So, I’ve decided to become a monk…

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You know how I went off to some mysterious location this weekend that I couldn’t tell you about? Well, I was out in the desert at a monastery… The Brothers of the Perpetual Self-Castigation and Whinery Winery, near Gila Bend, Arizona… just past Rattlesnake Road…

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I couldn’t bring myself to take the vow of silence… and I already have the poverty thing pretty well in hand… (seriously, I need to sell more of my books, people)… but I did take the following vows:

To never again use the power of Photoshop for evil… particularly using it to stick Donald Trump’s head on images of a penises… oh, and also to never again use that picture of Ted Cruz pointing at a picture of lady parts, and then encouraging people to make up funny captions… (although, in all fairness, that was a real picture, not a Photoshop image, and I truly believe that anybody viewing that image is going to start inventing explanations in their heads all on their own)…

To never again wear something that isn’t made of wool, and is way to thick, hot and scratchy to wear in the freakin’ desert…

To never again swear… even if it is fake swearing, like when I typed ‘freakin’ up there… and right here… yes, Brother Eustace, I will go out in the vineyards and pick grapes while I pray for forgiveness for this post…

To never again, while performing my duties as servant in the winery tasting room, give more than one free sample of our delicious ‘Gila Bend Mystic Blend’ wine… no matter how pretty the customer is…

To never again refer to my weird, all-art-side-of-the-brain, overly-self-absorbed mental aberrations as being caused by ‘fictitious crack squirrels having taken up residence inside my head’…

To never again, after finishing my morning bowl of porridge, carry my wooden bowl up to Brother Simon the porridge-ladler and saying, “Please sir, can I have some more”…

To never again make a graven image of myself out of a log… right after I finish the ‘me tiki’ I am working on now…

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Also, please note that, if you do come out to try our tasty wine and maybe say hello to me, the monastery has a strict ‘no firearms’ rule… as you can plainly see by the sign behind and to the right of me in the picture above… the Brothers are very strict about that, so please leave your assault rifles in your vehicles.

 

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Trump University teaches us everything we need to know… about Trump…

Think about it. He offers to impart his wisdom, his tricks for getting rich… and, in a way, he does deliver on that promise… because mostly how he got rich, aside from getting a huge loan from his daddy… was by making empty promises and taking money from people who want to ride on his coattails. He gets his money by making other people give him their money, and the less he has to give in return, the more of a winner he is. So, he promised knowledge… a resource he is actually quite short of… and, after collecting the fees, he gave them back even less than the little bit he had.

And he is right. That is how he got rich. By taking money from people who want to be rich… not by making them rich.

In a weird, ironic, roundabout way, he did teach the students at his university a valuable lesson. The most efficient way to get rich is to screw other people out of their money. He showed them exactly how to do it.

Now, let me break down the Trump business model for you, into nice simple steps.

Say you want to open a taco stand.

First, get investors to put money into this money making opportunity, because using your own money is just stupid.

Take a bunch of the money for yourself, because you are the one setting it up.

Now, have someone else build the taco stand.

Take some money from them, because it was your idea, and take even more money because you let them put your name on the taco stand.

Have your investors rent a space, and pay all the rents and fees, because you have to spend money to make money.

Take some more of their money, because you just taught them a valuable business lesson.

Now, have the investors buy all the ingredients and pay someone to make tacos.

Take a cut of all the money for every taco sold, because your name is on the taco stand.

To finish this off in style, make sure you pay the workers the least amount you legally have to, and try using bargain taco meat and expired taco shells. When the taco stand starts losing money, claim bankruptcy so you don’t have to pay anyone back. Then, sue them for having your name on a loser taco stand.

 

 

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Oh yeah… we just got tickets to see Bad Company!!!

And not only Bad Company… Bad Company with Paul Rogers doing vocals… the original vocalist… who just happens to have one of the most powerful, soulful, rock/blues voices ever! And, as if that wasn’t enough, they will be joined by Joe Walsh, former guitarist of the Eagles, among many other things.

I have seen them before… way back in the day. Heck, I have seen just about every rock band from the ‘day’. For some reason, Led Zeppelin and Bad Company have always been my two favorite bands. Yes, Zep might be on a whole other level of talent than any other band ever. Yes, you could make the argument that Bad Co. is more like the best garage band in history. But when it comes to hard-driving, beat-driven rock and roll with a vocalist so good that they asked him to fill in for Freddy Mercury and sing with Queen… which he did… quite successfully… songs that grab you way deep down and don’t let go… then Bad Co. is the way to go.

If I can make a rather indelicate point, when it comes to songs that you want playing when you are driving across country through a long, late night… or you just ‘feel like makin’ love’… you should really have a Bad Co. CD in your collection.

Also, when I was a teenager, my standard dress code included a black Bad Co. t-shirt… with a big pot leaf on it… just sayin’…

The concert isn’t until May, but don’t worry, I will try to sneak past security and get some close-up pictures… like I did at the Foo Fighters concert… and share them with you.

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The me tiki… part 7…

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Oh heck yeah… the tiki is really starting to look like me… I used a black marker to color in the shades, and a thin Sharpie marker to make the mustache, goatee and eyebrows look more real. Don’t get me wrong. I am nowhere near done. I just wanted to see what this would look like, because I might try to paint it to look realistic when I do finish…

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But I have to say, it is coming along nicely.

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I don’t know how I got into that tree, but I know I gotta let me out!

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The me tiki… part 5…

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I am still hacking away at that piece of wood… trying to make it look like me…

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Making some more cross cuts… hoping I don’t cut too deep and end up having to slice the tip on my nose off again and start over even deeper in the log.

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Okay, that photo might be confusing… I was holding up the stick I use to whack my chisels with, to show you how much damage I have done to it.

All I know is that trying to make this…

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Pop out of a big piece of hard wood…

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Is turning into quite a challenge…

 

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Feeling anger at the political system? Try: Votetrumpicil!

WARNING… side effects may include:

Shrinking of male genitals, decrease in hand size, projectile vomiting, explosive diarrhea, loss of brain function, impulsive thoughts and actions, hair loss, unexpected hair growth in unwanted places, toenail flying off, rashes, boils, sharpened tongues, speaking without thinking, listening without understanding, climate change denial, an increased feeling that you need to stockpile automatic weapons in your underground bunker, a need to dig an underground bunker, hatred of Obama and his policies even though those policies are still in the process of fixing things broken by the last idiot who was in the White House before Obama, closed-mindedness, racist tendencies, excessive religious fanaticism, wealth hoarding, bankruptcy, the urge to shoot someone in Times Square to see if it decreases your number of friends, cysts, blindness, kidney infection, anal leakage, orange hair, orange skin, feelings of inferiority, pomposity, excessive outrage, wanting to sue everybody who says anything negative about you, negative tweeting, obnoxious facial expressions, low self-esteem or excessively high self-esteem, multiple marriages, impure thoughts about your own daughter, warts, gallstones, yeast infections, sociopathic tendencies, the complete downfall of America and a cessation of all that it once stood for and made it such a great country, and feelings of superiority not backed up by any actual evidence.

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The me tiki… part 4…

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Oh yeah, that tiki that I am carving… the one that is supposed to end up looking like my gravatar image… is coming along. I still have a lot of work to do, but I think this might actually work. I mean, I did have to cut a bunch of my own nose off…

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That is because I made the cut under my nose too deep when I got carried away with my saw… but… we will see what happens…

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Freedom of speech… some thoughts…

Freedom of speech. It seems like such a simple and obvious thing, at least in some countries. But it isn’t simple at all. Yes, you have the freedom to say anything, within a few well-established guidelines. You can’t yell “FIRE” in a crowded theatre. You can be sued for libel or slander if what you say about a particular person is an outright lie. When you really get to the heart of it, the right to say anything, which we hold so dear, is based on a social contract. We have all, more or less, agreed to conform to at least a certain, minimal level of socially acceptable language, falling under the generic category of political correctness.

You have the right to use racial slurs, but you will be labeled a racist and a bigot. You certainly are allowed to say stupid and inane things, but don’t blame the rest of us if we start calling you an ignoramus. What it boils down to is that you are judged by your words. Freedom of speech is basically us giving each other enough rope… or tongue… with which to hang ourselves, should we so choose.

On my blog, I insult people all the time. I tell myself that I am doing it for good reasons, because I mostly insult people whom I find obnoxious, people who disagree with me about fundamental issues. I insult terrorists and racists and people who want Americans to be able to collect a basement full of automatic weapons. I insult politicians and climate change deniers. I insult the haters and the ignorant. And I comfort myself with the fact that my freedom to type these words is protected under the laws of this country. But in the end, while I might have the right to say these things, I am also well aware that there are risks to expressing such ideas. Because one of those gun-totting racist bigots could come to my house and use one of his stockpile of automatic weapons to shoot me. I admit that I might be overinflating my importance in the vast scale of things. Maybe I haven’t actually insulted terrorists and religious extremists to the point where they have declared jihad on me, but then again, when the cartoonists at Charlie Hebdo were using humor to poke fun at fundamentalists, did it really occur to them that they were putting their lives in danger? Salman Rushdie knew he was putting his life on the line when he wrote The Satanic Verses. I am not in any way comparing what I do with any of that. I am just pointing out that freedom of speech is a complex issue. Just because you can say something, it doesn’t necessarily follow that you should say it.

As the author of a humor blog and some books that I like to think contain some humor, I understand the inherent need of anyone trying to express what is funny about the world in words, to push the envelope. Comedians and humorists are constantly trying to find the edge of the abyss and walk along it. Because humor is the weapon that some of us choose with which to battle all that is wrong with the world. Humor always serves some other purpose. It means nothing if it doesn’t strive to force people to think about things, to look into the dim corners and hidden recesses of the human condition and pull the stuff piled there out into the light to be examined. And often, the things that hide in the darkness do not want to have the light shone upon them.

 

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Sexy chicken…

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Seriously… what is going on with that chicken? I was busy yesterday, so I decided to cheat and pick up a rotisserie chicken at the store instead of cooking. When I pulled it out of the bag, it was all slumped over on one side like it was posing in a dirty magazine… or maybe like it got run over by a truck…. but just imagine that chicken is laying on a bed instead of a plate… wait, what? Well, yes, I could have used Photoshop and put it on the bed for you… but I can’t do everything around here… do you want your imagination to atrophy?

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The me tiki… part 3…

Well, I am still working on the tiki that is supposed to end up looking like me…

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I have to admit, I am a little bummed out.

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It does cheer me up that my dog, Shiloh, hangs out with me while I am carving…

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But, to be honest, I am, it turns out, better at carving weird tikis than carving an actual face. I seem to be off center… my nose ended up too far to the left, somehow. Also, I undercut the nose too far, using a saw to speed things up. Now, I might need to shave the whole thing down an extra half inch… and maybe cut a few inches off the whole right side… but, a large part of art is to just keep going, try to fix it, or turn it into something else.

So I’m not giving up yet.

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