Pouring My Art Out

Hey… who wants to be in my book?

Posted on July 30, 2015 by pouringmyartout

Seriously… I am in the unique position of being able to write some of you in as characters in a murder mystery set in World War Two London.

Okay, this is sort of a long story, but bear with me. I got sucked into that NANOWRIMO thing… you know the thing where they challenge you to write a whole novel in one month… not the last time it came up, but the time before that.

*(I would like to go on record once more as being against this idea. Adding the unrealistic time limit to the difficulties of writing a novel is a stupid idea. I can see how it might work for a small percentage of people, but I do not recommend it).

That being said, I did almost write an entire novel in one freekin’ month. It is still down there, if you want to read some of it… just type ‘Honor Misplaced’ in the search bar. I should warn you that;

A. I didn’t post the dramatic final chapters… because I am trying to make money off my books…

B. I have since changed the name to; Double Service…

C. I posted the completely unedited version as I typed it super fast, so it has gone through some serious changes, with parts being added… but it will give you an idea of what to expect…

Anywho, my head minion, the illustrious Canadian who goes by the unlikely but supposedly real name of Trent Lewin, is now helping me edit the final version… He is actually in it, by the way, because back when I was writing it, I came up with the awesomely clever idea of writing some of you into the story. I think there are like 15 bloggers in the book.

The thing is… we all knew there was going to be a thing in here somewhere… five of those people aren’t around anymore. So I have room for five new characters… well, not new… they are already written… but I can change the names.

So yes, you can have your name in a novel. It can be your real name, or a name that sounds like your real name with a slight change to protect your anonymity. Or, if we are really clever, we can figure out how to use your blogging name, changing it to sound like a real name.

But there is a catch… there is always a catch in life. In fact, there are a few catches…

1. I need one female name that sounds Russian.

2. I need one female name that sounds Italian… maybe… sort of…

3. It would really help if your name sounds British.

4. You need to let me know NOW!

Posted in stuff about blogging, thinking about stuff | Tagged bloggers, blogs, books, current-events, fiction, humor, novel, social-media, writing | 93 Comments

Versailles… part 2… Lifestyles of the rich and French…

Posted on July 30, 2015 by pouringmyartout

If you want to live like a French king, there are certain standards that you have to meet, and certain steps that you must take…

Step 1. Commission a famous artist to make a statue of you dressed as an ancient Roman… or a god… or both, if the artist is talented enough. If he isn’t talented enough, have him executed and get another artist.

Step 2. Buy… or have made… a really big house with lots of really big rooms… then get some paintings… really big paintings… preferably of you and your friends dressed as ancient Romans of Greeks and done by famous artists… have them framed in gold-gilded frames… and hang them in all the really big rooms.

Step 3. Don’t forget to order more paintings of all your relatives.

Step 4. Don’t forget about the ceilings. Plain ceilings are for peasants. Have all your ceilings covered with a layer of real gold, and put your famous painters to work again.

Step 5. Make sure the painters understand that subtlety is not a quality that impresses you.

Step 6. Do not forget to have your interior decorators match the bed canopies to the wall paper… as if that could happen… with French interior decorators…

Step 7. Bear in mind that every square inch of your big house must either be covered with gold, a rare fabric, fancy carvings, and/or a painting done by a famous artist… and need I remind you once again to not forget about the ancient god theme?

Step 8. The chandeliers should really tie together the bed canopies and the wall coverings… but once again, I am sure you can rely on those French interior decorators to be too worried about you having them executed if they let you down for this to be a problem.

Step 9. It is permissible to leave some ceilings unpainted and free of gold, as long as they are carved from rare imported marble and each individual panel costs more than a whole city full of peasants could conceivably earn in 20 lifetimes, but only if this disgustingly plain ceiling is located in a huge stairwell in the very back of the big house.

Step 10. Leave a few walls uncovered… as long as they are also made entirely of rare, imported marble… just to mix things up a little… you know… just so you do not appear too ostentatious.

Step 11. Don’t skimp on the really big doors in your really big house.

Step 12. Make sure your famous painters throw in plenty of topless women… but only tastefully painted topless women done in the theme of the ancient gods… because you do not want your big house to appear tacky. This isn’t a trailer park.

Step 13. Make sure you throw in some paintings of you and your relatives riding horses. Rich people and kings always have lots of horses. Everybody loves horses. I know I do.

Step 14. Make sure you let the peasants stop by now and then to gawk at your big house and your awesome French interior decorating… what is the point of even having a big house if you can’t enjoy the look on the peasants’ faces when they see it?

Step 15. Yes, you will need a very large table… or 5… or 12… for entertaining your friends… but set aside one small table for you and your queen to eat at… so that you can enjoy having and endless train of servants bring in an endless stream of rare and expensive foods… including, hopefully, some roasted endangered species… which you can then take one small nibble of before having another endless stream of servants remove the items and throw them in the trash. Nothing will impress your friends like this kind of disgusting display of cruelty and waste. Don’t forget the most important part of this ritual: do not supply them with chairs! This way, they have to stand for hours watching you not eat all this food. Trust me. After a few months of this, they will know their places in the grand scheme of things!

Step 16. Don’t forget to have your servants make your bed every morning! Because you big house will be built in such a way that for anyone to get anywhere they have to pass through endless rooms… (this is done to ensure that every time anyone visits you, they are reminded of your wealth, taste and refinement)… people are going to be passing through all 42 of your bedrooms to get to your 23 ballrooms, 14 sitting rooms, 19 formal dining rooms, and all the other dressing rooms and viewing rooms and sun rooms and so on as they struggle to find the room that you summoned them to by royal decree. Yes, this layout makes living in the big house irksome, and a nightmare for the servants and guests, but seriously, how else are you supposed to remind people you are just like the freekin’ King of France?

Step 17. If there is any room left at all in your big house, you can get a few comfortable chairs. Obviously I mean comfortable chairs for you and your queen, not the guests. Never let your guests sit down… except on very rare occasions when you decide to use one of the many formal dining rooms in your big house to have an actual formal dinner… which should, ideally, consist of serving enough rare foods to depopulate a small country of all its plants and animals… while you hold court and thrill your guests with hours-long stories about how awesome and rich you are. (If you were wondering about the two small chairs on either side of the big chair in the picture above, such chairs are not for your guests. They are for the servants who are fanning you with big palm leaves… or for your small, obnoxious dogs… or just to be left vacant… seriously, what part of ‘putting the common people’… and this obviously includes your closest friends and relatives… ‘in their place’ did you not understand???)

Posted in My travels, Stories of my life, thinking about stuff | Tagged current-events, France, humor, king of france, paris, photography, rich people, style, travel, versailles | 18 Comments

Breaking news!!! Donald Trump makes boob of himself…

Posted on July 29, 2015 by pouringmyartout

Donald Trump again makes headlines when he goes on national TV and calls a female lawyer a “horrible person” because she wanted to take a break during a deposition to pump breast milk for her baby. I guess ‘the Donald’ has not been keeping abreast of the fact that women have to express milk so their breasts don’t explode. Ironically, Trump is the kind of boob that is never shy about expressing themselves, which is a good thing, because we don’t want his head to explode.

But seriously, this guy has enough stupid for two heads.

Posted in thinking about stuff | Tagged art, big boobs, boobs, cleavage, current-events, digital art, donald trump, humor, Photoshop, politics, social-media, trump | 10 Comments

Versailles… part 1… (or); There is a reason it it pronounced ‘ver-sigh’…

Posted on July 29, 2015 by pouringmyartout

Our second day in Paris and my wife, daughter and I took a day trip to Versailles… another stop on Mollie’s well-thought-out dream list.

I had never been to Versailles before… wait… wow… my nostrils are really uneven, aren’t they? I made the joke in the title because this place really is astoundingly, jaw-droppingly beautiful.

Of course that means that Mollie and I took a lot of pictures there… so prepare yourselves…

It is sort of hard to wrap your head around that place.

It is just pure, over-the-top, unadulterated excess…

If you see gold on something… even just the fence… you can bet it is real gold…

I mean, it isn’t solid gold… for the most part… but it is real gold covering the things that aren’t solid gold.

And this brings up another point, because as clever as my title is, the sheer beauty of the place isn’t the only thing about it that can make you sigh.

I can see how the starving peasants might have let out sighs of frustration and despair when they walked past these types of things on their way to a hard day of… not having anything to eat and slowly starving to death.

Even though Marie Antoinette never actually said; “Let them eat cake” the idea of living this lavish lifestyle while those around you toiled, starved and died in the filth and mud did sort of imply that very idea.

And this frustration slowly built up…

And the rage eventually boiled over…

And the people rose up and came to drag the rich people out of their golden palaces… (something to think about, all you ultra-wealthy individuals who are doing everything you can to buy elections and rig the system so that you get to keep more and more and less and less trickles down, because the poor people in this country are, thanks in large part to the same politicians you buy and pay for, very heavily armed… and it didn’t end well for the 1% during the French Revolution, oh no)…

Posted in My travels, Pictures of me, Stories of my life, thinking about stuff | Tagged current-events, France, french revolution, humor, paris, politics, revolution, style, travel, versailles | 12 Comments

Rollin’ on the river… (5 bonus points if you sang that in a really low voice)…

Posted on July 29, 2015 by pouringmyartout

Remember, kids, whenever you can get on a boat, get on a boat… especially when you are on vacation. It will put that smug smile on your face.

We finished off our first day in Paris by taking a cruise on the Seine. And we managed to time it just right to see the sunset, so that was awesome.

Boats, as I have said many times before, let you see things from new viewpoints.

See, isn’t that a nice view of the Museum d’Orsay? One of those big clocks is the one I posted a picture of me taking a picture through from the other side.

It is fun to use boats to cross bodies of water, but don’t forget that many cities are built around rivers for a reason. The river is a part of the history of that place. Getting to know the river helps you get to know the city and its people.

Besides, boats are just plain romantic.

For some strange reason, if you French-kiss someone on a boat at sunset under the Eiffel Tower, it sticks in your mind… and no… I am not posting that picture…

Also, river boats always seem to have knowledgeable people speaking on the loudspeakers telling you about the buildings you are looking at and the history of the city, so this helps you learn about where you are too.

For example, if I had just walked by that tiny building between those other two buildings without a guide, I would never have learned that it is supposedly the oldest building in Paris.

And you never know what will happen on a boat. We had three drunk guys on the river bank stand up and do a striptease as the boat passed them, while dancing to the Makerena… so… uh… yeah…. My wife thought it was funny, and so did my mom. Our 16-year-old, Mollie, was not as impressed.

Seeing things from new perspectives is just exciting.

Notre Dame, on its little island, is a part of the river.

And just look at her huge butt…resses… (Ha, oh man… I kill me)…

I think I actually thought of that joke as we were cruising by, which explains the smirk on my face…

So take a river cruise, people, and pass under some of the bridges you either have walked over or will be walking over. See the under side of some stuff, or the back side of some stuff. Heck, there are things on this planet that you can’t see unless you get on a boat… so get on one. Get on lots.

As we walked back to the hotel along the river bank the sun was still setting, and the thing is… and this is a cool thing… that once you have been on a boat on a river, you never look at that river the same way again… because you know that river better…

Picture yourself on a boat on a river… (10 bonus points if you sang that out loud, 50 if you know the whole first verse and kept on going)!

Posted in My travels, Pictures of me, Stories of my life, sunsets | Tagged boats, current-events, France, humor, music, notre dame, paris, photography, sunsets, travel | 40 Comments

Hey, terrorists, have you ever considered the fact that terrorism just doesn’t work?

Posted on July 28, 2015 by pouringmyartout

I was thinking about it, you know, like I do about stuff, and the thing is… and this is a pretty important thing, if you happen to be a terrorist… but terrorism is not only cruel and evil, it is also completely ineffective. Don’t take my word for it. You can Google it yourself. There is not one instance in all of history where a group achieved substantial long-term goals through the use of terror.

If women had tried to get the vote and achieve equality by hijacking aircraft, they would still be barefoot, pregnant and making a sandwich for some man in a kitchen somewhere. If African-Americans in America had tried to get better treatment by planting bombs in markets, there would still be white-only drinking fountains in the South. Gay people didn’t resort to going on shooting rampages or strapping explosive vests to themselves, and now they can get married.

No, you know what did work? Social change brought about by changing people’s minds. You peacefully demonstrate. You get your message out with catchy phrases and public relations campaigns. You use the media to explain why your goal is a good one.

The really sad and ironic part of all this is that some of the original terrorist groups had perfectly valid points they were trying to make. The Palestinian people did need a homeland. They did need a voice in the politics of Israel. They were being marginalized. People would have realized that eventually. But then the PLO got frustrated and decided to try to speed up the process with horrid acts of violence.

And now, these acts of terror have become the standard method of demanding the attention of the world. And it does work for that. You do get noticed when you perform acts of terror… but not in a way that makes people want to see your point of view.

Now you are all engaged in a competition to see who can outdo the other terrorist groups in the pure scale of the terror. Sooner or later, the rest of the people on the planet are going to get sick and tired of this nonsense and come to the conclusion that the only way to end this vicious cycle is to hunt you all down in your nests and exterminate you, no matter what the cost.

So why not break the cycle? Try something new. Spread your message with flowers… maybe try staging the biggest peaceful demonstration in history. Instead of setting off bombs, try setting up giant floral arrangements. Instead of initiating a massacre, try to see if you can paint the world’s biggest mural on the side of a mountain. Instead of shooting school girl’s in the head, why not try setting up more schools for them, or soup kitchens, or what-the-hell-ever.

What do you have to lose?

Oh, and one last thing. I am fully aware of the fact that you prefer to be called ‘freedom fighters’ rather than ‘terrorists’… but I can’t help noticing that the first thing you always do when you take over any territory at all is to establish a bunch of new rules for everybody else to follow, and you kill them if they don’t… so let’s be honest, you aren’t really interested in freedom for anybody but yourselves.

Posted in thinking about stuff | Tagged current-events, humor, politics, social-media, terror, terrorists | 29 Comments

Will I ever stop messing with that Eric Idle guy?

Posted on July 28, 2015 by pouringmyartout

Probably not… but you know, some days you eat the python…

…and some days the python eats you…

Posted in dogs and other animals, funny famous people pictures, My art | Tagged animals, art, current-events, digital art, eric idle, humor, monty python, Photoshop, reptiles, snakes, social-media | 12 Comments

The Art of war… part two…

Posted on July 28, 2015 by pouringmyartout

We now continue with my little adventure to the Musée de l’Armée in Paris. And, because of the silly way my head works, my favorite part of that side trip was the free paper Napoleon hat I got at the museum. They were really just for the kids, but I told the nice lady I was bringing it home to a little one. As soon as I got back to the hotel, I did a selfie. It doesn’t fit me very well, but I still have it… and I still love it.

But the museum was not all funny paper hats. There was a lot of interesting stuff in there. I can’t share all of it with you…

But maybe just a few random pictures will not bore you.

I must admit that the uniforms from the Napoleonic wars were one of the best parts of the museum.

They really knew how to make a uniform in those days.

It was the era of marching into battle in long, straight lines, wearing bright colors and waving flags.

These outfits would look great on a parade ground…

And all that gold braid might impress the ladies back home…

But gold braid won’t stop a bullet or a cannon ball.

And even that metal cuirass… (those small, metal breastplates gave the name to the Cuirassiers, which became the generic name for all cavalry from that era that wore them)… did not stop bullets either. Windsor Castle in England is full of those breastplates, taken from the dead cavalry troopers after their fateful charge at the battle of Waterloo.

That is the uniform of Napoleon’s Old Guard… or maybe the Imperial Guard… his most fearsome infantry troops. Napoleon would send them forward at the crucial moment of battle to drive home the victory or swing the battle back in his favor. They never lost, never quit during a charge… right up until Waterloo.

There is Napoleon’s hat, coat, campaign tent, and other memorabilia. I thought that was pretty awesome.

But not as awesome as making my mom put on the paper hat…

Oh, yeah!

Posted in My travels, Pictures of me, Stories of my life | Tagged fashion, France, hats, history, humor, napoleon, paris, photography, style, uniforms, war, waterloo | 12 Comments

The Art of war… part 1…

Posted on July 28, 2015 by pouringmyartout

See, it’s a clever title, because I went to a military museum in Paris… and my name is Arthur, so you could conceivably call me Art… although I wish you wouldn’t… and also there was a book called ‘The Art of War’ written by a Chinese guy named Sun Tzu… so… uh… yeah…

After our lovely morning at the art museum, my wife and Mollie decided to go to the Louvre. My mom decided to take a nap. I have been to the Louvre. I have seen the Mona Lisa. And we had just spent hours looking at paintings and statues… so I decided to walk over and visit L’Hôtel national des Invalides (literally; the National residence of the invalids, because it began as a home for old and unwell veterans) which now contains the Musée de l’Armée or; the museum of the army.

I suppose most of you know I study history in general and military history in particular as a hobby. I did a post about why it interests me, and it isn’t a fascination with violence, just so you know.

I really had a good time.

And even the walk over there was an adventure.

The museum contains a lot of stuff, like these Napoleonic guns.

Did you know that Napoleon started off as an officer in the artillery branch of the French army? He knew how to use his big guns.

They also had some World War One era trench mortars.

And there were some tanks parked right outside the back door.

You know…

In case you are interested in that kind of thing.

Posted in My travels, Stories of my life | Tagged cannon, current-events, France, history, humor, military history, museum, paris, photography, tanks, travel | 29 Comments

Paris… part 4… (or); Art on art…

Posted on July 27, 2015 by pouringmyartout

You might remember from the last post that I mentioned our hotel was just yards away from a big art museum.

Well, it was full of famous works of art by famous artists…

But this isn’t a blog about them… it is a blog about me… and my art… and my life… and my adventures…

So you get to see a picture of me with my mom looking all happy after taking her son, daughter-in-law and granddaughter to a museum.

For some reason, the big metal rhino in front of the museum was her favorite part.

On the top floor, I found the place behind the giant clock that you could look through, and stopped to take a picture… which my daughter took a picture of me doing.

I then went out on the balcony and took that picture of the Sacre Coeur in the distance… we will be seeing it closer later on…

While out on the balcony I also took that picture of the Seine and the Louvre in the background.

One cool thing in the Musée d’Orsay was this glass floor under which was a model of the streets of Paris. If you like glass floors, wait until you see the posts about the Eiffel Tower coming up.