We saw a naked guy getting arrested… while I was driving my teenage daughter to school…

I love the TV show ‘Cops’. They have special episodes where they just show crazy naked guys getting arrested. Now, you have to figure that if they have caught naked crazy guys being arrested on film that many times just in the relatively few cop cars that are carrying around a camera crew for a show, that it must happen fairly regularly. Like, hundreds if not thousands of naked guys get arrested around the world every year… who knows… maybe hundreds of thousands…

Now, I can honestly say that, even though I grew up in the San Francisco Bay Area, and I was a teenager there during the crazy 70’s… that I have never in all my life, even back in my wildly rebellious days… been arrested… while naked… (No, I am not going to start doing posts about those days, or my firsthand interactions with the police, because this isn’t that kind of blog… which is a shame… because I have a lot of really interesting stories… and photos…)

But here are a few reasons why you should watch ‘Cops’… especially if you plan on going into a career as a criminal:

If you are one of those young guys who wear your pants down below your ass, then you have to decide between a life of fashion and a life of crime. Trust me, wearing your pants this way greatly decreases the odds that you can outrun a cop, let alone a police dog.(Also, just so you know, this look is not cool. Someday you will regret this look, just like your parents still get teased about some of the things they wore when they were that age. There are only two reasons that could account for this look. Either a kid went out of his house looking like that because he was so busy having a real life that he didn’t even notice that he was ‘sagging’, or some kid who grew up in a ghetto and couldn’t afford a belt went out of his house that way because he didn’t have a choice. Either way, that first kid was, indeed, cool. Copying him does not make you cool).

The other lesson you, as a potential criminal, should take note of, is this… agree on a plausible story before you get pulled over with a trunk full of illegal drugs. Because, the first thing the cops do, if there are two of you in the car, is separate you and then ask you where you are going and why you are going there. And if you say you are going to Florida to visit your aunt, and the other idiot says you are going to Disneyworld… guess what… that makes cops suspicious. I have to admit, it always makes me laugh when two guys were sitting in a car together for days, driving across the country with a few hundred pounds of whatever just a few feet behind them, and it never occurred to them to agree to tell the cops that they were on their way to visit aunt Mildred in Boca Raton should they get pulled over. I mean, seriously, what the hell were they talking about for all that time?

Posted in thinking about stuff | Tagged , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Trump throws massive hissy fit…

a 1

Am I the only one who thinks it’s funny that Donald Trump, schoolyard bully extraordinaire, the guy who insults everybody who disagrees with him, is taking his ball and going home… by which I mean not joining in the next presidential debate… on the grounds that Megyn Kelly, a member of the Fox news staff, was ‘unfair’ to him at some other debate… by which he means that she tried to hold him accountable for his insulting references to women… which, at the time, he used as an opportunity to be insulting to women?

Yeah… let’s make this guy our president…

Posted in funny famous people pictures | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 24 Comments

The Seven Kingdoms… chapter 12…

(Author’s commentary): Oh yeah, the bad guys better watch out… because the princesses are getting ready to kick some butt… and seriously… you do not want to mess with that feisty farm girl, Sanara.

Don’t forget, it is not too late to get your name… or a reasonable facsimile… written into the novel as a character. Just let me know in the comments. Also, once again, you can read the whole story… so far… by clicking the button called: ‘The Seven Kingdoms’ up above in the top bar. That way, you miss this annoying commentary.

**********

The Seven Kingdoms

 

Chapter 12

 

Hildy leaned against the deck railing of the Wavebounder, gazing out over the water at her fleet of ships. Twenty ships, all under her command, the sails in the various colors of all the kingdoms, gave the entire bay the air of some sort of festival, but her heart was heavy. Her mood more closely matched the black sails of the Wavebounder that hung above her. The morning was wearing on, and though they had gone to speak to the king at about the same time the day before, still no word had come to them from the palace.

Hildy felt a hand on her shoulder, and turned to find Sanara standing there. The girl had fire in her eyes. “We are wasting too much time,” Sanara said, “but I have an idea. I just need some money.”

Hildy was intrigued, and asked what the money was to be used for.

“I want to go into town and buy some leather,” Sanara explained, “some rooter hides to cut up to make slings. I am going to make them for everyone, and then I am going to teach everybody how to use them.”

She sounded so determined, and the plan was so simple, so obvious, that Hildy found herself ashamed. She had been standing around and feeling sorry for herself, waiting for things to happen instead of making them happen. She impulsively threw her arms around Sanara and hugged her tightly. “Thank you,” she told the young farm girl sincerely, then led her by the hand across the deck to where captain Reef was talking to his nephew.

“Captain,” Hildy said to him, “I need to know how many sailors we have on all twenty ships.”

The captain considered this for a moment. “There are, on average, thirty men on each ship, princess. A few more on the larger, a few less on the smaller, but I can find out the exact number if you give me an hour or two.”

Hildy told him that was unnecessary, then did some quick math in her head. She had brought slightly more than fifty soldiers from Evergreen, Sanara had brought four more. When she included the small band of royalty, and the sailors from all the ships, she was shocked to realize that there were over six hundred and fifty people waiting around doing absolutely nothing, all because she had been doing absolutely nothing.

Hildy decided that the time for doing nothing was at an end. “Captain, I need the longboat to take Sanara, Tull and Tolly ashore. Your men should accompany them when they go into town to do some shopping. I also need to find out how much money we have. I plan to gather all of it together, and then divide it up amongst several of the ships, so that we won’t lose it all if something happens to split up the fleet. And I am going to need some tools. Knives, axes, whatever we can find in the ship’s carpenter shop.”

“I will take the other longboat around, and speak to all the captains, and return with all the coins we have,” said the captain. “We have no carpenter on the Wavebounder now, but the tools are still here, and I am sure that my nephew won’t mind going and getting them.” He cast his eyes on his nephew, who left to fulfill this task. The captain went of to get the longboats ready.

Hildy, still followed by Sanara, went over to the stern rail of the ship, where Tull and Tolly Caster were dangling fishing lines into the water. Hildy explained to them that they were to accompany Sanara into Flametown and help her purchase and carry rooter hides back to the ship.

“Well, the fish aren’t biting, so we might as well go shopping,” Tolly said. “The fish never bite when Tull is around.”

“I’ve caught more fish in my life than you have,” Tull shot back.

“Fish hate you,” his brother responded.

“Maybe they like you better because they know you are no smarter than they are,” his brother suggested.

“Maybe we can settle this at another time,” Hildy said in some exasperation. Within a short while, Sanara, the brothers, and four of the soldiers who now crewed the Wavebounder, were rowing towards the docks with all of the money that Hildy had brought with her when she left home just a little over twenty days earlier.

Before the captain left in the other longboat, Hildy asked them to row over and bring back the four Dancer soldiers from the Shooting Star, along with their staves. By the time the boat was back, Hildy had captain Nius Tar and the soldiers from Evergreen gathered on the deck of the Wavebounder, also with their staves. Before her lay two small axes and some knives, chisels, and a saw.

Hildy addressed captain Tar and the men gathered around her. “I have decided that we are going to sharpen our staves to a point on one end. It won’t be quite as effective as the iron points the Skulls use, but it should even the odds a little, until we can make some blades of our own.”

The captain gave Hildy an impressed smile, and there was a wicked gleam in his eyes. “A brilliant idea, princess! We can harden the points in the cooking fire in the galley. That will make then even stronger. They should be able to pierce armor.”

Hildy had gone to fetch her own staff, and, picking up a knife, she set to work on it. As the men formed lines around the tools, Hildy went on to explain some of her ideas. “Eventually, I want to get staves for all the sailors on all the ships, sharpen them, and then train the sailors how to use them. Soon, thanks to Sanara, we will all have slings, and we will need to start learning how to use them too. But until then, captain, I want you and your men to start developing a fighting technique that incorporates stabbing and thrusting and not just hitting. Can you do that?”

“Yes, my Lady, I think that sounds like it might be fun,” said the captain with a malicious grin. However, I would once again remind you that these men are your men, not mine.” Around them, the soldiers were nodding in agreement with the captain’s statement. They also began to speak amongst themselves, excited over the prospect that they were preparing to strike back at the Skulls with a chance to beat them at their own game. The rockwood staves were not easy to sharpen, but they set to the task with a will.

As she finished putting the point on her staff, Hildy happened to glance over the railing, and she saw the ship’s longboat returning, followed by two more longboats loaded with sailors. Captain Reef was in the lead boat. She went to greet him as he climbed over the rail.

“My Lady, I had no doubt that my fellow captains would see the merit of your plan to collect and tally all our finances in order to fund our mission,” the captain said. “But I thought that perhaps the sailors might try to hold on to a little spending money, just out of habit, you might say.”

Hildy was surprised by this announcement. “I didn’t actually expect them to give up their own coins. I just wanted the money the ships used for trade.”

“Princess Hildy,” the captain replied, “the ships have very little money, and that mostly to pay the crews and for emergencies. Traders trade in goods, not coin, taking a share of the cargo they transport. Eventually, the captains do sell the extra goods, but most of the money goes back into repairing and outfitting the ships, paying the crew, and paying off personal debts to keep their houses running. There are very few rich captain running around out there. I explained, and each captain explained, that the men don’t need any money of their own. You will make sure they are all fed, and to do that, you do need money. We, the captains, also pointed out that nobody was going to have any time to go ashore and go drinking and carousing at the taverns, so the money wasn’t going to do them any good anyway, and there is no way they can send any money they had left over home right now.”

While she listened, Hildy watched as the sailors on the longboats hoisted four large chests aboard the ship. She noticed that most of the sailors who had come on the longboats remained on the Wavebounder when the other longboats returned to their own ships. Captain Reef explained this too. “I asked for some crewmen to sign onto our ship, to free up your soldiers for training and fighting. They can’t very well sail the ship and do that at the same time, if we run into trouble.”

Hildy thanked the captain, and then they set about opening the four chests and began counting the coins. All the soldiers on deck, seeing what was happening, walked over and dropped whatever coins they had into the chests as well. Hildy was, once again, deeply moved. As she continued to count and pile coins, Sanara and the two argumentative brothers returned in the other longboat. Tull, Tolly and the four soldiers began to unload a large stack of hides onto the deck. Hildy had a few of the new Wavebounder crewmen take over from this task so the four soldiers could join their fellows and sharpen their staves.

Sanara wasted no time at all. She laid one of the hides on the deck and then borrowed a knife from one of the sailors unloading the rest of the hides. She began to cut long, thin strips from the hide. Tull and Tolly watched her for a while, asked a few questions, and then also borrowed knives and began to copy her. A few of the soldiers who had been slingers, and had finished sharpening their staves, also joined in, and so did Lawry and Zar. Sanara then began to cut small, rectangular pieces of hide, using the knife to make a hole at each end. These would serve as the pouch to hold the stone. She tied a thong to each hole in one of the small pieces she had cut, completing the sling. Soon, a pile of slings was growing on the deck.

As Hildy finished her counting, the other princesses came over to her and handed her their small bags of coins, and then went back to helping make more slings. King Aluff, who had been lounging on the ship’s rail, upon seeing this, followed their lead, and even joined in the work of making even more slings. Hildy counted the rest the new coins and divided them evenly into the four chests. Hildy felt a warm glow filling her. To have so many people trusting her, counting on her, it was beyond anything she had ever experienced before in her life.

“Captain,” Hildy said to captain Reef, “will you have three of these chests taken to whichever of the ships whose captains you trust the most?” Then, we are going ashore with the last chest, you and I, and a few of your sailors. I have some more shopping to do.”

As the sun set, Hildy was seated on top of a very uncomfortable pile of tools in one of the longboats, heading back to the Wavebounder. Captain Reef sat perched on a similar pile in the other boat that followed along behind the first. Hildy was surprised to see a small armada of longboats ahead of them, all in a neat row, and all heavily-laden, also heading towards the ship. When her boat caught up to the last of the other boats, she saw Tolly perched on something that left him so high in the air that he was almost above the gunnels of the boat, which was riding so low in the water that it seemed in danger of sinking at any moment.

“What have you got there?” Hildy called across to Tolly, as her boat came abreast of the other boat.

“River rocks,” Tolly called back at her. The four sailors were barely able to move the craft through the water.

Tull sat on the pile in the next boat. As Hildy’s boat caught up to it, she asked, “more river rocks?”

“Yup,” replied Tull, who, like his brother, was very dirty and seemed in no mood for small talk.

The next two boats they passed had only sailors and stones, but the next boat, the lead boat in the line, contained Sanara, looking dirty and tired but oh so proud of herself. “I am very impressed,” Hildy said as they slowly pulled by the other boat.

“Don’t be yet,” Sanara told her. “To be honest, it takes years of practice to be accurate with a sling. All we can hope for now is to get everybody sending the stones in more or less the right direction. And we are going to need a lot more stones just to get to that point. What have you got in your boats?”

“Every knife, axe, pitchfork, scythe, hoe, rake and wooden pole from every tool shop in Flametown,” Hildy said with a grim grin.

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in fiction | Tagged , , , , , , | 2 Comments

I just do these to drive the racists crazy…

imageedit_4_2001302171

Because I think it’s funny…

Posted in My art, my weird moving pictures, Pictures of me | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

My brother works at that Naval base where they had an ‘active shooter’…

This was sort of an emotional rollercoaster of a morning. First, the news reports an active shooter at the Naval hospital where my brother works. We finally get a hold of him… and find out that he wasn’t at work, because he had a dental appointment… then I felt bad for feeling so good that he was safe when other people weren’t… and then the news reported that it looked like a false alarm.

The moral of the story is this: don’t take too good care of your teeth… I guess…

Posted in Stories of my life | Tagged , , , , , , , | 16 Comments

That guy who is marrying my daughter…

a 4

First of all, let’s get one thing straight… I am way taller than Jason… That picture was taken in my mom’s kitchen a few Christmases ago… and I am crouching down so I can hug him with my knees and legs and not just my arms. I like to do that, because I know it creeps him out, and that makes me laugh. Look what a good sport he is… he is hardly cringing at all.

a 1

There are Jessica and Jason, just a little more than a week ago, the morning he proposed to her. They were in Sedona, Arizona, where he took her to a nice hotel to ‘pop the question’, and I suppose this was taken about the time that my wife and I were driving there… and his parents were flying there… so we could all surprise Jessica at the restaurant they were going to dinner at, which he sneakily set up in advance, so we could share that special day. I did posts about all this. Notice how cleverly she is showing off her new engagement ring.

a 2

To be perfectly honest, I always thought that Jason kid was batting a little out of his league… but then again, they are perfect for each other, and they are almost sickeningly happy whenever they are together… also, the truth is, I love that boy. He treats my daughter right… by which I mean he manages to somehow handle all her moods… because man, that girl is a handful… and I ought to know, I was a house-daddy before it became a ‘thing’, and that girl is high maintenance. But he keeps her happy while still somehow making her feel like she is in charge, and he doesn’t put up with any crap either… it is an incredible juggling act… something I never managed to pull off…

a 3

Another picture taken at my mom’s house over the Christmas holidays… I don’t know if that was this year or not… but just the fact that he can live in a house for a week with us and all my brothers and nieces and nephews and my crazy friends coming to visit and all of our weird family traditions and the inherent madness that goes with that season… wow.

And, best of all, from my point of view, even though, in the grand scheme of things it isn’t that important… but the kid loves me. He doesn’t just tolerate me or humor me… like most of my friends and family do… he like me. We do stuff. We are, right now, designing a computer/board game hybrid, involving naval warfare in the time of the pirates, that might revolutionize the game industry… (okay, we all know I am a computer moron, and he is doing all the real work, but I have been studying history for a long time, and I do play some games, and I am giving some good ideas and a person to bounce ideas back and forth with)… And he is the one who designs all the covers for my science fiction novels with his crazy 3-D computer modeling skillz.

Jessica made a comment once about how we were male bonding. I told her, no, we are bonding on a molecular level… and I still, when I see him, and we are having a good time, interlock my fingers, raise my eyebrows, and say: “molecular bonding, oh yeah!”

Posted in Stories of my life | Tagged , , , , , | 16 Comments

America… don’t let this happen to you…

a 5

I know… I said I was done with these two… but I forgot to ask the crack squirrels that live in my head if they were done yet… and it turns out… they weren’t…

Posted in funny famous people pictures, My art | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

Okay, these really are the last pictures from our trip to Arizona…

a 6

My younger daughter… not the one who is getting married… took these pictures with her phone when we went and climbed that crazy little mountain in the desert… you know… the one that I had already climbed… in the dark… but stopped just short of the summit so I could share that part with her.

a 2

I think she appreciated my thoughtfulness.

a 4

And I really enjoyed sharing that time with her.

a 3

I am not sure why that cross is up there… presumably, somebody died up there… which isn’t too surprising, because that was a challenging climb.

a 5

Anyway, thanks for sharing in my adventure, and my record-breaking achievement of petting 68 dogs in one day… and my older daughter getting proposed to…

a 7

Oh… and I met this cool old desert rat… and he had a blind poodle named Pepper, who was 14-years-old, and was also one of the 68 dogs I petted that one day… and he also had this cool quad… the old guy had it, not the poodle… and he let me use it a few times… and I took Mollie on it, but I don’t have a picture of that.

Okay, back to our regularly unscheduled weirdness.

Posted in My travels, Pictures of me, Stories of my life | Tagged , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Hearts of stone… and balls of glass…

IMG_4724

Okay, I do apologize for the title of this post… but it is funny on more than one level. So, I’m not sure I fully explained that we had planned the camping trip to Quartzsite, Arizona before we started getting texts from my daughter’s boyfriend telling us that he was going to propose to her, and that he want my wife and I, and his parents, to meet them in Sedona, Arizona, where he was planning to propose to her, so that, later that same day, we could all surprise her at their favorite Italian restaurant for a celebratory dinner… or maybe I did tell you that… it is hard to keep it all straight.

My daughter and her boyfriend… now her fiancé… life near Scottsdale, Arizona. So, us camping with my wife’s aunt and uncle, also in Arizona, to go to that big annual swap meet… yes, the one where I petted the 68 dogs… was all pure coincidence.

But here is another huge coincidence… and this kind of thing happens to me all the time… in weird ways I can never explain… but I have this weird connection with fate and the universe that puts me in just the right spot at just the right time to have something weird happen.

There we were, in the desert, waiting for the phone call from my daughter, telling us that Jason had proposed to her… but we had to pretend it was a surprise, even though we knew it was going to happen before she did, so we could be at the dinner later that night… if you follow me… and, while I stood there, listening to my wife pretend to be surprised by the announcement, I looked down, and there was a heart-shaped piece of pink quartz… (I know, the photo, which I just now took with my old, cheap camera, makes everything, including my hand, look kind of yellow)… Well, and I don’t know what the odds of this are, but while I was pacing around listening to my wife talking about how ‘we wished we could be there’… ha!… I looked down, and there was a white, heart-shaped piece of quartz… I am planning on giving them to my daughter and future son-in-law… but I forgot when we were saw them, later that day. Hey, there was a lot going on.

Now, in case you think I am exaggerating this weird, magical ability I have to have weird, magical stuff happen to me… here is another photo… I just took… of two tiny marbles I found that same morning…

IMG_4726

I found the first marble, which is smaller than any marble I have ever even seen, mixed in with all those billions of rocks out there in the desert. That, in itself, is not weird. But, an hour later, when I was taking our dog, Shiloh, on a walk to go potty… no… not me… I mean so she could go potty… I crouched down to pet her at some point, and, under an overhang of rock, where I would never have seen it if I hadn’t crouched down, was a tiny marble identical to the one I had found an hour before and hundreds of yards away… and, before you pretend that this isn’t amazing, go back and look at the pictures of the desert where we were camping. This wasn’t flat sand where marbles would have stood out. This was a wasteland covered in small bits of broken up quartz and stone.

To find two heart-shaped pieces of quartz and two marbles in one hour, scattered about in this environment is weird… on more than one level.

Posted in My travels, Stories of my life | Tagged , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Book Review: Double Service, by A.H. Browne

Well… really… what can I add to this???

Trent Lewin's avatarTrent Lewin

014e1bf8-f76b-4921-9ee5-c14736520126_D Art Browne writes at pouringmyartout.com

        “Detective Charlie Baker was not in a good mood.” Thus begins the story. What to call Double Service? A World War II mystery? A love story? Rather than give a proper review, I’d like to delve into the editing process behind this book, given that I, Trent P. Lewin, edited the thing. That’s right. Me. And yes, that means I’m totally biased about the thing, so there!

        I edit naked. True story. There is something liberating and breezy about sitting down at your computer sans clothing and imagining the mental processes of Art Browne (known on the cover of Double Service as A.H. Browne). It allows you to commune with his body and mind, even from far away, almost as though he were there tickling your fanny as you make your way through 205 pages (twenty two chapters) of this novel. Fanny-touching aside…

View original post 631 more words

Posted in Everything Else | Leave a comment