So I have to put up a short blurb for the new novel on the website that sells my books. Tell me what you think of this:
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Arthur Blacke was not enjoying his new status as hero of the universe after saving a star liner full of hostages from the space pirates. So he decided to take a vacation from his job as custodian at a Texas bar on an alien space station. He was going back to Earth to visit his mother.
There he found out that the very company that owned the space liner had been the one that hired the pirates, and the owner of the corporation had been trying to sell human beings to two alien partners. San Francisco was in danger of being destroyed, and all Arthur had to do to save it was learn how to fly an alien ship, defeat the mercenaries working for the company, beat their leader in unarmed combat, save the U. S. President and a few hundred other hostages, and then outwit a twisted business executive and his two alien cronies.
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Does it make you want to check out the book? Does it give too much away? And obvious errors? I really do want to hear what you think.
Pouring My Art Out 
Makes me want to read it, yes. But, I should probably start with the first book, right? And I do promise I’ll get right on that, as soon as the Little Prince lets me have more than 20 minutes of peace at a time. So, what? He’s 9 months old now, I should expect that in 18 years or so? Besides, if I wait that long, I’ll be able to read all of the books in the series at once… that is, assuming the other Arthur has delivered them all to you by then…
It is an ongoing process, but they do make more sense in order.
There he found out the very company which owned the space liner had hired the pirates and the owner of the corporation had been trying to sell human beings to two alien partners. San Francisco was in danger of being destroyed and all Arthur had to do to save it was learn how to fly an alien ship, defeat the mercenaries working for the company, beat their leader in unarmed combat, save the U. S. President and a few hundred other hostages and then outwit a twisted business executive and his two alien cronies.
Re-written 2nd paragraph. Way too many “that” in your version makes it hard to read.
ooohhh… that’s good, that is… I will see if Jessica can switch that one with that other one.
Agree with the other bloggers…sounds good and I would buy/will buy but need to say less with more suspense. lol
My daughter already put it up on the publisher’s website… I will do better with book three…
I think you need some bait. Like a line at the end to kind of reel your readers in. Something to make them wonder if Arthur is capable of doing all of this stuff and/or how he’ll manage it.
This turned out to be harder than I thought it would be. Give too much away or not enough. I think very few people will buy the second book without having read the first one. But that might be a good idea, thanks.
I’m in with the in-crowd — I think that even if you may not be giving too much away, it sounds as if you are. And I know that I really like to figure out who the bad guy is, bit by bit …
The beauty of these books is that nothing is as it seems. The corporation is evil, but you don’t figure out how evil or why they or evil until the third and fourth book. The two alien partners might or might not be evil, but I don’t give away their motives. I don’t give away how Arthur gets out of all these problems, or what happens before, during or after. Even the duel with the mercenaries’ leader is not going to turn out like anything you ever read before. And all of this is just a small part of the overall story. There is so much going on that I could do five pages and it still wouldn’t give the whole thing away.
But I will try to think of a way to leave a few things out and still make people want to buy the books.
I have to agree. I love when a blurb pulls me in just enough, but doesn’t give away details that could potentially lead me to put the book back on the shelf. I like when they leave a lot to my imagination.
I might tone it down a little then.
Is there more to the plot or does this give away exactly what’s going to happen (just now how)? I would evaluate based on that standard.
It gives some small points away, but nowhere near the whole kit and caboodle.
Should be okay then. In this blurb, I was more thinking about holy cow, how the heck is he going to string this all together… which is a good hook. If there’s more stuff than that, then you haven’t given away the whole story. Anyway, it got my attention. But I was already gonna read the second book.
I am torn. I am right on the line of giving too much away, but it is a fine line.
You kind of giving the whole story away, A :0/ May be instead of saying ” he found out that the very company” you could say something like “he was starting to suspect” or “was nearly sure”. But that of course will require you to bring just a bit more of action lines. I think.
Okay, three people agree with ‘too much information’… I might have to rethink this.
Too much information – sounds like you gave away the whole book. Instead of the 2nd paragraph, I would end with something like, “But if Arthur was hoping to take a break from aliens and adventures, he picked neither the right place nor the right time.”
I agree, but I also need to hook people. I have to give them something. And this doesn’t really give away the main parts, like how he gets out of these situations.
You are still giving away all the story – not the details, but it still sounds like the entire plot.
Sort of, but not really. And this is just the second book, and is still just one small part of the overall story. But I do see what you are saying.
Yes, but you’re selling the book as a separate entity, not as all 4 books under one cover.
That is a very good point. Although I doubt it is going to effect sales one way or the other.
I think it maybe gives away too much? Maybe change to something like “thwart several of their goals” or “thwart their goals” or “beat the buggers up”. It is a follow up to your Saloon at the Edge of Everywhere isn’t it?
It is indeed. I need to reel people in. This part is harder than I thought.
I have your first book, I haven’t got around to reading it yet. I will do as soon as I finish Seyi’s book. Well, it’s my book but Seyi wrote it.
I never rush a creative mind.
🙂