(First off, just let me say that I am shocked that my spell checker put a red line under ‘homophobes’… dang it, it did it again… it is too a real word. Also, a big shout out to the crack squirrels that live in my head, for letting me… no… compelling me… to sit in front of the keyboard and type whatever they tell me to type. I trust them, and so should you. Would a cranial crack squirrel lie about anything important???)
So, it came to me, whilst I was soaping myself down in the shower, as so many of my best ideas do, that racists and homophobes haven’t really thought through their bigotry and narrow-mindedness sufficiently… (I’m not saying this surprises me, you understand)… The hating and feeling superior part is the easy part of their problem… at least for them… it is the solutions to their (not real) problems that they are in short supply of.
See, the thing is… (you can always be sure a thing will show up when the crack squirrels are in charge)… that, while they are good at feeling self-righteous and assuming they are better than gay people or people with skin of a different shade than their own, they aren’t really that good at coming up with reasonable solutions to their indignation. As an example, take Southern white supremacist KKK members who bemoan the fact that there are so many African Americans. Hey, guess what would have kept that from happening! Having your own short-sighted ancestors not ship thousands of slaves here to do their chores for them. That might have done it.
Well, here is a way out of your dilemma, brought to you by a guy who figured it all out while washing his size-fifteen feet. Let gay people and people of other races have all their rights. Give them the same freedoms, responsibilities, benefits, options, opportunities, respect and pay as you have always had.
If you do that, I guarantee that you won’t hear from them nearly as much. They won’t be out protesting for more rights. They will have them. They won’t be demanding better treatment. It will be theirs. And they will all be too busy doing normal, everyday life-type stuff to have any free time to annoy you.
Then you can get back to just hating them inside your own tiny brains… or, if Trump wins, you can hate them out loud and proud… and nobody will care… because most of us will be too busy moving to Canada or New Zealand.
Racists have small penises. It’s scientifically true.
But I’m not a raci… uh… I mean… ummm….
I’m sorry, what do you mean exactly?
I never mean anything exactly…
You can come move here and live with us!
I would love that
So would I, there just might be a few other people with whom I just might have to run that by…
yeah… but the Queen will be cool with it, I bet.
She is pretty chilled…
I love that about her…
I love the way she looks on the toilet…
she has class…
coming out of her…
Rump-elstiltskin?
I got dibs on Art! Made up a room and everything. Plus, you got moose, Babbage? Even one? Huh? Yeah, that’s right, chum.
Yes I do, I’ve a lovely homemade lemon one in the fridge, so there!
Not THAT kind of moose! I mean real moose!
You keep real moose in your fridge?!
Ugh! Of course I do, I’m C-a-n-a-d-i-a-n!
Oh yes…of course you do…I have a number of free range lemon mousse wandering about in my back garden.
Grrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!! You pop over to this side of the pond man, and I’ll show you a real proper canuck moose.
Don’t they play ice hockey?
Sure as hell they do, eh.
You’re offering Arthur an ice hockey player in your fridge as a temptation to stay with you? You’d be better off telling him you do have sex with your guns!
I’m pretty sure you can’t beat this offer.
I bow to your superior negotiating skills…they could do with you in Syria.
I will bring the moose. Much of my negotiating skill comes from the moose. He even has a name. Walter A. Moose. Don’t laugh. He’s big. Very very big.
I have never laughed at a moose, and I have no intention of starting now. Does Walter have a passport? or does that not matter in diplomatic circles…?
he has diplomatic immunity… also, immunity to the common cold… and common sense… and the common people…
One is always in need of immunity to common people
I had my booster shots…
he walks softly and carries a big set of antlers…
they can barely do with him in Canadia…
I think I could find a moose somewhere in the continental United States… and a hockey player… and there are lots of flaming beavers in Las Vegas…
don’t tempt him… he once had sex with a moose that he just shot while being watched by a hockey player
That’s a niche question in the “I have never” game
he likes to get himself into niches…
He likes the fact that he then doesn’t have a choice but to go with it…it keeps his conscience slightly less dirty
he is a man of many moods…
And movements…I think it’s all the moose meat…
They do like to keep going… moose, I mean… and Canadians, now that you mention it…
but not on purpose…
they are not playing
he will be riding it when he picks you up at the airport…
I only ride moose naked.
that explains the rash… chaffing
what about flaming beavers? and no, that isn’t a medical question…
The flaming beavers are all his…I have a singed badger…?
that would go with chocolate moose…
It’s becoming quite the welcome feast!
I do like most English cheeses, just so you know… and most English Cleeses too…
They’re on the list!
yay
It’s okay… he drilled air holes so the moose can breathe
That moose is long slaughtered, dude. A haunch here, a thigh there… it’s all good. And yummy.
anybody can kill a moose that is trapped in a fridge… unsporting!
he keeps two in his bed…
He is Canadian…
yeah he is
moose aren’t real… I saw one at Disneyland… it never moved… well, a little, but animatronically…
Was there a beaver on its back?
it was a monkey…
mmmm… lemon moose… make a chocolate one, and things are winging in your favor… uh… so to speak…
Done and done!
oh yeah…
please don’t fight over me… there is plenty to go around… and that’s just my feet… also, it is unseemly… even though I do sort of like it…
You love it.
I said, so, didn’t I?
I’ll agree to small-minded, but you’ll have to provide some kind of proof that they’re thinking. đŸ˜•
I had to have a premise to hang the post on.
If you ask the the homophobes, gays have way too many rights already.
not the same as having all of them