The me tiki… part 3…

Well, I am still working on the tiki that is supposed to end up looking like me…

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I have to admit, I am a little bummed out.

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It does cheer me up that my dog, Shiloh, hangs out with me while I am carving…

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But, to be honest, I am, it turns out, better at carving weird tikis than carving an actual face. I seem to be off center… my nose ended up too far to the left, somehow. Also, I undercut the nose too far, using a saw to speed things up. Now, I might need to shave the whole thing down an extra half inch… and maybe cut a few inches off the whole right side… but, a large part of art is to just keep going, try to fix it, or turn it into something else.

So I’m not giving up yet.

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Tiki with a twist… the final chapter…

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There… now you can look at some more of the tikis I have carved, without having to use the search button. I mean, you aren’t seeing all of them, but it is easier… It wasn’t easier for me, just so you know… but that is how much I care.

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Tiki with a twist… part 2…

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Okay, well, that last one was just fun to do… so I did this one… because I have crack squirrels in my head…

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Tiki… with a twist…

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While you wait for me to do more work on my ‘me tiki’, I thought it would be fun to show you a few other tikis I have carved… like this Elvis one… since I know most of you didn’t go to the trouble of typing ‘tiki’ into the search bar… like I suggested…

Just for the fun of it, I added a twist. The Elvis tiki seems to be trying to say… or sing… something.

Here is what you can do.

Put this image on your computer screen at the largest size possible, and then play some Elvis music… or some Hawaiian music… Or just sit there and make up fake Hawaiian-sounding words… or just talk an endless stream of nonsense… or say: “thank you, thank you very much” in your best Elvis voice, over and over… Keep doing this until it isn’t fun anymore… or until the guy in the next cubicle throws a stapler at your head…

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Uh… I am so busy carving my ‘me tiki’ and working on the art for my new book for children, that I don’t have time to post any pictures of how they are coming along…

Also, my family makes me do stuff on weekends… so… yeah…

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Gardening gloves are not the same as oven mitts… just so you know… owww…

I was out in the garden, you know, in between carving my ‘me tiki’ and working on the art for the new children’s book… and I was baking an apple in the oven for my daughter Mollie, who was ignoring the oven timer… and… well… I figured that thick leather gloves would work pretty well… and… uh… they didn’t.

This life lesson brought to you by: Pain receptors! The part of your brain that let’s you know you did something really stupid.

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I Like You… part 2…

So… about the new book for children I am writing… I know, I haven’t actually shared the poem that makes up the text yet, but I have managed to get my actual, most favorite, comfy, size fifteen tennis shoe to look much more generic and less like an actual brand that could cause me to be sued…

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I have started to paint over the background as well, and trust me, this will make more sense once I have it on a page with a colorful background background and some words… but we have come a long way…. from this…

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The me tiki… part 2…

Okay, I am still working on the tiki that is going to look exactly like that picture of me that is my gravatar… me in the cool shades… I am also trying to work on my disappointment that on the day I posted a bunch of silly pictures of Donald Trump, culminating in me sticking his head on various phallic images, I got 296 views, and that now, while I am sharing the story of me creating art from wood while simultaneously creating an illustrated book for little kids, my views since I started dropped to 140, then then 69, until today, which is, admittedly a weekend and therefore traditionally a slow day, and it is still early… but 19… seriously?

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So far, I am really just at the point where I am trying to remove a lot of wood in order to leave the nose sticking out of the log as far as my actual nose sticks out of my face.

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I tried using my little Dremel tool with a sander bit on it… and had two of the little, slip-on sandpaper covers break and go flying off… which is dangerous… seriously, I need to invest in real tools, because this hunk of wood is hard.

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I decided to try a trick I read about somewhere. I made some saw cuts, and then used a chisel, in order to remove wood faster. I call this ‘moving wood’. The saw cuts prevent you from getting a split in the wood and accidentally removing something important… like my nose. The stick leaning against the log is what I use to pound the chisels through the wood.

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I did measure how far my nose sticks out of my face so I knew how far down to go around it, but I got complacent. That big flat part above the nose was sort of supposed to be where my cool sunglasses were going to be. But when I did a few quick measurements, involving putting my fingers up to various parts of my face, and then moving them to the tiki without changing the position of my fingers, I discovered that my face is really much smaller than I thought it was. The sunglasses should be much lower down. Go ahead, measure the distance between your chin and your eyebrows, and between the outside edges of your eyes. Use your fingers. Look at your fingers. Your face, the main part, really isn’t very big, is it?

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Yeah, that rectangle where I was going to carve my cool shades is way too high. I think it is because I am used to doing crazy tikis where I can out stuff wherever I want to… (seriously, just type ‘tiki’ in the search bar of my blog, and you can see the ones I have already done)…

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So, I sort of marked out some of the places things actually should end up… using, as you might remember from the first post in this series, the expedient of putting that printed picture of me over the tiki, driving a small nail into the wood through it on certain highlights, and then playing connect the dots with a felt pen.

Hey, don’t worry, I left extra wood for just such contingencies… because I know I don’t know what I’m doing.

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I Like You… part 1…

So, this time, instead of painting the illustrations for my new book for kids, I thought I would take actual photographs, and then paint over them in Photoshop…

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So, hopefully, that explains why I showed you this picture I took of my own size fifteen tennis shoe in the post that started this duo-simultaneous-art-adventure… I mean, it is just an experiment. Something new to try. It should make more sense when I share the poem that I wrote that makes up the text of this book…

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Like so many of my ideas, this one began to hit a few snags right off the bat. I thought it would be much quicker and easier than spending days cleaning up watercolor paintings in Photoshop… I have done posts about that, when I did my ‘The Lonely Little Wizard’ book, you might remember… But, and as someone who paints and draws, I am well aware of how important shading and texture are, you can’t just pick one color, one shade, of white, and make a whole shoe. You need a bunch of shades of white and cream and gray and so on, or you just end up with a big white blob.

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So, yes, I have managed to turn it into a generic shoe… so I don’t get sued by New Balance… and I have started to simplify the background grass, and paint over the flowers, but at this point, I must admit, I am not sure my idea is going to work… and even if it does, I have a few dozen pictures to take and do the same thing to… pictures of animals and plants and things and stuff… so, uh, this may take a while.

The good thing about art is that you can always start over.

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The Seven Kingdoms… chapter 15…

(Author’s commentary): Yes, on top of carving the new ‘me tiki’ and working on the art for the new children’s book, I am still busy writing my novel about the intrepid band of princesses, role models for the next generation, or so I hope. And things are moving along in my made-up world. I must say, the men of this world seem to be grasping the idea of women’s lib a lot faster and more smoothly than the men on this, our not-made-up world.

The farm girl, Sanara, is an awesome character, and in some ways, she might be the strongest and most fierce of the lot… but the rest are doing very well, considering the fact that they were raised to do nothing but become queens someday… in a world where queens weren’t really expected to do much besides giving birth to new royalty. Also, I am growing very fond of Nudge… sorry… prince Nujeem, the young, turncoat captured enemy prince.

And, if I do say so myself, the end of this chapter is sort of awesome.

(Once again, you can read the entire story so far by clicking the button in my top bar that is called: The Seven Kingdoms, without having to read this annoying commentary. Also, if anyone wants to give editing a try, let me know. I can’t pay you, but I can write you into the book, and send you a signed copy when it is published)…

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The Seven Kingdoms

 

Chapter 15

 

A short time later, Hildy sat in the bow of one of the Wavebounder’s longboats. Sanara sat beside her, sling ready, a rock in the sling’s pouch, and a bag full of rocks slung over her shoulder. Around them in the darkness, thirty longboats, packed with soldiers and sailors, plied the darkness of the bay. The boats broke up and moved to form a circle around the black ship, moving ever closer, making almost no sound.

As her boat neared the side of the ship, Hildy, looking up at the railings, spotted a head appear in the dim light of a watch lantern. The man opened his mouth to shout the alarm. Hildy heard a whirring sound and felt her hair stir in the breeze whipped up by Sanara’s whirling sling. The stone flew true, catching the man squarely in the throat. He fell back out of sight with a thump but no more noise than that.

Hildy had brought all of her Evergreen soldiers with her, and captain Nius Tar and thirty or so of the men were carrying staves tipped with the iron points they had captured after the battle of Evergreen. The rest had staves sharpened to deadly points. There were also a few sailors from the fleet who had proven adept at the new spear fighting techniques they were developing. All the men were carrying slings and bags of stones as well. The rest of the almost two hundred men of the boarding party were soldiers of Flame. They hadn’t been trained to fight in the new manner, and their staves weren’t sharpened yet, but captain Reef had assured her that the black ship would have a crew of no more than thirty sailors. He had also informed her that he had been watching the ship since it had arrived, and that he was certain there weren’t more than thirty soldiers aboard. Two hundred men against sixty had seemed like good odds to Hildy, especially if they kept the element of surprise.

Taking over the ship turned out to be remarkably easy. The few sleepy sailors on deck were taken prisoner quickly and quietly. Below decks, most of the men were asleep or playing games of chance. They looked up at the sound of doors opening to find armed men spilling through them. There was no time to put up a struggle.

Hildy knelt down and touched the man that Sanara had hit with the stone. He was dead. She looked up at Sanara and shook her head. The farmer’s daughter simply shrugged. When soldiers broke into the captain’s cabin, Hildy, Sanara and Nudge were right behind them. As they had expected, Nudge’s half-brother had appropriated the cabin for his own use. He was still sound asleep when the door was thrown open. There were two empty wine jugs on a small table by the bunk, and another lay on the sheets by the prince’s side. There was a large stain beside him, where the jug had spilled part of its contents. The prince did not wake up easily. Nudge had to shake him several times. When he did wake up, he wasn’t in the best of shape. He was completely unable to grasp what was happening.

“You are our prisoner,” Hildy told him, as he struggled to untangle himself from the sheets and sit up. He was completely naked, and didn’t seem to care at all.

“I’ve spilled my wine,” the prince whined. “Get me some more.”

Hildy exchanged an amused glance with Nudge. Nudge took it upon himself to try to enlighten his half-brother as to his new situation. “You don’t give orders here, you are our prisoner.”

The Skull prince blinked furiously a few times, and wiped at his eyes. He scratched at his stubble-covered, not-so-closely-shaven head. He was sweating profusely. He was paunchy, pale and extremely hairy, as Hildy was all too uncomfortably aware in his present state of undress. “I need more wine,” the prince stated firmly.

Hildy tossed him a black tunic with a white hem that she spotted on the floor by the bunk. “You will have plenty to drink in just a short while,” she told him with a smile. “Unfortunately, you will have to settle for salt water.”

“I don’t like water,” the prince mumbled. “I need more wine.”

“Get him out of bed and out on deck,” Hildy said, “and don’t bother being too gentle about it if he gives you cause.” With that, she led Sanara back out of the cabin, while several soldiers advanced on the drunken prince.

Not long after, the prince, twenty four Skull sailors, and twenty Skull soldiers stood clustered on the deck, surrounded by the much larger boarding party. Leed Reef, nephew of the captain of the Wavebounder, had been chosen to captain the captured vessel, and already had sailors preparing the ship for sea.

“So, who are you, exactly?” asked a still bleary-eyed prince Dezlore, whose eyes were actually closed when he asked the question.

“I am…” began Hildy, but was cut off by the captive prince.

“Oh, I have no doubt who you are,” the prince assured her. “I am speaking to the boy in the fancy Skull armor there.” He pointed at Nudge, then addressed him. “I assume you must be, uh, what did they call you? Nugs? Nubs? Whatever. My half-brother. We were told that you had been captured. We also assumed they would have killed you by now.”

“Well they aren’t at all like us, or they no doubt would have,” Nudge replied.

Hildy couldn’t stop herself from asking the obvious question. “Look, how is it that you two have never even spoken to one another in your entire lives?”

“You have to understand how strange things have become in our kingdom,” Nudge explained. “Our father, unlike the kings before him, has always had a multitude of wives, even back when his favorite was still alive. He has palaces in every city and town in the land. Often more than one, depending on how big the city or town is. Whenever he visits anyplace, young women, girls, really, are brought and presented to him by his sons or anyone else who wishes to curry favor. He marries them in a quick ceremony, and they spend one night together. Often, he never lays eyes on them again after that. They are only kept around the raise any male children, while the female children are sent back to their families.”

“They live like the queens they are,” objected prince Dezlore.

“Yes, while the people live like animals,” Nudge countered. There was some mumbling among the Skull soldiers and sailors at this exchange. “And things are getting worse,” Nudge continued. “New palaces are built while our people live in hovels or nowhere at all. The food goes to our ever-expanding royal family and its loyal retainers, while the people starve.”

Prince Dezlore scratched his stubble of black hair, first on his head, then on his cheek. The obvious had finally seeped into his wine-besotted head. “Wait, why are you wearing armor? Why are you carrying a pointy stick? And why are you arguing with me? You aren’t a prisoner at all, are you?”

“He isn’t our prisoner, not anymore,” Hildy confirmed. “He is our friend.”

Prince Dezlore looked suitably perturbed to be supplied with this information. In point of fact, he looked as though he had swallowed something unpleasant. He glowered at Nudge. “You traitor!” he shouted, spraying spittle.

“I showed as much loyalty as my king, our father, deserved,” said Nudge in a low, cold voice.

“We don’t have time for this now,” Hildy broke in. “You men are going to go for a nice little swim, and then you will be guests of the kingdom of Flame. No doubt you will be well treated, and released when your fleet arrives.”

A man stepped forward from the group of prisoners. Several of Hildy’s men swung their spear points in his direction, but Hildy immediately saw that this man, this boy, was no threat. He looked to be about her age, and he was pitifully thin and painfully filthy. “Prince Nujeem,” the boy said tremulously, “I am from your home town. Take me with you.” Several other of the Skull prisoners immediately joined him, crying out to be brought along.

Hildy hadn’t expected this at all. She was at a momentary loss for words. Prince Dezlore was also stunned by this mutiny on a ship he was no longer in command of, but he didn’t have to waste time searching for words. He was indoctrinated in repression and steeped in cruelty. “I will order the families of any man who stays to be put to death in the slowest and most painful manner I can come up with!” he screamed, more spittle catching the dim light of the watch lanterns.

Quiet fell over the dark deck of the dark ship. That was all Hildy needed to goad her into formulating a plan on the spot. She went and stood very close in front of the drunken prince. “I can’t leave you here to cause trouble, so I suppose I will have to take you with us.”

The prince had no reply to that.

Hildy began giving orders. “Captain Tar, tie this wretch up securely. Don’t spare the rope. You may have to use more rope to lower him into a longboat like a cask of water. Get some men to help you. If you drop him, I don’t much care, as long as you don’t damage the boat.”

There was nervous laughter among the other Skull prisoners as Hildy turned back to them. “As for the rest of you lot, you are now under my command. I took this ship, and, as you happened to be on it at the time, that means I took you, too. Call yourselves prisoners, call yourselves unwilling recruits, or call yourselves the newest members of the resistance, but call yourself lucky as well. I am going to divide you up among the ships of my fleet. Serve me well, and I will treat you as well as I do any of my men. Cause me any trouble, and I will lock you up with prince Dezlore.”

“But what of our families?” asked the young lad from Nudge’s home town.

“I swear that if we are ever in danger of being captured by your former masters, I will kill prince Dezlore before he has a chance to say that you were ever anything other than our prisoners.” She said this loudly and clearly, so that the drunken prince, from where he was being tied up, would hear and understand her words. Nudge suddenly gave a very loud and slightly maniacal laugh. Hildy turned towards him to see what he found to be so amusing.

“Hildy, I think you just became the first pirate captain to sail the sea in five hundred years!”

Hildy smiled but didn’t join in the general laughter, even though she enjoyed the jest as much or more than any of them. Another thought had popped into her mind, and she voiced the thought aloud. “I don’t know if I am the first female pirate, but I do believe that I am the very first princess pirate that there ever was.”

And not a man there could disagree with her.

 

 

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