Be on the lookout for this minion!
His name is Trent. He shouldn’t be hard to spot… he is Canadian… so he is probably riding on a moose and doing something unspeakable with a beaver. You might find him lurking around on his blog: http://trentlewin.com/ … which just turned 2-years-old… congratulations, Trent.
You are to apprehend this traitor immediately!!!
As you know Trent is… was… my head minion… well, he might still be… after suitable punishment has been inflicted… but by now you have hopefully read that post he did… the one I reblogged here… the one right there, below this post.
As touched and honored as I was to have him write a poem about me and my crack squirrels, I can not let this blatant disrespect go unchallenged. The words that condemn him are his own. He has hoisted himself by his own petard… and most likely enjoyed it, the sick bastard!
Read the post he did. Go on, we will all wait for you… okay, that was fast… you didn’t fake it, did you?
So I now intend to charge Trent with the following high crimes:
1. Animal cruelty.
Not only does he come right out and tell you that he wants to eat my crack squirrels, but he wants you all to join in.
2. Disloyalty compounded by calling for a mass rebellion and assault upon your beloved leader.
He wants you to smash my nipples with a rusty hammer, for crying out loud. Who does that? Is that a Canadian thing?
He also wants you to squeeze my head with a giant nutcracker… that one could have actually been worse, I suppose.
3. Bad rhyming.
Well, if you read his post, this one speaks for itself.
4. Giving out bad squirrel recipes.
It’s bad enough that he wants to have my squirrels served as a main dish… knowing full well that I rely on them to help me do my blog, the very method we are all using to take over this sorry excuse for a planet… but come on… read the part about garnishes… as if a crack squirrel would taste good with anything other than A-1 Sauce. And Canadians call themselves a civilized society.
Pouring My Art Out 
yes… we all must…
shouldn’t all this discussion be taking place on that other post?? I mean since it is clearly nonsense.
that is a darn good point
SEE???? SEE WHAT HAPPENS TO TRENT ON CRACK SQUIRREL??!! JUST LOOK AT WHAT THE CRACK SQUIRREL STEW HAS DONE TO MY SWEET GENTLE TRENT!! I will be in a fetal position in the corner waiting for him to “come down”
That’s what I say.
Well, and here I thought the job of a Head Minion was to softly caress the oh-so-soft underbelly of his beloved Supreme Ruler by injecting some life into his diet. Very well. I shall now hoist myself on my own petard and accept whatever maniacal punishment you have in mind… you know, that or I could simply become…. The Lone Minion! Yes, the Lone Minion rides again, fighting to smash the tyranny of evil overlords, wielding rusty hammers intended for their nipples while chewing on crack squirrel jerky the day through. Flanked by his beloved Admiral Gnawtooth, a superhuman albino beaver, the Lone Minion fights for justice wherever bloggers go! Beware my wrath, you revolting despots. Your time is short. Your phalluses are small. And soon we will beat your nipples into submission – make sure you are immunized. Oh yes, immunize yourself repeatedly, for all the good it will do to you and your precious, supple nipples.
Uh… you might bear in mind that without evil overlords, minions would pretty much be out of work… if you don’t count Starbucks and the fast food industry…
Starbucks coffee is made from minion meat.
the richest kind…
Support for Trent! Support for Trent!
Hah Art! You *think* you have the copyright on Cracked Squirrels?
Hate to break it to you – but Sorry, Nope. Canadians were doing all kinds of things with the abundance of squirrels well before your time and sadly, misinformed grandiose ideas! We are,after all, the Loonie Toonie Bunch — as for the Beavers – well, *they* hold all the ACES – and are the true leaders; even the cracked squirrels are really working for them.
So, as amusing as you are, on the purloined cracked squirrel ride of life, Trent, is, indeed, interim leader of all things cracked, squirrels, and general caribou!
Let’s hoist the new flag and reclaim this territory! Rise up Canucks and bow down to the Beavers!
Great post and rebuttal Art 😉 You guys are hilarious!
I hate to sound like a pompous American… even though I obviously am one… but if North and South go to war over this, Canada is going to end up being the new Frozen Gaza Strip.
Roflmao —- yah think, eh????
Never underestimate what a battalion or 3 or cracked squirrels, lead by the Head Beaver, as well as herd of Caribou, Elk and Moose can achieve 😉
See I know all about your secret weapon… from back when Trent was still loyal… the commando battalions of flaming beavers… we know… oh, we know…
You *think* you know, but don’t be fooled by the “innocent Canadians act” —-we have so much more arsenal and resources 😉
Trent revealed nothing of import when still loyal – otherwise he would not have been chosen as head interim leader by inabsentia Beaver.
sigh
roflmao —- perhaps it is time to set force with a truce party, with mulled maple wine, moose (don’t let them know lest our goose be cooked) and all things wheat?:)
As long as no squirrels are served…
Okay, we are a friendly and generously spirited bunch….
For revolutionaries, you mean?
Absolutely 😉
ok
Yes! Pat! Join me, the Lone Minion, as I beat the distended nipples of Art’s despotic rule with my army of crusting hammers. I see that you have great respect for the beavers – you know, the same beavers that eat crack squirrels for bedtime snacks. Here’s to the rule of the canucks!
Absolutely! We raise a bock (and buck) of Molson Canadian in toast (with cracked squirrel maple butter, naturally) in homage to the spirit of the devolution!
Ooooooo… crack squirrel maple butter. I would suppose I would have to melt some crack squirrel fat to create that.. well worth it. Molsons all around!
cretins
Stop making up words!
qwitenly
Whooo hooo! pass us some brews!
[as the witches 3 dance in glee in the Northern woodlands]
Is this a peace talks, a capitulation, or a victory celebration???
Victory celebration and assorted other oddities, of course!
A little early, I think. I already feel your leader’s resolve tapering off…
No —he’s just resting and adjusting – and he’s involved in top-secret hush hush hush puppy meetings.
I will inform the humane society… and the Mounties…
No nasty you must understand — besides, the Mounties work for us 😉
Everybody protects puppies…
Well, shouldn’t we/they???
exactly
Oh yes, Art – see, Pat’s on board. It’s so on.
Some people just like to watch a fight.
Woot!
Let’s do the math… I have over 2,000 followers… and so far, I think about 5 have showed some level of interest in switching allegiances… so… uh… I suck at math… is that good or bad for me?
Okay — here’s the skinny – dipping, no fat latte or just plain cuppa Joe — we’ll hold the cracked squirrel tidbits for later.
Of those numerous whomping stats for followers -how many do you believe *actually* follow?!?
Anyhow, the answer to the above question is moot.
Point is, all it takes is one to start the revolution and others to jump in – the lake, the foam or the blackness.
Hell, Laurie Secord single-handedly helped change the entire outcome of which war? 1812?? Or whatever – and I can bet she didn’t have chocolate all over her fingers whilst crossing enemy lines etc. Maybe squirrel burger ….
Those who can’t remember history are doomed to forget whatever it is that they can’t remember, no matter how many times it keeps happening… oh yeah… I might need to tweet that…
Uh huh …. and can you remember what you had for breakfast this same day, last year????
I bet it was cracked squirrel …..
[Brilliant!
But don’t let it go to your head.
You’re *still NOT* in charge as the revolution continues. ]
Well, I am pretty much in charge from where I’m standing…
Perhaps try sitting down then, taking a break from all of this hullabaloo?
Uh… I always sit when I type. Makes it so much easier.
well, that’s just not stretching your imagination or back muscles is it, then?
I guess not.
okay.
kay-o
I am just going to watch TV until this all blows over… what’s the longest war Canada ever had? We have had two that lasted more than a decade.
roflmao —- well, history being my not so strong point, hmmmm – war of 1812?, perhaps our vital engagements in WWI and II, or perhaps the longstanding war between the French and English (pronounced Hinglish) — yes, that is the longest one, merde.
Uh… I do know history, and the really long one between the French and… those other guys… you weren’t around for.
Yeah, like hell I wasn’t!
HA!
WAS TOO!
no yelling…
I’ll yell if it so pleases me!
…ooo000ooo…
roflmao —- are you going to send me to my room, or try to, or something along those lines?!
For all I know you are in your room…
Nope .. wasn’t then … am not now ….
Well, so you say.
You know damn well you are all too polite to actually rule anything… even if you win the war the peace will be your undoing.
I will rock that peace.
There has never been a successful peace ever.
This kinda happens with a dictatorship. I’ll decide if the British contignent should intervene, do you have any oil?
The driving your car kind, or the deep-fat frying kind… ’cause we got both…
The one that makes it acceptable to war over
uh… we have both?
We have tons of oil over here! Join us!
The kind you smear all over yourselves to fend off the cold.
That’s what we tell everyone, anyway.
uh…….
Join? I think we’ll take full control
If we can stop talking about the weather long enough
Let’s do it. Our next move will be to incarcerate anyone who ever talks about weather again. We’ll start with weather reporters, they’re always wrong anyway. See Art – I’m bringing reforms to the masses! I don’t recall you having imposed any enlightened policies during your tyrannical reign! Down with the Moustache!
Now you attack my face fuzz? You go too far, sir…
I read incarcerate as incinerate.
Either is good
But that would add to global warming.
yeah, I’m loving our long summer in Blighty
oh… right
I’m okay with that.
I think you might like my short story post about the bioweapon… when you are done being revolting…
I shall be there.
I will call a cease fire…
Yeah… you guys need to take Canada back under full control… they are running amuck…
Who’d notice if they are?
😀
well played
Sorry Canadian’s just jesting 🙂
now you gone and done it… you made Canada mad… and took some of the pressure off me… HA
you won’t like Canada when it’s angry.
What happens?
They cut off our maple syrup supply.
The rotters!
And then New England raises their prices… pancake eating becomes economically undesirable…
It’s horrid stuff anyway, I use lemon and sugar on mine, but then our pancakes are like the french crepe
It is tradition… like fruitcake at Christmas… nobody likes it…
I LOVE fruitcake.
You are what you eat I suppose.
HA!
I’m so confused! I thought Trent was my beloved leader. It must be that whole “Tart” thing.
He is the supreme leader on his blog… but here… it is all me… he works for me… and I invented the whole minion thing… and the idea of using my blog to take over the world… and hollowing out the old volcano to make the secret lair… and I buy all the minion chow… and pay the bills. And promote people… hint… hint…
You invent a lot of stuff.
Because of the crack squirrels… which brings us full circle…
Don’t worry, Michele, Art’s horrific rule and unsubtle photoshopping will soon come to an end. Vive le revolution!
so will your free food and housing…
Oh crap…
yup
That’s what I’m talking about!
hey now
What? I saw him right there in that picture with the moose and the beaver! Why didn’t you just grab him instead of taking his picture? Sheesh Art. Plus you know how loved Trent is.
PS. I did EEWWWWWWW his crack squirrel stew recipe – fyi.
Uh… that is an old picture of him… that I have hanging in my private chambers… along with a smaller copy I keep in my wallet… sob…
HAHAHAHA! what about that tatoo??
what about what tattoo?
I thought you had his picture tattooed on your…..oh nevermind.
He made me put that tattoo on him myself! It was a minion-ly duty, he told me. But it was not nice down there. I had to wear a mask and a face shield. But I got the last word there – oh, he thinks that it’s a crack squirrel next to the image of me, but no — that’s a propa battle-seasoned canuck beaver on his ball sac! Ha ha ha ha ha – the Lone Minion strikes again!
Okay, what happens in your tortured dreams down in your lonely minion room is not to be confused with the real world. I am pretty sure In would remember if anyone had used a tattoo gun there.
Don’t make me publish the photos! For the love of humanity!
I would like to see those… they will make me look better than you…
hey now
You’d best get used to the ride of the Lone Minion! We don’t need no education. We don’t need no thought control. We only need hammers. And rust. And the nipples upon which to make our mark. Present your nipples, you despot.
I had the squirrels gnaw them right off me… so now what are you gonna do, huh?
I thought that was sandpaper you used….
the method isn’t important
Bring in the beavers, lads.
Remember… all animals love me.
L.M.A.O …. I don’t know the guy, but I will keep a lookout. 🙂
Just report him to the nearest minion security officer. Hey… do you want to be a minions security officer? You might be the first one.
I’m too blond for that. 🙂
Hey… my girls are both blonds, and they are smarter than I can even believe.
Blonds are totally invited into our revolution! Not like that Art guy, he only lets in very tall people with moustaches and slavishly-obedient minions with terrible hygeine. I promise the best hygeine possible in my army!
Beavers are oily and smell funny
And have you ever personally met a beaver? They are remarkably well-groomed and quite intelligent – unlike the average cranium-living crack squirrel.
which makes them lousy street fighters.
LOL! I will give it a think over.
or you could just pick the winning side
We also offer minced crack squirrel and crack squirrel lollipops, if that sweetens the offer any.
Like my loyal friends can be bought that cheaply.
I say we dip him, a la “Who Framed Roger Rabbit.”
Just for starters.
Ah, I see, one of the residual minions – your infertile loyalty and abundant butt hair will soon come under the role of the revolution brought about by the Lone Minion! I promise beatings and moustache pulls for you all. And for Art, oh yes, one hair at a time will we cleanse him of his facial AND other hair.
Also, it’s better if you just join our side. We’re way cooler.
cooler… yeah… which explains the parkas… I guess…
Boooooo…. cold humour… the lowest form of mirth.
Once again, not in America…
Do you offer paying jobs?
well… no… but I’m not getting paid either…
Yes. Payments are tri-yearly and largely dispensed in the form of dried crack squirrel pelts to keep your loyalties warm and your hygeine up.
Nothing keeps your hygiene up like a crack squirrel pelt
I’d gladly follow your orders, Supreme Leader, but what if he hits me with his rusty hammer?
It is so rusty that the head will crumble… besides, it’s my nipples we should all be worried about.
I worry about your nipples all the time.
As well you should.
X, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about this. I was thinking, you know, that it was time for a change. I mean, you Americans are used to this Revolution business. In fact, you did it pretty successfully. Up here in Canada, we broke off our colonial roots without even going to war – a little lame, I know. But we could learn from you, and I do have an opening for a second-in-command in my army… the benefits are good, and I promise to rearrange the alphabet to put you first. I can do that when I’m leader, you know. As for your propensity for lurking in bushes and stabbing people, I would gladly give you the honour of dispatching our once-fearless leader. Anyway, let know when you would like to negotiate salary… oh wait, you didn’t get a salary from Art before? Really? What a crime.
your colonial roots are still firmly wedged in your backsides… and you tread dangerously close to the point of no return… I was keeping your bed warm for you… I mean, not personally, but there are some adorable female minions in there just waiting…
Hmmmm, that reminds me, I need to recruit some new bed warmers…
hot beavers?
Ok, first of all, I’m originally from a country that had a revolution which eventually turned it into the evil empire. So you may not want my version of revolution.
Second, I actually already came by San Diego, ostensibly “to meet Art in person”, but he must have felt something and escaped to Hawaii.
Third, a salary sounds pretty good, but is it paid with actual money, or something like beaver pelts or maple syrup?
ooooh…. what country are you from… that sounds interesting…
Wait, are there more than one evil empires?
oh hell yeah… I mean, historically speaking there are thousands… just on this planet…
I’m too young to have been a part of Mongolian, Roman or Aztec empire.
You could be from North Korea…
It’s too pathetic to qualify as an empire, but its leaders would make good evil emperors.
True, but it made the Axis of Evil list…
You mean your country turned into the New York Yankees? I’m a big fan. Except for A-Fraud. He’s a wanker.
Well, I think Art has a reasonable excuse for being in Hawaii, second honeymoon and all. But you’re right – the bastard! I mean, what kind of leader is that?
Um, well, I thought you’d be okay with the beaver pelts… have I miscalculated?
continually…
Well, no, it was worse than New York. Except the subway – the evil empire built some impressive and beautiful subways. Was also good with vodka and weapons, but I don’t have much use for these two.
oh… that evil empire…
yes, that one. And it just went into relapse again.
seems like
Beaver pelts might be ok, assuming those are not flaming beaver pelts – these just don’t last long and are a fire hazard.
They keep you warm… if you live in Canada…
Not yet, but Trent’s offer is intriguing, I admit.
Well we all have to pick a side in this fight… maybe I will join his side and make him write my freekin’ blog for a while.
We built this country on flaming beaver pelts, you know.
That explains a few things.
Um, so… I was wondering, now that I’ve got all the minions in line with my mock-revolution, if I could possibly discuss some renegotiation of my salary?
Yes… I will now pay you less… than nothing… HA!
I saw him lurking in the Canadian wilds, so, you know, buried under 15 feet of snow, mumbling something about bugnut posts making him feel feelings, the horror. I know that isn’t going to make a lot of sense to most, but luckily I’m the head minion in charge of research, so I can decipher for everyone: What Trent was saying is, “That rusty hammer up there in the example Art used, isn’t nearly rusty enough. The hammer I use will be much rustier than that.”
Well, I just sanded my nipples off… so ‘nerts’
That’s cheating!
He started it
And OUCH!
yup
We Canadians are civilized and Trent makes perfect sense.
The battle lines are being drawn…the revolution will be crushed!
Matticus, I sense the seeds of revolution growing in your mind. Let the seeds germinate and send their seditious tentacles through your brain, until they erupt through your ear canals. Look, I’m prepared to give you a promotion if you join my army. You can be Head Minion in Charge of Research AND Hammers. There is no more prestigious a title. And all you have to do is turn on little ole Art.. I’ll even let you have the first swing at his nipples. The first swing, as they say, is always the sweetest.
It has been awhile since Art has graced the kingdom with his presence. He’s always too busy to come for a visit. It’s a huge commitment to keep those crack squirrels in check and to chase all those minions around.
I don’t know, I don’t know…
I do enjoy working with a hammer, you might even say (channeling ‘The Shoveler’ from “Mystery Men”) I hammer well.
The first swing is the sweetest. That’s a hammering truth. A fundamental gospel of hammering lore.
I’m tempted…
uh oh
Tempted. I said I was tempted.
Maybe I’ll accept the best offer….
emotional blackmail… sweet…
I’m just trying to stick to my strengths here.
oh boy
Did I mention I hammer well?
Also… I probably live closer to you than any of the other minions…
Just throwing that out there as a curious bit of information….
True… right in between me and a Canadian army of misfit revolutionaries riding flaming beavers…
So, I’m either your first line of defense or I’m the first wave of attack…
Either way I’m first, and that makes me happy.
You’re number one!!!
But any gadgets you invented doing R and D for me are still mine, right?
Technically, you hold the rights to them, but possession is 9/10’s of the law….
I will remember this…
In a good way?
Are you threatening me?
Only if you go over to the other side… if not, then I am just promising to remember you in my heart for ever and ever… and try to visit more…
Who’s winning?
I like to hedge my bets…
I have never lost a fight with a disgruntled beaver in my life.
Three thoughts: 1) There is a first time for everything. 2) That’s probably because you’ve never had a fight with a disgruntled beaver before. and 3) I’d be less worried about the beaver than the army he is bringing with him.
An army of Canadians… they will never survive the trip through LA… they will get carjacked… vicious Hollywood agents will lure away the most attractive… the heat will kill them in droves… some will wander off to meet hookers or live as homeless people at the beach… while most of them will just become mesmerized by the swaying palm trees. Besides, our policies regarding undocumented aliens is so strict that an invading army will be tied up for years just doing the paperwork. And flaming beavers can only stay lit for so long before they become barbeque snacks.
Mmm, bbq beaver tail…
Great, now I’m hungry again.
And, you are probably right, the army doesn’t stand a chance in this environment.
This isn’t a revolution… it is an invasion.
Tomato/toooomaaaaatoooooooooooooooooh!
Toronto/Torontohe… HA!
I’m with Trent. We Canadians have to stick together. And besides, you pooh-poohed my recommendation to use blueberry farts as a weapon, and I was taken aback by that. So, your death ray minion has changed allegiances for a taste of BBQ crack squirrel. How do ya like them apples?
You are playing a dangerous game… Trent does this now and then, but he always comes back to me when the moose chips are down.
Ha! Moose chips – we have them here did you know? http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/newfoundland-labrador/moose-maple-flavour-combo-wins-potato-chip-contest-1.2159323 . You don’t scare me Art – I have a whole cabinet full of Moose Chips. We will never run out. Yeah Trent! Trent for Leader! Vote Trent! Only blueberry farts can save you now Art – and you have rejected those. (Oh, we are the largest blueberry producing country on the world – we will never run out,)
And this is exactly why revolutions must be quelled swiftly and with the utmost lack of mercy… also, I have a few aces in my hole… uh… so to speak… because, once you lose your high ranking minion status, you need to climb your way back to the top, and if you think the bunks and food are bad for the high ranking minions… just wait till you get to try the swill and accommodations the rest of them are stuck with… HA!
Trent is head minion. Period. It’s like being Queen. Once you are, you are.
Uh… I think I have a say in that… but I like your loyalty… misguided though it might be.
what? you don’t think we should give Trent, the head minion the moniker of Queen Trent?
Never!
We should rewrite that song… Royals… all about him… ha!
That song is about George Brett! Are you making fun of a Hall of Famer?
I have no idea.
Um, what I meant to say was, how about “King Nutcracker”? it has a ring to it.
Queen Nutcracker it is then.
Sigh.
oh yeah… struck a nerve…
sure you can call him that…
The army grows, Art. The Lone Minion rides again, a crack squirrel skewer between the teeth, a flaming beaver at his side, and an army of furry canucks ejecting blueberry flatulence at every corner! Your time has come!
Even I think things through better than you… as soon as you got your first disciple, your name: ‘the Lone Minion’, ceased to make any sense at all…
I had indeed not thought that through. But a simple name change can fix that. How about the Munificent Minion? Or the Most-Exalted Minion? The Masterful Minion?
Or just ‘Head Minion’… hint, hint…
Excellent, Paul, excellent. Let us canucks band together and take down this imperialist scum. He has held sway over his blog long enough, and now threatens to impeach me over what – a simple love of bbq’d crack squirrel? What is this world coming to when we can’t share our love of cooked crack squirrel? Revolution now!
I could just quit the blog, I suppose.
Well don’t do that! We prefer to overthrow you by force.
It isn’t going to happen… as soon as you hit Southern California, you will all die of heat stroke… or melt…