Best spam of the day…

Likewise, according to tradition in Shanghai, egg-skin dumplings (danjiao) resemble gold
ingots and cellophane noodles appear like silver chains.

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Seemed like a good idea at the time… I guess…

a 52I used the mutant making machine to give myself a nose job. Maybe I thought it would help me to not forget things… but now I can’t remember if that was why I did it or not. What I do know is this; If you hear me getting ready to sneeze… run… and don’t look back.

Oh, and it is sort of cool. I can walk around under water, and if I stick it straight up, it works as a snorkel. And it is fun to lay in the backyard on hot days pretending I am a sprinkler.

Now, give me a peanut.

Posted in My art, Pictures of me, thinking about stuff | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Those moments when you realize that your kids are growing up… and so are you…

If you are a parent, you have those moments when it suddenly strikes you that your kids are growing up… like that moment when your 16-year-old daughter casually mentions that this common household object…

IMG_4507…looks like a uterus…

a 28I hadn’t even had my coffee yet, for cryin’ out loud… And still, I don’t think that this shocked me as much as the time I suddenly realized that I was growing up… back when the kids were still little and we were watching a Disney movie, and it hit me… like a kick in the groin… that I wasn’t the handsome prince in my own fairy tale anymore… no… I was heading rapidly towards becoming this guy…

a 22

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Some of my ideas are good… (or); Yes, I am smarter than little children…

Back when Mollie was still in elementary school, I used to show up early to pick her up because traffic was so bad. This meant that I spent fifteen or twenty minutes just hanging around and waiting. I did not spend the time chatting about which Starbucks coffee went with which pastry with the other adults, because frankly adults bore me. I just played with the little kids waiting for their older siblings to get out of school.

Often this involved the classic game of tag. I am a large man… (I mean tall, just so you know)… and I have never been much of a runner. The little kids quickly picked up on this weakness, and came up with a strategy that involved darting in, tagging me, shouting ‘you’re it’, and darting off before I could tag them back. This soon began to get on my nerves.

So I went home that day and formulated a strategy of my own. I got a rubber glove, stuffed it with rolled up paper towels, and tied the wrist closed, leaving a long piece of string dangling from it. The next day, I waited patiently to put my plan into action.

A little boy zoomed in, sensing an easy victory. He tagged me fair and square. As soon as he began running away, I pulled my new secret weapon out of my pocket and tossed it at him. As soon as the glove hit him in the back, I yelled, “You’re it,” and then I reeled the glove back in with its long tether.

If you can’t join them, beat them.

Posted in Stories of my life, thinking about stuff | Tagged , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Are either or both of these characters lesbians, and if so, how will that destroy the sanctity of mariage, undermine our society, and make god so angry that he causes global warming to destroy the world… and please answer in the form of an essay…

a 30

***WARNING***

This is a test, and the answer you give might very well permanently alter the way I think of you.

***NO CHEATING***

I will give the correct answers… the only correct answers… at the bottom of the page after I place a row of little stars… (*)… DO NOT SKIP AHEAD AND READ THE ANSWERS!!!

The crack squirrels will be watching!

Now, go type your answer in the comment box…

HEY!

I said NO CHEATING!

**************************************************

Here are the answers that I will accept… (obviously, the wording might not be exactly the same as what I seriously hope you typed, but the spirit damn well better be)…

  1. WTF? They are cartoon characters, what possible difference can their sexual orientation make?
  2. Even though they are just cartoon characters, we still have no right to judge them for their sexual orientation.
  3. Who cares, and my god is a loving and accepting all-powerful deity, and has room in his/her heart for all his/her children.
  4. Who gives a crap, and I don’t believe in god, because he makes people hate the very gay people he supposedly created.
  5. I hope they both are… they make a lovely couple… I hope they move in next door to me!
  6. Uh, I’m pretty sure that what is destroying the ‘sanctity’ of marriage is all the cheaters and abusers who are married.
  7. While I admit that lesbians do have something to do with global warming… or climate change… or whatever… so do the rest of us… when you get right down to it.
  8. I thought Dick Cheney undermined our society when he institutionalized torture… Dick Cheney isn’t a lesbian, is he?
  9. Hey, I am a lesbian… and this is NOT funny!!!
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Here it is… the finished cover for my new novel…

finished cover copyI hope it works… I hope it fits on the book and everything lines up like it is supposed to… I will order the first copy soon, and in a week or two, I will let you know… and show you a photo of me with my new baby!

Posted in My art, Stories of my life | Tagged , , , , , , , | 17 Comments

Please read this now!

No, this isn’t another cynical, shameless post to try to lure new bloggers to my blog, I really need some help. I just found out that my daughter has finished formatting my newest novel… the murder mystery set in World War Two London… and it is ready to be sent in to the publisher.

You may recall that I am going to attempt to do my very first cover design, including not only the artwork, but the whole layout, all by myself for the very first time… not bad for a computer moron. So far, her boyfriend has been doing this part for me, just like she does all the technical stuff to get the books ready for print.

Here is the part I need you to read… the little blurb that goes on the back cover…

**********

Detective Inspector Charlie Baker has to figure out who murdered a young flight lieutenant- and why. It might have something to do with the fact that the victim’s father is Major General Sir Edward Crowley, an important member of the Imperial General Staff. Charlie turns to the network of London cabbies- amongst them his uncle- to get the information he so badly needs.

Under pressure to solve the case as the war continues to rage, Charlie has to unravel the mystery, even as the General and his family remain under threat. And the fact that he’s fairly certain that he’s falling in love with the General’s daughter isn’t making his job any easier!

**********

Any glaring errors?  Like, does that comma really need to be in the second-to-last sentence… between ‘mystery’ and ‘even’? It will take me a few hours to finish the cover work. I have to precisely center everything, and it is tricky. So let me know if this looks good, and I will post the whole cover layout when I am done.

Thanks.

Posted in fiction | Tagged , , , , | 18 Comments

You can now read the new novel I am writing as I write it… all in one place… thanks to some technical support…

There is a new button on my top bar header thingy… right up there… that thin, black strip just below my enormous… (and 0h-so-cool)… sunglasses. It is on the far right, and says; ‘The Seven Kingdoms’.

If you click on it, it will allow you to read that princess novel… the one where the princesses don’t wait around to be rescued by princes because they don’t need any help… all in one place instead of having to search through all the other posts, and you can watch as it grows, and give me advice and support and ideas and even play the; ‘spot the stupid spelling and grammar mistakes and why the heck doesn’t this guy have an editor?’ game!

I would like to thank my little sister up in Canada… okay, she isn’t really my little sister, but if I had one, I would like her to be like her… Gibber!!!… who… sniff… is taking a break from her own blog, so I miss her horribly… Thanks, sis, for the tech support!

Please click the button she set up for me now and then. I mean, as I write the chapters you can just read them as I post them as regular posts if you want to, but whatever… let’s take the princesses back from the Disney corporation and free them from the bondage of fairy tales and stereotypes!

Posted in fiction, stuff about blogging | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

British tabloids are mean!!!

a 36They are even worse than the American ones!

A 26Nobody would believe this tripe, would they?

A 25That’s not even good Photoshop work… heck, I could do better than that.

A 27Okay, well, that one might be true…

Posted in funny famous people pictures, My art, thinking about stuff | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

I am going to ask you for technical help… so feel free to leave me on hold for a few hours… and then be really condescending… or maybe talk with an Indian accent…

So… how do I remove one of the menu buttons from my top bar thing? I tried doing it by myself, and it didn’t work. I don’t want to mess anything else up, but that Heirloom story is no longer being written at the moment… although I might start it up again with my head minion, Trent, when he gets less busy, because I still think the idea of writing a novel with two authors taking turns doing every other chapter is a cool idea… but I could put the princess novel up there for now so people can read it all in one place… or I might start posting a novel I started writing way back when I was a teenager about a post apocalyptic world full of crazed bikers… (and this is before the Mad Max movies came out, just so you know, and it also has science fiction elements and takes place in three distinct times and has Apaches and special forces and an alien space ship and, well, we can get to that later)…

Any advice?

Posted in stuff about blogging | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 60 Comments