A little peek inside my head…

I suppose I could have called this post an exploration into my writing process, but I like that title better. If it doesn’t make you a little nervous, you haven’t gotten to know me very well.

But worry not, brave explorers! This will just be a fun little trip into the shallow regions of the gray matter lodged inside my oddly shaped cranium. I may have mentioned that when I was writing my novel, I never thought ahead to figure out what was going to happen next. I wanted my hero to have to come up with the answers of how to get out of sticky situations as they came up. It was just a trick I used to keep it interesting for me and him.

Whenever the action slowed down, or I needed to add some humor, or drama or whatever, I would throw in a new alien. Creating new aliens is a lot of fun, but it is challenging. There are so many aliens in movies and TV that coming up with something new is almost impossible. You have all gotten to know the aliens from the first book fairly well. I have been doing enough silly pictures of them, and they are all up there in the button in the header bar called ‘pictures of aliens from my novel’.

When I was creating a new alien, I would first get a mental image of what they looked like. Then I would draw a rough sketch. Beside the sketch I would make little notes about how they behaved, their goals, their history, and most importantly, how they talked. Sometimes I pretended to be them, and tried talking in funny accents until I got a feel for their personalities. You might, in the upcoming books, notice that some of the characters speak like Boris and Natasha, or maybe Borat. Hey, it worked for me.

All these tricks helped the aliens come alive. They weren’t just bit players in the story, they all had real lives. Here is a sketch I did of a guy named Rubar. He is a Reaver, and his planet exports mercenaries…

a book reaverOur hero ends up getting into an unarmed-combat duel to the death with him. And the odds are not looking good.

Here is a little fellow from a race that tries to invade our dimension from another reality. They are not much larger than a football and not very bright, but they managed to enslave entire dimensions, and we are next on the list. They are called the Keelar…

a book KeelarOh, our hero has his hands full leading an armada of allied ships to try to stop this menace, and yet it still ends up being more than a little funny. How do I even do that?

Here is a nice lady named Fawnya who looks a little like a Pterodactyl, and speaks like a Jewish mother. She just wants you to eat your soup!

a book fawnyaYou can see that I didn’t try too hard on that one. I even drew it on lined paper. Maybe later today I will play with that in Photoshop and see if I can clean it up a little.

I did one sketch for a character that I never got around to using. Maybe he will show up in book five as I write it. Who knows? Like I said, I don’t plan these things out.

a book 1 alien

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Alien rock band…

Ever since my band played its first gig the other night, I have been wondering what it would look like if some of the characters from my book started a band…

Rock on, you crazy aliens…

a alien band

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I admit it…

I am reduced to begging… Please buy my book. I don’t even care if you read it. If you get the paperback copy, you can use it to even up a short table leg, or as a ruler. You can even use it as an emergency toilet paper roll in your camping stuff.

We are all writers. And if you can make my dream of becoming a succesful author come true, that means that the self-publishing route works and we can all be famous and have our stories made into movies starring Brad Pitt. Or at least be paid to use our imaginations. And how cool would that be?

If you have read it, please go back to where you got it and do a review so people know that it is funny.

a book cover

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Ummm, I don’t want to cause a panic or anything, but…

There is an alien invasion fleet on the way to Earth, and the only way you can stop it is to buy my novel…

a 1Because all the answers are in there… or in the upcoming sequels… Hey, I’m just sayin’… It’s your planet.

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OMGIAAPA!!!

(Oh my gosh I am a professional author)…

a 1

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Old guys rockin’…

So our band played its first gig last night. Not a paying gig, it was a party at the drummer’s house. And man, I had a lot of fun…

a 8 1I wore my cool hat and everything. We played in front of an enthusiastic crowd… not a huge crowd, but still…

a 8 2In fairness, a lot of people were outside the garage… and in the house and the backyard. And they were way more enthusiastic than this picture might lead you to believe.

Here is a picture where you can actually see Lance the drummer…

a 8 3Well, you can see part of his head. He has a really nice house where we hold the practice sessions in the garage. You wouldn’t believe how hot it gets in there in the summer. Our lead guitar player decided to flake on us at the last minute. In fact, he might not be coming back. We did have a stand in for one song. He was awesome….

a 8 4I never even learned his name. I was so busy freaking out that I didn’t have a lot of time to meet people at the party. I was worried because the guests for our first gig, besides our families and a few friends, were a bunch of local musicians that Lance knows. Playing in front of musicians when you haven’t played in front of people since the 1970’s is a little intimidating. Some of these people are in bands that have actually sold albums… or CD’s… or whatever you call it now. In fact, there were people there whose songs we play. Talk about stress. But we did okay.

And we had this professional light show setup…

a 8 5Oh yeah… Christmas lights, a little light ball thingy, a small strobe light… all that was missing was a lava lamp and some black lights. Without a lead guitar, my brother Henry filled in with some pretty hot licks. Which meant that I had to carry a lot more of the rhythm guitar. But we pulled it off. Henry, you rock!

a 8 6Look at him over there by the fridge, being all cool. I want to thank my daughter Mollie for taking these pictures. There you can see my new-used Christmas guitar, an Ovation with a built-in pickup. Thanks again to my lovely wife for that.

Our band still doesn’t have a name because the drummer is holding out for a name that none of the rest of us want. It is getting a little silly. We do a lot of songs from a lot of different eras. I guess if anybody is interested, I could tell you which songs we do. But I am most proud of the fact that we do some of my originals and some of Henry’s originals. I am hoping to get the video my wife took with her cell phone of us doing one of my songs up in a post, but I might not be smart enough to do that, and who knows what the quality will be like. But I had a great time doing my songs, and people seemed to like them…

a 8 7So all in all, I think it went well, and I felt a little like a rock star…

a 8 8

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Buy my book…

… or so help me, I will shoot this alien!

a alien hostage 3

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Buy my book, or the alien blows my head off…

Help, I am being held hostage on an alien space station by a Wasp Whip space pirate. He says if you don’t buy my book, he is going to kill me…

a 1 aHey, look at that. He already bought a copy. So you know he means business, because he knows how funny the novel is. Fortunately for me, you can find out how to order the book for a very reasonable price on e-readers or in paperback by just moving your eyes to the right a little. See? It’s all right there in the sidebar.

So come on. You aren’t really going to let me die just to save $2,99 are you?

Wait… what? Hold on, the pirate is trying to tell me something…

Oh… okay… He says that the picture of him is lame. There should be some sort of space background to prove that we are really on an alien space station and not just some cheap Photoshop trick… Hold on… I’m working on it…

How about this?

a 1 a copyHe says that’s much better, and he will let me live for a little while longer… but don’t piss him off… buy the book. The life you save may be my own…

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Why does everybody always say I make everything about me?

a head 1 copy

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Why my novel is better than the best sex you ever had…

A novel, like sex, is a two person enterprise. You need an author and a reader, and done right it should leave both people exhausted and happy. And like sex, I end up doing most of the work…

Bear with me. Let me sweet-talk you a little and you just might find that you not only end up as a willing participant in this endeavor, you may discover yourself eager to join in. I am going to compare the experience of buying my novel with that of making sweet, sweet love.

Oh, I can hear your shock and outrage. I hear you proclaiming that you do not buy sex. Trust me when I tell you that you have never had sex that you didn’t end up paying for in one way or another. Maybe it was just gas for your car, a bottle of wine, some flowers or a movie. Maybe it was dinner or a new shirt. Or perhaps that box of ribbed condoms you stopped to purchase on the way. If you were in too much of a hurry to stop for those, you might soon be paying college tuition for your kid. So get over it. Sex is never free. And it isn’t always that good either.

So that is why I think that I can make the case that buying my book, which costs less than that box of condoms if you get the e-reader version by the way, is at least as good as sex. And I guarantee that you will not catch any diseases from reading it.

To make my point, I am going to compare these two experiences side by side, using black letters for the book part and red letters for the sex part.

Okay, here we go…

——————————

That person you are interested in spent their whole life since puberty preparing to please you, working on their night-moves, so to speak.

I spent my whole life since before puberty having adventures and learning how to dance with words, and I am old, so that is a lot of preparation.

Your little love toy spent perhaps an hour or two at most getting ready for your big romantic evening.

It took me four years to write the four parts of this novel that are finished. So even if you just buy the first part, that is a year of work that went into ensuring your pleasure.

Even the best sex rarely lasts more than a few hours.

It should take you at least twice that long to finish the book, even if you are a really fast reader. But go slow. I want it to be good for you too.

Sometimes that person that you just shared that special intimacy with leaves and then never calls you again.

The next three parts of the novel are already finished, and there are more on the way after that. They will just keep coming and coming. And they will not leave you alone when you are done either. You can keep it forever and snuggle with it every night.

Sex is messy and sweaty.

Reading stimulates the body and mind without all the mess and sweat.

———————————

On top of these points, my novel is funny, and we all know that humor is sexy. And it will take you on an adventure full of excitement and thrills even while you are laughing. If you find a person who can do all that, you better marry them.

My novel will not put naked pictures of you on the internet or spread vicious rumors about you. There is no guilt or shame or remorse. It doesn’t ask for a commitment that you aren’t ready for. And if you want to loan it to other people, go right ahead. We don’t mind a little book swapping. We are very open-minded.

There is one way that buying my novel is not at all like sex. And here it is;

If you were disappointed, if you thought it was just plain bad, I want to hear about it. Come over to my blog anytime and tell me where you think I went wrong.

a book coverOh yeah, baby, lookin’ good…

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