But this planet is just driving me crazy. I know that some of you did your best to make me feel like I fit in. Because you could sense that I didn’t belong, even though you never suspected just how far away I am really from. And I love you for it… although my interpretation of that emotion might be a little off base.
Oh sure, there are things about this world that I will miss. Dogs are cool. I like monkeys. And baby humans almost never get on my nerves. Music was an awesome invention. You should really get the patent rights on that before some other planet steals it. And I do like a nice fruit smoothie. And hats.
But for crying out loud, you people are freekin’ nuts! You go to war over the stupidest stuff. You kill each other for almost no reason. You are making a mess of your own planet. Your religions make you hate or despise one another. Your languages make no sense. I mean, how many languages do you need? It’s one planet, for crying out loud. And I will never really get used to blue sky and green plants. It just feels weird.
Besides, I have been here for 674 years. You have made some great leaps forward in that time, but it sometimes seems like you are fighting against progress. Let me just set you straight on a few things.
1. Money is not making your lives better. Friendship is worth so much more.
2. None of you, as a group or individually, are inherently better than anyone else, so stop pretending you are.
3. None of you has all the right answers, and only a couple of you are wrong almost all the time.
4. I know I said music was a good idea, but let me fill you in on another secret here… rap music is just regular music that you removed the singing from. It isn’t a new, improved kind of music. That is like saying that taking the engine out of a car is a new, improved form of transportation. And disco was not your best work either.
5. Corporations are not people.
6. Rich people don’t give a crap if most of you die, as long as there are enough of you to work in their factories , retail outlets, and franchises. And clean their houses and mow their lawns.
7. Farts are always funny… I don’t care where you come from.
8. Mild cheddar cheese is just surfboard wax with some orange food coloring in it.
9. Your religious leaders don’t know any more about what happens to you after you die than you do.
10. Your political leaders know even less about almost everything than most of you do, because they have never had real jobs or lived a normal life. Also, they don’t care a squat about you as long as they stay in power.
And last but not least, it actually takes less energy to be nice to people than it does to be an asshole. Sorry about that word, but your ability to invent new swear words is one of the reasons I decided to stay here in the first place. You call each other body parts and mean it as an insult. That is just so deliciously weird. Who does that? I mean, excrement and bodily secretions, sure. You have also invented more slang terms for the act of physical love than any race any time any where. That is f%#%^&%#ing awesome! And you use them as insults, compliments, exclamation points, whatever you want to. You guys are nuts.
So I am going to miss you, but I gotta see a guy about a thing. I am turning control of this body back over to the idiot I borrowed it from years ago.
Catch ya later.