An interview with Franzis ‘Tusker’ Barns, drummer for the famed hard-steel band, The Three Little Pigs. Interviewed by Harry Hoof, reporter for Rolling Bones magazine.

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Question: Where were you born, Tusker?

All three of us come from a little town in the middle of the back end of nowhere. It’s called Stockyard. We got out of there as fast as we could, let me tell ya.

Question: Tell us about your parents.

I grew up on a farm. I gotta admit, my dad raised some of the tastiest humans in the county, and corn, too. But you didn’t want to piss that guy off. My mom was a farmer’s wife. What is there to say about that, really?

Question: Who is your best friend?

I used to think it was the other guys in the band, but they’ve been all over my case lately. Now I’m rich and famous, maybe I don’t need friends. Everybody just wants something.

Question: Where is your favorite place in the entire world?

Anyplace that ain’t Stockyard. I like AngelCity fine. Got my big house up in the Honeywood Hills. But we travel all over the world now. We fill stadiums from New Pork to Parass. I guess I don’t really care where I am as long as I ain’t back in my hometown.

Question: What is your strongest trait?

Hey, I got a strong constitution. I played hoofball in high school. I can drink anybody under the table. I can do more of anything than anybody else.

Question: What is your favorite color and why?

Black. I’m in a hard-steel band. What the hell did you think my favorite color would be? Pink?

Question: What is your favorite food?

I loves me some human. I know, you might think that growing up on a farm and smelling those filthy beasts wallowing in their own crap all day, and eating them everyday of my life, would make me sick of them. But I just can’t get enough. I like my human crispy. Smelling them cooking, hearing them sizzling in the pan, makes my snout drool just thinking about it.

Question: What is your favorite pastime?

Look, I’m a megastar. I can do whatever the hell I want. I got money. I got a jet. I know all the famous pigs. I don’t have a lot of free time, know what I’m saying? But I have some hobbies that keep me busy. I like to go shoot my guns. And I do some stuff you don’t need to know about.

Question: Do you like how your author portrayed you?

What, that Arthur Browne guy? What a jerk. He made me a loser in the story. That isn’t the way it happened at all. Hell, a human could write better than that.

Question: Tell us about the first time you fell in love.

I don’t even remember, you know? I was a hoofball star before I was a rock star. You know the sows love that. I don’t even remember the first time I… you know… but I did okay back in the day.

Question: If you had one wish, what would it be?

Seriously? You call that a question? I can get anything I want? Do anything I want. With anybody or to anybody. I thought you were from a freekin’ rock magazine. You ask questions like you write for some teen mag. I ain’t got time for this.

Question: What words of wisdom would you offer to people today?

Don’t waste your money buying this stupid piece of crap magazine. I’m out of here.

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In case you haven’t figured it out yet, this is all part of our book launch tour for: ‘Across the Threshold, an anthology of tales, myths, and legends’. That interview introduces you to the main character from my story.

I am very proud to have been included in this book. I really need to stick it in my sidebar with a link… you know, because Christmas is almost here, and it would make a nice gift… along with those books I wrote all by myself… but I may need help with that… because I am a computer moron.

But you should get this book. And you should check out the talented bloggers who contributed to it:

http://daishakorthbooks.com/ Daisha

http://allewaybooks.com/ Cheryl

http://dairyairhead.com/ Jeriann

http://silverthenovel.com/ Kristen

https://www.facebook.com/fmcgovern3?fref=ts Frank