It’s official, I suck at blacksmithing… and I need to find someone to shave the back of my neck…

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I also like the way my chin creases look when exaggerated and filed with soot…

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Oh, it started off fine, my second project in the level one blacksmithing class… I cleared out my clinker box in the forge, dumped the ash and the clinker, separated the raw coal from the usable coke, and had my fire-starting newspaper ‘jellyfish’ ready…

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The instructor gave the demonstration… we were learning forge welding… where you take two pieces of metal and use heat to bond them into oneness… I had my tools and the instructions laid out… and the metal bar on the left that is what this project starts out as.

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We were making trivets… three-legged stands for cooking or putting hot pans on… and the first cold bends were easy enough…

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I was still looking cool, clean, and confident at this point… although, seriously, that hair on the back of my neck has to go… not only is it ugly, it is actually a fire hazard near all those forges. You get hot embers floating around.

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I heated my corners to make some flat bends to turn this ‘U’ shape into something resembling a paperclip…

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That is when things began to go wrong… and I wasn’t even at the hard part yet. notice that my two bends are going in two directions… one is up and down, one is on its side… how did I even do that???

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I had to start over… and once again I remind you that we weren’t at the forge welding part yet… but that does look pretty good.

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Oh yeah, I had the basic triangle shape…  now it was just a question of getting those to ends to bond together in the forge… and also the other two edges needed to be welded, so that all three corners could be flattened and pounded out into the two-inch-long legs, which we would then bend down and put a bend in to make little, curled feet.

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Forge welding is both simple and tricky. You heat the metal to just below the point where you ruin it… color is everything… then you brush it with a steel brush to remove particles that will weaken the weld. Then you reheat it, then you sprinkle boric acid on it… (in that can in the picture above)… then you get it super hot… without burning it… and then pound it together. But not regular pounding… you have to hit and hold… leaving the hammer on the metal… for a few strokes. You do this until, when you hit it, it sound like it is one piece of metal and not two… sounds easy, right? And it can look… and sound… like one piece… but then later, when you are heating it again to pound it out into the two-inch legs, the weld can fail… and the thing splits apart, and is now too thin to forge weld again… and that is exactly what happened… and not only to me.

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Oh, I had such high hopes at this point. Now, to show what happens when metal is heated too much, here is a photo of that little side project I am working on…

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You may… or may not… remember that I am also making a pair of railroad spike knives, an idea I got from a TV show. I did manage to put twists in the spikes for the handles, even thought this is really high carbon steel, and very hard. It takes a long time to heat it up…

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If you look at the tip of that ‘knife’… where I am pounding out the blade… you see what happens when you leave metal in the fire too long… I burnt high carbon steel…

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I won’t bore you with more details. That is my project. My other two welds held, but not the main one… the two unattached ends… They came apart when I was pounding them out. I tried to redo the forge weld. No luck. I finally ended up twisting them together just so they would make a leg. I gave up trying to make the other two look good and just bent them over so at least I had a trivet. I didn’t turn it in. I have to retake this class.

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I am not a quitter, and I’m not giving up… but I am so bummed out right now. But just so you know, you can put a hot pan on it.

 

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Don’t worry, Eric Idle will sort this mess out…

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I am particularly good at being a bad listener…

I have a natural skill that is slightly unusual. When I am only half listening… or not really listening… or just when I can’t hear very well… which happens more and more often as I get older… my brain has this magical way of filling in the gaps. It never leaps straight to the answer that makes the most sense. Oh no, not my brain. It just naturally fills in the spaces with the most bizarre interpretations available.

The other day, my wife just happened to mention that if we got a hot tub, she would be ecstatic…. my brain substituted the word ‘Hispanic’ for ecstatic… oh sure, once I put my mind to it and forced it to be more serious, it came to the right conclusion. But for one brief moment… I thought I was getting tacos for dinner for sure.

Okay, that might not be the best example. How about this one:

I was rinsing dishes in the sink the other day with the TV on. A Dr. Scholl’s commercial came on. They are a company that makes, among other things, I assume, odor eater shoe inserts, and now they have these gel cushions you stick in your shoes. The announcer was droning on about ‘Stimulating Step’ gel inserts… but what I heard was: ‘Simulating Sex’ gel inserts…

And if you think about it, maybe that should be a thing…

I can see the commercials now…

Simulating Sex inserts, for when you don’t know whether you are coming or going… give your feet a happy ending… and we guarantee a full release… of all your pent up stress and lower back pain.

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In fairness, Trump did pull himself up by his own bootstraps…

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I mean, yeah, they were solid gold… and studded with huge diamonds… and his daddy bought them for him… but still…

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What does Donald Trump do at night?… I knew it… clones…

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Okay… in all fairness, if I could afford to have a clone of myself, I would probably end up sleeping with myself too… but this is Trump we are talking about… eeeewwww….

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What does Donald Trump do at night?… yup, that is Chris Christie…

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That is just wrong on so many levels… you’re welcome…

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What does Donald Trump do at night?… wait, is that Chris Christie???

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Other questions spring to mind… like… why is Trump naked… and where did Christie get that cool turtle costume???

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What does Donald Trump do at night?… part 3…

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What I have learned from this series of posts is that when you look at Trump’s eyes using night vision equipment, he has the soulless eyes of the undead… not that that is a surprise of anything…

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What does Donald Trump do at night?… part 2…

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Just a word of advice… do not Google: ‘Dominatrix whipping man’… unless you really want to… you sick puppy…

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The Seven Kingdoms… chapter twenty nine…

(Author’s commentary); What difference does it make… you aren’t reading it anyway… well, one of you is… and he is going to get a free, signed copy, and a dedication page, because he is now helping me edit the book. Hey, I don’t blame you. Who wants to read a bunch of words, anyway? I mean, yeah, it is a pretty dang exciting novel, and I would love some feedback, especially from some younger readers… but hey, I’m not going to post the last quarter of the book anyway, or nobody would ever buy it…

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The Seven Kingdoms

 

Chapter Twenty Nine

 

Prince Carmak couldn’t keep himself from talking for very long. “You are a very impressive young lady, Princess,” he said languidly, holding up a hand and viewing his fingernails. “But I’m afraid your work is still far from finished. You see, we split our fleet and army into two halves. The other half sailed into the bay to attack Smilingmantown.” He waved the hand he had been scrutinizing towards something behind Hildy.

Hildy turned. Black smoke was rising over the gap where the coast road took advantage of a low point in the hills to save people from having to walk all the way around the peninsula that protected this side of the bay. She turned back to the prince with every intention of ramming the butt of her spear into the prince’s smug guts. She stopped herself. She wouldn’t set an example of mistreating prisoners to her troops. “We might have a surprise or two in store for that half of your fleet and army too,” she said to her prisoner in a low growl.

She set about separating out the prisoners who wore the white collars, explaining to her soldiers why they could be trusted, and picking out enough troops to guard the new Skull prisoners. She had the men she was bringing with her grab up the spears from the beach where the surrendering army had tossed them in piles. There was nothing she could do to replenish the ammunition for the slings or add to the few fire balls that remained.

In a short while, she was leading her greatly-diminished army down the coast road towards the pall of smoke that rose into the sky. She stopped where the road began to rise into the low gap in the hills, letting her army march past her. She smiled and shouted encouragement to the troops as they passed her, those grim, dirty, exhausted soldiers, many of them bearing wounds. She was so proud of them, and she shouted that to them, over and over.

She saw so many familiar faces, friends she had known for a long time or just a little while. She was so moved that she wept without being aware of it. Her army cheered her in return. At the end of the column, Sanara led her flame troops, pushing the carts which were now almost empty.

Sanara stopped beside her. “Did you notice their ships?”

Hildy turned and looked back out to sea. The Skull ships had finished loading the troops they had been unable to land, and tied the longboats to their sterns. They were setting sail, but not back to where they had come from. The lead ships were already rounding the headland and turning, preparing to sail into the bay.

Hildy felt panic rising within her. Whatever was happening in the bay, the odds were about to shift significantly. Then she heard her men in the front of the column begin to cheer wildly from the top of the cut. At the same time, she was treated to yet another miraculous sight. Ships bearing sails of the colors of most of the kingdoms were sailing out of the mouth of the bay. They swarmed around the leading Skull ships. Almost at once she could see bursts of fire on the enemy decks. A black sail went up in a sheet of flames. More black smoke began wafting into the sky.

The trailing Skull ships turned to run, but they didn’t stand a chance. They were much slower than the trade ships, just wallowing barges for the most part. Each black ship was chased down by one or more of the ships of the resistance army fleet. She saw most of the enemy ships lowering their sails in surrender.

She ran to the top of the rise and looked down into the bay. The sight before her was both beautiful and horrifying. Skull ships were burning. A few had burned down all the way to the waterline. She saw smoking masts sticking out of the water below the mass of trees and bushes that hid the fort nearby. Other ships had had their sails torched, but seemed otherwise undamaged. The crews must have managed to put out the fires before they spread further. Many more enemy ships sat undamaged, sails lowered, watched over by ships of her fleet. She didn’t dare think about how many men had died here, or were dying, especially the poor conscripts forced into the Skull army.

It was all over, as quickly as that. Not one Skull ship or soldier escaped to take the tale of their defeat back to their master.

As evening fell, Hildy held a meeting in the great hall of the castle. The queen was there, and the commander of her fleet, along with all her staff officers. She had included Nius Tar, Zar, Sanara, Lawry and Nudge as well. Little Seevan stood by her side.

The commander of the fleet gave a short report on the naval battle. “They never stood a chance, really. They had no way to protect themselves from the fire balls, and only a few soldiers with slings on each ship to fight back with. On top of that, they had only a few trader ships in their fleet, and even those weren’t as fast as most of our ships. Those troop barges were just pathetic. I almost felt sorry for them. We actually only sank a few of their ships, and captured the rest. We lost just a handful of men.”

Zar raised her hand at this point. Hildy waved her to speak. “I have had men looking into the equipment we captured, as you asked, Hildy, and we questioned the prisoners. The Skulls attacked us with a fleet of forty barges and three of their trade ships. The barges carried two hundred soldiers each, and the trade ships one hundred. All told, their army consisted of over eight thousand men. Two thousand of these were conscripts from other kingdoms.”

Hildy waited for the news she was dreading most from Zar.

“It isn’t as bad as you feared, Hildy,” Zar told them all. “They sent most of the conscripts ashore at the first landing on the beach, no doubt hoping they would take the losses if we attacked them while they were still landing. We burned seven barges and one trade ship, but the trade ship and two of the barges had been unloaded already. Out of the conscripts, only about one hundred and sixty died.”

A tragedy and a waste, Hildy considered, but not as bad as she had feared. And one more thing for which to hold the Skulls accountable.

Zar continued. “Some of the men on their ships in the bay managed to escape the fires and swim ashore. All told, the invading army lost a little over two thousand men. We have just over six thousand prisoners, but one thousand eight hundred and forty of those are conscripts, and all are eager to join us.”

Hildy was trying to take all this information in, but she was so tired. Many hundreds of men had died, trapped in the burning barges. She couldn’t think about that.

“We captured nearly seven thousand spears, and uniforms, sets of armor and boots, and just over four hundred slings. And we now have thirty three barges and two more trade ships to add to our fleet, bringing it up to one hundred and ten ships now.” Zar took her seat once more.

“That’s it, I am making you the official commander of supplies and equipment. And you can make yourself a patch,” Hildy said with a grin.

There was general laughter at this comment.

While I am on the topic of promotions, make a patch for Sanara as well. I am making her commander of the flame troops. We need a patch for that, and we need another new type of patch for the new scout units I intend to train. And while I am thinking about uniforms, Zar, can we dye the tunics of the battle healers red, so the blood won’t be so noticeable? The white tunics are just bad for morale.”

There was much head nodding amongst the assemblage.

“Back to the promotions,” Hildy went on. “Nius Tar, I am making you a troop commander. I have heard how you took over leading the army after commander Bloom fell. I would make you my second in command, but I am no longer going to allow whoever holds that position to fight in the front lines, and I have a feeling that staff meetings and paperwork would bore you.”    “You know me well, and I thank you commander,” Nius Tar said quickly, “but we have been discussing a similar issue that has us all concerned. You never should have left the army to lead a smaller command. You put yourself in too much danger. We want to form a special guard of one thousand men to keep you safe, troops armed and equipped with the best armor and weapons we have. Troops that would never be far from your side. I would consider it an honor to be placed in charge of that unit.”

Hildy smiled at him. “How can I say no to the man who led the charge down to the beach?” Talking about the battle on the ridges nearly plunged Hildy into despair. “I lost too many men, putting them where they were. Maybe I am not the best person to be…”

Nius Tar cut her off before she could continue the thought. “My Lady, you couldn’t be more wrong! Your ambush, the stones hitting them from the sides and rear, is what caused the main Skull force in the valley to begin doubting their victory.”

“I have heard the reports already,” Hildy said, on the verge of tears. “Of the one thousand men we lost, most were the men that I sent to those ridges. I know many of the men ran, and found their way back after the battle, but three hundred men that were with me, and almost five hundred on the other ridge died or were severely wounded. We only lost two hundred down in the valley.”

“Yes, and if it hadn’t been for you putting men on the ridges, the two Skull flanking forces would have gotten behind us and attacked us at the worst possible moment,” Nius Tar told her forcefully. “Men die in battle, commander, the way battles are now fought. We lost less than we could have, and we learn from our mistakes. No one here thinks they could have done better.”

Hildy paused to let that sink in. She glanced at the queen. The queen was studying her in return. She wasn’t using her big ear. Hildy wondered how much she was able to hear, and how much she already knew.

“A few more promotions before I get to the main topic.” Hildy wasn’t looking forward to this part of the meeting. Some of her friends were going to be angry. “Lawry, I am making you a troop commander of supplies and equipment. King Aluff and Nudge, you are now troop captains of the same. You all work under Zar, wherever she finds you most useful.”

All three of the newly promoted officers began to argue, complain and object. Hildy held up her hand. “Those are my orders,” she stated calmly. She had no intention of losing her friends when she put her next plan into operation. “And make the triplets junior troop captains as well, have them help you,” Hildy said to Zar. The matter was closed, though she could feel the glares aimed at her.

“Finally, my young friend, Seevan,” Hildy said, putting her arm around the boy, “played a major role in turning the tide of the fight at the top of the valley, and saved some of our troops from walking into an ambush before that. I’m sure you all heard the story.” There was much applause and foot stomping. “He is now captain of messengers.”

She waited until the room had quieted again before making her final announcement. “It is going to be a long night. We have a lot to do, because tomorrow, I am taking a large part of our fleet and our army, and I am invading Middle.”

 

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