Or; How can a man tell a woman she is beautiful without upsetting the delicate balance between political correctness and proper etiquette and being sort of creepy…???
Okay, guys, pay attention and you might learn some stuff… but let me start off by saying that this is not a guide to good pickup lines in a bar. In fact, if you are young and single, this isn’t really for you at all. You can make the same dumb mistakes the rest of us did and figure out your own way through the mysterious maze that is the dating life.
No, this if for the men out there that are either married or settled down in long-term relationships.
And I am not saying that I have all the answers here, so ladies, please feel free to jump in at any time. This is an opportunity for us to see if we are all on the same page when it comes to the most basic interaction between the sexes.
I have always enjoyed the company of women over men. I have always had more friends that are female. I relate to them better. I like that they can share emotions and feelings. And I don’t care about sports or cars.
It probably doesn’t hurt that I am tall and somewhat handsome, but women have always been drawn to me. This includes female babies and young girls and sweet little old ladies. I have been married for more than 25 years, and I am not looking to start any kind of a dalliance. But the thing is… yay, I was hoping there would be a thing… I often find myself wanting to tell a woman that I find something about her to be beautiful.
Once again let me stress that I am not talking about commenting in a positive way on the size and/or shape of any woman’s breasts or backside. In fact, to be quite honest, I am not a huge fan of most women with super model looks. I find that it seems to interfere with the parts of life that make people interesting and fun to be around. And I am way too self-centered to enjoy spending time with another self-centered person.
No, I am talking about those things that make an impression on the poet and artist in me. And, like any artistic inspiration, it pops out of nowhere and is often a complete surprise. Let us take as an example; eyes. Eyes can be so awesome. To further refine my example, let me tell you about two eyes in particular. They belong to my friend, Hastywords… from over at; https://hastywords.wordpress.com/ She is an awesome poet and writer, and her battle with depression has caused her blog to become a place where other people who suffer from depression can gather and give support to one another.
Some time ago, we started doing funny posts using Photoshop to mess with each other. You should do a search for them. Mine were awesome and hilarious… (Search ‘the Hastywords war’, there are a bunch of them)… Anyway, I spent hours looking at pictures of her in Photoshop so I could do funny stuff with her photos, and to be quite upfront here… I sort of fell into her eyes. But not in a ‘hey, I’m leaving my wife and let’s run away together way’. No, in a ‘I can see into your soul and it is beautiful and strong and sweet and wise and kind and you need to share it with the world’ kind of a way.
Well, as it turns out, I am pretty good at making words dance… despite being really shy… so I can just say something like I just typed up there. But a lot of guys aren’t good with words. And not all of us can say what we feel to women without it somehow getting altered for the worse when it dribbles out of our mouths.
And maybe that is why I love all the little old ladies I meet. I can flirt outrageously with them and they know I don’t mean anything by it. But I do love them. I find their wit appealing, I revel in their strength, their feistiness, and the history they have lived through.
I also have a weak spot for the underdog. Sometimes I see a woman who has been beaten down in life but hasn’t given up, and there is a beauty and a strength there… the unconquerable spirit of life and nature, and I want to tell them that I see the beauty, and so would anyone else who took the time to look.
And we have all been captivated by the girl with the quirky good looks. Like Barbara Streisand, perhaps, the girl who isn’t a classical beauty, and yet her spirit is conveyed in her looks in such a way that you can’t help feeling drawn to her.
I see these miracles of nature all around me. And it is easy to see a pair of eyes or a smile that are just undeniably beautiful, but even without these obvious signs I see beauty in faces and forms that by no stretch of the imagination could you describe honestly as beautiful. And I find myself wishing quite often that I wasn’t shy, that I was one of those guys who can just walk up to any woman and say… anything.
Society is making it more and more difficult for men to say any words of a complimentary nature to women. Say the wrong thing and you might get involved in a lawsuit or get a face full of pepper spray. And I fully concede that many men need that level of a wakeup call in order to learn the difference between a well-meant compliment and sexual harassment.
But every once in a while, I just wish there was a way to tell women how beautiful they are, how endlessly fascinating and delightful, how captivating and wonderful. You are all walking flowers in the great garden of nature, whereas men seem doomed to mostly remind me of weeds, slugs, snails and lawn gnomes.
So if I ever tell you how lovely you are, I hope I do it in a way that makes you feel not only lovely, but safe and cherished as well.
Now tell me and these other lawn gnomes how we can do that, please.
Pouring My Art Out 
I found for myself – I try to catch the person’s eye because I am not going to get close to anyone & make them feel uncomfortable. I only get close enough so they can hear me (I’m a bit soft spoken in real life), then I open my mouth & make a specific comment – “I love the color of your eyes/those glasses really suit you/what a pretty shade of lipstick, etc., etc.” I give the person a smile & look away so they don’t think I want anything more from them. If they wish to thank me or engage in conversation, then it’s up to them from there. I am not stalking them – I only want to acknowledge I appreciate something.
I did this once on a bus. I saw this same woman every day for many days & every day she wore a beautiful scarf to complement her outfit. Her scarves were so lovely & they took an ordinary outfit & transformed it into a fashion statement. One day I opened my mouth & complimented her use of scarves. A couple minutes later we both exited the bus at the same stop & she engaged me in conversation about how she started wearing scarves & where she purchased her most beautiful ones. We reached our vehicles & we split up, we never spoke again but we did smile or nod at each other on subsequent trips.
That is a beautiful story.
Oh boy. Well, I’m a pretty confident woman and don’t care much about physical appearances. That said, if I meet a woman who might be physically lacking in confidence, I always try to compliment her to boost her ego. Eyes, a cool necklace, a great jacket. I doubt many women bother to do this for strangers, either, which is sad.
How would I like a compliment from a stranger without being creeped out? Maybe a preface of, ‘I don’t mean anything by it, but I felt the need to tell you that I think _____.’ Or, ‘I just wanted to tell you ____, because you should hear it. I’m going over here now, bye!’
I used to be super hot, so I heard all the crappy wolf whistles and random car horns and shouts out of a car window when I was just minding my own business. That shit sucks, and someone who gives a complement and expects a response is asking for interaction – which doesn’t seem to be your intent.
Did that make any damn sense?
It made complete sense to me… because I also used to be super hot…
I’m still hot. Just not super.
well me too
Well, I hope I was some help anyway. When I bother to dress up and ‘put on the slap’ as makeup is called here by those of us who barely bother, I’m about 50% super. Mostly because of body parts that fit together in a pleasing symmetrical way. I am also tall so that helps a LOT.
It helps me being tall too… I can find my car in the parking lot. Also, I have spectacular legs.
Me too! And great feet. Probably because I don’t wear heels – I’m tall enough. I scare people when I’m in heels – which can be funny as hell but also painful as fuck.
I have size 15 feet… just throwin’ that out there
This is a great post. Here’s a trick about telling a woman, whom you don’t know, how beautiful she is. It all depends upon the context. If you’re alone with her for some reason, like on an elevator, that might freak her out. If you’re standing in line for a movie and just tap her on the shoulder, that might freak her out. If you’re in a dark alley for some reason, or on the street at night, that’s not a good idea. There’s more, but here are good occasions:
If you happen to be interacting with her anyway, such as she is a waitress, a cashier, a receptionist, or any profession where her role is not in the authority (such as a police officer, a doctor, a lawyer, since they probably want to maintain the boundaries of professionalism and not be seen as a sexual object but taken seriously) then it’s most often fine to say a quick compliment and leave it at that. That’s not to say that these women don’t want boundaries or professional respect, but the occupation is less of a competitive field and so they have for the most part less to prove. In a bar, it’s mostly always acceptable and usually expected, but then she’ll think you’re trying to pick her up. If you’re standing beside a woman and there are many other people around, it’s all right to offer a compliment, but depending upon the location, you might want to add that she doesn’t need to worry, you’re safe. For example, in a museum while both looking at the same painting, she might feel safer than if you’re both waiting for a subway.
Basically it comes down to the context of the situation, along with your approach. But I’m sure you knew all that. Most women, if not all, are always aware and on guard against the possibility of sexual assault. So a level of comfort should be established, naturally from the context itself. Also, compliments work better when some dialogue has already passed between you, for one reason or another, and the compliment just doesn’t come out of the blue.
Also, it’s best to keep the compliments limited to an overall compliment of beauty, or if you’re getting specific, it should pertain only from the chin up. Anything below the chin, including the neck, might make her uncomfortable. Even complimenting specifically on facial features can be weird. Let’s just say, limit it to eyes, smile, hair, the face as a whole, overall beauty. If you do feel compelled to compliment what she’s wearing, limit it to the jewelry or the color she’s wearing, because you can connect the color back to her eyes, hair, face.
Too much? Since I haven’t been writing Grimm, I think my comments will just keep getting longer. This is the kind of stuff I would write in his journals. You’re my venue now, Art.
You can all give up your blogs and just write stuff here… ha
hahaa yeah that would be great for you
yes, it would
you would be the blog master, and your blog would be your lair
it would make taking over the world easier
I think you’d fall for my long lashes, I’m used to people complimenting them, last one said I looked like a cow.
mmmmmmmmm…… dreamy cow eyes
(Flutters lashes)
oh my
If you aren’t looking to start anything, and really want to make a compliment that you don’t want to be taken the wrong way, precede the compliment with the following three words: “I’m gay, but…”
🙂
But that is disingenuous
I know, but otherwise prepare yourself to be sued for sexual harassment. There are no good options here.
Life is so complicated
This very frustrating. I find I hardly ever get the benefit of the doubt when I compliment a woman unless they are over 60 or the confident flirty type. As a result, I often refrain from giving compliments or making observations, even as simple as “That looks nice, on you.” I have wondered if the simple and natural addition of “on you” is what puts women off. “It isn’t the dress he is noticing, it’s my body.” Well…yeah, since the dress is on it. But the same color and cut could look like crap on someone else. I have commented while waiting for a crosswalk light to change and could sense the tension. I said nothing about their body but you would have thought they thought I had x-ray vision.
We all seem to be painted with the same brush. Do we notice breasts, butts and legs? Yes. Is that always all we are about? No. Can we sincerely mean the color, fabric, style, or cut looks good on you? Yes. Can we really like you hair color or style? Yes. Can we find you eyes enchanting? Yes. Can we like your effective use of makeup? Yes. Can you gracefully accept the comment? It would seem not. What is really so sad about all of this is so many of you ladies have negative body image issues. You will not accept and love your bodies. Yet you will do nothing to either learn to accept them or try to change them in a way you can love them. “My body is a mess in my eyes, but diet, exercise and the gym are too much trouble.” Still, we men/husbands can love your bodies, but because you cannot, our opinion is discounted and we are not believed. You know it’s not all it could be. We know it’s not all it could be. Same goes for us and our bodies. We can adapt. You seem not to be able to adapt but will not accept our being able to do so. The one thing that could be affirming is the one thing you (American women anyway) find suspect, frightening, offensive and invasive, a compliment from a stranger; someone with no vested interest; someone who will be out of your life in the next 30 seconds; someone who has nothing to gain by complimenting you; someone who has not complimented willy-nilly every other woman in the room; someone who isn’t/hasn’t been leering at you; someone who just appreciates something about you.
I KNOW we husbands can be neglectful about compliments. I do try to remember with my wife. Sometimes we husbands do better than others. Because of that, I feel compelled to compliment other women too. I seriously worry how many women never get positive comments or compliments from the men in their lives and I make an effort to give them for that reason if no other. It disappoints me when those comments are looked upon with suspicion and distrust instead of being uplifting. Many of you so desperately need and want what is so sincerely and freely given by some of us, yet you cannot/will not accept it graciously or otherwise.
I have never done this on another blogger’s post, but I feel so passionately about the feminine body image issue that I am going to make an exception. Arthur, my apologies in advance. If you wish, edit this comment including the following; I’ll understand and harbor no animosity:
https://youguystalkedmeintothis.wordpress.com/category/serial-posts/look-away-im-hideous-serial-posts/
I can feel you undressing me with your eyes…
I might also have gone with; my eyes are up here…
HA!
You can tell me I’m gorgeous ANY TIME. I LOVE to hear it!
Okay… you’re gorgeous…
Why, thank you very much for that unsolicited compliment!
you completely deserved it…
And I totally agree! (No humility here haha)
ain’t nobody got time for that humility stuff
Harrumph. You’ve never told me how lovely I am.
I am pretty sure I have…
I think there are as many ways as there are women, so no real help here. As Jessie said above it can be generational too. The younger folks have been all but robbed of the right to express anything like an appreciation for beauty in another for fear of crossing the lines of political correctness. It’s a balancing act and one can never be certain of the outcome unless one knows the woman well enough. I think you seem to have a good handle on it.
I think people can sort of tell that I never mean any harm, thanks.
Yep, you have the whole teddy bear sweet thing going for you
I do like the sound of that.
I hear that women like to be told that they have beautiful earlobes.
Pervert… HA!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think you just did it Arthur! Really a nice post!
Yay me… HA!
I echo Julie. 🙂
thanks
You’re welcome. 🙂
yay
Is this, like, 50 shades of Art?
(sorry, couldn’t resist)
On the somewhat more serious side, all I can say is that after over 30 years of marriage, during which I gained a lot of weight and wrinkles, my husband still tells me I’m the most beautiful woman he knows. How he says that with a straight face and just the right amount of sincerity, I don’t know, but he does.
And don’t ever tell my egotistic hubby, but after 30 years I still feel a little tingle when he walks into a room unexpectedly, despite the fact that he, too, is showing his age.
Sometimes just having been together for so long, and having surmounted all those marital obstacles and learned to understand each other, is enough.
That was beautiful… it didn’t really answer any of the questions, but it gave us all something to shoot for.
Thanks, Art. I don’t have any answers. I just know what worked for us. And anyone who’s been reading my blog knows it hasn’t always been wine and roses.
good point.
Just say what you feel. Like in this story. Appreciating people for who they are is a good thing.
I do try to do that… thanks
Wonderfully written.
awww… shucks…
💓
Reblogged this on Human Interest.
oh my
What’s wrong?
no… nothing… that was like a George Tekai ‘oh my’…
Hahahahaha I loved this post. I can relate entirely. I would love to tell women that they’re beautiful, but like you, I’m shy. Unlike you, my delivery sucks and they might take it the other way. I agree, Hastywords is beautiful and there’s something amazing about her eyes. I hope women and men get involved with this post.
I have done a few posts where we actually learn stuff… or they just go horribly wrong…
wow
I couldn’t click on the link
I think the difference with senior citizens is that back in the day, it was totally cool and fun to be flirty, even if it didn’t mean anything. There was no harm no foul. But given that I’m in my twenties, there have been too many times its been said but was never sincere. I’ve found through my own experience and my friends, compliments have been fed in order to get into their pants. Once that happens, every nice thing that has been said goes out the door unfortunately. So when we get a nice compliment and we can tell it’s sincere, it’s understandable why it comes off as kind of creepy because we don’t know how else to react. I feel bad for the men out there who genuinely compliment women and get labeled as weird because the times have changed so much.
I think this has more to do with the kind of guys who will say or do anything to get lucky and there have always been guys like that. I like to think we are improving, but I doubt we are.