And I do apologize. But I am going to do a few posts today that will piss some people off.  If you are extremely religious and don’t have a sense of humor about it, do not read my next few posts. I want to say that although I do not subscribe to any one organized religion, that does not mean that I think you are silly for having a belief system. In fact, I think I could make the argument that because I don’t hold one religion to be right and therefore better than all the others, that makes me less judgmental about religion in general than some people.

I reached into my magic drawers again… (Okay, that might be construed as a joke at the expense of Mormons, because let’s face it, magic underpants are sort of a funny idea)… but what I mean is that I went into the drawers where I keep all the weird stuff I have written over the years, and I pulled out some things I wrote that make fun of certain aspects of religion.

This first piece is called ‘Cheesy Jesus’.

I admit that this was written for the soul… sorry… sole purpose of making fun of people who think they see the face of Jesus or Mary in a knot in a tree, or a pattern on a rock, or even cooked onto a piece of toast. So I wrote this poem… except it is really a song. You sing it to the melody of a song called ‘Plastic Jesus’. I don’t know who wrote the song, but it is funny and you should Google it. The really ironic thing is that this song already makes fun of religion. So I took a song that makes fun of religion and rewrote it to make fun of a more specific aspect of the same religion.

Also, there are a couple of things you need to know before you read it. I do not live in LA, even though the poem/song implies that I do. But I needed a restaurant for the setting, and I wrote this not long after that actor Robert Blake, who played a cop named Beretta in a TV show a long time ago, shot his wife outside an Italian restaurant in Los Angeles. I saw an opportunity to make fun of that tragedy and Robert Blake’s apparent insanity at the same time I made fun of true believers with overactive imaginations…

Oh crap, I really am going to hell, aren’t I?

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CHEESY JESUS

I went to eat at my favorite Italian place

That’s where I saw that sacred face

Glowing in the cheeses on my plate

I ordered that holy manicotti

Came with the head but not the body

Baked into the cheeses on my plate

Somehow we manifested our lord and savior

On the site of Robert Blake’s bad behavior

Cooked him in the cheeses on my plate

Long ago Jesus gave his life

So Beretta could shoot his annoying wife

Now his second coming is steaming on my plate

Cheesy Jesus, cheesy Jesus

Smiling from the cheeses on my plate

I know what mankind’s sins have cost ya, now your melting on top of my pasta

Smiling from the cheeses on my plate

Of all the places you could come back to today

I don’t know why you would want to pick LA

Or for that matter, the cheeses on my plate

I guess it’s ’cause this is where we need you most

Waiter, bring me side dish of holy ghost

To put beside the cheesy Jesus on my plate

Cheesy Jesus, cheesy Jesus

Smiling from the cheeses on my plate

If wine and bread can be your blood and body

Why not slap your face on my manicotti

Bless you, cheesy Jesus on my plate