A true story…
So about two or three years ago, I tried playing my first MMO… I think that stands for Massive Multiplayer Online game… but you all know I am a computer moron. I payed 50 bucks for the Conan game, and I was pretty excited. You all know I love that crazy barbarian.
But you also know that my computer is a pile of crap, and I am sort of an idiot when it comes to the magic box. So I had a little trouble right from the start. There is this thing called ‘frame rate’, which, if I understand what people told me, is how fast the pictures refresh on your screen and hence how fast your graphics can move the game along. Some people with high-end machines had frame rates in the hundreds. I guess 60 or 70 frames per second was considered just enough to get by. My frame rate bounced around between 6 and 8. What does that mean? It means that I would tell my barbarian character I created… his name was Artan, a clever cross between Arthur and Conan… to walk somewhere, and about five or ten seconds later he would flicker and suddenly be a little way down the path or the street. It was horrible, but I stuck with it.
Lots of people took advantage of my weakness, and killed me. Sometimes I was dead before I even saw the person attacking me. There are a lot of people who play these games who just go around killing other players for the fun of it, but I wasn’t really a challenge. So I joined a guild, a group of players who took pity on me and protected or at least avenged me. They helped me on quests to get new gear, and they were really nice, just like many of you have helped me with my blog.
I wasn’t much good in a battle, but you know I can be funny, so I spent most of my time doing funny comments in the comment box, sort of like I do here. I was like the court jester for our guild.Before I gave up on the game, I actually got to level 72, which considering my computer problems, astounded a lot of people.
One day I was running around in some not too dangerous woods, collecting stuff for crafting something. I was actually doing something on my own, so I wasn’t paying too much attention to the guild chatter. In between hunting wolf pelts or digging up silver, I started to notice that one of my guild friends was typing some sort of weird stuff into the conversation box, so I started watching more closely. He was always sort of a funny guy, so at first I thought he was just messing around typing funny things to amuse me. But his typing was getting worse and worse, so I started to ask him questions about what was going on. He was very vague, and then his typing started to just look like random letters and I was getting worried. I started asking serious questions to see if anything was wrong.
It took a while to put it all together, but there were hints about some medications for depression and booze. I told him that I grew up in Berkeley in the 60’s and 70’s and I had a lot of friends that were dead or crazy because of mixing intoxicants, and if he was just joking I would be seriously mad. But his typing degenerated into gobbledygook. So I started sending messages to some of the guild leaders. They all assured me that he was just messing around. But I persisted, stating my expertise and saying that nobody making a joke would mention a specific type and amount of hard liquor and medication for depression. At last I got someone to listen to me, and they contacted the representatives of the game itself.
The game company was in a very awkward situation. They had access to the guy’s account info, so they knew where he lived, somewhere in the North East part of the United States. Some brave executive took it upon himself to try to contact this troubled 20-something year-old, and he didn’t answer. So they took the risky step of calling the police and an ambulance to go to his house. In whatever state he lived in, the ambulance crew could not just burst in without permission. But while they were pounding on this guy’s door, his younger brother came home from school and let them in. The guy was in a coma from a combination of a prescription drug for depression and booze. They got him to the hospital on time, but barely.
A few days later the guy came back into the game and told everybody what I had done, and thanked me. I just replied that it was the least a barbarian could do. But I definitely had a reputation in the game. I have saved lives in real life before, but this was the weirdest combination of reality and fantasy I can even imagine.
So once again I say, when an emergency comes knocking at your door, ask yourself this question:
What would Conan do?
Pouring My Art Out 
You’re a hero like Conan. He was a good Barbarian wasn’t he?? But too much digital consumption is not good. That guy was very lucky that day
It was a weird thing all the way around
Wow, You saved his life!~ It’s a good story and a warning to others as well
yay… thanks so much.
Woah! What a tale, I never thought I could be moved by an MMO in this way, you and Conan make an excellent team, you’re like Starsky and Hutch, Batman & Robin, salt and vinegar, nachos and cheesy jalapenos – you’re both quite a pair is what I am saying and you came up trumps to save a life in real life! This was better than the virtual reality plot of The Matrix, you should pitch it to the Wachowski Brothers! Hollywood beckons and you’ll have to change your blog to “PouringmyConarianout”.
Thanks. I do posts about Conan all the time. He is my hero. The book Conan, not the movie one. Glad you liked my story, but I admit that I did feel a little like a hero at the time.
So COOL! You know how I love a Happy Ending!
You like it when I write. I love that. Some people just look at the pictures… what is this, Playboy magazine?
You’re a talented writer and I have impeccable taste!
We rock!
You are doing a way good job working on your karma…and it is my personal opinion that the more people deal in the moving of events to the positive, the better the overall vibes of the world. Keep it up. The world’s vibes need all the help they can get.
Don’t wear polyester… however you spell that, because it bounces your karma back like a microwave oven. Thank you.
How wonderful that your persevered — you made a huge difference that night, and if you never do another important thing, you will have already filled your requirement. He is a lucky guy, and you are a conscientious (sp?) barbarian. Way to go, Artan.
And I’m sorry I didn’t respond sooner — I’ve been at Mom’s, and this is the first minute I’ve had to answer my mail.
/?
Thank you. And don’t worry. You just walked in during one of my little experiments to try to boost readership. I like to try these things, see what happens. It is all just fun and games.
Well, I was saved once by someone hearing oddity in my voice. Turned out I was having an insulin reaction, and if the other person hadn’t called 911, who knows what would’ve happened. Good for you!
Was it Conan… or at least a barbarian?
My sister, actually, but she’s something of a barbarian if you ask very nicely!
Ooohhh, I like a woman with a little barbarian inside her… wait, that sounded wrong…
Hahahahahahahahaha — Big Belly Laugh!
Oh yeah, the rare BBL… I am on fire… thank you.
😎
okay everyone, comment on this post or his brain is gonna bust…
I have moved on. I made my point.
after all my hard work commenting??? yeash!
I get bored… it is what makes me special.
yeah special all right…
I have my own bus and everything… and a helmet.
a straight jacket?
Only on weekends.
ummm…
mmmmmu…
possibly needed more often…
That’s what the cows say.
moo
I mean Chinese cows.
moi?
French cows???
yes yes that’s what i meant…lol
omo… dyslexic cow.
woc
Precisely.
Sorry I’ve been crap about keeping up lately.
I got a little teary eyed reading this. You rule.
Also, I’m totally stressed out with moving, so everything makes me cry. But this is still an awesome story.
No stress… no worries. As long as you come back some day.
Oh, absolutely. But trying to get everything packed and cleaned with 4 kids
getting in the wayhelping is…difficult.I feel your pain.
I loves me some Conan. The books never disappoint.
Oooohhh… I like you already. I have done a lot of posts with Conan themes, and original artwork, including a Conan comic I drew when I was young. If you ever get bored, try searching my old posts for the word Conan. You might just be amused.
Coolness!
Thanksness…
Dude, that is awesome! Thank you for saving that guy’s life! I am so glad you made them listen to you and do something about it. That guy could have died!
(found your blog from the dodisharkicorn award). And then I had to see what you were talking about. Comment city.
I am sorry you stepped into the middle of my blatant attempt to manipulate people into reading my stroy, but I am glad to have you for however long you stay. I am so proud of those dodisharkicorn images I did, and I am glad they used them.
No worries, I enjoyed it!
I am glad you didn’t get caught in the crossfire. Or crossbowfire, to coin a more Conany phrase.
Great story. It’s always better to be safe than sorry when it comes to a life. You know you’re better than Conan now right? He never saved someone who wouldn’t have sex with him.
Be proud Sir Arthur, you saved a life.
He would and he did. Read the books and the comics. He was a real hero, dammit. But thanks.
Did you hear the lamenting of the women as well? 🙂 Cool story though…
OOOhhh… you know something about Conan… that is always a good sign. And thank you.
I never do anything based on what Conan O’Brian might do…
He is a bad person to base your life on… but that Craig Ferguson is pretty good.
I’m more of a What Would Jimmy Fallon Do kinda guy… 🙂
I like him sometimes and then not others.
comment
Ha…sigh…hmmmm…huh???
😉
You have a +5 Staff of Koada’s Endless Intellect! I know that’s EverQuest, and is an enchanter spell, and is for refreshing mana, but still, you have it.
That should come in handy.
Fantastic story, that is one lucky role-paying geek
Us barbarian geeks gotta stick together.
You’re going to hate me if you don’t already. It’s MMO not MOM, it would be Massive Multiplayer Online game. Or MMORPG Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game. MOM would be pretty cool though. 😀
Is that what I typed? I told you I am a computer moron. Still a good story, even though it lacks self depreciation… did I spell that right?
I fixed it… thank you for not making me look as stupid as I am… or helping me not look as stupid as I am… or HMNLASAIM game.
Now you’re getting the hang of it. 🙂
I knew I couldn’t spell, but you would think I could put letters in order when I have a clue.
Damn. MMOs just got real. Well done, sir. Well done.
I can’t make this stuff up. Thanks.
Okay, I’m putting this Wow! Where it belongs. Wow! This story gave me goose bumples arthur. You’re a hero. You’re better than Conan, because he’s fake!
You will not speketh so about my beloved barbarian! And never stick your wow somewhere it doesn’t belong.