So, I have this idea for a new book for children…

It is about a blacksmith. The king wants to invade the kingdom next door, so he goes to the blacksmith and tells him to make swords.

When the king comes back, the blacksmith has made a bunch of small knives. The king is mad and asks why. The blacksmith says they are knives for the people to eat their food with.

The king tells the blacksmith to make spears. The blacksmith makes pitchforks to reap wheat to make bread.

The king tells him to make shields. He makes dinner plates.

The king tells him to make helmets. He make flower pots.

The king is furious. He tells the blacksmith to make some leg irons… chains that he himself will be wearing in the dungeon… and to bring them to the town square the next day.

The blacksmith shows up with a tiny silver chain with a small silver circle at each end. The king points out that they are too small. The blacksmith replies that they are the perfect size and then calls his lady love over, and asks her to marry him, slipping one ring on her finger and one on his own.

The towns people are so happy the king realizes that he can’t punish the blacksmith, but instead makes him the metal smith to the Royal family, because the craftsmanship of the rings and chain are so fine.

*****

The thing is… hello, ‘thing’, how the heck are you?… that I don’t know if I should do this as an illustrated book for little kids or a short story or what. It would be an interesting challenge to do some watercolors of a blacksmith and his shop.

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Well, I don’t usually give advice to the Commander in Chief and the Joint Chiefs of Staff… but here’s an idea…

Instead of dropping bombs on these ISIS guys… or ISIL… is it ISIL now??? Isn’t that one of the kids in The Sound Of Music movie???… but, why don’t we try dropping Big Macs on them instead?

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I know, it sounds like a crazy idea at first… most of my ideas seem crazy at first, and it isn’t until later, after much careful reflection, that you realize that only some of them are crazy, but others are actually a rare type of brilliant… and no, it isn’t my job to figure out which is which… that’s what you are all here for.

But think about it. Dropping burgers on people will make them much less angry than dropping bombs on them. It could even be considered a humanitarian gesture.

The thing is… and this a pretty good thing, even for one of my things…  that these are McDonald’s Big Macs… and they are just as deadly as any bomb… it just takes longer for the death to occur.

And in the meantime, the ISIS terrorists will be too fat and lazy from chomping down those fat-laden, cholesterol-filled meat bombs… especially in that desert heat… to do much serious fighting. And particularly if we drop some of that new-fangled, legal-in-some-states medical/recreational marijuana with the Big Macs…. and some fries and huge drinks.

I’m just saying that there is more than one way to fight a war, and my way is cheaper… and slightly less morally repugnant.

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Damn, my spam is the spammiest! (Or); Let’s analyze some more spam…

I don’t know if I want to make this a regular thing… but I do get some pretty freakin’ awesome spam… and since I can’t… or won’t… reply to them directly, I might as well at least acknowledge them here…

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Me; Really? Your website is in the exact same area of interest as mine??? Your users would genuinely benefit? Because you sent this to a post I did called: ‘Unicorns vomit rainbows… in your dreams…’

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If blogging was the same as playing Risk, I would be kicking butt!!!

a 1I mean, I know that I make jokes about taking over the world, but in a way, I sort of really am… Now, come on, Greenland, give me some love!!!

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Well, I thought I had that new novel I am writing all mapped out in my head… (or); A writer’s conundrum…

So, you know the novel I am working on now… the one called: The Seven Kingdoms… the one I showed you pictures of the piles of notes and plot lines and character description sheets and maps with the little arrows on them showing the movements of all the main characters for… (something I never tried doing before, frankly, because I am much more of a just-get-your-characters-into interesting-situations-and-then-figure-out-a-way-to-get-them-back-out kind of a writer)… the novel that you can find the first two chapters of if you click that button up in the top bar, the one also cleverly titled; The Seven Kingdoms…???  Yes, the novel where I intend to take the princesses back from the Disney corporation and fairy tales… that’s the one! You have been paying attention!

Well I am almost done with chapter three, and I have moved my first two princesses along to the third stop on their epic journey, with lots of interesting dialog and clever plot points and all that. The thing is… and this is the ‘thing’ that explains the ‘conundrum’ part of my title… but I needed a way to get the two princesses to the next island kingdom, to introduce yet another princess to add to my gang of kick-ass, I-ain’t-waiting-around-for-some-prince-to-save-my-butt princesses… and I decided to throw in a couple of new characters on the fly, so to speak.

These young men are brothers, both poor fishermen, that used to play with the princesses when they were all children… (this is a very unpretentious society we are talking about here, on my little make-believe world I created for this story)… and having them be fishermen gave me a convenient boat to cross the water in… but here is my dilemma:

Do I sent the two boys back home, and then reintroduce them later, or do I let them stay with the princesses?

Yes, keeping them with the princesses allows me to develop a slew of romantic entanglements and opens up chances for dialogs about male/female relationships, and the princesses are eventually going to need to raise an army to fight the bad kingdom.

On the other hand, it might change the original story dynamics in unforeseen ways. Also, since they sort of borrowed their father’s boat without asking permission, and both the boat and the boys themselves are sort of needed at home to help keep their family alive, it would sort of make them look like assholes if they keep the boat and don’t return…

Wait a minute… what if they send the boat back, along with a note saying not to worry, but, while they can’t yet explain what they are doing, they will return as soon as they are able… ooooh… and what if, perhaps, the princesses send along a little money to help tide… (ha, good fisherman pun)… the family over?

That way, the ‘seed’, if you will, of the resistance movement is planted, I keep the opportunities for romance and dialog open, and I have two trained sailors who can eventually become admirals in the resistance fleet. The boys can be loyal sidekicks in the Sam Gamgee sense, or develop into main characters.

Or, conversely, I can just kill the boys off if they start to get in the way of my original plot… oh yeah… I can do that… I am a freekin’ writer!

Hey, thanks for letting me talk through all this with you. That was very helpful.

You are such a good listener.

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An open letter to ISIS… or, as I like to think of you, and all due respect to George Clooney here, the men who sleep with goats…

Dear ISIS, you petulant, spoiled, obnoxious little baby-men…

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Islam was once renowned for its tolerance of other religions and open-mindedness, as well the beauty of its architecture, its culture and its interest in education and learning. So what the hell happened to you guys? Why do fundamentalists always think their god is going to give them extra bonus points for blind exuberance and mindlessly getting carried away?

Yes, you are supposed to convert the infidel… with words. Your religion asks you to be thoughtful and contemplate the wisdom of its message. It asks you to convince others of the truth of these messages. Converting people is the challenge. If you kill them, you lose your chance to do that. You are lazy and stupid and you are taking the cowards way out. Because it might take living side by side with unbelievers for decades, and engaging them in conversation, and listening to their viewpoints, and expressing the value of the words you say you believe in.

But you can’t do that because you aren’t that bright. Why? Because you now reject the very education that Islam was once famous for. And you are impatient… which indicates that you do not have enough faith in your faith to win a war of ideas and words. You see the irony here, right? Well, probably not, which is a shame.

Somewhere along the line, you decided to listen to the holy men who preach a religion of hatred and violence. But there are other holy men out there that are telling you to spread the word by other means. You made a choice. It is the wrong choice. Someday you will meet your god, and he will gaze upon you with pity and sorrow, and you will know that you let him down. When there is a moral choice to be made between violence and peace, and you choose violence, it says more about your character than it does about your religion. It shows that you are unable to see the words of love and joy and sharing and caring and see only the words that feed your hatred and small-mindedness. When there is a choice between peace and violence, it is better not to do anything that is irrevocable. When you stand before your god, it is better to have to explain that you may not have converted many infidels, but that you were a man of peace and did all you could to spread his words, than to explain why you thought cutting the heads off unarmed, non combatant prisoners, or blowing up school children seemed like such a good idea at the time.

I hope you do get your virgins in paradise. I hope they are all the victims of your violence during this life, and in the next life, they are the ones with the power and the strength. The sad truth, from my perspective, is that they are probably all better people than you, and will decide not to extract their revenge. If this is the case, my next most fervent wish is that you all live for eternity feeling the shame of what you did in the name of your god, and know forever that in your zeal and thoughtlessness, you caused him anguish.

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An open letter to all Extremists…

I know you have been taught all your life by your teachers and holy men that you are right and everyone who disagrees with you is wrong. However, believing you are right is not the same thing as being right.

I can see how in the early days of trying to prove how right you are, your frustration and anger at not being listened to led you to act out in some crazy ways. Hijacking airplanes or blowing up abortion clinics, protesting at soldier’s funerals or screaming that gay people are going to hell, it certainly did get you noticed. Again I feel the need to point out that being noticed is not the same thing as being listened to.

Yes, people are now aware of your point of view. Some of them may even agree with you, or at least feel that you have some valid concerns.

So perhaps now is the time to try taking your viewpoint in a new direction. When you put a bomb in a building or shoot a school girl in the head because she thinks girls should be able to get an education, you are just not getting the whole idea of a public relations campaign. If you want to get your message across might I suggest wristbands or perhaps ribbons of a certain color. Maybe some billboards. Or better yet, try a commercial with puppies. And make sure it is narrated by Morgan Freeman. People love that guy.

My only other suggestion is that if your god is telling you to blow people up or shoot school girls, maybe you are not listening to him closely enough. Which is ironic when you think about it, because your major complaint is that no one is listening to you closely enough. Just something to think about.

*****

Another old post… because I don’t know whether to laugh or cry… and I want to try the laughing thing first…

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Dear religious and political fundamentalists… and I mean all of you…

Have you ever considered the actual definition of what fundamentalism really means? It means you haven’t given any deep thought to your religion or politics. It literally means that you are still stomping around in the shallow, wading end of the pool and have been too terrified to venture out into the deep waters. It means that you got so hung up on the most basic principles of what you believe that you have never bothered to expand the horizons of your mental awareness.

Here is the actual definition of the word ‘fundamental’;

fun·da·men·tal
ˌfəndəˈmen(t)əl/
adjective
adjective: fundamental
  1. 1.
    forming a necessary base or core; of central importance.
    so basic as to be hard to alter, resolve, or overcome.
    “the theories are based on a fundamental error”
noun
noun: fundamental; plural noun: fundamentals
  1. 1.
    a central or primary rule or principle on which something is based.
    “two courses cover the fundamentals of microbiology”
    synonyms: basics, essentials, rudiments, foundations, basic principles, first principles, preliminaries;

Are you really proud of the fact that you have never advanced past the first grade? That you stalled in the doorway of what lies before you. You stopped at the beginning of the path to gaze up at the mountains in front of you and decided that was enough for you.

I am asking you to follow the path. Climb the freakin’ mountains. Use the fundamental bits of learning that you are clinging to like some kind of life raft to float you down the river of enlightenment. Better yet, combine the bits of fundamental wisdom into new shapes and structures. Don’t get fixated on the ‘thou shalt nots’ and the catch phrases. Don’t get stuck in the  worn out ruts of the plodding non-thinkers. Forge your own way. Look for the messages of love and acceptance in what you believe. They are there. And there are far more of them than the are words of hate and bigotry.

In the end, your religious and political leaders or your gods or at the very least your grandchildren and their children are going to judge you for who your persecuted and are going to admire you for who you accepted. If the people around you are caught in the swamp of fundamentalism, step boldly past them and strike out on your own.

You are smarter than that.

*****

Another old post… because I fight my wars with words, not bombs and bullets…

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Well, I don’t usually give advice to terrorist extremists… but here’s an idea…

Why don’t we try something new… you know… just for a change… and not blow people up… or shoot them… or behead them. As I understand it, your goal is to get people to follow your religion. I am not expert, but it does sort of seem that killing people is a silly way to go about this. The people you kill can’t very well convert to your belief system, can they? And when other people see you killing innocent people just to make a point, it makes them nervous. This is just a bad public relations campaign all the way around.

So maybe you can try something new… just for a while… just to mix it up a little… just to see if maybe you really can get more people to listen to you without having to kill them.

What about this… try going door to door selling cookies…

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I might have just suggested going door to door to spread the word of your faith, but that would make you too much like those other religious nuts who do that… and everybody hates those people. If, on the other hand, you sell them some tasty cookies at the same time, it will put them in the mood to listen. Maybe you could include little pamphlets in each box of cookies explaining to people why yours is the only one true god… it might work.

I suppose you could also try bake sales… or opening soup kitchens or medical clinics for the poor. Or almost anything that doesn’t involve killing people. What do you say?

———————-

*** Dear NSA agent who is reading this… I swear this is just a joke, and I am in no way trying to actually be useful to any terrorist movement… although really, if they did take this advice, would that be such a bad thing?***

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Hey, terrorists, have you ever considered the fact that terrorism just doesn’t work?

I was thinking about it, you know, like I do about stuff, and the thing is… and this is a pretty important thing, if you happen to be a terrorist… but terrorism is not only cruel and evil, it is also completely ineffective. Don’t take my word for it. You can Google it yourself. There is not one instance in all of history where a group achieved substantial long-term goals through the use of terror.

If women had tried to get the vote and achieve equality by hijacking aircraft, they would still be barefoot, pregnant and making a sandwich for some man in a kitchen somewhere. If African-Americans in America had tried to get better treatment by planting bombs in markets, there would still be white-only drinking fountains in the South. Gay people didn’t resort to going on shooting rampages or strapping explosive vests to themselves, and now they can get married.

No, you know what did work? Social change brought about by changing people’s minds. You peacefully demonstrate. You get your message out with catchy phrases and public relations campaigns. You use the media to explain why your goal is a good one.

The really sad and ironic part of all this is that some of the original terrorist groups had perfectly valid points they were trying to make. The Palestinian people did need a homeland. They did need a voice in the politics of Israel. They were being marginalized. People would have realized that eventually. But then the PLO got frustrated and decided to try to speed up the process with horrid acts of violence.

And now, these acts of terror have become the standard method of demanding the attention of the world. And it does work for that. You do get noticed when you perform acts of terror… but not in a way that makes people want to see your point of view.

Now you are all engaged in a competition to see who can outdo the other terrorist groups in the pure scale of the terror. Sooner or later, the rest of the people on the planet are going to get sick and tired of this nonsense and come to the conclusion that the only way to end this vicious cycle is to hunt you all down in your nests and exterminate you, no matter what the cost.

So why not break the cycle? Try something new. Spread your message with flowers… maybe try staging the biggest peaceful demonstration in history. Instead of setting off bombs, try setting up giant floral arrangements. Instead of initiating a massacre, try to see if you can paint the world’s biggest mural on the side of a mountain. Instead of shooting school girl’s in the head, why not try setting up more schools for them, or soup kitchens, or what-the-hell-ever.

What do you have to lose?

Oh, and one last thing. I am fully aware of the fact that you prefer to be called ‘freedom fighters’ rather than ‘terrorists’… but I can’t help noticing that the first thing you always do when you take over any territory at all is to establish a bunch of new rules for everybody else to follow, and you kill them if they don’t… so let’s be honest, you aren’t really interested in freedom for anybody but yourselves.

*****

Another old post… ironically, I think this is the one that all my spam has been aimed at lately… what’s up with that, WordPress?

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