I started a Facebook campaign recently, running for the position of Supreme Leader of all the Universes.
And I won.
There has been some suggestion that my victory was due mostly to low voter turnout.
But if you do not mind a suggestion, there are some very good reasons why you might want to consider putting me in charge of everything. Just for a year or two. You know darn well that I will get bored being the Overlord and move on to something else. That’s just the way I am.
Here are a few things I will try to get done before my attention begins to wander;
1. I will take away everyone’s cars, and replace them with those bumper cars you see at fairs and amusement parks.
The advantages to my plan are numerous. It will drastically reduce our consumption of oil and gas, and curtail global warming. Billions of dollars will be saved if we eliminate traffic accidents. Texting and driving, no problem. Heck, you can drive drunk if you want. We wont even need lanes on the freeways anymore. If someone cuts you off, just ram them. No more road rage. I even believe that drive by shootings will become a thing of the past, because no self-respecting gang-banger is going to roll up in a clown car and bust some caps. And even if they did, they couldn’t get away fast enough to do them any good.
I realize that we would still need an effective long distance electric rail system to supplement this plan, and the transition phase will be a little tricky, but you just let me worry about the details. Also, if you are a fan of the show Top Gear, you will know that this idea was suggested on a recent episode, but ask anyone who knows me, I have been talking about this plan for fifteen or twenty years, so it is my plan.
2. Taxes will be based not on how much you earn, but rather on how much of a jerk I think you are. The advantages of this system should be obvious.
3. Sports figures will no longer be paid millions of dollars. They all say the love the game, so they shouldn’t mind. It is still just a game after all. The money we save will be used to pay stay at home parents and teachers.
4. All high school students will be required to show up early once a week at school, and help pick up the trash they tossed around, while the custodians stand around watching and offering helpful suggestions. They can also clean the bathrooms while they are at it.
5. All teenage boys will be required to pull their pants up. Or they have the option of replacing their boxer shorts with lacy pink panties so that we can all snicker at them.
6. The amount of time you get to spend on Facebook, or your blog, or talking and texting on your cell phone, will be directly linked to how interesting you are. I am sorry, but those of you who have nothing important to say will have to find other hobbies.
7. Corporations will not be allowed to be people unless they try to be good people. They have to help with the chores, be good listeners, lend a hand to their neighbors, and be responsible citizens before I will even consider allowing them to be people.
8. Hypocrisy will be penalized. If you claim to be pro-life and you are for the death penalty, you will be fined. If you proclaim yourself to be all for family values, but you are cheating on your spouse, it is going to cost you. If you are a person who brags about being religious and you use that as an excuse to look down on anyone else, or think you are better than them, get ready to get your wallet or purse out.
This next part is going to be tricky, because I know Americans like their guns, but here it is;
9. You can all own one gun. That’s it. Just one. Choose wisely. Oh, and did I mention that you can only buy one bullet per year… (it is called the Barney Fife law)…
10. You can not call hunting a sport. Shooting a deer with a high-powered rifle with a scope is not a sport. Sports never start with one team not knowing the game has begun. If you climb into a cage with a bear and a pocket knife, you can call that a sport.
11. There will be no more attempted murder charges. If you shoot someone and they survive, you will be charged with murder and being a bad shot. In fact, if you fire a gun anywhere within range of another human being, that is a murder charge, and a being an idiot charge on top of it.
To finish off this piece, I have two final rules;
12. Prejudice will be against the law. If you think that being the color that you are makes you better than people who are not that color, then keep it to yourself. Because if I hear you say that out loud, you are going to be arrested, tattooed some other color, and be forced to become what you despise. Same thing if you go around saying cruel things about gay people. The police will come to your house and dress you like a drag queen, and then glue that fabulous sequined evening gown to your body with glue that can never be removed. You have been warned.
12. My last rule will be controversial as well, but here it is; Politicians will no longer be allowed to run for public office.
Pouring My Art Out 
I love your rules! We just need to get lots of people to see your genius 😀 The one about hunting made me very happy as I’ve always thought it unfair to have the human armed and the animal generally defenseless.
I wish they had let me keep the job.
Me too! Your rules are much better than the government’s 😛
People just don’t like rules I guess.
True…
Not even good ones.
I vote for you solely based on number 5
At last, someone who knows good leadership!
I am so glad that someone who knows what he is doing is finally in charge. I feel safer already.
I stopped two alien invasions just this week.
You have my vote!!
Thank you. I will not let you down.
You have my vote if you ever plan to run for re-election. But it’s ok if you don’t. Personally, I think democracy is overrated.
But I wouldn’t count texting or facebooking as having something interesting to say. If you had Facebook account, you’d know it’s half vacation/baby/cat pictures, and the other half check-ins and games. Everything else is pretty much a rounding error.
I can’t fix it all in one day.
Love the Barney Fife rule! I’m not sure you could get away with charging someone with murder unless they actually kill them. So charge them with attempted murder, discharging a weapon, using your bullet frivolously & noise violations. If anyone is hurt trying to dodge the bullet fired, then the shooter has to pay all damages to people, buildings, etc. PLUS the cost of the police to respond, ambulance & all the rest & then add on the court costs to prosecute them & house them in jail for whatever their sentence is. I think you could get a better transportation plan, couldn’t you make us all just transport instantly – “Beam me up, Scotty.”
It is easy to come along later and fix my crazy ideas. Where were you when I was having them?
I think I was where I always am. I haven’t moved or gone out or anything, so you could have called if you wanted advice. We can make my ideas the first amendment because they would raise more funds to finance the supreme rulership! Of course, you’d have to appoint me as an advisor at a hugely outrageous salary!
Done and done.
If you had my mental problems, you would already know that I AM THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE! So you may be my puppet-king, if you wish. Next time, though get my permission, because everything is or should be ABOUT ME! 😎
You won’t even notice I am working.
Well, I can’t find your Facebook page at all! 😛
I will try to fix that when I am not where I am now…
Hmmm. I see…
It will all be made clear.
okay if Politicians can’t run for public office what would that make you, if you were in this new position?
I have never been a politician, so I am safe. And since we will not need any more politicians… ever… we are good.
i see politician in you
You take that back.
i wish i could but i’m not a politician so i can’t lie. 😉
bizzleflapps
drizzlesnaps
Those sound tasty.
they are
Nobody can take away victory due to voter apathy. Congrats on your new position! Pretty sure if all cars are replaced with bumper cars, I’d never make it to work. Who can resist one more go around?
The thrill would wear off sooner or later.
You’ve got my vote. Tragically I always miss voting days by several weeks, so you’ll need to make sure your polls accept tardiness.
I owe my victory to low voter turnout, so it’s okay.
Yay!
aya!
I pressed this and the response has been most favorable.
You are like my knight in shining armor… sigh…
Yeah, sigh. When I’m behaving, I’m a good egg.
I will be so glad when the sun comes out and spring finally arrives.
I am sort of on an adventure right now, and I will tell you all about it tomorrow. I will be out of touch today. But thanks for everything.
YAY, an adventure!
I just can’t say anything yet…
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Thanks muchly.
I’d vote for you. I was thinking about those gangs in their bumper cars with their one bullet of the year. You know they’ll try a drive-by. You’re going to need to give the cops something a little more zipped up to be abel to catch them. Maybe golf carts? Whaddya think?
Also, where do you stand on defense spending? I’d like to hear.
Since I run the whole planet… all the planets… I think it would be easier just not to let anybody attack anybody. Defense spending will now go to building a Dinseyland in every city and town.
Yay! As my son would say when he was little and spinning round and round the kitchen, “I’m getting disney!” Where do I put my ballot? I already have you written in.
Once again, I have already been elected.
I was thinking they could have the jet packs.
Oh, I dunno. I was married to a cop for too many years to know something like that would get misused sooner than later. But you are entitled to your opinion. After all, it’s your blog.
I will fix all the things I make worse.
What colour of Cool-Aid are you drinking? And….
Have you made enough for all of us?
Every one?
I think I love you today…..
Blue.
Yes.
I hope so.
Thank you, me too.
Haha Awesome! I would totally vote for you as Supreme Leader 🙂
Oh my gosh you’re going to make his already swollen head bigger!
lol what can I say, his methods would be much the same as mine…Hmmm maybe I should put myself in the running 😉
yes, please put yourself in the running! lol
sigh
was that your head deflating a little?
something deflating alittle…
ha
snicker
The election is over… and this is a lifetime position… however I am getting old, so in twenty years or so you will have your chance.
Hey, keep it clean.
don’t flatter yourself
bam!
But I already am… I will take that as a vote of confidence.
I feel like you may be getting a little nervous for my new found interest in stealing this position from you….Can you say mutiny? Mhaw Mhwa Mhwa…that was my evil laugh 🙂
I promise, I get bored quickly. The job will be open soon… and can you say secret police?