Here is another little poem I wrote based on biblical references. I was actually asked to teach the bible study class at my wife’s church for a while. I guess they wanted an outsider’s opinion, and they knew I would make them think about stuff and ask the tough questions.

It was fun. I had them do things like research a bunch of religions, take the parts they like from all of them, and make their own religion. Now I like my wife’s church. They are completely nonjudgmental. And they accept everybody. But a lot of ‘Christians’ these days, you know the type, the fundamentalist extremists that think everybody but them is going to hell, are just mean-spirited.  They seem to twist the words of Jesus around. The most forgiving guy in history and they don’t seem to be able to forgive anything.

And that got me wondering about the split between the old and the new testament. It is almost like the old God, who, if you read the bible was something of a jerk, needed to have a son just to make him look a little less nuts. That old testament God once struck down one of his own priests just for making a minor mistake during a ceremony. Don’t even get into the whole ‘asking a guy to kill his own son just to prove how loyal he was to God’ thing. Or the genocide that was rampant in the old testament.

I hate it when religious people use biblical quotes to further their own agenda against gay people or any other group. You know, the bible is full of rules. But I never hear the people who scream about gay people going to hell standing outside a church and saying that menstruating women who go inside are going to hell. But that is in the bible too.

There is one biblical law that is my absolute favorite. I think it is in Deuteronomy. It says that: If a man should get into a fight with his neighbor, that man’s wife shall not help him by grabbing hold of the neighbors private parts. I’m not making that up.

So anyway, all that thinking about the old testament moved me to write this little poem:

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Gettin’ Old Testament

If I have a problem with you

Don’t ask myself what Jesus would do

I don’t like to turn the other cheek

Wont inherit the Earth by being meek

The new testament is not where I look

I like the first half of ‘the good book’

Because it suits my temperament

I go straight to the old testament

If I decide you’re not being nice

I’m not likely to listen to Jesus’ advice

And if your behavior is particularly bad

I’ll come down on you like Jesus’ dad

If you choose to be my enemy

I will quote from Deuteronomy

My viewpoint might be a little narrow

I’ll plague you like Moses plagued the Pharaoh

If you ever try to steal my cash

With the jawbone of an ass, I’ll give you a bash

Inflict you with boils and a really bad rash

Reduce you to an old testament pile of ash

I don’t follow the righteous path

I’m more attuned to the God of wrath

I take the word right from the Torah

I’ll flatten you like Sodom and Gomorrah

The ten commandments say not to kill

On the tablets Moses brought down the hill

But if you read the fine print right

It just means don’t kill another Israelite

Don’t anger God on his throne in the sky

‘Cause he will smite you from on high

Tooth for a tooth and an eye for an eye

And I’m just an old testament kind of guy