—>

Once again, with the pure volume of science fiction out there, making up dozens of alien races is not easy to do. Go ahead. Try to think up an alien that doesn’t remind you of any alien you ever saw on a screen… we will wait…

I wrote these books without planning ahead at all past the next sentence. I wrote them the way that other Arthur overcomes the obstacles he faces in the story. No plans… just keep going and trust in dumb luck. I mean, yes, I had a rough outline. It went like this:

Book one, Arthur saves the alien space station where he is a janitor.

Book two, Arthur saves Earth… (I scaled that down to just the San Francisco Bay Area).

Book three, Arthur takes a vacation… while things are going crazy.

Book Four, Arthur saves the entire universe, and maybe many universes.

So, trust me, it came as a surprise to me when that other me became first, the CEO of the biggest alien/human corporation in any history, and then, in this book, the Supreme Commander of all the allied fleets. And now, if you have been following along with book four as I post it, he is trying to win a space battle against the Black Fleet, which outnumbers his own forces by millions to one. He is doing okay, so far.

Lastly, while I was writing these novels, whenever I need the plot to pick up speed, or change direction, or get a bit dangerous… or silly… I would throw in some more aliens. I drew a small sketch of each new alien, and made a few notes. This was to help me remember how many digits or limbs they had, how big they were, number of eyes, noses, mouths and so on, and also some key characteristics of that new species. And, because the English language is sweeping the universe, I would come up with a funny accent in my head for each new character. This way I could converse with them and get to know them. Many of them ended up sounding like bad movie villains.

Anyway, lets meet some aliens, shall we?

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The Xxo

Humans call them ‘Giant Broccoli’. No one knows how to pronounce Xxo. If it helps, here is  how I pronounce it; it rhymes with ‘show’, but starts with a soft ‘j’ sound, or ‘zh’ maybe. They look a little like two-ended giant broccoli, or two sea anemones stuck together at the base. They are at least eight-feet-tall, just to where their top tentacles start. They have tentacles on top and bottom. They have eyes all around the center of their torsos like a belt, and can focus any or all of them. They have multiple mouths that are vertical slits that circle trunk between each eye. They are green with purple swirls and veins like marble. They give birth by dividing from top to bottom. The slightly larger half maintains the original personality, while the other half makes a new individual. They live for thousands of years. They tend to sway back and forth when drunk or angry. They think in terms of strategy and have a very military mindset.

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  1. Brain-Friends

They look like toads that can stand up. They are bright blue in color. They stand about one and a half-feet-tall. They are very wise, and remember almost everything they ever see or learn. They translate and speak for the Slugs.

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The Reavers

They look a little like friendly talking hippopotami, but they are not all that friendly.

They have big tusks jutting from their lower jaw. They are tough and vicious, and hire themselves out as mercenaries. They also make high-tech weaponry.

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The Qualm

They are empathic. They have no individual names. They have a group personality. They are six feet or so in height, thin, blue, and translucent, like floating veils. They would be beautiful if they didn’t have faces like a bowl of wiggling spaghetti. They float around without touching the ground. They feel the emotions of most races, but can’t really read minds. They tend to react to alien thoughts incorrectly and misinterpret things. They are prone to quick judgments, overreaction, hysterics, melancholy. They worry about everyone’s moods. They are gossips and busybodies. They love to help, they just don’t usually know how.

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The Tribes of Taaleem

Humans call them ‘Bats’ or sometimes Trexes, which is just a short version of  T-Rex,  because they do look a little like small versions of those ferocious animals. They are two-feet-tall or so. They are reptilian bat-like creatures with black scaly skin and vestigial wing membranes under their arms. At one time they adapted to flight but they didn’t like it. They have three-tipped tails. They have a Feudal, very hard to fathom social structure. They are masters of court intrigues and plots. Royal families make up about 98% of their race. There are very few commoners. There is also no money left in royal coffers. There has been much inbreeding. This has weakened the bloodlines and caused a trend toward freakish genetic traits. Huge ears, overbites, sloping foreheads, and so on, are quite common. They are very sociable, but pompous and stuck up. They like to put on airs. They were the second alien race to land on Earth.


Okay, I did notice that the descriptions I cut and pasted were from an early, unedited version of my character and race notes, included in each novel. There are a few mistakes and typos. But, since I invented hundreds of characters and dozens of races, the notes are an easy way to go back and remind yourself of who you are reading about as you go. Also, I included here just the race notes, not any individual characters. No sense making this even more confusing.

 

 

 

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More stuff I see hiding in my fence… part 1…

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A turkey… wearing a crown… hey, I don’t make this stuff up.

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Getting in the mood for Christmas… Old, recycled posts of the holiday season… part 13…

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It’s almost Christmas, and you know what that means… the monkeys from my self-illustrated children’s book—> available over there, in my sidebar—> are getting into the spiked eggnog again. *(NOTE… the monkeys in the actual book do not get drunk… it is a book for children, for cryin’ out loud)*

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So, who is this Arthur guy, how did he end up being put in charge of the allied fleets defending his universe from an invasion from another dimension… and what is the story on all these aliens???… part 1…

Well, I am glad you asked… since you probably haven’t been reading the fourth novel in my action/humor science fiction series: The Otherwhere Chronicles, that I have been posting. Maybe you aren’t reading it because you didn’t buy the first three novels… available over there—> in my sidebar—> and you feel like you can’t catch up.

Fear not.

I am going to give you some backstory, and introduce some of the aliens.

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Arthur Blacke… (pronounced ‘Black’… [it is a joke, because my name also ends with a silent ‘e’, and you would be surprised by the number of times people call me Arthur ‘Brownie’ is they don’t know me])… is really me. I mean, not this me. It is the me from another dimension, set just a few years further into the future than this one. You can read all about it if you go back to the epilogue I posted at the beginning of this newest novel.

In this other dimension, aliens have found planet Earth. And they love humans. It turns out we are the very first race to develop independently. All the rest of the races were ‘seeded’ by the Giant Flying Pickles… a race of more-or-less undying aliens, who, when each big bang sucks back in on itself and the universe… all the universes… blow up again, and things start over, go back out and replace the life in the universes so they have something interesting to watch. It is boring living forever. And no, they don’t call themselves the Giant Flying Pickles. Humans call them that. Because they look like giant pickles… and they can fly.

Anyway, they seed life  into all the realities. Except humans developed independently… in the wild, as it were. Also, the Pickles play a huge part in this story. Because one of them died and his body is now a gateway between all the dimensions… which explains how the Black Fleet is invading the one Arthur lives in… oh, and they brought another Arthur with them.

So… where was I… oh yeah… Arthur was a janitor on an alien space station called The Hub. There is one close to each Nexus Point, holes in space that allow ships to cross vast, empty regions of the universe. Arthur and some human and alien friends were having poker night, when space pirates attacked the Hub in a Disney Spaceliner they had hijacked. Arthur saves the Hub. In the process, he and his little band of daring dogooders are observed all over the universe because of the Reporters… these little globes that mysteriously show up at any interesting event, record, and broadcast what is happening, in every language on every planet that has news outlets. Nobody knows if the Reporters are a species or a mechanical invention, but that doesn’t matter right now.

To make a long story as short as possible… oh, did I mention that aliens everywhere are fascinated with the human race, and English is now the semi-official language of the universe?… but Arthur goes back to Earth to visit his mom, and ends up saving San Francisco from being blown to smithereens. It is all part of a plot by a human named David Gassaway, who owns the Enzyme Corporation, the biggest business enterprise in the history of everything… but it turns out that David is from another dimension… the one ruled by the Black Empire, presided over by the Doraimee… (overlord) Fahh… yes, you heard me… the Doraimee Fahh… I told you, this is an action/HUMOR series.

The Enzyme Corporation is up to all kinds of evil things, in order to weaken the universe so that the Black Fleet can come over and conquer it. Arthur puts some major crimps in these plans. At the end of book two, the President of the United States puts Arthur and his friends… now known as Arthur’s Avengers… in charge of the confiscated corporation. They rename it as: The Universe Company. Now, Arthur is the first janitor/corporate CEO that I have ever read about.

Then, Arthur… being lazy and irresponsible… leaves his friends in charge, and goes back to the Hub, to take a vacation… because that is the kind of guy I am… uh… he is. With an invasion looming, he goes on a walkabout around the huge wheel of the Hub. During his adventures… where he meets an alien who can only talk in lines from Monty Python skits… (which is how I met Eric Idle, in real life, in this dimension, by the way)… and a bunch of cute, colorful, furry bears with a dark secret, and a group of human supremacists living right next door to a group of alien supremacists… and a conclave of hippy Dead Heads… he is set upon by assassins sent from the other dimension to kill him.

Now, one way or another, at the start of this book, Arthur has been put in charge of the allied fleet… so he is a janitor/CEO/Supreme Allied Commander. The funny thing is that he just makes it up as he goes along, and it always works out… with a surprisingly small loss of life.

If you were wondering about the picture at the top of this post, that is Arthur Blacke, on some planet, with a Wasp Whip. The Wasp Whips… a name Arthur came up with for a previously unknown race just because he thought it was a good tongue-twister… were the pirates who captured that Disney Starliner in the first book… but they weren’t real pirates… they were… well… never mind. Buy the first book. They are on the good-guy’s side now.

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Getting in the mood for Christmas… Old, recycled posts of the holiday season… part 12…

Why I want Conan the barbarian to come to my house for Christmas…

You all know I love that big, crazy barbarian. But you may be asking yourself why I would think it would be fun to have him around during the holiday season. Well let me break it down for you.

In the first place, Conan is always ready for any adventure that involves chopping. So you know he will help you get a really good Christmas tree…

a1Also, I think that Conan would really rock the Santa look…

a2Ho ho ho indeed.

And from a guy’s point of view, I bet Conan would give the kinds of gifts that a man really likes to get…

a5Oh Conan, you are so silly. That isn’t what I meant and you know it. My wife isn’t going to let me keep that. You do like your little jokes…

a4That’s what I’m talking about. Much better than that ugly sweater with the red reindeer nose that actually lights up that I got from… never mind…

So go ahead. Put a little barbarian in your festivities this year. Liven things up. You don’t have to sip your eggnog from the hollowed out skull of a foe you crushed under your heel. But don’t be afraid to try something new or let your emotions show. Let the wild part that is inside all of us just a little closer to the surface. And live your holiday like you mean it…

a3Merry Christmas Conan, wherever you are.

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Otherwheres Collide… (A humorous science fiction thriller)… Chapter 11…

(Author’s note)… I have decided that soon, I will post some pictures of some of the aliens from my books, and a little about them. Maybe that will make a few more of you decide to try reading some of this, the fourth novel in my self-published, action/humor science fiction series: The Otherwhere Chronicles. I will throw in some of the back story that explains how this group of humans and aliens ended up trying to stop an invasion from another dimension.


Chapter Eleven

 

I got nothing, Arthur admitted to himself. Yes, he was dead tired and still slightly damp. And yes, he had been very busy. All along the way he had assumed that some sort of plan would pop into his head. So far, they always had. Looking back over his rather strange successes of the past weeks he was honest enough to see just how much of it had been pure, dumb luck. He had just kept going and somehow things had always worked out, but even to him that didn’t seem like the best way to handle a major fleet battle against overwhelming odds.

He suddenly understood that he had been falling for his own hype. The universe thought him a hero, so he must be one, but he couldn’t just blunder through this as he had been doing, could he? There was too much at stake. He looked around at the expectant faces, so trusting and so relieved to find out he was still alive, and for a brief moment he despaired. He felt himself utterly unworthy of the universe’s faith in him. He couldn’t just tell these soldiers, his soldiers, ‘hey, follow me, because hopefully I am going to think of a brilliant idea any minute now’.

And in that moment of despair something strange happened. He thought about all those billions of people of so many varieties who were, at that very moment, still mourning his death, and the despair vanished under an avalanche of anger at those who threatened the peace and the lives of all those beings. And following the anger was an even larger tidal wave of pride, not in himself, but in his amazing friends who had stuck by him every step of the way with unsurpassed bravery and loyalty. He realized that he was not alone at all. And maybe, just maybe, he considered, that is what heroes really are, just normal people who keep going, no matter how bad things seemed.

He turned to Captain Browne and asked her to put the General and the Warlord up on the screen in the ward room. Then he addressed his Captains. “Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce my Vice Admirals, the General and the Warlord, two of the most astute military leaders of all time. And Gup, where are you, buddy?” A little blue head appeared behind the two Xxos on the screen and a little blue hand waved. “There we have perhaps the best tech guy in the universe,” Arthur declared. The Morlan Captain gave a cheer.

“You all know the Avengers,” Arthur continued, “and together we have come through some pretty crazy stuff. We have lots of surprises in store for the invaders which I don’t have time to explain in detail right now, but believe me, we are going to win.” That sounded okay, Arthur decided, if a little vague. He turned back to the screen. “General, Warlord, will you plot a combat formation for this fleet and put it up on all the ships’ screens?”

“At your command, Admiral,” said the Xxos together. But even as they began to stroke the scout craft’s consoles, their images began to strobe with a red warning light and an alarm began to sound.

Gup stepped closer to the screen. “Sir,” he blurted out, “I have been playing with my scanner, running it through the ship’s scanners to boost power. I am receiving pulses on the frequency used by the transport beam machines. They are very close together, coming about once a second, and originating at the coordinates you gave us.”

The Warlord broke in at that point. “Arthur, we are picking up enemy ships appearing in our space at one-second intervals, also at the same coordinates.”

And just like that, out of the blue as you humans say, Arthur had his plan, or at least the next stage. “Warlord, can the enemy ships intercept our communications?”

Once again Gup stepped in. “Sir, I have been routing all fleet communications through this ship’s comm system. It has very advanced security protocols, once again far beyond what the Keelar and their other units are capable of.”

“Okay,” Arthur went on distractedly, “so they should have no idea the first wave has deserted to our side?”

Gup had the answer to hand. “The beam pulses indicate at least one more of these spy ships is on our side of the gate. They would be able to monitor our comms if it is equipped like ours, but I took the trouble of putting them through a series of random frequency jumps, so we should be secure. Fortunately, I did all this before you used the other Arthur’s ship’s comm system, so they should have no clue as to what is going on.”

“I love you, man,” said Arthur impulsively. “So, I figure the best way to impress the second wave is to make them think the first wave is getting the collective snot kicked out of them.”

The General and the Warlord immediately understood his plan. “Give us five minutes,” said the General tersely.

Arthur turned back to his Captains. “Sorry this meeting is going to be so short. I just wanted to thank you all personally. Return to your ships and await my orders.” And with that he pulled the remote from his pocket and began to disappear. The Captains looked amazed, but they all began to disperse even before Arthur was all the way gone. And they all looked grimly determined, Arthur decided. He watched the bridge of the other Arthur’s ship begin to flicker into his sight. In two minutes he had explained to his near twin what he and his people were expected to do, and then beamed himself back aboard the spy ship.

The General and the Warlord showed him their ideas, which they had programmed into the ship’s monitor. He thought it was absolutely diabolical. “Send it to all ships,” he ordered. “Tell them to initiate the plan now. And tell them we are going ahead to the gate to scout around.” The spy ship leaped ahead while the rest of the fleet followed towards the gate at a much slower pace. As the Captains followed, they and their crews studied the plans that had been sent to them. There were many smiles of appreciation. They began to put the plan into action.

On the comm screen of the spy ship Arthur watched as messages, first one, then hundreds, began to stream out to the arriving ships of the second wave. These communications were sent in the clear with none of Gup’s trickery, and should be easy for the enemy ships to monitor. And Arthur had to admit his newly recruited first wave Captains were a fine bunch of amateur actors.

“Oh my God, it’s a trap,” one unknown thespian screamed, her face appearing pale and frightened on the screen. She was replaced by an equally terrified young male face shouting, “We are under fire. We have a hull breach in sector thirty-one and thirty-five.” A new face appeared, hair and uniform disheveled. “Their weapons are unbelievably powerful. We have lost main engine.”

The calls came faster. “For God’s sake, second wave, send help,” said one, to be cut off by, “Help us, we are being slaughtered.”

Arthur watched the tactical screen in grim amusement. On it he could see the big blob of first wave human ships, represented as red blips, being surrounded by the smaller number of green blips that showed Arthur’s allied fleet. The green blips circled the red blips like a school of sharks feeding on a school of helpless mackerel. Now the red blips were being herded back towards the gate, but that wasn’t all. Many of the red blips began to stop or drift randomly off into space. As their Captain’s cut off their identity transponders and cut power to their main systems to simulate battle damage, the blips began to fade from the screen.

Some Captains fired weapons, carefully aimed not to hit anyone. Others darted away towards the gate as if fleeing for their very lives. Arthur felt a chill at how real it all seemed. He hoped their audience was appreciating it as much as he was.

The face of sub-commander Judy Shafter flashed on the comm screen. And she was really doing it up, Arthur observed with an evil grin. Her face was smudged black and there was drifting smoke behind her. “This is sub-commander Shafter. We are on fire. Half my crew is dead, and we have lost power. We need assistance right n…” Her image flickered with static and disappeared.

As the Warlord flew the spy ship toward the gate, Gup sat beside him monitoring the instruments. “I am picking up comm traffic between the second wave ships. They seem to be falling for it hook, line and anchor,” said the Morlan jubilantly.

“Sinker,” said Arthur absentmindedly. He stood behind Gup, watching as more red blips spit out of the gate like tracer bullets from a machinegun. They moved to form into squadrons in a not-overly-brilliant display of spacemanship.

“I don’t think their commander is through the gate yet, Sir,” Gup went on. “They seem to be squabbling and trying to figure out who to report to. Ah, they are, I believe, relaying a message through the gate using the other spy ship. They are asking what to do.”

“Good,” said Arthur. “It is never fun to bring bad news to tyrants. Now we need to cut the head off this snake before the brain gets here, if that make any sense. Gup, relay a secure order to all first wave ships to pick up speed for the gate. Try to make it look like a rout. Tell our other ships to make a hole so they can get through, and then to follow along behind.”

What Arthur didn’t yet know was that another type of predator had been drawn to this fake feeding frenzy, the voracious news hounds known as the Reporters. With their incredible noses for a good story they had begun swooping around the edges of the pseudo space battle like seagulls looking for bits of rent flesh from the mackerel being torn apart by the sharks. Come on now, admit it, that was a pretty darn good analogy, and the imagery wasn’t bad either.

But what you may not know is that space battles are not easy to broadcast live. While the blips may look close together on a ship’s screen, the action takes place over a huge area of space and at tremendous speeds. The Reporters, five or six of them, did the best they could, and this worked out rather well from a propaganda point of view. They showed the occasional ship zipping by in a flash. And they showed some scenes of dark, powerless hulks tumbling through the void, backlit by bursts of energy bombs and long trails of energy beams. They had no way of knowing these hulks were just shut down and not destroyed, or that the beams and bombs were striking nothing at all.

The most powerful part of the broadcast, watched by trillions throughout the universe, were the open channel communications of the supposedly panicked human ships of the first wave. Joey Scarfone, the other sub-commander, turned out to have a real flair for the dramatic. By the simple expedient of crumpling up some paper and lighting it on fire just below and out of sight of the bridge comm camera, he really did look as though he was sending a message from a dying, burning ship. Behind him, smeared liberally with catsup, bridge personnel lay scattered about or hung off their chairs in the contorted positions of violent death. As the final touch, the sub-commander simply turned his dark eyes to the camera and screamed like a lost soul.

And the universe decided, ‘we are kicking their asses’.

 

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Getting in the mood for Christmas… Old, recycled posts of the holiday season… part 11…

A Christmas story from long ago… featuring Conan the barbarian…

We interrupt our regularly scheduled broadcast to bring you a short story about my old friend, Conan the barbarian.

When my daughter Jessica was about 5 or 6, she had a Christmas where she got a lot of gifts that seemed a little too bent on defining her and her role in society… by which I mean she got a toy vacuum cleaner, an easy-bake oven, some dolls, some frilly dresses, and a little plastic kitchen where she could play housewife. The good news is that many of these gifts she got before Christmas because of our yearly trips to spend the holiday with my family in the Bay Area. So I had time to counteract all this gender-stereotyping nonsense.

To do this, I got her a Conan the barbarian action figure.

This toy was a big hit with her. Conan used to date a lot of her Barbie dolls when he wasn’t being played with. In fact, he is still around the house somewhere… One time a few years back when Mollie was smaller, my wife came home to find about 90 naked Barbie dolls standing on their heads on our coffee table, with Conan in the middle, dressed only in his little plastic furry shorts, flexing his muscles and looking very proud of himself… Hey, don’t judge me… Barbie dolls just stand on their heads better when they are naked.

But back to the original story. Conan had a cord with a loop coming out of his back. When you pulled the cord, his arm would flail up and down. His right hand was clenched around an open hole so that you could stick his little plastic battle-axe in his hand, and he would chop away at imaginary enemies.

There was one problem… (You knew there was going to be a problem, didn’t you?)… When Conan wasn’t holding his battle-axe and you pulled the string, he looked an awful lot like he was… ummmm…  doing unto himself before he did unto others… if you catch my drift. No? Too subtle? It looked like he was indulging in a little private recreational time… get it? Good.

Oh man, all I can say is that when Jess played with that little barbarian without the axe, it always caused some embarrassing pauses in the adult conversation going on around her. And it was almost impossible for the men not to laugh and the ladies not to blush.

Is it any wonder that I have such a soft spot for that Conan guy?

Just thought I would share that. Remind me to post a picture of that action figure sometime… or a little video… Ha!

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Making Art’s art even more arty… part 9…

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I know, it is hard to believe that is a picture of one of the projects from my glass blowing class… but it is…

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I had so much fun with the last post… and that kaleidoscope effect… that I used it again.

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This is actually a photo of that ‘fire bowl’ I made.

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But I added an extra step this time, before doing the other effects.

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There is the photo of the fire bowl I used.

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Then I added a water effect, that gives those weird patterns that you see on walls around swimming pools on a sunny day, or from a lit pool at night.

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Then, I did the kaleidoscope effect on that image. Nice, but a little too orange.

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Then I used that image for the rest of these.

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And I have to say…

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I like the way they turned out.

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And to top it all off…

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I added the animated kaleidoscope effect. HA!

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