I have decided that my idea to get you to pay me to keep hounding you to write that great novel… you know, if the NaNoWriMo people aren’t up to the task… was thinking too small on my part. So I have expanded upon the idea. Yes, I will still pester you to write your novel… for a mere $10.00 per month… but why stop there?
Here is an updated list of my special services and how much each will cost you on a monthly basis. I will relentlessly harass you… in a good and supportive way… right up until the time you let both of us down and drop the ball and I have to get all ‘boot camp drill instructor’ on your lazy ass.
I will:
Make sure you have been going to the gym, or at least getting some sort of exercise- $15.00
Make sure you are eating a healthy diet and not overdoing it- $10.00
(You may combine those two for only $20.00)
Make sure you have been doing your chores and keeping your house clean- $8.00
Make sure you haven’t been slipping back into bad habits such as alcoholism or drug use- $30.00
Make sure you did your very best blog post, on time and on schedule- $30.00
Make sure you read my latest blog posts, and encourage you to go back and read my whole blog from the very beginning- $5.00
Just get in touch with you to remind you that you are special and that I love you very much- oh come on… how can you put a price on that? Let’s call it $10.00
******************
For these small sums, I will email you twice a day… or more, if you prove to be stubborn… and I will call you on the phone once every two or three days for a personal follow-up… if you want me to, and trust me with your phone number… but if you live far away, you need to reimburse me for the phone charges.
Pouring My Art Out 
But you already show up in my email box 6 or 7 times a day for nothing! Why would I pay you? You told me just a couple posts ago I am brilliant & beautiful, so I already feel good. Sorry, you gave away too much. Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free? Beth you never thought you (as a man) would ever hear those words uttered did you?
Oh… I gave away a lot of milk in my day… HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sounds reasonable. Sign me up… but no exercise I get enough exercise jumping to conclusions and doing 12 oz curls. And don’t bug me about what I eat. I don’t have my very own personal blog so we don’t have to worry about that. How bout $25/month to be my friend? The rate might have to go down dependiing on how many friend I might get out of this comment. I do have a budget to stick to you know?
friends. How many friends I might get out of this comment. friendS.
How many friends can you afford to buy for $25.00 a month?
one. Just you Arthur. If I want more, I will have to divide the budget accordingly.
divide and conquer
My only concern would be the quality of my friends. You know if I got like 50 of em. That would only be $6/year for each. (see? see how I did that math?! I am so proud of me! Especially if it is correct!) Probably won’t be real top notch kind….
So you could use $25.00 to get 250 friends for one year… but they will not be high quality friends.
Exactly. That is my fear. Too many friends.
They can be distracting
Well I hate to put myself out of work, but I might be willing to do that job for free… no wonder I am such a failure.
That is exactly opposite of the truth my friend.
well played
Can you keep me from stealing third? I like to steal third.
This puts me in a terrible quandary… a catch 44… I would be a good life coach but a bad baseball coach…
Where do you take third?? GOGOGOGOGOGOGO!!!!
Oh yeah… two girls talking about getting to third base right here on my blog… can it get any better than this?
Nice idea and reasonable rates. Two questions…Do you accept cheques? And will you text instead of call? I have phonecall phobia…but I’m working on that. I might have to fire that life coach, though.
Texting will be fine…
Um, are you posting like every five minutes right now? I love you and all, and treasure that sunglass’d visage everytime I look into the reader, but come onnnnnnnnn…
Just kidding. So when I read this post, I took the “-“‘s to mean minus… I interpret this as you paying me everytime one of these services are rendered. I’m strangely ok with that.
I love that you are such a dreamer.
Dream hard, rage hard.
dream semi… rage semi…
As it happens…
that was some of my best work…
Oh boy…
yup
And have I ever mentioned that it just tickles me when you act all grownup and independent… but you will always be my little minion to me…
Did someone say TICKLES????
How come people can’t tickle themselves? Please explain.
It is actually possible… just very unrewarding
Also slightly unsavory and borderline weird.
true enough
tru dat yo
…ooo000ooo…
Hmm…these low prices give me the unmistakable feeling that you’re going to outsource these reminders to some other underdeveloped country that has no minimum wage restrictions, running water, electricity, or central heating. Like Canada.
HA! But no… I am sort of hoping that volume will make up for my reasonable rates.
How much will you charge me to make sure that Puppy Cody doesn’t, in fact, catch and eat those squirrels in my back yard?
I don’t see that on the list.
Oh, so it’s free, then.
Or, maybe you’d rather she ate those squirrels?
If they are crack squirrels she will never catch them, and if they aren’t, they can still take care of themselves.
Yeah, I think she’s finding that out. There’s one squirrel that actually teases her – hangs halfway down the telephone pole until she gets close, then twitches its little tail and runs to the top of the pole. When there were pears on the tree, the squirrel would sit on a branch and throw pears down at Cody. I kid you not – it’s an evil little thing.
Wait till she actually catches one… it’s going to be ugly