I was going to do a scathing rewrite of this creepy Christmas song, to try, in a funny way, to highlight just how creepy it really is… but when I Googled the words, I realized that I didn’t need to bother. The song speaks for itself. This song was written in 1944. You have to remember to take it the context of the times. Women were still expected to be virgins when they got married. Reputations could be ruined if a lady spent the night with a man, let alone actually slept with him. But even if we forget that fact and place this in a modern context, it is never alright for a man not to take no for an answer. And pouring drinks into a woman to get her to sleep with you is not okay… then or now or ever.

So, instead of rewriting the woman’s part of the song… (the part in the parentheses)… I am going to add some comments and observations into the song in red letters… because that just seems Christmasy…

Baby It’s Cold Outside

(Original Dean Martin version)

———————–

(I really can’t stay) But, baby, it’s cold outside

Ladies, trust your first instincts…

(I’ve got to go away) But, baby it’s cold outside

He doesn’t really care how cold it is…

(This evening has been) Been hoping that you’d drop in

Oh, he is just full of hopes…

(So very nice) I’ll hold your hands, they’re just like ice

Smooth move…

(My mother will start to worry) Beautiful, what’s your hurry

She is being so classy about all this…

(My father will be pacing the floor) Listen to the fireplace roar

Yeah, she has a fireplace at home, too… and it is obvious she still lives at home with her parents, so how old is she, anyway? Did you even ask, you weasel? (I mean, yeah, we all know that Lady Gaga is of legal age, but once again, am I the only person who is grossed out by the fact that Tony Bennett is singing this song to her and he is, once again 89 years old!!!???)

(So really I’d better scurry) Beautiful, please don’t hurry

Uh, she is in a hurry because you are making her nervous…

(Well, maybe just half a drink more) Put some records on while I pour

Oh come on, lady, I was so proud of you up to this point. Don’t put some records on while he pours, keep your eye on him!

(The neighbors might think) Baby, it’s bad out there

Imagine what the neighbors will be thinking when you stagger out of there in the morning with messed up hair and wearing the same clothes.

(Say, what’s in this drink) No cabs to be had out there

Okay, I am fairly certain that the ‘what’s in this drink’ line isn’t referring to an actual date rape drug, which probably didn’t exist in the 1940’s… but somebody should Google that. I think she just realized that he poured extra booze in her drink to loosen her up… but still… eeewww… we are getting awfully close to Bill Cosby territory here… and, dude, can’t you let her use your phone to call a freakin’ cab???

(I wish I knew how) Your eyes are like starlight now

How many women did you use that line on, you douche-hat?

(To break this spell) I’ll take your hat, your hair looks swell

Your hat is just the fist bit of clothing he is going to try to take, just so you know…

(I ought to say no, no, no, sir) Mind if I move in closer

Yes, you really ought to say no, no, no, and then knee him in the nuts and make a break for the door… screaming at the top of your lungs…

(At least I’m gonna say that I tried) What’s the sense of hurting my pride

Okay, lady, that is just the booze talking… and, dude, your pride? Are we supposed to worry about your pride? What about her reputation?

(I really can’t stay) Baby, don’t hold doubt

Baby, don’t hold doubt? When you say… or sing… that line out loud, it comes out: Baby, don’t hold out. That means the same thing today as it did back then…

[BOTH] Baby, it’s cold outside

He could just drive you home, if he really cared about you at all…

(I simply must go) Baby, it’s cold outside

Yes, we have established the temperature…

(The answer is no) Baby, it’s cold outside

There! She actually said it… and no means no… NO!!!

(The welcome has been) How lucky that you dropped in

Yes, he has been polite and charming, while pouring drinks into you, hinting that you might die of exposure or at least lose your toes and your nose if you left… and he is still hoping to get even luckier…

(So nice and warm) Look out the window at the storm

He doesn’t give up, does he?

(My sister will be suspicious) Gosh your lips look delicious

Ladies, if a guy ever says your lips look delicious, take that as a warning…

(My brother will be there at the door) Waves upon a tropical shore

It would be nice if your brother showed up at his door… right about now… and that ‘tropical shore’ line is just sad…

(My maiden aunt’s mind is vicious) Gosh your lips are delicious

I guess he is a lip man…

(But maybe just a cigarette more) Never such a blizzard before

Oh, great, now he has you smoking too… and, dude, seriously, what are you, a meteorologist???

(I got to get home) But, baby, you’d freeze out there

You know, freezing might not necessarily be the worst thing that could happen to her… 

(Say lend me your coat) It’s up to your knees out there

So lend her your boots too…

(You’ve really been grand) I thrill when you touch my hand

He hasn’t been grand, he has been a cad and a bounder. He is no gentleman. He is a smarmy, creepy bastard!

(But don’t you see) How can you do this thing to me

How can you do this thing to me??? Are you f#@*ing sh*##ing me? How can you do this thing to her?

(There’s bound to be talk tomorrow) Think of my life long sorrow

He has gone right into the begging, pleading phase of date rape…

(At least there will be plenty implied) If you caught pneumonia and died

So now he’s a doctor…

(I really can’t stay) Get over that old doubt

That old doubt is there for a reason…

[BOTH] Baby, it’s cold… Baby, it’s cold outside

The coldest thing on the planet right now is your heart, you walking, talking, life-sized phlegm statue!!!