HELP!!! I have gotten myself in way over my head… again…

I signed up to do this thing… this ‘Funny Blog Friday’ thing…

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I am supposed to join a bunch of funny bloggers… and then be as funny as they are… when we all post funny blogs at the same time… using math to figure out when the heck ‘8 AM EST (Eastern Standard Time???) is… and I don’t do math… and I might not even be home at whatever time that turns out to be, because I have stuff to do today… Oh, and I have to do links to like 25 other blogs so we can all be in this together, but you know I am a computer moron and I suck at doing links… (is there a way I can copy them all at once or do I need to go to each blog and copy the URL thingy, because that might take a while)… oh, and I am supposed to give away something to people who come to all the blogs and comment, or at least pick a few winners to receive some sort of special gift… so if you have any ideas about that, because I am broke… I mean, I could do my patented ‘make your dreams come true by doing funny things to your face in Photoshop’… you know you all love those posts… but then winners would have to email me pictures of their heads and tell me what they want me to do with them… so… uh… anyway, please join me sometime today… for something… and maybe win a chance to do something else, or to get something… or something…

a 1 a 2This might be the scariest Halloween ever… for me…

Aw, forget it… I am going to try to add the links one at a time:

Alanna of:  http://whitegirlsbelike.wordpress.com/

Jamie of: http://fitsofwit.com/

Jessie of:   http://www.jessiereyna.com/

H. E. Ellis of:  http://heellisgoa.com/

Ben of: http://bensbitterblog.wordpress.com/

Jenn of:  http://properlyridiculous.com/

Alice of: https://aliceatwonderland.wordpress.com/

Lisa at: http://buddhafulbritt.com/

JC of: http://jcsbloggery.wordpress.com/

Sarah of: http://nocrybabies.net/

Elke of:  http://theprettyplatform.com/

Jack of: http://thethingsiseeuphere.com/

Chicks A and E of: http://toofunnychicks.wordpress.com/

Charly of:  http://charlypriest.wordpress.com/

Kevin of: http://trailertrashdeluxe.wordpress.com/

Karilin of: http://thatnamelesscolor.com/

Posted in stuff about blogging | Tagged , , , , , , | 20 Comments

Self-actualizing Islamic fundamentalist terrorists… are you f*&$%#@ s%@#**&%* me???

Seriously? You can’t get most people to vote because they are too lazy and indifferent, but you can get people to read some articles and watch some YouTube videos, and they suddenly have the time and energy to convert to radical fundamentalist Islam, and then go out and attack some random target, knowing full well that they will most likely die in the attempt?

For some weird reason, this reminds me of a bad joke:

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don’t know and I don’t care.

The thing is… and this is a bad thing… that ignorance we still have in plenty, but whatever happened to the apathy??? Sometimes it really is better to do nothing than to do something stupid.

If you really do feel the need to take some action to change the world, why don’t you try volunteering at a soup kitchen, or become a Big Brother, run for city council, whatever. Or just convert to a religion that doesn’t ask you to kill other people.

Posted in thinking about stuff | Tagged , , , , , , | 36 Comments

Two more reasons that my younger daughter amazes me…

She went to a Halloween party and wore my old Grateful Dead hat the one that I decorated myself. I used to wear that hat to some cool shows back in the day. She also wore her mom’s tie dye shirt from our early dating days. And she wore her own socks… that she tie dyed herself. Here is a picture of my old hat…

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And here is another one…

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I love that hat. I used to have this fake rose with a battery in it. The rose had those clear filaments in it that lit up and changed color. That hat was awesome in a dark show, especially if you were… uh… in the right mood… so to speak.

On top of that, my 15-year-old has a quick mind. I told her a joke that I made up last night.

What kind of paper does a lobster write letters on?

Crustationery…

Hey, I said I made it up, I didn’t say it was good. But before I could even say the punch line, without missing a beat, she gave me an answer that was at least as funny as mine:

Sand paper.

HA!

I love that kid.

Posted in My art, Stories of my life | Tagged , , , , , , | 23 Comments

Here is an old post that might blow your mind… if you are new and have not yet figured out that I am an all-art-side-of-the-brain freak of nature who does hundreds of kinds of art… but has no real life skills…

I did this post when I was still new at this blogging thing, and I was… as I still am… a computer moron… which means that the pictures in this post, which are painted on t-shirts and then scanned, are freeking huge… because I didn’t know how to make the pictures the best size for showing here… but that does mean you can click on them and look at them really close up… I think…

This post was called: So I opened this can of worms…

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Actually, I opened up another box of my old art projects from the garage, the one containing the remnants of my brief foray into t-shirt painting. I had forgotten all about the Art Co. years.

I opened this forgotten chapter of my past because a blogger I know and respect was thinking of putting up some artwork on his blog. He was looking for artwork featuring ‘geeky’ art. And to me, nothing says ‘geek’ like Star Trek. And that made me think of funny things you could do with Star Trek. And that made me remember the Ren and Stimpy t-shirt I had done, that one right down there that I posted yesterday, the one where they are wearing Star Fleet and Klingon uniforms.

And now that I already have the box open, I am going to scan all the stuff in it at one fell swoop.

And then I am going to try to get you to look at them.

I never finished this portrait of Stimpy, but wherever he would have ended up, he would have been wearing a tie-dye shirt.

To be honest, I do not remember how I ended up playing with those t-shirt paints. They were just popular way back when. Somebody in my wife’s family was using them and I borrowed a few bottles, you know, just to sort of play around. I started squeezin’ it out onto shirts to see what I could make it do.

They weren’t all winners. It was harder to do than it looked like it would be. Most of these test pictures I have just cut out and thrown the rest of the shirt away. I mean, you couldn’t give most of this stuff away.

My artistic visions seldom aim themselves at marketable mainstream media… (say that five times fast)…

But like any artistic endeavor, if you just keep plugging away at it, you begin to see hints of improvement.

Of course with me it is never going to be all flowers and sunshine.

I like this picture because I did it on a green t-shirt with stripes. I have no recollection of where I acquired this particular shirt. I sort of like the glitter-strand background. And the skull has real googly eyes with the little black beads that shake around.

And like every art project I ever pick up, this one took on a strange life of its own. If I could paint a skull on a shirt, why not on a silk coin purse? Well, we can all see where this is heading. Before I knew it I was painting on dishes, shoes, woven baskets, book bags, and I don’t want to remember whatever else. Fortunately most of that stuff has either been given away or will not fit in the scanner.

OK, now that one isn’t too bad. Nice little Grateful Dead motif… But get this, it is painted on the breast pocket of a blue dress shirt. Who did I think was going to buy that?

Really, a whole shirt… pink, no less… covered with creepy cat eyes??? A little gift for the paranoid cat-fancier in your life.

I needed another flower just to calm myself down. This one is actually done on a tasteful white miniskirt. Whatever.

Now this I like. It is unfinished, but it had potential. I may have to finish this one… seriously, stop laughing… The pants and sandals are awesome. The shirt and jewelery rock. He is going to be wearing shades and a cool top hat with tie-dye scarves tied around it, and I turned his other ear into long hair. I like where I was going with this.

And of course the bears… Dead Heads love the bears…

I did not expect that to come out so big… it is a tiny painting in the corner of a handkerchief. It looks better small.

So I made maybe $100.00 from Art Co. I sold a few shirts to a guy who played racquetball. I gave a lot of stuff away. I spent hours of my life on another artistic dead-end. But you know what? I learned more about art and I learned more about myself. I will leave you with some scans of my practice/advertising shirt. 

I had this half-formed idea that I would cover this shirt with so many awesome things that no one would be able to turn away from my glorious splendor…

Look, it must have been during the Clinton years… ha! (Wait, he was the not inhaling guy, right?)

Hey, it is our old friend Conan… and a sword with real…(fake)… jewels stuck on the pommel…

Oh, and it looks as if my plan included going to swap meets or craft fairs and actually wearing the shirt. Or maybe just to the grocery store. I had the audacity to put my phone number right on it. (That number is no good anymore, just so you know. Do not call Art Co. and ask for a t-shirt bearing your favorite Disney character doing bong hits).

Man am I glad I never finished that shirt.

I am now resisting the impulse to make a shirt covered with rubber baby bottle nipples… (say that five times fast)… It could be worn by all female celebrities appearing at the Oscars or the Super Bowl. Think of it as camouflage, if you will. But we will never have to worry about the dreaded ‘wardrobe malfunction’ again… (which I totally invented by the way, as you would know if you read my whole blog)…

Posted in cartoons, Conan the barbarian, flowers, My art, Stories of my life, thinking about stuff | Tagged , , , , , , , | 12 Comments

To boldly go where no crack squirrel has gone before…

Okay… a quick piece of advice… never fart in a space suit…

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And speaking of space suits… have you read any of my action/adventure/humor science fiction novels yet? Did you know that by the end of book number two of the Otherwhere Chronicles, our hero… who is me… but not really me, a me from another dimension… ends up with his own space ship? Well, technically he owns whole fleets of ships, because he ends up being made the CEO of a vast alien/human corporation that was doing bad things but was too big to fail… or so we found out after the whole space pirate thing got cleared up by Arthur and his friends… sort of… I mean, it did turn out that the space pirates were really just… I don’t want to give away too much of the story here… but let’s just say that Arthur, our hero, is doing pretty good… once he saved San Francisco from being destroyed by two angry alien ambassadors… and once he had to fight an unarmed combat duel with that huge alien mercenary… so all in all not bad for a guy who started off as a janitor in a Texas bar and grill on an alien space station…

It might actually seem like I am giving away a lot of the plot, but there is so much more going on… I mean, that all happened in just the first two books, and I am now editing the third book and the fourth is already written… and besides, nothing is what it seems… and the plot twists like a pubic hair in a tornado… so… uh… yeah…

You can buy the books by clicking on the book page button in the top bar… or on those pictures of the books over there in the sidebar.

If you have read them, and you liked them, please go back to the book page and leave a little review on the site where you bought them. Of course, if you hated them, feel free to go there and write a good review anyway… HA!

The books are cheap… only $10.00… except for the children’s book I did called: I like monkeys! That is $15.00 dollars… because I painted pictures for that one.

Also, the first sci-fi book is available on some e-readers like Kindle. It is really cheap to buy it that way. If enough people do buy it that way, I will ask my daughter, Jessica, my tech support expert, to make the rest of the books available there too.

I plan to write book five in the near future, and go on from there.

I really think you should get these books before they make them into major motion pictures. Because by then, I will be hugely famous, and getting a signed copy will force you to stand in a long line with thousands of clambering fans, and you won’t feel nearly as special as you will if you help discover me while I am a virtual… and literal… unknown.

 

Posted in Stories of my life, thinking about stuff | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Here is your chance to prove that you actually exist… and we can all learn something about WordPress and their mysterious statistics… and all you have to do is type two little letters into the comment box on this post…

So according to the magical stats page overseen by our friends at WordPress, I now have just over 2,500 followers. But are all of you real people? I want you all to type the word ‘hi’ into the comment section of this post.

See, the thing is… I don’t know why there always has to be a thing, but there does… some of you have blog names that sound suspiciously like business names. I just tell myself that you have been checking out my blog while you are supposed to be working… and I am totally okay with that.

The other thing is… ooohhh, the rare and wonderful double thing… that there are a surprising number of your that hit the follow button and then have never typed a single word into any comment box on any post… ever.

I’m not trying to make you feel guilty. If you are shy or whatever, I respect that. If you just think you have nothing to say then I hope you are at least having fun watching me do… whatever it is I do here…

But… and this is really just more along the lines of an experiment… I would really love to see if I can get 2,500 people to just say hi. Not as a power trip. Not to massage my already inflated ego. No, not at all. I just want to prove that you all exist, that you aren’t just a bunch of random blog names made up by underpaid flunkies working in cubicles in the basement of the WordPress corporation.

So can you all do that for me?

Here, let me start off…

Hi

Posted in stuff about blogging, thinking about stuff | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 109 Comments

Why did the chicken cross the road? Well, let me tell you…

I hate these fake questions. This is like the chicken and the egg question, which I answered here on my blog, thank you… but this is even worse. It implies that one chicken crossed one road for some very specific reason. Chickens are stupid. They wander all over the place… especially the free range ones. It is debatable whether they even know what a road is, or that they are engaged in crossing it. They certainly don’t have a motive for moving anywhere that involves anything deeper and more meaningful than looking for more food.

You’re welcome.

I am putting a link to this blog: http://gibberjabberin.wordpress.com/ because I might have sort of gotten the idea for this post from a comment I made over there where they were seriously asking us to consider the ‘chicken crossing the road, and what its motives might be’ question… In fact, I just more or less copied the comment I made over there and turned it into this post. I still am not quite sure why gibberjabberin thinks she deserves some sort of credit for my post, considering the fact that (a) the chicken question is not a new question, and (b) she didn’t even ask the question, somebody else did… but hey, she is Canadian, so it is just easier to put the link up than to argue with her…

Posted in thinking about stuff | Tagged , , , , , , | 75 Comments