Immediate employment opportunity available!
Now hiring trained manager/agent/personal assistant!
Low pay, long hours, health care available as soon as the websites start working!
Must be able to motivate and inspire!
Babies and animals have to love you!
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Seriously… I want to hire one of you to be my manager… and agent… and personal assistant. It wont pay very well, but it shouldn’t be that hard either. All you have to do is sever all ties with your family and friends, move to San Diego, sleep on my couch… when I let you sleep… and do a couple of other things.
Here is a list of your responsibilities:
1. Transcribe blog posts while I pace around the room like a crack-squirrel-powered zombie spewing weird ideas out of my face.
2. Help me edit, compile, and send to the publisher the next three books in my funny science fiction series… and then type the words to the next six or seven or more as I make them up.
3. Help me figure out how to do all those computer technical things that I suck at.
4. Remind me now and then to stop being so weird.
5. Hand me tools when I am carving a tiki.
6. Hand me art supplies when I am getting all artsy.
7. Do some light household chores while I am doing funny pictures in Photoshop… (although if I can train you how to do that too, that would be sweet)…
8. Be the manager of my vast ‘Imagination Empire’.
9. Market the hell out of my books… and I want creative ideas… get me some news coverage.
10. Be my agent in all business dealings, including the big, new book deal with the huge, famous publishing house that you somehow got for me, and make sure those Hollywood big shots don’t rip us off when they turn the books into a hilarious movie franchise… oh, and make sure they get someone cool to play me in the movies. And make sure I am on time for my interview on the Daily Show with Jon Stewart.
11. Sing my original songs with me while I play the guitar… I loves me a nice duet!
12. Organize all my stories, poems, and other writings so we can publish more books.
13. Keep me on my toes.
It sounds worse than it is. I already started some of these projects. There will be other responsibilities as well. It would help if my wife, kids and dog like you. There is a fish to feed and plants to water. If you can cook, super.
In return for all this, I offer the following:
10% of all profits from anything we sell. Hey, I have made almost one hundred U.S. dollars off the novels so far, so this could be a gold mine.
All the food you can eat.
A nice family to call your own. You wont be able to go back to see your old family, but we will take you with us when we go to the Bay Area at Christmas to see my mom and the rest of my family, and you can tag along on all our vacations. In fact I wouldn’t be surprised if my family ends up treating you better than they treat me, because you will be a lot more useful to have around.
Please give me a list of your qualifications in the comment section.
Thank you.
Pouring My Art Out 
Best qualification: I am crazy
You’re hired.
Have another kid
I would use Mollie but she is too busy.
Justin Bieber have a new album come out recently? I shouldn’t joke about awful things like that.
She has better taste than that…
I can do everything on your list except sing, will I get an interview?
You sure the heck will.
I think I can do all of that from here. With the exception of handing you tools and art supplies, and doing those light household chores. Can you go without those things? You get to keep your couch and the plane tickets to America! Does the all-you-can-eat still apply?
Plenty of experience in low pay, long hours and no healthcare…
Well obviously any help at all would be greatly appreciated… and I guess I could mail you boxes of slightly used food…
You mean biscuits with the gravy licked off?????
Yeah… that kind of stuff.
hey – are you available for a chat?
I don’t know how to do those.
If you have a bit of time do you want to have a go?
I just finished up… had a Girl Scout Halloween party here. What do I do?
I’ll try again tomorrow.
Give me some warning… I was busy today… sorry.
Sorry for short notice! My computer is too slow for it, I found out today.
On a lighter note – I’m into chapter six of your e-book… and enjoying it!:)
Boo and yay!
Haha – yes! More yay tonight!
We’ll see.
You’re right (abashed) I went to bed without reading another chapter. Too busy… must do something about that…
It is for your own good after all…
HA!!
Actually – I believe it is. It has been years since I enjoyed sitting down and reading pure fiction.
I don’t know how pure it is… or even fictional… but it is funny…
That’s what I like about it 🙂
Yay.
I tried installing the thing… the problem is I don’t have a camera or a microphone on my computer… so…
Aargh! o.O
There goes that idea…
Never mind.
I might be able to do it on our Ipad, but I don’t get to use it in the evenings all the time…
I can borrow my daughter’s computer…
I hate these magic boxes.
(sigh..) yes… they do serve a purpose though in this modern world.
I guess…
I studied art for several years, so I should be really good in handing art supplies. But I am not really good in editing, and totally suck at marketing – so all in all, it might be a waste of a perfectly good couch.
I might need to hire a group of people.
As many as you want. It’s not like you have to pay them(us) anything.
If I make monkey, we all make money.
Sorry my man, I don’t work for no illegal aliens.
Once again, the body I hijacked was born here legally…
And that’s the best you could find??????
It has its advantages… just sayin’…
That’s not what she said.
She lies!
Philosophically, is there a difference if one is motivated by others or self-motivated. If motivation is the goal…Darn, I was in home movies…Hmmm. Actually I was an extra in a Will Ferrell movie, “Talladega Nights”. I very adroitly played a redneck watching a Nascar race. I was a natural! I relied on Method Acting!
HA!!!
Thanks. We’ll spend our Kindle budget faster than a Congressman steals a dam project for his district and purchase this. Congrats on being published!!
I sometimes wonder if saying you are a published author when you self-published is like saying you are a movie star because you were in home movies…
I was thinking (“You just keep thinkin’ Butch. That’s what your good at.”) about that the other day. It should be an an inconsiderate insult to ask such a question. If you say, I’m an artist, do people ask what museum your work is in? They may ask what kind of art you do or what kind of artist are you? (Yes, Those are different questions.) You are allowed to practice a physical art without having to receive financial remuneration. A mental artist though, no way. What have you published? Where do you speak? It’s as if creating without sharing disqualifies you as an artist and devalues your creation. Why can’t just writing qualify you as a writer. I may be bad, but I am a writer because I create through writing. Tiny Tim had a not so great voice (showing grace), but he WAS a singer.
In the not too distant future, self-publishing may be the main form of publishing and the de facto standard. I wouldn’t worry too much about being ahead of the curve on that one. Just imagine if you did sell 10,000 copies of a ebook or s-p hard book and made only $1 per copy. How many authors can say “I made $10,000 of my last book.” Sounds like a published and successful writer to me. Just because we earn no fame of fortune from our endeavors doesn’t mean we are not creators of our own choosing.
Back in the day when I told people I was an artist and they asked if I had sold anything, I always gave the same answer: Birds dong sing because people like to listen to them.
Clever, but not much of a motto for success.
I dunno. How does your family treat you, and how much better would they be treating me?
They aren’t cruel or anything. They are very polite to guests…
Well you did say that you thought they might treat your assistant/housekeeper/pet-sitter/manager better than they treat you, so I thought I should ask. Are there any prerequisites? Degrees or previous experience needed?
Well you need to be smarter than me… so I have set the bar pretty low…
Don’t sell yourself short. Will there be musical auditions?
When stuff starts taking off, there might not be too much time for singing… and it isn’t like we are putting out a CD… it would just be for fun… unless we totally rock, then we switch over and start a band.
Unless you get someone who really can’t carry a tune in a bucket of barf. Then it’s not fun anymore. I suggest auditions. See? I’m managing you already!
I like your proactive approach. You just got bumped up the list.
Saahweet!
Well you say that now…
Oh. I don’t want the job, I just like moving up the list.
That is probably going to work out well for you then, because there is a job shortage as you may have heard.
I have heard. Which is why I should stick with the one I have. After all it doesn’t require me leaving my family or anything which is very generous of them.
But think of what you might gain…
Thank god I live on the other end of the country.
You could commute. I will give you time of for bad behavior…
Only if I can bring my 15 guitars, get Congressional recesses and Jewish holidays off. Do they have biscuits in San Diego?
Like with gravy??? (That’s the biscuits… not the holidays)… And yes to the guitar question.
Of course with gravy. In WV the definition of a diet is, “food without gravy”!
I had my first biscuits and gravy in Cynthiana, Bourbon County Kentucky, working on a tobacco farm.
Bless your heart (we bless a lot of hearts here in WV- I just don’t understand our rates of coronary disease). I spent a summer working tobacco and if I never see another 9 foot long tobacco worm, it’ll be too soon. Have you considered contacting the Kindle folks regarding publishing both your Sci Fi and Youngin’ book?
I think it is on Kindle, but I just had a book suggested to me with tips to spread the word… I am trying to work the angles … angels???… but I am just so bad at real life stuff…
Kindle, as I understand it, will actually publish you, but the financial arrangements kinda’ suck. I dealt a little with Tribune Publishing in 2008, but didn’t like their terms. OK, I need titles of your works so as to purchase the Kindle versions. I lied about the 15 guitars; some of them belong to my wife and stepson.
Well you will never see them again, so you might as well grab some of them… ha! Wait… let me check my sidebar and see if Kindle is actually on there…
Yeah, it says available on Kindle. My kid did all that, and I think she said they were the hardest to do and we get the least out of it. So if we aren’t moving any there, the next one might not end up there.
So far there is only Saloon at the Edge of Everywhere, Book 1 of the Otherwhere Chronicles by A. H. Browne. The kid’s book had a few smudges in the art work and one typo, so I had to resubmit it and wait for another copy… more sci fi books from the series coming around Christmas, I hope.
How big is the couch? Can the Queen and Little Prince come with me? We’re kind of a team. He keeps you on your toes (he’s always crawling underfoot) and she cooks and keeps me honest… I can do everything else, including the singing part.
The more the merrier… as long as they don’t distract us…
two more muses for the cause… probably
except when the little one is screaming… though, he’s always cute so he still get some muse points even then
You know I love kids… we are talking about kids, right?
Hmm. I’ll do it. And you know that I’m qualified enough, without a doubt!
Can you sing?
Yes I can!
Then you are on the list. We will get back to you.
I’m the superb candidate… you’re just wasting time by forming a list
That is the way these things are handled in the business world.
I see… just the formalities, right?
Of course.
😉 I know I’m in. I’ll keep your secret though… shh…
sigh