Dear Trump supporters…

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If you are unhappy with the way the ship is being run… you don’t set it on fire…

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Reading this blog could save your life…

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What? No… I don’t know exactly how it could save your life… I just do what the crack squirrels in my head tell me to do… but if the crack squirrels say it could save your life, I think we should take their word for it… I mean, why would the crack squirrels that live in my head lie???

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Yeah, I will Jedi mind trick you into reading my blog…

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I tried reverse psychology in the last couple of posts… didn’t see a rise in my stats… so now I am going to use my brain… for a change…

But I will not resort to using the force… or even just plain force… because that would be wrong.

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You have been warned!!!

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This blog is not for everybody! It contains thoughtful material, and requires you to use your mind. It contains humor, and requires you to laugh at things you never thought of laughing at. It contains satire and parody and sarcasm, which may not sound that bad… unless it happens to be aimed at something you hold dear.

This blog insults stupid people, racists, politicians, extremists, terrorists and other groups that I find annoying… if you are a stupid racist extremist terrorist politician, you probably shouldn’t poke around in here!

This blog takes normal, everyday things, and examines them from angles and in ways that you might not be used to… so if you get dizzy or suffer from motion sickness, stay out!

But the most insidious thing this blog contains is me… and my head full of crack squirrels and loads of free time and a penchant for making funny pictures in Photoshop…

If you ignore my warnings and do decide to explore the swamp that is my imagination… and you feel the urge to begin scrolling down into the depths of my soul… because this is my whole life here… please… wear sensible shoes… and bring some rope… and a flashlight… and a first aid kit… and some snacks and water bottles…

But please, feel free to talk to strangers… my followers are awesome, and are probably the least objectionable part of this blog… sigh…

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What… you thought that just anybody could come in here and read my blog???

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No way! You have to pass background checks, and intelligence tests… you need clearance, and 47 forms of ID… you need people to vouch for your character… investigators will visit your blog, and the blogs you follow, and delve into your life… my minions will talk to your friends and your 4th grade teacher, asking probing questions… microbots will scurry down the power lines and find your computer and set up cameras in your home… we will hack your phone, and examine your bank accounts…

The very idea that just any random person could stroll in here and have access to the outpourings of my mind is just preposterous!

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Hey, don’t just scroll on by… check out my blog!!!

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I am the toast of the town…

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HA! See what I did there?

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Stealth advertising is tricky…

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And another angel gets her wings…

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Our friend’s daughter, little miss Olivia… you know, she is the one I babysit with now and then… got baptized yesterday, and I was honored to be invited.

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There is her dad, Joey, who has been friends with my wife since they were young, and whom I have known since the 80’s.

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Olivia was not happy to have her head splashed with water, no matter how holy it was purported to be. I have never been to a Catholic baptism before, and I am pretty nonreligious these days, but I respect all beliefs, even if I don’t share them.

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And it really was an honor to be there… I love that kid…

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And afterwards, we all… (there was a bunch of their family there, even though my wife and daughter couldn’t make it, I was representin’, yo)… trooped over to a restaurant called Giovanni’s… because Joey comes form a good Italian family… and there I took what might be my favorite picture of Olivia ever… with her having come straight from church, to end up sitting on a pool table with a bar in the background… Yes, of course I teased Joey about his daughter getting an early start… what kind of friend do you think I am???

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It was an awesome day, and I got a chance to wear my suite again… but I don’t have any pictures… this day wasn’t about me.

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It was about this little angel… who still had anointing oil all over her head…

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Which made it possible to practice some slick disco moves… ha!

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Joey was feeding her cannoli and saying: “Olivia, this is the food of our people.”… I was cracking up…

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And yet, as she was savoring that Italian dessert, she did seem, for the first time that day, to have a real religious experience…

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I will believe Trump is ‘evolving’ when he does the following things…

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  1. Admits that evolution is a thing…
  2. Apologizes to Rosie O’Donnell…
  3.  Apologizes to all the rest of the women on this planet…
  4.  Apologizes to Mexico…
  5. Apologizes to immigrants…
  6.  Apologizes to Muslims…
  7. Apologizes to walls…
  8. Has all his supporters who assaulted people arrested, and then apologizes to the victims of the assaults…
  9. Admits that he has no strong beliefs in anything, and will say or do anything to get elected…
  10. Admits that he isn’t really good at business so much as he is a cold-blooded opportunist who will crush anybody who gets in his way, and then leave a trail of broke investors and unemployed workers behind him…
  11. Admits that he isn’t anywhere near as religious as he pretends to be…
  12. Admits that he is inappropriately attracted to his own daughter…
  13. Admits that he is purposefully courting the worst elements of his own party, a party to which he feels no real ties, and doesn’t care if he destroys, as long as he can stay in the spotlight…
  14. Apologizes to that female newswoman from FOX news that he insulted early in his campaign…
  15. Apologizes to President Obama for that whole ‘birther’ thing…
  16. Lets us hold him upside down, just to see what the hell his hair would look like if it wasn’t constrained by gravity, hair spray, wires, and black magic…
  17. Admits that his ‘make America great again’ hats are made in China… by slave laborers… who are like 9-years-old…
  18. Admits that there is no way he can build the ‘wall’ he keeps talking about for anywhere near the amount of money he keeps talking about…
  19. Admits that his water company went bankrupt, his steaks never got sold to anybody, and his magazine was really a copy of a brochure for one of his hotels…
  20. Admits that, when he estimates his own financial worth, he adds 20 billion dollars to the total just because he thinks his own name is worth that much…
  21. Admits that most buildings that say ‘Trump’ on them weren’t built by him and aren’t owned by him, but are just licensing the name…
  22. Most of all, I would like to hear him come right out and say that he is conning people with this whole ‘business genius’ ploy, hoping that they will believe that he is going to run America like a fancy hotel, and that they will all end up living in the penthouse suites, when really it will be him, his family, and a few one-percenter friends living up there… and the rest of his supporters will be working as maids, or in the laundry, washing his gold sheets, or cleaning the pool, or washing his gold dishes…
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