Political piggies… stop trying to pork us…

Yes, politics is full of all kinds of unsavory ingredients… lobbyists, rigged systems, jerrymandering, obstructionism, and… well… I could go on… but one thing that really pisses me off is pork.

Pork is when they are trying to pass a bill to be made into law, and then, every time the bill passes through anyone’s grease-stained fingers, they add riders… little extra bits of gristle and fat… until, what was once a nice piece of bacon ends up resembling a Spam-like but much more unsavory hunk of nastiness.

Trying to pass a sensible gun control law… one that is supported by over 80% of the country? Go ahead… by the time it gets anywhere, there will be riders asking for money to fund a home for pregnant one-legged strippers in one state, and another asking for Federal aide in another state that is just sure that if the loggers had some help from the army, they could use tanks and helicopter gunships to knock down the last few trees faster.

So, as long as you are all already steaming mad at the whole political mess in this country, go ahead and add pork to your list.

Posted in thinking about stuff | Tagged , , , , | 2 Comments

Have you ever been so proud of your kid you could almost cry?

Today, I dropped our younger daughter, 17-year-old Mollie, off at a major university. She is going to a nine-day-long pre-med camp. She is going to learn things like suturing and who knows what else. The kid is smart, smart enough to get into med school if she decides to. And she is loving and caring and nurturing and very empathic. She took first aide classes to get a real babysitting certification years ago. She would make an awesome nurse… or doctor.

Other kids her age are going on vacations. She decided to do this. She doesn’t know a soul there. She is hundreds of miles from home. That is just how Mollie rolls.

I am still off on my mysterious adventure, but more about that later.

Posted in Stories of my life | Tagged , , , | 21 Comments

The 4th… and cute kids… and a cute dog… and a cute me…

a 1

Happy birthday, America, from me and my dog, Shiloh… you don’t look a day over 175… and I hope you saved the gift receipt for Donald Trump… so you can return him…

a 2

I got all my tikis out and decorated the yard, because we had a small party. Okay, I didn’t make the fire god fireplace… that was a Father’s Day gift… and technically speaking, that other thing that I did make is really more of a totem pole… sort of…

a 3

Okay, that’s more like it… I even put the one I am carving that looks just like me… can you spot him?

a 4

Willie, our godson, was there… look how big he is getting! He was swimming around naked as a fish.

a 5

And my little buddy, Olivia, was there… she is learning so many words.

a 6

And of course I was wearing the monkey shirt, because Olivia loves it… even though my wife hates it… and of course I put on a pirate hat and whipped out my swashbuckling hotdog-roasting/marshmallow-toasting barbeque cutlass… because nothing says Fourth Of July like… uh… pirate stuff.

The thing is… (hey, I haven’t had a thing for a while)… but I am going on a big adventure. I know, I don’t usually tell you when I do that… for security reasons… but my house will be well-guarded. There will be people there… so stay away…

I don’t even have time to post all the pictures of this party. But I will when I get back… in… a while… and I will have a shi… a boatload of pictures and stories then.

See ya!

 

Posted in dogs and other animals, Pictures of me, Stories of my life, Willie! | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

The Seven Kingdoms… chapter thirty…

(Author’s commentary); (And don’t forget, you can read the whole thing [so far] under the button on the top of the blog page)… Okay, why should you read a novel about a bunch of teenage princesses raising a rebel army to defeat an evil empire? Hasn’t this all been done before?

Yes… yes it has… but not by me. This isn’t a fairytale princess story… this isn’t the freekin’ Disney corporation. This has depth. This is character driven. This is an adventure story in the tradition of the Lord Of The Rings novels. This is like if the people who stood up to the Nazis during World War Two were being led by kick ass teen girls.

And I like my new spy master character. He is sort of reminding me of Lord Varys from Game Of Thrones… a little bit scary, but likeable at the same time.

**********

 

The Seven Kingdoms

 

Chapter Thirty

 

The room burst into an uproar bordering on pandemonium. Everyone had questions. Everyone had concerns.

“We have over four thousand Skull prisoners to guard, and we need enough troops to do that and keep this kingdom safe,” Nius Tar pointed out.

“We can use the freed conscripts and move the soldiers training in other towns here. They can keep the prisoners fenced off in part of the castle courtyard,” replied Hildy reasonably. “I have already sent out orders to the other towns. Men are on their way here as we speak. I doubt the Skulls have another army and fleet ready to invade this kingdom now. They have never failed in an invasion before.”

“We don’t have that many fire balls left,” Sanara warned.

“I sent Seevan out earlier to give orders to move people from other jobs to making more fire balls. The fleet and the two forts didn’t use all they had, either. By the time we leave tomorrow, we will have as many or more than we had today. We can take some of the fire slings off the ships when we land, so we will be pretty well off. Children are out gathering more stones, and we now have more than enough of the regular slings for every man I plan to take with me. We gathered up the throwing spears that were used, and more have been made, giving us five hundred now.” Hildy crossed her arms and sat back.

“We have roughly eight thousand men here, with another eight hundred or so scattered around the kingdom,” Zar reminded Hildy.

“I am leaving all the conscripts, and all the men with wounds who can still hold a spear. With the men who are coming now, we will have around three thousand men to guard a little over four thousand unarmed prisoners.” Hildy set her lips in a firm line. “Remember, most of the Skulls have no love for their king, and are happy to be out of the fight. Many would probably join us, if asked, but I have mixed feelings about that. One of our converts did try to kill me, after all. On the other hand, another young Skull gave his life to save mine. And the rest of the Skulls in our army fought bravely. We can talk about recruiting more at a later time.”

“Speaking of Skull prisoners,” Hildy continued quickly, “we should move prince Dezlore off your ship, fleet commander, and bring the chests of gold ashore too. Put them all in the castle. I had some rooms set aside for both. Dezlore can move in next door to our newest pet prince, Carmak.”

Commander Reef nodded. “How many ships do you want to send on this little adventure, commander?”

“That is where my plan is the most brilliant,” Hildy boasted with a broad smile. “We have roughly five thousand men to spare. I am dressing them all in Skull uniforms. We will use how ever many of the barges we need to carry us, one of the other newly-captured Skull trader ships, and your ship, which is still in Skull colors. When we sail into the bay, it is going to look like their own fleet returning.” She paused to let them appreciate her plan.

They obviously did. Hildy ended the meeting. She sent her new supplies and equipment staff to gather all the Skull uniforms and gear, and reminded them to focus production on the flame balls. Her commanders had orders to begin gathering the army and loading them on the ships. As everyone was leaving, Nudge stopped beside Hildy. “Did you know we killed another Skull prince during the fighting?” he asked her.

Hildy looked up at him from where she sat. “This is news to me.”

“Well, prince Carmak might not have known, assumed he was just hiding in the woods or something. It was prince Noory, not a bad fellow, actually. One of our men found him, halfway down the valley. He noticed the fancy armor when they were gathering up the equipment and looking for wounded enemy soldiers to help. Noory was a very plump individual, and I doubt he could move particularly fast. I identified the body. It looks like he was stabbed in the back. It was awfully confusing, that charge. Not always time to stop and properly take a prisoner.”

Hildy just nodded, feeling sleep creeping up on her.

“I understand why you are keeping some of us here, out of the next fight,” Nudge said in a lowered voice. “But why Middle? I mean, why not free your own kingdom, Hildy?

“It wouldn’t be fair,” Hildy told him. “It would look like I thought my own people were more important somehow. That’s part of it. But mostly, I just figure that Middle will be the least prepared. I learned from the men questioning the prisoners that the invasion was staged from Middle. There shouldn’t be too many soldiers there now. And I assume that is where their fleet would return to, win or lose.”

“Ah,” said Nudge, “that makes sense. Prince Cronan rules there now, married to Lawry’s sister. He is a real piece of work, that one. Just so you know, Carmak and Noory are the other two who were to have married the triplets. Besides me, I mean.” He turned and left the great hall.

Hildy hauled herself out of the chair. She had one more person to talk to before she could grab a few hours of sleep. A shadow detached itself from the wall by one of the fireplaces and glided silently towards her.

“I was just coming to find you,” Hildy said to the shadow.

Tarry Oar favored her with a smile. “I assume you wish to send the Black Ship to Middle, to get some information concerning the strength and positions of the enemy forces. I have many friends there, friends who would be delighted to see me again.”

Hildy was startled. “I wasn’t planning on sending you. You are far too valuable to risk.”

“I appreciate your concern, commander.” Tarry Oar considered how best to explain his reasoning. “I have been talking to your soldiers, and more recently, to the newly-freed conscripts. Making new friends, as it were. And, while I have a list of those who will be useful in their own kingdoms in the future, I fear that they need quite a bit of training. I sent a report to you just this morning, with a list of the names of soldiers I wish to borrow, but, of course, you have been rather busy.”

Hildy nodded for him to continue.

“What with how nervous people will be under Skull occupation, we can’t really expect any of my friends to just open their arms to someone they don’t know well. I have code phrases and hand signs and other ways to introduce one of my agents, but these haven’t been passed down the line to everyone in the occupied kingdoms yet.”

“But we can’t afford to let you be captured,” Hildy pointed out.

“I am really quite good at what I do, commander.” He sounded almost smug. “I have the ability to look and act like a fisherman or a shopkeeper, a farmer or a harmless old drunk. And I am, you must admit, most unremarkable. No one looks at me twice. Also, in the event that things do go wrong, I assure you that I will not be taken alive.” He pulled up the left sleeve of his tunic. A small, sheathed knife was strapped to his bicep, nestled into his armpit. He grinned happily. “It is incredibly sharp.”

“I’m still not convinced we can afford to lose you,” Hildy said.

“I already have my replacement well trained, and he will introduce himself to you, if needs be. And besides,” her spy master said with a sly wink, “you did put the Black Ship under my command. Let’s just say that I feel like taking her out for a little sail. I will be leaving as soon as we have finished this delightful conversation.”

Hildy couldn’t help but like this strange, little man. He led her to a small room on an upper level of the castle, where a table and some lamps were the only furniture. There wasn’t even a chair in the room. He went to a wall, and touched one of stone blocks. The block swung out from the wall, and he reached into a space behind where the block had sat, pulling out a rolled map.

“What is this place?” Hildy was quite bemused by all this skullduggery.

“This, my Lady, is the entrance room to my personal offices,” the spy master replied, speaking in a very melodramatically hushed voice, and finishing with a laugh. “Trust me when I say that I could leave you in this room for a thousand days, and you would never find the door that leads to them.” He unrolled the map, and they spent a short while discussing where and when they would next meet, off the coast of Middle.

Hildy caught a few hours of sleep, curled up on a couch in the great hall. She woke while it was still dark, and for a moment, she thought she was in the great hall back home, and that it had all been a dream. The fact that she had fallen asleep in a sweat and blood-stained uniform instead of a nightgown soon set her straight.

She climbed to the top of one of the castle towers, and watched her fleet preparing for the invasion. Longboats moved about the harbor, bringing troops and supplies to the various ships, their lanterns casting long reflections on the black water. More lanterns lit the decks of the ships where she could see men scurrying about. She marveled at the power that was hers to unleash, and the terrible responsibilities that represented.

She turned and walked to the other side of the tower and peered down into the courtyard. Skull prisoners were huddled in one side of the open space. Her men, by torchlight, were building a stout, wooden fence to contain them, while other soldiers held spears at the ready. Small groups of prisoners were being removed from the stockade. They were being forced to remove their uniforms, exchanging them for plain, white tunics. Each prisoner was then given a bowl of food, a cup of water, and a blanket, before being sent back into the enclosure.

She turned and descended the spiral staircase. It was time to set her plan into motion.

Posted in fiction | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

It’s official, I suck at blacksmithing… and I need to find someone to shave the back of my neck…

a 1

I also like the way my chin creases look when exaggerated and filed with soot…

IMG_5360

Oh, it started off fine, my second project in the level one blacksmithing class… I cleared out my clinker box in the forge, dumped the ash and the clinker, separated the raw coal from the usable coke, and had my fire-starting newspaper ‘jellyfish’ ready…

IMG_5363

The instructor gave the demonstration… we were learning forge welding… where you take two pieces of metal and use heat to bond them into oneness… I had my tools and the instructions laid out… and the metal bar on the left that is what this project starts out as.

IMG_5364

We were making trivets… three-legged stands for cooking or putting hot pans on… and the first cold bends were easy enough…

IMG_5365

I was still looking cool, clean, and confident at this point… although, seriously, that hair on the back of my neck has to go… not only is it ugly, it is actually a fire hazard near all those forges. You get hot embers floating around.

IMG_5367

I heated my corners to make some flat bends to turn this ‘U’ shape into something resembling a paperclip…

IMG_5368

That is when things began to go wrong… and I wasn’t even at the hard part yet. notice that my two bends are going in two directions… one is up and down, one is on its side… how did I even do that???

IMG_5369

I had to start over… and once again I remind you that we weren’t at the forge welding part yet… but that does look pretty good.

IMG_5372

Oh yeah, I had the basic triangle shape…  now it was just a question of getting those to ends to bond together in the forge… and also the other two edges needed to be welded, so that all three corners could be flattened and pounded out into the two-inch-long legs, which we would then bend down and put a bend in to make little, curled feet.

IMG_5373

Forge welding is both simple and tricky. You heat the metal to just below the point where you ruin it… color is everything… then you brush it with a steel brush to remove particles that will weaken the weld. Then you reheat it, then you sprinkle boric acid on it… (in that can in the picture above)… then you get it super hot… without burning it… and then pound it together. But not regular pounding… you have to hit and hold… leaving the hammer on the metal… for a few strokes. You do this until, when you hit it, it sound like it is one piece of metal and not two… sounds easy, right? And it can look… and sound… like one piece… but then later, when you are heating it again to pound it out into the two-inch legs, the weld can fail… and the thing splits apart, and is now too thin to forge weld again… and that is exactly what happened… and not only to me.

IMG_5374

Oh, I had such high hopes at this point. Now, to show what happens when metal is heated too much, here is a photo of that little side project I am working on…

IMG_5375

You may… or may not… remember that I am also making a pair of railroad spike knives, an idea I got from a TV show. I did manage to put twists in the spikes for the handles, even thought this is really high carbon steel, and very hard. It takes a long time to heat it up…

IMG_5377

If you look at the tip of that ‘knife’… where I am pounding out the blade… you see what happens when you leave metal in the fire too long… I burnt high carbon steel…

IMG_5378

I won’t bore you with more details. That is my project. My other two welds held, but not the main one… the two unattached ends… They came apart when I was pounding them out. I tried to redo the forge weld. No luck. I finally ended up twisting them together just so they would make a leg. I gave up trying to make the other two look good and just bent them over so at least I had a trivet. I didn’t turn it in. I have to retake this class.

IMG_5379

I am not a quitter, and I’m not giving up… but I am so bummed out right now. But just so you know, you can put a hot pan on it.

 

Posted in My art, Pictures of me, Stories of my life | Tagged , , , , , | 16 Comments

Don’t worry, Eric Idle will sort this mess out…

a 10

Posted in funny famous people pictures, My art | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I am particularly good at being a bad listener…

I have a natural skill that is slightly unusual. When I am only half listening… or not really listening… or just when I can’t hear very well… which happens more and more often as I get older… my brain has this magical way of filling in the gaps. It never leaps straight to the answer that makes the most sense. Oh no, not my brain. It just naturally fills in the spaces with the most bizarre interpretations available.

The other day, my wife just happened to mention that if we got a hot tub, she would be ecstatic…. my brain substituted the word ‘Hispanic’ for ecstatic… oh sure, once I put my mind to it and forced it to be more serious, it came to the right conclusion. But for one brief moment… I thought I was getting tacos for dinner for sure.

Okay, that might not be the best example. How about this one:

I was rinsing dishes in the sink the other day with the TV on. A Dr. Scholl’s commercial came on. They are a company that makes, among other things, I assume, odor eater shoe inserts, and now they have these gel cushions you stick in your shoes. The announcer was droning on about ‘Stimulating Step’ gel inserts… but what I heard was: ‘Simulating Sex’ gel inserts…

And if you think about it, maybe that should be a thing…

I can see the commercials now…

Simulating Sex inserts, for when you don’t know whether you are coming or going… give your feet a happy ending… and we guarantee a full release… of all your pent up stress and lower back pain.

Posted in thinking about stuff | Tagged , , | 8 Comments

In fairness, Trump did pull himself up by his own bootstraps…

a 10

I mean, yeah, they were solid gold… and studded with huge diamonds… and his daddy bought them for him… but still…

Posted in My art | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

What does Donald Trump do at night?… I knew it… clones…

PhotoFunia-1467322361

Okay… in all fairness, if I could afford to have a clone of myself, I would probably end up sleeping with myself too… but this is Trump we are talking about… eeeewwww….

Posted in funny famous people pictures, My art | Tagged , , , , , | 4 Comments

What does Donald Trump do at night?… yup, that is Chris Christie…

PhotoFunia-1467320423

That is just wrong on so many levels… you’re welcome…

Posted in funny famous people pictures, My art | Tagged , , , , , , | 4 Comments