You know how I went off to some mysterious location this weekend that I couldn’t tell you about? Well, I was out in the desert at a monastery… The Brothers of the Perpetual Self-Castigation and Whinery Winery, near Gila Bend, Arizona… just past Rattlesnake Road…

I couldn’t bring myself to take the vow of silence… and I already have the poverty thing pretty well in hand… (seriously, I need to sell more of my books, people)… but I did take the following vows:

To never again use the power of Photoshop for evil… particularly using it to stick Donald Trump’s head on images of a penises… oh, and also to never again use that picture of Ted Cruz pointing at a picture of lady parts, and then encouraging people to make up funny captions… (although, in all fairness, that was a real picture, not a Photoshop image, and I truly believe that anybody viewing that image is going to start inventing explanations in their heads all on their own)…

To never again wear something that isn’t made of wool, and is way to thick, hot and scratchy to wear in the freakin’ desert…

To never again swear… even if it is fake swearing, like when I typed ‘freakin’ up there… and right here… yes, Brother Eustace, I will go out in the vineyards and pick grapes while I pray for forgiveness for this post…

To never again, while performing my duties as servant in the winery tasting room, give more than one free sample of our delicious ‘Gila Bend Mystic Blend’ wine… no matter how pretty the customer is…

To never again refer to my weird, all-art-side-of-the-brain, overly-self-absorbed mental aberrations as being caused by ‘fictitious crack squirrels having taken up residence inside my head’…

To never again, after finishing my morning bowl of porridge, carry my wooden bowl up to Brother Simon the porridge-ladler and saying, “Please sir, can I have some more”…

To never again make a graven image of myself out of a log… right after I finish the ‘me tiki’ I am working on now…

Also, please note that, if you do come out to try our tasty wine and maybe say hello to me, the monastery has a strict ‘no firearms’ rule… as you can plainly see by the sign behind and to the right of me in the picture above… the Brothers are very strict about that, so please leave your assault rifles in your vehicles.