I tried to fit in, I really did…

Posted on August 16, 2013 by pouringmyartout

But this planet is just driving me crazy. I know that some of you did your best to make me feel like I fit in. Because you could sense that I didn’t belong, even though you never suspected just how far away I am really from. And I love you for it… although my interpretation of that emotion might be a little off base.

Oh sure, there are things about this world that I will miss. Dogs are cool. I like monkeys. And baby humans almost never get on my nerves. Music was an awesome invention. You should really get the patent rights on that before some other planet steals it. And I do like a nice fruit smoothie. And hats.

But for crying out loud, you people are freekin’ nuts! You go to war over the stupidest stuff. You kill each other for almost no reason. You are making a mess of your own planet. Your religions make you hate or despise one another. Your languages make no sense. I mean, how many languages do you need? It’s one planet, for crying out loud. And I will never really get used to blue sky and green plants. It just feels weird.

Besides, I have been here for 674 years. You have made some great leaps forward in that time, but it sometimes seems like you are fighting against progress. Let me just set you straight on a few things.

1. Money is not making your lives better. Friendship is worth so much more.

2. None of you, as a group or individually, are inherently better than anyone else, so stop pretending you are.

3. None of you has all the right answers, and only a couple of you are wrong almost all the time.

4. I know I said music was a good idea, but let me fill you in on another secret here… rap music is just regular music that you removed the singing from. It isn’t a new, improved kind of music. That is like saying that taking the engine out of a car is a new, improved form of transportation. And disco was not your best work either.

5. Corporations are not people.

6. Rich people don’t give a crap if most of you die, as long as there are enough of you to work in their factories , retail outlets, and franchises. And clean their houses and mow their lawns.

7. Farts are always funny… I don’t care where you come from.

8. Mild cheddar cheese is just surfboard wax with some orange food coloring in it.

9. Your religious leaders don’t know any more about what happens to you after you die than you do.

10. Your political leaders know even less about almost everything than most of you do, because they have never had real jobs or lived a normal life. Also, they don’t care a squat about you as long as they stay in power.

And last but not least, it actually takes less energy to be nice to people than it does to be an asshole. Sorry about that word, but your ability to invent new swear words is one of the reasons I decided to stay here in the first place. You call each other body parts and mean it as an insult. That is just so deliciously weird. Who does that? I mean, excrement and bodily secretions, sure. You have also invented more slang terms for the act of physical love than any race any time any where. That is f%#%^&%#ing awesome! And you use them as insults, compliments, exclamation points, whatever you want to. You guys are nuts.

So I am going to miss you, but I gotta see a guy about a thing. I am turning control of this body back over to the idiot I borrowed it from years ago.

Catch ya later.

Unknown's avatar

About pouringmyartout

You will laugh at my antics... That is my solemn promise to you... Or your money back... Stop on by...
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158 Responses to I tried to fit in, I really did…

  2. bats0711's avatar bats0711 says:
    August 17, 2013 at 5:29 am

    After this part:
    “Music was an awesome invention. You should really get the patent rights on that before some other planet steals it. And I do like a nice fruit smoothie. And hats.”

    I lost it laughing.

    Reply
  4. Isobella's avatar Isobella says:
    August 16, 2013 at 8:29 pm

    I don’t blame the commoners – they’re all brainwashed by something way more sinister than themselves and then they are blamed for all the destruction and pain. Really, if humans would have been allowed to evolve naturally none of this would have happened… the leaders are not our leaders. Nice post though 🙂

    Reply
  5. El Guapo's avatar El Guapo says:
    August 16, 2013 at 2:40 pm

    I think you’re saying those bad things about disco so we don;t care when you steal our disco balls and strobe lights.

    Couldn;t you take new wave music instead? Or at the very least, Flock of Seagulls?

    Reply
  6. andro54's avatar Gray Dawster says:
    August 16, 2013 at 8:31 am

    Did someone say the ‘F’ word? 😦
    Fart are ridiculously gross and stinky
    no matter where they are fired from 😦

    Eeeeeeuw…

    A million housewives every day, pick up
    a tin of beans and say, beans, means farts…

    Have a Fart-Free Friday 🙂

    Ansdro

    Reply
  7. joehoover's avatar joehoover says:
    August 16, 2013 at 8:08 am

    I found myself mostly agreeing and shouting “right on brother” to the mild cheese bit, it’s not cheese. (I agree with all really, it’s still not cheese)

    Reply
  8. The Muscleheaded Blog's avatar the muscleheaded blog says:
    August 16, 2013 at 6:00 am

    That bears repeating : Corporations are NOT people. Great post!

    Reply
  9. List of X's avatar List of X says:
    August 16, 2013 at 5:03 am

    “Farts are always funny… I don’t care where you come from.”
    I care when I walk into one. Though I agree, the farts are funny when you are the one making them. But, of course, I’m not always right about that.

    Reply
  10. georgefloreswrite's avatar georgefloreswrite says:
    August 16, 2013 at 4:18 am

    You are so wrong on #8! It is a delicacy and the perfect thing for making salads fattening. So there!

    Reply
  11. Shards Of DuBois's avatar Shards Of DuBois says:
    August 16, 2013 at 2:58 am

    ah hell, this place sucks!!! I’ve seen two spaceships, real fn alien spacecraft and both were big enough to hold me, so I’m fn goin! take that you little green fart!!! and my farts already smell nice, like springtime I would say, so you got no excuse not to take me!!! I don’t even have to try,
    they flow out like little rainbows… 😉

    Reply
  12. Dan's avatar userdand says:
    August 16, 2013 at 2:35 am

    Can I go too?

    Reply
  13. gibber43's avatar behindthemaskofabuse says:
    August 16, 2013 at 2:32 am

    What do you mean i’m not right all the time??!!

    Reply
  14. Trent Lewin's avatar Trent Lewin says:
    August 16, 2013 at 2:14 am

    I have to tell you, I’m a little bit conflicted over this. I mean, I generally like alien-human hybrids, as they seldom really make sense and have a sufficiently twisted sense of humour that sometimes I actually laugh at their jokes. However, you have made me realize that I have an inherent problem with aliens. I don’t like them. I don’t think they should be on our planet, sucking up our valuable resources, impregnating our women (or men?), and taking all the good jobs. I think it would be okay if we made a colony for them on the moon or something (dark side preferred), but they would have to have some really funky passports if they wanted to visit earth. And while alien farts may also be funny, they are a different category of gross than human farts; this is an issue that we should face head-on. Alien farts are unpleasant. I’m sorry, but I had to say it. Fine, I’m a racist. Go back where you came from alien, and let the madman who ran this site back at the keyboard.

    Reply
    • pouringmyartout's avatar pouringmyartout says:
      August 16, 2013 at 2:30 am

      You are going to love book three. I have human hating alien supremacists, and alien hating human supremacists… but in a funny scene that will blow your farting mind.
      Unless you are not just joking, and then screw you.
      Besides, I get off on a technicality. I am not so much of a life form as a life force. Just a small particle of hyper-active light and energy. When I took over this bozo all those years ago, he was a dying peasant farmer in central Europe. He wasn’t doing anything useful with this body. I just kept it alive. And since I don’t actually take up any space in this plane of reality because most of my physical self is located in another dimension., I didn’t violate any immigration laws when I moved this body around this planet. I always waited in line, got my shots, and filled in the paperwork.
      And for your information, I can think of at least three races who use farts to distribute their… pheromones, for want of a better word…. and the odors are intoxicating. One race communicates entirely through the expulsion of gases, and can make them smell like whatever they want them to smell like. So stop being such a hater.
      (Crap… I need to make a note to put that in book five)

      Reply
      • Trent Lewin's avatar Trent Lewin says:
        August 16, 2013 at 2:51 am

        Well that’s the core of the problem isn’t it. Some of the aliens out there are such low lifeforms that they actually utilize the expulsion of flatulence as part of their mating ritual. The conflicting objectives of farting and mating suggest that these aliens really need to be kept at a safe distance from us civilized folk. Also, we don’t take kindly to body-snatching. Just because some poor sot peasant wasn’t fully utilizing his physical frame doesn’t mean that you can just move on in. It’s rude you know. And also, you appear to have missed several legal precedents declaring that inter-dimensional existence and parallel universe residency does not excuse you from obeying our laws; just because you live somewhere else doesn’t mean that you can have your way with our free (albeit dirty) citizens. The least you could do is wash my dishes and cut my grass, as the sink is currently full and the lawn is a mess. I might even pay you minimum wage. But I won’t stand for any supernova-sized tantrums from the help, I warn you, else I’ll have you deported through the nearest wormhole, and will send some juicy human pathogens with you to infect the rest of your questionable race. Seriously, this is exactly what concentration camps are for. Round up the aliens. Shove them in. Prod them with sharp things. Do a few experiments. Then grind them up and combust their remains to provide electricity for the rest of us. Gives me a warm fuzzy just thinking about it. Plus it’s a very environmentally-sound approach.

        Reply
        • pouringmyartout's avatar pouringmyartout says:
          August 16, 2013 at 3:02 am

          So now you are a proponent of anal probing, because that always bothered me that you guys think people came all this way to do that. It is as unfair as the Native Americans getting blamed for tomahawks, which were traded to them by the very people who blamed them for using them, and for scalping, which the French taught them how to do,
          Also, your views on flatulence are so human-centric it makes me sick, Yes, there are races who excrete smells that would make a skunk slink away in shame. But bodily releases are used for many things, even on this backwater planet. Grossness is just in the eye of the beholder. If you want to know the truth, watching you bald monkeys having sex may be the single most disgusting act ever perpetrated between two semi-sentient beings.
          So mow your own lawn, concentration camp boy!

          Reply
          • Trent Lewin's avatar Trent Lewin says:
            August 16, 2013 at 3:46 am

            Well if you aliens are going to come to our precious planet, I think you should expect a bit of anal probing. Yes, we are not too gentle in this respect, but we are just being cautious.

            As for alien flatulence, is it too much to ask that you carry a bag with your to capture the more questionable of the fumes? Here on Earth we ask civilized people to pick up after their animals; how come you guys can’t contain and responsibly dispose of your flatulence? We already have enough pollution in the atmosphere.

            Please stop watching us mate, too. Yes, the various thrustings and bangings can look silly to an outsider, but I assure you that there is a perfectly good reason for all that activity. At least we don’t have sex WITH the monkeys (at least most of us don’t). And who are you calling semi-sentient???

            Reply
            • pouringmyartout's avatar pouringmyartout says:
              August 16, 2013 at 4:16 am

              In the first place, anal probing, if anything, causes more flatulence, not less. In the second place, you are the ones who invented ‘pull my finger’.
              But seriously, my description of the Xxo… Giant Broccoli… in the book giving birth by tearing himself in half, and then going on to describe how both the act of birth and the act of lovemaking by many species has all the gore and violence of a military maneuver… that is worth the price of the first novel all by itself.

              Reply

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