A Christmas poem rewrite for Trump voters…

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T’was the night before the election, and all through my gut

My last meal was stirring, and shooting straight out of my butt

The pollsters had been certain Hillary would win it with ease

Who would actually vote for that pussy-grabbing sleaze?

Absolutely no one was laying all snug in their bed

As we watched on the map, states turn blue or turn red

And as the map turned redder than a really bad crime scene

We began to ask ourselves, just what would this mean?

Well, let me tell you what it means, you racists and thugs

You Trump-supporting Nazis and human-shaped slugs

It means that you won, and for now, you are happy

And it means that for all of us, life’s about to get crappy

It means the future of our planet rests with climate change deniers

It means flooding and storms, it means famine and fires

It means unregulated smokestacks vomiting filth in the air

It means no choices for women, and no fucking healthcare

It means a supreme court that will put corporations before people

It means freedom of religion… as long as there is a cross on the steeple

It means that people of color will be living in fear

It means our election was decided by a guy named Vladimir

It means Donald will drain the swamp, and replace what we had

With ass-hats who will end up being ten times as bad

So enjoy it while you can, if you voted for Trump

Because you’ll be living right beside us… in a vast, toxic dump

When you let Nazis help extinguish lady liberty’s lamp

Don’t be surprised if you end up locked up in a camp

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The Seven Kingdoms… chapter forty one…

(Author’s commentary): Oh yeah, there is going to be a big battle… we are getting close to the big finish.

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The Seven Kingdoms

 

Chapter Forty One

 

Hildy spotted one of the two men she had promoted to battle commander on the night the enemy fleet had been defeated off Middletown, once again leading his thousand-man unit. His name was Tor Plower. Hildy called him over to her. She wracked her brain, and remembered the other man’s name as well. “When you get to the top of the ridge, find Anso Root. Each of you take half the army and move down the ridge on either side of the road. If there is no enemy resistance, you can stay on the road. It will be harder to move the troops through the trees in formation. I want the army lined up, at the edge of the forest, facing the plain beyond, half on each side of the road. Keep them in the trees and out of sight. I will be up there soon, and we will decide whether to keep moving then.

Both he and Anso Root were men who had been with the army on Smilingman since it was first being expanded by the late queen. He didn’t ask any questions, but hurried to catch up to his men and carry out her orders.

Hildy stayed with Nius Tar until her army had passed, the prisoners were well on their way, and the road had been cleared of all the discarded equipment. But she did pick up two spears and two sets of armor that looked to be well-made and maintained, and set them aside. She beckoned to the two runners, who had never strayed far from her side. “Here is your armor, and your weapons. You are now part of my personal guard. Stay close to me. We don’t have any more of the green dye, and I don’t want you to be mistaken for enemy soldiers.”

The two men grinned like children being given sweets, and began to put the armor on. Hildy showed them how to use the straps and buckles so as not to leave a gap between the chest and back pieces. Then, she and her slightly-larger guard went up the hill.

When she got to the top, and could see the great plain below, Hildy saw precisely what she expected to see. On the road below her, the tail end of her army was leaving the road, where the forest began to thin out at the base of the ridge, filing off in either direction into the trees. Beyond them, Skull soldiers were still running like a black stream, but the stream stalled at a black dam of Skull units, spreading out on to the plain on both sides of the road, organizing into lines, ranks that stretched to the beach on her right, and far out into the grassland and farm fields on her left. Behind the growing dam, the road was dark with more soldiers coming up from the rear. The size of the enemy army, viewed from the ridgetop, struck her like a blow.

She realized it was getting colder, and she saw that the sun was low on the horizon out over the sea, where she could see the first ships of her fleet passing the tip of the ridge where it ran down almost to the beach. She doubted the enemy would attack before morning, when their numbers would be even greater. An attack in the dark would be a messy and confusing business. She knew her soldiers were in no shape to fight a major battle, as tempting as the idea of hitting the enemy before they were at full strength or well-organized was.

She sent her two runners down the ridge to the beach with her white rag, instructing them to tie it to one of their spears, and how to wave it to get the fleet to begin landing supplies. “Make sure they land the supplies by the tip of the ridge, where it ends, right before the beach,” she told them. “And tell the sailors to relay an order to the fleet commander. Tell him I want the triplets to be brought ashore. You will accompany the princesses back here, and wait with them if I am not here when you return.” She called a young troop captain over to her. “Take your troop, and accompany these two men. You will be escorting three young girls, and you will guard them as if they were your own daughters.”

Then, as dusk fell, followed by her protective escort, Hildy toured the ranks of her army. She made her way along the lines, chatting and joking with her soldiers as they made their camp fires, and telling them that food and blankets would be brought to them as soon as it was possible. She instructed the officers to have the men sleep in shifts, with half staying awake and ready all through the night. She ordered all the scouts to crawl out into the tall grass of the plain at wide intervals, to give warning if the enemy tried to surprise them. She told them to stay within shouting distance of their own lines, and to stay alert. When she reached the end of the ridge nearest the sea, she made sure that end of the line was reinforced, and that troops were placed on the beach itself, to make sure there was no chance that a night raid by the enemy could capture the provisions. She also had several troops of soldiers put in charge of making sure that the food, water, and blankets would be distributed all the way down the lines, so none of her troops would be cold and hungry throughout the long night.

By the time she had traversed the entire line, it was very dark, and the moon had not yet risen. Only the fires lit by her soldiers let her find her way through the thick forest. When she returned to the road, the two runners and the troop captain and his men were there, waiting with the triplets. The poor troop captain was nearly knocked over by the three blanket-clad figures that rushed past him, squealing excitedly, to swarm around Hildy.

Hildy tried to hug three squirming girls with only the two arms she had been born with. Inside, she was in turmoil. She was happy to see them, but fully aware that she had brought thirteen-year-old girls into an area where a big battle was going to be fought, a battle she wasn’t sure she could win, and there was the cruel irony. These sweet, innocent young girls might well have the ability to turn the tide in that battle. Yet again, Hildy was shocked at what she had become. The lives of all these people gathered around her in the dark woods depended on what she decided to do or not to do. She felt the weight of that responsibility, and was amazed that it didn’t crush her to the ground.

Nius Tar interrupted the moment, although he didn’t need to interrupt the triplets. For a change, not one of them was saying a word. “Commander, we have a fire lit for you. The princesses can sleep beside it. The grass is very soft and comfortable.”

Hildy smiled at him gratefully, and followed him into the forest, pulling the triplets along with her. She settled them down around the fire, and they fell asleep, still not having said a word. Hildy didn’t know if they were being sensitive to how much she had on her mind, or if they were exhausted from their adventures or just scared. She looked around her. Armed and armored men of her personal guard surrounded them, their faces serious and almost frightening in the light of the flickering fire. She sensed them all out there, forming a wall with their bodies and their hearts, a living fortress. There would be no warm fires, no blankets and soothing sleep for these men. She saw Nius Tar. He stood  beyond the fire and the three sleeping girls. He held his spear angled out from his body, the butt of the spear on the ground. He was watching the sleeping princesses. She saw the loyalty and strength in his face. He would give up his life for these girls, or for her, without hesitation. He sensed her watching him, and glanced at her, grinning. She silently mouthed the words ‘thank you’. He nodded, and went back to watching.

Hildy lay down beside Miri, put an arm around her, and fell asleep.

She was up before dawn, too worried to sleep well. She walked back out onto the road, and looked out across the dark plain. The fires of the enemy camps seemed to outnumber the stars in the sky. She heard her guardsmen moving to stay close to her. The moon was almost full, the reflection lighting a long highway out to sea, vanishing in the distance. She was hungry, but she wasn’t sure she could eat anything. When she turned to go back to the fire, she saw that the sky beyond the ridge was beginning to glow with the coming dawn.

“Spread the word down the line,” she said to the men around her. “Tell the men to get in formation. I want them to stay right at the edge of the tree line where the forest is still thick. Let’s keep the enemy guessing about how many of us there are. And have my battle commanders sent to me. We have a war to win.”

Her battle commanders arrived not long after. They talked, standing in the road, looking out over the enemy as the sun tinted the sky behind them. She explained that she wanted the army to stay out of sight, and that she intended to wait and see what the enemy did, but that she was certain they would attack soon.

“If they don’t, we will send a few troops forward to provoke them with some sling stones, but I’m not sending our army out onto the plain against a force three times our size. We will make them come to us. Make them march up hill, and make them pay for every bit of ground they take. And they will come. They will come because they are hungry, and there is no food behind them anymore. And they will come because their king wants to conquer the world, and we are all that stands in his way.”

The two men nodded.

“Each of you will command half the army, on either side of the road. I leave it up to you to decide how far to extend our lines on the left, where we can’t anchor it to the sea. Once the enemy is formed up and coming at us, you can shift your troops on that side, and extend the line. Don’t spread them too thin, but we can’t let them get around and behind us either. I can send some reinforcements if they try to move in that direction, but I don’t think they will. I think their king wants to crush us, and will mass his men and come straight on.” Hildy glanced over her shoulder. The sun was up, but still hidden behind then ridge. “I will be in the center, on the road. I will stay back from the front lines for at least a while, because being higher up, I will have a better view of the enemy movements. Report back to me when the enemy begins to move.”

The two men nodded once more, and went off to decide which would hold the left. Hildy stood still for a moment and looked out over the sleeping enemy, listening to the sounds of her army as they prepared for battle.  Then she turned and went back into the still-dark woods.

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Uh… Gadzookes wanted to say ‘merry Christmas’ again…

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Yes, that is the cover of one of my children’s books… which make a lovely Christmas gift for the little ones, and are available by clicking the pictures of the book in the sidebar, if you didn’t know. Oh, and I added the Santa hat. It isn’t a Christmas story, it is about finding friendship.

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I say we don’t pay our taxes while Trump is in office… I mean, he started it…

Besides, he will just spend it on stupid stuff.

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I hope you all get lots of booty for Christmas… uh… I mean plunder… yeah, let’s go with plunder…

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You know, treasure… pieces of eight… that kind of stuff…

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Why yes, that is an inflatable turkey with a Santa hat… hey… don’t judge me!

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We get s little weird around here at Christmas time, what can I say?

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I invented a new adult beverage, and you get to help me name it!!!

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Oh yeah, Martinelli’s sparkling (non-alcoholic) apple cider and champagne… it is a little like a mimosa, but more bubbly… and appley…  now we just need a cool name for it.

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Does this Santa hat make my head look fat?

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I keep telling the elves not to wash my stuff in hot water.

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The Seven Kingdoms… chapter forty…

(Author’s commentary): Uh… I got nothing. If you aren’t reading this, then my commentary doesn’t matter, and if you are, then you already know what is going on… HA! But I do like the feisty old man in this chapter.

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The Seven Kingdoms

 

Chapter Forty

 

Hildy turned from her self-doubt to the very real problems of fighting the biggest battle in the history of her world. She winked at the old man, and put a hand on each of the little girls’ heads. “Take them to safety in Middletown, and I will see what I can do about saving your kingdom.”

The old man gave her a grin that was more of a grimace. “Well, I appreciate that, young lady. They already burned my farm, and took away my daughter, who was out in the fields when they came, but let’s see how you do with the rest.”

Hildy couldn’t be angry. The old man was scared, missing his daughter, and worrying about what might happen to her, all while being in sole charge of two young children. “I will do what I can to get your daughter back to you,” she told him with great sincerity.

“I know you will,” he said, looking into her eyes. “I never meant to imply otherwise. I’m an irascible old so and so. Everybody says so.”

Hildy put a hand on his shoulder and winked at him again. She patted the girls on the head one more time, and hurried to join her army.

“I would come and fight with you, if I didn’t have the little ones to look after,” the old man shouted at her back.

“I know you would,” she yelled over her shoulder. She looked ahead to where the road passed through the cut in the ridge. A plan was beginning to form in her mind. She began to run, and as she ran, she shouted to the soldiers around her. “Follow me!” She raced along the road. She nearly laughed aloud as she continued to shout for her army to follow her, repeatedly. She never did come up with a catchy rallying cry, she considered ruefully. Follow me isn’t exactly inspirational.

Her soldiers ran, around and behind her. She passed the fire troops, pushing their twenty carts filled with jars of oil. They began pushing the carts faster, more of them grabbing hold to lend a hand. Sanara, leading them, waved at Hildy as she trotted past her, urging her slingers on to greater speed. Hildy noticed that Nius Tar and her bodyguard of one thousand soldiers had seamlessly formed a protective bubble around her as she ran. She soon overtook the front of her army, and still she ran, pulling them along with her like a great, billowing cloak.

The forest began on either side of her, young trees scattered about as the woods spread out over the plain. She stopped when she got the base of the ridge, where the ground started to rise, and the road started climbing towards the pass. The trees were thick here on both sides of the road. It was perfect for what she had in mind. She went further up the rise and stopped once more, her personal guard gathered around her. She spoke loudly, addressing all of them that could hear her. “Stop the men here. Find every troop commander and have them move their men into the trees, forming lines facing the road. But tell them to get far enough into the trees that they can’t be seen from the road. I want half the army on one side, and half on the other. And tell them I will let some of the Skull army go past us before I order the attack. When they hear shouting, they should send their troops forward, but nobody makes a sound before that.”

Her guard troops blocked the road and began passing on her orders. Hildy looked back down the hill at the road stretching away into the distance. It was a race now. Could her army hide before the first Skull troops crested the rise and spotted them? She turned back around and studied the road where it disappeared over the crest. She was happy to see one of her scouts running down the hill towards her.

“How much time do we have before they come over the top?” she asked, less politely than she might have.

The scout studied the army, seeing how fast they were moving. “It’s going to be close,” he decided.

“Get back up to the top, and signal me when they are near you,” she ordered. “And stay out of sight of them.” Then she sent runners down the hill to hurry her army along. The last of the stragglers had just slipped into the woods when Hildy glanced, for at least the hundredth time, back up at the top of the hill. The scout, standing beside a tree at the side of the road, and staying just below the crest and out of the enemies’ line of sight, was waving frantically. Hildy waved back at him, then turned the wave into a swatting motion, to remind him to get further back into the woods. Then she turned and darted into the thick forest herself, a predatory grin on her face. The time for worrying about what she could have done better was over. Now was the time to show the Skulls what her army could do.

Hildy was probably closer to the road than anyone else in her army, at least if they were all following her instructions.  Nius Tar and some of her personal guard were a little way behind her, watching over her. She crouched down behind a large tree, then turned her head and winked at Nius before turning back towards the road. Soon she heard the first Skull soldiers. They were talking loudly. A moment later, the first of them came into view. More followed, and more after that. Hildy began to do a rough count as they passed her.

Two things struck her about these troops. The first thing was how shabby they looked. They were poorly equipped. Some had no armor at all, or just bits and pieces, and the armor looked poorly made. The men were filthy and many were pathetically thin. They didn’t march in formation, just shambled along like sullen children on their way to do unwanted chores. They were talking, but it wasn’t the joking and playful insults and stories of past adventures and romance that she heard from her soldiers on the march. These men were grumbling and complaining, from all she could hear. There were no officers that she could see, either.

The other thing she noticed was how many old men and young boys that were mixed in with the rest. Why were these troops leading the army? Was this representative of the whole army, or did their king send them out ahead not caring if they ran into her army and were slaughtered? Either way, she could almost feel sorry for this rabble. But they carried spears, and fate had put them on the wrong side of this war.

She was glad that she had thought to have Zar load barrels of the various shades of green dyes onto the she ships of the fleet before they left Middletown. Each day, during the meal stops, one of the thousand-man units had spread their armor on the beach, and the men took turns, splashing and dribbling the dyes onto their equipment. They had made a game of it, and many a soldier had ended up more colorful than he had intended. It took a few days for the dyes to come off human skin. The idea of her troops, many of them dressed in black armor, running out of the woods from both sides to attack similarly dressed enemy soldiers, and the confusion that might have resulted, was chilling.

She waited until about two thousand of the enemy soldiers had passed her position. She didn’t want to let any of them get past her soldiers hiding in the woods lower down the slope. The time felt right. She stood, turning sideways, looked back at Nius Tar, and lifted her spear point towards the road. “Attack!” she screamed at the top of her lungs. The men who could hear her repeated her yell, and stood, grasping their spears, and rushing forward. Hildy wasn’t at all surprised when her guard troops advanced only until they surrounded her, but the rest of the army charged the road with wild abandon. Her soldiers continued to scream that single word as they moved forward, and it spread down the ridge as more men heard it and took it up. Then she heard it coming from the woods on the other side of the road, moving towards her and getting louder and louder. The sound of so many men yelling that one word was terrifying. Maybe it wasn’t a clever battle cry, Hildy decided, but it got the job done.

Hildy stepped closer to the road, just to see how things were going. The men of her personal guard clustered nearer around her as she got closer to potential danger. She took a few more steps, and the knot of men around her grew tighter. She loved them for wanting to keep her safe, but this was going to get old quickly. And they were blocking her view. By the time she pushed her way through to the road, the attack was over.

As far as she could see, looking down the road, were Skull soldiers, holding their empty hands up by their shoulders. Their spears lay scattered at their feet. A few of the prisoners had minor wounds, but only the few who had been so startled by the attack that they didn’t drop their weapons fast enough when ordered to do so. She looked up the road towards the cut and saw Skull soldiers streaming up the hill as fast as they could run. Most of them had dropped their spears as well.

“We can’t stop here!” she shouted to the troops around her. “Form up in your units and make for the top of the ridge.” She realized that she had to do something with the prisoners, even as her men began to trot past her.

She beckoned Nius Tar over to her. “Send half your men down the hill. Have them strip the prisoners of everything but their tunics. And I mean their sandals, too. Then tell them to start walking to Middletown, and when they get there, to turn themselves in at the camps. Tell them they will be easy to spot, in their black tunics, and if they stop and cause any trouble, or try to hide, we will find them and make them sorry. They can eat any food that was left by the refugees, but if they steal any from anywhere else, I will have them all killed. Slowly. And hide their armor and weapons in the woods. Make small piles and then throw some leaves over them.

Nius Tar grinned, and went to relay the orders. Hildy turned to the nearest prisoners. “Did you all hear what I just said?”

Those that had, nodded. One, an older man, spoke. “You don’t need to worry about us, great lady. We never wanted to be here in the first place.” He threw his helmet on the road and began to unstrap his leather chest piece. The others around him did the same. Soon, the prisoners were making their way down the slope, staying off the road as much as they could, to allow the resistance army troops to pass them in the other direction.

 

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We had a plum pudding… and it isn’t even Christmas yet!

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Oh, yeah! Plum pudding! And yes, it is supposed to be on fire. Plum pudding is a traditional English Christmas treat… My family has them every Christmas, and my wife is now the official plum pudding,,, which has no plums in it…chef. It is really just an excuse to eat hard sauce. Also, plum pudding has magic fat in it that will preserve it forever. You should Google plum pudding… and hard sauce.

Oh, and the reason we had plum pudding before Christmas is because we had an early Christmas party at our house, before… you know… we do that other Christmas stuff we always so. I have a few more pictures to share.

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