More tweets from my crack squirrel-infested brain… ***may contain mature themes and language***

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*Marriage is only between a man and a woman… and a mistress, marriage counselor, divorce lawyer, and then another woman. And another mistress.

*Just got a check for $43.37… I am now a professional author…

*Come on… buy my book… I can’t be really funny in this tiny little box… I need space…

*If I could put time in a bottle… I would drink the whole thing and end up passed out in the future somewhere…

*No… my inner child can not come out to play… you should see what he did to this place…

*When you follow someone, it still pays to watch where you are going… and watch out for low-hanging branches…

*All the world’s a stage… that we are just passing through…

*Cheese and mushroom pizza… because it just sounds better than hot mold and fungus pizza…

*Hold onto your hat… if you aren’t wearing a hat, well, you are just screwed…

*Oh god… I cant find my penis… wait… my pants are on backwards…#neverdrinkingagain.

*When you eat out, be safe… use a condiment…

*It’s a small world after all… good luck getting that shit out of your head…

*Ladies, there is only one way to get a man to follow you forever… and it ain’t tweeting, that’s for sure…

*Some days, I just pretend you are all aliens…

*Shut up… my personality has a handicapped placard…

*Religious puns make me very cross…

*Sssshhh… let me help you slip into this new coat I bought you… now let me tie the sleeves behind your back…

*A picture is worth a thousand words… more if it is a bad picture… you ever try to describe ugly???

*Party till the cows come home… and then party with them… cows know how to party…

*100% of men lie about the size of their brains…