Hey, I’m no cow-ard…
I told you that I never would have talked my visiting English relatives into doing awkward poses on a plastic cow bench by an ice cream parlor unless I was also willing to take the bull by the horns, as it were… (Also, that right there, that is how you steer a cow… oh man, I crack me up)…
I call that one: ‘the bovine recline’… yeah, you herd me…
I admit that I am milking the udderly ridiculous cow jokes and puns for all they are worth…
And that’s no bulls#%t…
Pouring My Art Out 
They are hefer so good.
but not very comfortable…
That’s why it is a cowch.
spelled: c-owch
kee-owwwwchhhh
I asked for a sorbet… but got a sore-butt…
This made me laugh heartily.
yay!
It made me cry bitterly…although that may be the splinters and chilli powder…
Quick! To the bacon smuggling boat!!
The Good Ship Venus awaits! Just allow me to skewer these nurses and I’ll be on the first train to Southampton!!!
Excellent! I shall slaughter some nuns, just in the spirit of things, you know. See you in Southampton, oh timber shiverer!
I admire your zeal; it’ll come in handy when we’re up against a vile gang of pork rustlers! I’ll be the one in the hat, shivering, what with only wearing a hat…
I’m going to give those bastards what for, I tells ya! I shall just pop on the bowler then, we can probably steal some clothes later on.
Balls to clothes! The sea breeze shall be our shirt; the salty brine our trousers; and the hungry desire for bacon shall serve as our under crackers!!!
*weeps* That is the most beautiful speech I have ever heard. You make Shakespeare sound like Alf Garnett. Quick, let us away, before someone makes us put our clothes back on!
Let them look! I am not ashamed! We are free; if they cannot gaze upon the human form in all its glory without trawling out the well worn whore that is decency (sorry for the language Arthur, but I feel the oration warrants it) then it is they who need to take a long hard look in the mirror!……but there is a bit of a nip in the air, best get moving.
Wise words! Art is going to be rather baffled by all this. I do hope he isn’t cross.
Art…cross? A) he’s currently on drugs, B) I’ve been doing random stuff on his blog for years and he’s been a complete darling about all of it, especially the stuff he doesn’t understand, and C) he’s currently on drugs…
Oh well that’s okay then. We shall continue with our flagrant nudity and bacon smuggling, safe in the knowledge that he will just think it is a side effect.
we hang bacon rustlers in this country… in some states…
Great! We shall bring our prisoners to you.
I don’t live in one of those states…
Oh. Do you want them anyway?
I could turn them into minions, I suppose…
Do it!!
send them on over
Excellent, then. Once we have caught them, obviously. In the meantime, I’ll send nuns.
Good… because I have none… nuns, that is…
He may offer to join us…which would be excellent but he’d expect to be ruler; we’d need to put aside some plush cabin where we can keep him busy and feeling important…which he of course would be……
right now, I can’t feel anything…
It’ll come…
uh… thanks?
I don’t take that for just anybody…
take that… and that…
I can live with that. He doesn’t get a cut of the bacon hoard, though. Well, maybe a few rashers here and there.
I had a rasher on my bumm once…
I would like to hear more…
ointment made it go away
What a relief.
yeah it was
We can spare some rashers for the special guidance he’ll bestow
I am all about the guidance… I have a system… a guidance system…
I want your clothes, your boots, and your glow sticks
come and get them
That seems fair.
We must learn to be benevolent in our rise to ultimate power and utter domination
No more nun slaughtering, then?
Let’s not overdo ourselves; nuns and nurses are fair game…as is the co-op, obviously.
Death to the Co-op! We must ensure we cut off their bacon supply at once. Vengeance for the Spar!
The war of attrition begins now! Those swines won’t know what hit them; bacon is the very cornerstone of any business such as theirs; we will have then by the short and curlies!
Once the Co-op is wiped from the face of the earth, we can begin our quest for world bacon domination, with the Spar at our side. Huzzah!
At our side and slightly back a bit…they need to know who’s boss…but otherwise, huzzah!
I don’t even know who the boss is anymore… sigh…
Oh bless…it’s you of course, silly 🙂
once again… phew
Yes, nurses
and pain meds
one does not simply dominate bacon…
I never said it would be simple. But it WILL be dominated. Mwahahahaha!
I might develop a complex… plan of subjugation…
I like the sound of that very much indeed, old bean.
old beans… mmmmmmm
the war on nutrition?
Once more unto the vitamin, dear friends, once more!
And men home abed will count themselves unlucky not to have been fortified by our horde of vitamins…
Alas poor vitamin, I knew him Horatio…
Vinae, Vite, Vitamin…
and we don’t have a spare spar…
Don’t worry, the first thing we shall do is establish a Spar dictatorship in all your high streets.
hoist the jibe and main’s’l
Ahoy!
fire a broadside!
Right across their bows! The bastards.
bow more deeply
but not the hot nurses… or the ones who give out the pain meds…
We will leave a few of the good ones just for you
phew
Yes a few
Pepe Le Phew
keep a few alive to keep the priests in line
Alright then. Good plan. I’m glad you came on board, you are indeed an asset to the mission.
Don’t be looking at my asset, cheeky monkey!!!
It was just a tiny peek, I promise.
now you are just being mean
Obviously I meant a huge, gigantic peek. Of course.
yay
and udder domination… and adder damnation…
We have no prejudices against cows or snakes
what about snakes riding on cows?
We would actively encourage that.
I figured as much
don’t be greedy… don’t be a pig…
Oink! Oink!
pigglywiggly
wigglypiggly
say that ten times fast
Hmmmm… just sounds really rude.
HA!
what he said… also, he is an official minion here… I forget his exact title… and his blog did what can only be called the most brilliant tribute to the weirdness that is my blog in the history of the English language… also, what he said… twice…
I am amused, bewildered, bothered, touched, honored and not a little aroused… but not cross…
Our work here is done! TeeHee 😀
see, this is exactly what that post with all the comments used to be like… a nonstop party… I couldn’t keep up with the comments on some days.
Must be even better on heavy medication, though. And we have bacon.
yes and yes… much better than the minion chow I feed them…
you know I did a post once where I tried to get us all to speak in Shakespearean prose… just sayin’… forsooth…
And it worked didn’t it? Although this is not Shakespeare…this is bacon smuggler
Bacespeare
That is what we’ll be calling our harpoon…
for harpooning pigs…
Pig rustlers…
rig pustlers…
yes, we are all up for a good and jolly rogering… roggering? I am feeling creepy just watching this… just so you know…
It’s ‘rogering’ I believe. You could always look away… but you know you can’t!
you got me there
seriously… cut and paste all this onto my new pirate post!!!
Even I don’t know how to do that…..you have a new pirate post?!?!?!
I just posted it… it is a delicious blend of nautical nonsense, and bad pirate jokes
That it be!
yo, ho
you people are ruining a perfectly respectable cow bench post…
There’s no reply to that……..damn it!!!!!
And that’s why I am the boss… here…
And you’ll have the plushest cabin on the Good Ship Venus!
and grogaritas!!!
When we capture it, it’ll be yours! Huzzah!!!
we can just make them… if we have a blender…
oh my…
this should be on the record-breaking comment post threads…
We’ll save that for another day!
fair enough
it’s funny that you mention shivered timbers, because I just did a funny pirate post…
Great minds…
and my mind too
😀
…ooo000ooo…
skewer these nurses… watch those euphemisms in front of the lady!!!
She’s the one bashing nuns! Or whatever that euphemism is…
I like smashing nuns… oh yes, I do
And you come across so tolerant….
I come across… that is the main point
I see your point….
really… I tried to comb my hair up and over it
It didn’t work for bobby Charlton…
you know a bobby named Charlton???
have you been to his blog yet… HA!!! Hint… look for me there…
I have indeed- absolutely scandalously fabulous!
say that five times fast…
Not after this much gin…
she is all rummy with gin…
ooooh… two of my favorite English people have met at last!!!
You bringer together of people you
This is really a well-disguised dating site…