Well, the whole ‘political correctness’ thing really just ended up biting us in the ass…

All we managed to do with political correctness is to make idiots, racists, homophobes, and other assorted mentally deficient, don’t-believe-in-evolution-because-they-never-actually-did-evolve morons get really good at covering up their hatred and bigotry and small-mindedness when they were out in public.

Did we really expect them to change, to grow, to get smarter… what’s the word… oh, yeah… evolve???

Now, Trump has opened the Pandora’s box… or would that be the Trump’s mouth… and now, it’s like the Schrodinger’s cat box, only with the Trump mouth, you can’t tell if a person is evil or not until they open their mouth.

A perfect example of this is Ann Coulter on the national news, insisting that we can’t ‘P C police’ her mouth when she insists upon calling Asian Americans ‘Mandarins’… seemingly unaware that Mandarin is really a group of related languages spoken in some parts of China. Oh, and then she did one of those sarcastically condescending not-an-apology apologies just like her hero, the Donald.

So, political correctness had finally begun its pendulum swing back in the other direction, where the pea-brains of the country will insist that they aren’t racist or homophobic, its just the ‘war on idiocy’ trying to take away their God-given right to be complete jerks…

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A Terrible Thing To Waste… (Is this some kind of a hoax???)

You aren’t going to believe this. I can’t decide if I believe it or not, but I sort of want to. I got an email this morning. It came from some website called ‘aterriblethingtowaste.org/gov’, but by the time I tried to answer the email, the site was no longer in existence.

The guy told me, in this email, that he had been poking around the internet, and had stumbled across my blog. He went on to say that he thought my blog was the perfect place to share his story. Okay, at that point, I was ready to stop reading the email, because this guy already sounded more self-centered than me, and if there is anything that self-centered people like me hate, it’s other self-centered people. Like my blog has nothing better to do than post the story of his life. I am way too busy making fun of Donald Trump and posting about my own life.

But what he said next sort of intrigued me. He said that the reason he had chosen my blog was that nobody would believe his story… including me… but that my blog was so weird and so full of made up stuff, that everyone would assume this was like some new idea for a novel I was writing, which I would then try to fool people into buying once it was done. He does seem to get me, I must admit. And I do pride myself on having a particularly weird blog. On top of that, I like to learn things that I am told I won’t believe, just to see if I end up believing them or not. Because nobody tells me what I am crazy enough not to believe.

That was all the main email said, except for one last line saying that he would send me more emails about his life as his life happened. I found myself liking this guy… sort of… I opened the attachment. He was right. I don’t believe it. But, as I already said, I sort of want to.

Here is what he sent me, just cut and pasted from the email…

 

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My name is Rufus Nolana. The last name is sort of a joke, because I have no last name, so the government shortened No Last Name into Nolana. And you thought the government doesn’t have a sense of humor. Trust me, they do. A sick, dark, twisted sense of humor, but a sense of humor nonetheless.

I am 17-years-old. The reason I have no last name is because I was dropped off on the porch of a church when I was a baby. I was in a cardboard box, and I was covered with newspapers. I was also still covered with bodily secretions, because I had been born in the alley behind the church about a half hour before being dropped off. My mom was a crack addict. She cut my umbilical cord with a rusty razor blade, and if your doctor tells you that babies can’t feel the umbilical cord being cut, they are lying to you. It hurts.

Now, you may be wondering how I know that stuff. It is because I remember it. I remember it all. I even remember being sort of pissed that my mom was just leaving me. I knew that wasn’t right. The reason I remember my birth is both simple, and one of the most complex mysteries in the universe. I have total recall. I don’t mean I have eidetic memory or  photographic memory. I mean that I can remember precisely every single thing I have ever seen, heard, or been exposed to since the moment I popped out in that smelly alley. Because I am, as far as anybody, including myself, has been able to determine, the only human being ever born with access to his entire brain. I am not saying this out of pride. It is a biological fact. Ironically, only someone who has access to 100% of their gray matter can possibly know that they have access to all of it. I suppose that someone with access to 95% might think they can use the whole thing, but they would be deluding themselves. And trust me when I tell you, this freak genetic accident hasn’t exactly been a blessing for me.

It took the good people of the Children’s Protective Services in the city where I was born about three hours to determine that there was something different about me. It took another hour for them to realize that they were totally unprepared to deal with me. Due to the inefficient ways our government works, it took two more days before I ended up in the hands of a government agency that did feel as if they were equipped to deal with me. Those were the not-so-good people in charge of the research facilities known as Area 51.

Let me just say that most of what you hear about Area 51 is true. Let me also say that Area 51 is just a smokescreen for the really weird stuff our government is doing in other places. Yes, there are aliens in Area 51, both living and dead. That was one of the boring parts of growing up there. They look exactly like the pictures you have all seen. They come from an ancient race that stopped progressing long before we crawled out of the mud. They didn’t come here to study us or enlighten us or conquer us. A damaged ship hit Earth by pure, random chance. The crew, well, they have as much interest in communicating with us as we have in communicating with moss. They reached a high level of scientific advancement long ago, and then stagnated. Their lives are now, and I don’t mean just the ones here, but the ones back where they came from as well, quite a bit like the lives of your average, boring preteen living in a very small town. They spend a lot of time saying things like: “What do you want to do now?” and “I don’t know, what do you want to do now?” Cats and dogs have more life choices to make in a day.

That isn’t to say that there aren’t lots of other aliens out there, some who could help us and some that would definitely hurt us, but we don’t need to get into that right now. It is a big universe, and there are lots of other universes, and in all of them, we aren’t exactly in the middle of the main shipping lanes, and that is a good thing. I suppose that you would consider a lot of the things our government is doing with alien technology to be interesting, and I will probably end up telling you about some of it sooner or later, if I remember to. That was a joke. Of course I will remember to, I just might choose not to.

To make a long story short, I walked out of Area 51 yesterday. Well, I make it sound easy, but it took me twenty minutes of planning and research on the alien tech computers the government so thoughtfully provided, to pull it off. Just so you know, your computers and cell phones also have alien tech in them, you just don’t know it, because they are dumbed-down copies manufactured here on Earth.

It took me all of three hours to get to Las Vegas. It took me another hour to set up a false identity. I hacked a few accounts for some quick cash. Don’t worry, I only took money from people that have way too much of it and got it in illegal and immoral ways. The rest of the afternoon I spent creating documents to match my new identity. I took my first plane ride, and am now booked into a very nice, very exclusive resort somewhere near an ocean. How is that for being vague?

Right now, I am sitting on a veranda, typing this email on a laptop I brought with me when I ‘ran away from home’, and would totally blow your mind if you could get your hands on it, watching the sun come up over the ocean and enjoying a lovely room service meal. I never got to eat food like this growing up. I will have to be careful not to overdo it.

I am not quite sure what I will do next. I will let you know. I really do enjoy your blog, by the way. You are a weird person, in that sense that I know you like to be thought of as weird, and I hope we meet in person before too long.

 

Best wishes, the mutant formerly known as Rufus Nolana.

 

 

 

 

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You know, I was thinking about all the stuff I do… and I am crazy freekin’ talented…

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I don’t even know where to begin, really…

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I write and illustrate books for children…

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And books for bigger kids…

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I also write and sing and play guitar, but you have to click the button in the top bar for that…

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I invented both tie dye storm trooper…

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and Christmas ninja…

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I am learning to be a blacksmith…

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I not only carve tikis… but I can make them talk… and I am even carving one that looks like me…

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Babies… and animals… love me…

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I have been to London and seen the Queen…

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And I managed to get Eric Idle of Monty Python fame to follow me on Twitter and actually have conversations with him… And I still have time to make fun of annoying politicians here on the blog… (yay, Photoshop!!!)

I paint, I draw, I write, and I am still a pretty nice guy… just sayin’… I could go on, but even I am getting tired of this… for now… HA!

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Please… can I kick Trump in the crotch… just once???

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I pay my taxes… I was in the Navy… this country owes me…

Posted in funny famous people pictures, My art, Pictures of me | Tagged , , , , , , | 8 Comments

The Seven Kingdoms… chapter 24…

(Author’s commentary); Look, I am going to skip the commentary this time. If you are reading the novel, you know what’s happening, and if you aren’t, you won’t see these words anyway… so… yeah… but by the end of this chapter, it will be clear to you… if you do read it… that things are going to bust wide open.

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The Seven Kingdoms

 

Chapter Twenty Four

 

The following day, Hildy was eating bread and reading yet more reports. The report she held in her hand was cheering her up immensely. She almost couldn’t believe what it was telling her, although she had certainly seen plenty of other reports that had given details leading in this direction. Her army… their army… was growing at an incredible rate.

The four thousand local troops that had been training when they arrived on Smilingman had leaped to seven thousand, spread out across the kingdom. The almost five hundred soldiers she had brought with her were out there now, training the newest members of the resistance army. The eight hundred spear blades made by local craftsmen had now risen to an astonishing two thousand, thanks to the rapidly expanding production capabilities. The five hundred slings had expanded to four thousand, thanks to the women and children being put to work, and children all over the kingdom were hard at work gathering stones. The twenty one ships they had arrived in had joined with the fifty four ships in port, giving them a fleet of seventy five ships.

Sanara was also making great strides in the production of her new toys. Children were making the flame balls, of which there were now thousands. The regular type of slings were now being made with cloth pouches to hold the stones, and the carrying bags for this ammunition was being made of cloth as well, to save leather for the new fire slings, which required a larger pouch to throw the fire balls. Over four hundred of the new slings were ready, and were already distributed to the two forts and to the fleet. It would take a while for the army to get any, but building the wheeled carts to carry the ammunition and oil jars and torches was just getting started. Sanara had found warehouses full of tall, thin, clay jars used to store wine, and was having these emptied. They were being refilled with lamp oil, which fortunately came from a nut that grew wild and was quite common.

So far, only a few hundred of the new throwing spears were finished, and to speed up the production of those might require slowing down the production of the big spear blades. There just weren’t enough skilled metal workers, but more young teens, both male and female, were being trained in these arts, and things would pick up before too much longer. The quivers for the throwing spears, and the new cloth armor and helmets were being made by any women and children not busy doing something else, and all these things were making their way to the army in ever increasing numbers.

Now that they had figured out a simple way to keep the farms going, using the soldiers themselves, who now camped close to the fields and tended the crops in their spare time, food was still in short supply, but large harvests were expected. The troops were even managing to till new fields. As long as they could make the remaining food last until the harvest, the crises would be averted. It occurred to her that less than forty days had past since she had fled her home and family, and that they had only been in this kingdom for ten days. She couldn’t believe how much the entire world had changed in so short a time.

Hildy’s reading was interrupted by the slamming of a door and loud squeals. She barely had time to brace herself in her chair as the triplets ran into the room, around the huge desk, and swarmed all over her. Their high-pitched delight warmed her even as it almost deafened her.

“We missed you so much!” said Miri, in a voice so high as to be almost inaudible.

“We heard about Flame. Are mommy and daddy okay, do you think?” asked Tam Tam, in the same strangely hard to hear yet still somehow earsplitting tone.

“Did you miss us as much as we missed you?” Andita was curious to know, in an octave most humans can’t reach.

“We should take the army and save our kingdom,” suggested Miri directly into Hildy’s ear, as the three climbed all over her in order to all hug her at the same time.

Hildy was laughing too hard to answer any questions, while trying to grab each of the girls in turn in order to plant a kiss on each forehead. From her place in the center of the squirming pile of humanity, she managed to catch a glimpse of Zar, standing and watching in bemused patience. She is going to make a great mother, Hildy thought to herself.

After the triples settled down and she had assured them that they would do all they could, as soon as they could, to free their parents and their people, she sent them off to get some food. Then she went to Zar and hugged her. “You are working wonders out there, Zar.”

“It was smart of you to keep sending me reports on all the new developments, and the pictures you drew really helped,” Zar replied. “I started switching people around, putting some of them on the new projects. I didn’t find out about the new throwing spears until I got back to Smilingmantown, but I will write to some of the local people that I put in charge in the other towns. Once they have the specifics, they can start working on those too. But you will have to do the pictures. I can’t draw at all.”

“We really are making progress, aren’t we?” Hildy wondered aloud.

“I had another little idea that I have been playing around with,” Zar informed her. “A woman working in one of the uniform shops was injured. She had a nasty cut from one of the big blades they use to cut the long strips of cloth as they come off the looms. We had to call for a healer to sew up the side of her hand. One of the other women joked that she could sew at least as well as the healer. And it struck me, all of a sudden, that a lot of men are going to be needing sewing up before too much longer.”

“I’ve been thinking the same thing,” Hildy said somberly.

“Well, it takes years to train a healer, because they have to know all about every kind of medicine, each herb and berry and root, and how to deliver a baby or remove a bad appendix, or get rid of warts. But what if we had healers who just learned the basic stuff to keep someone injured in battle alive until they could be carried to a real healer. You know, bandage wounds, stop the bleeding, put a splint on a broken bone, and even sew up a really bad wound. I got all the healers I could find in every town, and had them start training all the volunteer soldiers I could gather up. A lot of men are just better suited for helping people than killing them. Before we came down the hill, I started the same thing in motion in Smilingmantown.”

“You are a genius!” Hildy declared.

“The men have been practicing by sewing up dead fish,” Zar told her with a laugh. And there are plenty of women volunteering too.”    “Incredible, just incredible,” Hildy said, shaking her head.

“Well, one healer told me that the most important thing off all when people are hurt, is to start working on them as soon as possible. Stop the bleeding, give them medicine for the pain, keep them warm, and keep them from going into shock. So I figured, why not have the army healers right behind the battle lines, where they can get to work on the wounded right away? And why not have other men with stretchers, who can move the badly injured troops to the real healers as soon as they can be moved? And then I had my craziest idea of all. What if we set up tents not too far from where a battle is being fought, and we have the real healers there, ready to work on the wounded men as soon as they are brought in? You would be surprised how many of the healers have volunteered for this. Some of them were so old I had to politely figure out a way to turn them down. It was really quite moving. I pointed out that we would still need healers in all the towns, to take care of the badly wounded soldiers while they were recuperating.”

Hildy was about to say something else complimentary to her friend, when suddenly, a young boy rushed into the room. Hildy recognized him as one of the queen’s young, orphan messenger boys. One look at his pale, sweaty face, and the way he was panting from obviously running all the way there from the castle, told her that the news was not good.

“A Skull fleet is landing troops on the beach not far from the mouth of Smilingman Bay, commander,” the boy gasped, after coming to attention before her. “And there are an awful lot of them.”

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ZOOmin’ around… the final chapter…

Well, this is it for this adventure at the San Diego zoo with my little buddy, Olivia…

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Hey, I told you… she loves turtles…

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That is an actual, life-sized, bronze, Galapagos tortoise, just so you know…

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Oh come on… how cute is she…

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I even saved a couple of the pictures of the baby hippo playing with its mommy, just to bump up the cuteness factor of this last post…

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Oh yeah…

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Okay… that one just sort of fell between the cracks… I had a lot of pictures and… whatever… I still like monkeys…

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Yup, since I renewed my zoo membership card, I am planning on spending time this summer at the zoo and the wild animal park… maybe when I am not babysitting somebody else’s kid and can sit still for a while… and get some awesome zoom shots of animals…

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ZOOmin’ around… part 9… for the birds…

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Oh yeah… hummingbird in flight…

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ZOOmin’ around… part 8… for the birds…

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Birds are not always easy to photograph… even in a zoo setting… and especially the little birds… because those guys move around almost as much as the crack squirrels that live inside my head…

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Inside the San Diego zoo, there are several large aviaries. They are a great place to take a zoom lens… There is also this one, smaller aviary, where they keep small, fast, shy birds. It is particularly challenging… especially when you are babysitting a one-year-old girl with lots of energy… and the thick jungle foliage doesn’t make it any easier…

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But with a little patience, you can get some good shots…

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To be honest, I deleted a lot of pictures that were just blurs… and some where I didn’t see a bird in the photo at all… HA!

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It’s almost like they know you are trying to photograph them…

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Awwwww… that one is building a nest…

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The best thing about digital cameras is that you can take lots of pictures and just delete the bad ones.

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The few good pictures make you look like you actually know what you are doing…

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And you can always just point the camera at the feeding stations and wait…

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But when you catch a hummingbird sitting still, you can’t help but feel proud of yourself.

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ZOOmin’ around… part 7… for the birds…

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Strangely, I saved a bunch of pictures of birds for the last parts of this series…

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I like to build to a crescendo…

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You would think that it would be hard to top the baby gorilla, or the mom and baby hippo playing… but I have some awesome bird pictures coming up soon…

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Not that these pictures aren’t nice…

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But I got some pictures of hummingbirds and other small birds that were really hard to get… because small birds do not sit still…

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Unlike that guy… who obviously sits still in a barber chair for hours at a time…

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ZOOmin’ around… part 6…

And we saw this little guy again…

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