Okay… this one will offend not only the overly religious amongst you, but the hardcore fans of the Beatles as well. There really is a part in the Bible where a guy named David, a future king, is trying to marry King Saul’s daughter, and the king tells him that before he can do that, he needs to bring him 100 Philistine foreskins. Yes, you heard me. I am not making this up. This is old testament stuff. Google it. Or better yet, read a Bible. I did, and I don’t even believe in religion.
As if writing a poem making fun of a Bible story involving religiously sanctioned penis mutilation wasn’t offensive enough, the following poem is actually written to be sung to the Beatles song ‘Paperback Writer.’ Try it…
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Philistine Foreskins
(Lead in harmony)
Philistine foreskins… Philistine foreskins… etc…
There’s a part in the Bible, where a guy wants a wife
His perspective father-in-law, offered him a knife
Said, “If this is the family, that you want to be in,
then you’re goin’ to have to go out
and find some Philistine foreskins… Philistine foreskins…”
David said, “I’m a nice guy, and I don’t like to be mean,
and I’ve never even met, a single Philistine.”
Saul said, “don’t make it personal, you don’t need to be their friend,
you just grab ’em by the privates, and slice a little off the end,
that’s how you get me those foreskins… Philistine foreskins…”
(Chorus)
Philistine foreskins… etc…
David asked, “how many times, does this need to be done?
I wont be hanging around, I’ll need to cut and run.”
Saul said, “a princess’s love, will not come cheaply, you know,
So the bride-price is set, you’ll need a hundred or so
of those foreskins… Philistine foreskins…
(Chorus… then trail off with more harmonies)…
Pouring My Art Out 
For THIS, you will go to hell, and there you will be eternally tortured by the Blue Meanies.
(I’m not offended in any way, I just thought that I should fill the hate mail void. I hate to see you to be disappointed.)
You really do care, don’t you?
Yes. I only started nitpicking that Russian name because I care.
About Russia? Or about me? Or about authentic real reality realism?
The last 2 things.
Thanks.
not “really” offended 😉 but I’m just wondering bible you read this in? Song was very clever though.
I can’t remember which part it’s in.
Thanks anyway
Well it’s King Saul and King David, so old testament… that narrows it down to just a couple chapters.
Haha right… just a couple 😉
Light reading…
Haha Excellent
I am just getting all my offending out of the way at once.
The Philistine Foreskins is the name of my new band. Do you mind?
I would be honored.
Hilarious! ~ Dennis
Thank you… I have more on the way… sigh…