***WARNING… this post contains bad words… but don’t read it just because of that…***

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*I could tell you the meaning of life… but then I would have to kill you…

*It is better to age and forget stuff than to never have been smart at all…

*My inner child wants your inner child to come out and play…

*When you are adrift, you don’t need an anchor… you need a sail…

*I tried to dance like I just don’t care… but it turns out I really don’t care…

*My eyes are up here! But hey, I don’t blame you…

*Never be afraid to say ‘shut up’ to stupid people…

*I like to sing ‘He’s got the whole world in his hands’… when I use public urinals…

*Calling myself an author when I self-published… is that like saying you are a movie star because you were in some home videos?

*Oh, go ahead… put all your eggs in one basket… just don’t drop the freakin’ basket…

*I got a monkey on my back… good thing I like monkeys…

*Being an author is hard… especially when you can’t smell… uh… spell…

*I once had to squeeze myself out of a woman’s private parts, and I don’t even know the woman… oh… did I mention that I’m adopted?

*I can’t define pornography… but I know it when I buy it…

*You are just weird… do you have human heads in your freezer?

*Do you know why your poop is tapered at the ends? So your asshole doesn’t slam shut…

*I was going to follow Paris Hilton… but there are too many guys waiting to get in…

*You can unfollow me… but you are still going to wonder where I go next… ha!

*When you don’t have your head up your ass, the view is a lot better… and so is the air quality…

*That popping sound was me pulling my head out of my ass… hey… does my head smell funny to you?

*If you don’t want to pull your head out of your own ass, can you at least remove it from mine?