*** Warning, might contain naughty words***

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*And now you have walked on the rice paper of wisdom without leaving the footprints of ignorance… you may leave the temple, Grasshopper.

*So a picture is worth a thousand words, but love is a word, and that’s worth more than a thousand pictures.

*Why can’t we do Christmas for 11 months out of the year and then just be assholes for one month to blow off steam?

*From now on, we will pronounce ‘infinity’ as ‘ifninity’… this is nonnegotiable.

*So a popsicle stick keeps you from getting sticky… is that irony or what?

*Life is not like a box of chocolates, Mr. Tom Hanks!

*Yes, I’m sure that sounded brilliant… in your own head… before you typed it.

*We can all work together to make this world a better place… oh… sorry, I forgot where I was for a minute.

*Gravity sucks.

*Literalists literally drive me crazy.

*My wisdom is boundless… by which I mean it can’t leap as high as it used to.

*You can write what you feel, but you can never write all that you feel.

*It’s hard to walk on the sunny side of the street when it’s raining.

*When I said ‘bust a move’ I didn’t actually expect you to break anything… sorry about that.

*Your eyes speak to me more than your boobs do… yeah, I know where your eyes are… I can’t take mine off them.

*I’m sorry, but bananas are just plain funny.

*Take your stinking paws off me, you damn, dirty ape!

*No shirt, no shoes, no service.

*Put up or shut up… and I don’t really care if you put up… so…

*Keep your pants on… oh, you’re a nudist? Never mind then.

*Thank you for being you… nobody else wanted the job.

*Put on a happy face! No… you can’t cut it off of someone else…

*It’s a dog eat dog world… maybe… but I do know it’s a dog sniff dog butt world.

*Nelson Mandela was a hell of a fella…

*You put your right foot in, but you forgot to shake it all about.

*I can feel the love on Twitter tonight… eeewww…. the floor is all sticky…

*If you do get your panties in a pucker, just fart… it blows the pucker right out of there.

*Put on your big-boy pants and tweet like you mean it!

*Grab life by the hootchies!

*It’s cold outside… everybody open your windows and turn your heaters up!

*Am I typing too fast for you?

*I am not making this stuff up.

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I wasn’t planning on doing one of these today, but since I discovered that Twitter is no longer saving all the tweets I ever did, and that some of them are now lost to history, I figured, what the heck.