I have never kept it a secret that I am the evil criminal mastermind in charge of a secret organization bent on conquering the world. I have a secret lair in a hollowed-out volcano somewhere in Southern California and an army of loyal minions and everything.
The good news is that, unlike most evil criminal masterminds, I am not going to take over the world using space lasers or nuclear weapons or a deadly virus or by starting world war three. I am doing it with my blog. I just want everybody on the planet to follow me. And then I can make all of you laugh at my antics.
The bad news is that being an evil criminal mastermind bent on world conquest pretty much guarantees that, one of these days, James Bond is going to break into my lair, blow up all my minions… and we still have openings in the minion army if anyone is interested in applying for a position… and then kill me in some gloriously gruesome fashion.
So if you wouldn’t mind, just so I can at least say I got as far in my plans as some of those other evil criminal masterminds… and you know James Bond never shows up until the very last minute to save the day, because that is just the way these things work… can you please just follow me. James Bond does not like to be kept waiting.
Pouring My Art Out 
I have been a longstanding minion, yet have received VERY LITTLE love back to my site of impending doom. I understand your readers enjoy humor, and my humor only stems from sarcasm. Uh…come to MY site. You’ll like it.
I will make you laugh. Or cringe. Or file a restraining order.
I am a self-absorbed idiot with a head full of crack squirrels to leave you waiting like that.
Yeah, well I’m used to dealing with men who have crack squirrels in their heads.
That is a huge relief
Winky face
Ha!
I see you are in disguise again, as the facial hair is back. See James Bond? No facial hair. If you are going do Bond take a note.
Also, how on earth is your “Head Minion” (Trent) keeping track of all your non-head minions? This seems like an awful lot of work.
It is very confusing to run a large evil empire.
Ummmmm… I, as a loyal minion, kind of already captured James Bond and kind of put him through the buzz saw, and fed his remains to sharks with lasers on their heads. I’m really sorry, I completely forgot that you were supposed to meet with him first, tell him your evil plan, and let him escape. Please forgive my overeagerness to serve you, dear Supreme Leader.
I promise it won’t happen again, and I think we also saw Batman sneaking around the volcano, so I promise to follow the standard minion protocol with him.
Well, lucky for the world… if not for me… there are more than one James Bonds running around.
Yeah, there’s like 5 or 6 of them out there, although a couple are probably retired already.
We should train against the retired ones first… work our way up to the new guy…
I’d like to be a minion.
You just have to take a few training courses… shoot some targets that look like James Bond, fill out a release form and some insurance papers… and mostly you have to comment on the post where we are trying to break the record for the most comments on a single post… have you done that yet?
Yes I have. I think was about the 850th commenter. Then I reblogged and got a few of my followers to comment as well.
Then you are an official minion if you want to be… I make you the chief minion in charge of reminding me that I should stop forgetting who has commented and who hasn’t even though there are hundreds of people and I couldn’t remember them all even if I was way smarter than I am.
Hey, stop forgetting who has commented and who hasn’t.
Was that good?
And I can’t blame you for not remembering me. I don’t have nearly as many commenters as you do and I still can’t remember them all.
Plus I have a head full of crack squirrels… so… uh
Openings in the minion party?
Isn’t it automatic entry just by following you?
no way… there are forms to fill out… tests to take… you need to run the obstacle course, weapons proficiency trials, we need to figure out where to place you. I can’t trust just anybody to guard me from James Bond, damn it!
I haven;t had an interview for 15 years, I would be too nervous. What about even for an admin job?
I could see you being:
Chief Minion in charge of making sure that no minions are feeling left out because of cultural, sexual, ethnic or intelligence diversity…
Head Minion in charge of putting electronic locks on all the doors in the secret lair that are activated by thumb print…
Executive Minion of manicures and pedicures…
Dungeon Master Minion in charge of spanking naughty male minions who step out of line…
Or all of the above.
hah! I wouldn’t put me in charge of locks – I was burgled last night!
seriously???
Yeah. Got home about 10pm and my door was kicked in, luckily my cat was still there and safe which is all that matters to me. They never took a thing though which is weird. Police said they were looking for cash or jewellery as everything was turned upside down, but I have none of those things. I actually don’t have much stuff. So nothing missing, just a bit messy, but nothing else vandalised apart from the front door being smashed in but is repaired for now and is being replaced. Just a hassle being up all night waiting for police etc.
Maybe they just rummaged through your sexy underwear drawer… you might have a stalker… a kinky stalker… I was here all night, just so you know…
haha, I said same thing as they were quite tidy burglars. if they can call themselves burglars since they never took anything,
Just bad at the job?
We’ve already followed you to San Fran, Maui, the Zoo, Marineland and you haven’t shaken us off yet- we’re with ya Art!
I need to aim some stuff at the unenlightened…
I’m already following you!
And I am glad you are.