Okay, first of all, my daughter thought of the ‘wieners of the world’ title. I was going to go with something classy… like ‘Dick pics’. The thing is… (hey, thing, ironic that you should show up in a post about ‘things’)… I may have overstated my story of my son-in-law’s and my adventure at the New York Metropolitan Museum of art. I think she got the impression that we saw more wieners than we did.
Also, despite my content warning in the title, none of this stuff is anything you won’t see in pretty much any museum of art. This blog is still more or less family-friendly.
So, like most of my ideas, this one started off as nothing much. My son-in-law and I went to the museum to see the arms and armor exhibit I have already shown you. I was taking pictures of other art. I saw an adorable little cherub, with the cutest little naughty bits, and I was moved to take a photo. This got me thinking that it would be funny to take some junk pictures with no context at all.
Uh, I do not know what is going on there… or if it should be in this post. So, there we were. It was raining outside. The wives were shopping. It was the second day of my 3-and-a-half-day trip, and we had seen what we came to see.
Then I got amused at the idea of dragging my son-in-law around while I took close-up shots of male groin areas. I wondered if security might get involved. I liked the strange looks I was getting. And Jason is such a great sport. I like to mess with him.
But it turned into a really interesting conversation about nudity in art, and what cultures would have the best artwork to get dick pics of. Obviously, the Greeks and Romans, where we started, which led to this farce, are the winners… hands down… but where else in the world would we find some good penile art? Who has the best fertility art?
Hey, you want context… that is the holy pecker of Baby Jesus, just so you know.
Uh… yeah… but this did let us have an excuse to ignore our wet clothes and sore feet and explore more of the museum.
Unfortunately, that place is huge. We couldn’t see it all. That is why this post is full of European peni… pene… penises?
To be honest, the art really focuses on the human form. The penises seem to be mere afterthoughts… you know, much like it was in mother nature’s plan at the beginning. Why else would she have made them look like mushrooms with round, hairy feet?
That guy is just fiddling about.
Look, it isn’t hard… to make it through this post, I mean.
Just sit erect in your chair, get a firm grip on yourself, and afterwards, you can have a stiff drink.
Speaking of fertility art.
Sitting down and standing up.
Why doesn’t that one have golden pubic hair?
These are all bronze, stone, or paintings… where are all the woodpeckers?
That one is just plain nuts. Oh, come on, you knew I was going to make bad penis puns when you started reading this.
And you know what? It took a lot of balls to do a post like this.
Okay, that one is getting awfully close to pornographic.
A member of the museum staff… oh man… I crack me up.
And now, the raciest wiener photo of them all, where I actually put a wiener in my mouth…
Because there was a Nathan’s hot dog cart right outside the museum, and those are the best wieners there are.
The other “no-no” is nipples. The French and US postal authorities issued a joint issue with the same design commemorating the two hundredth anniversary of the French Revolution. There was a topless women in the design. The French version of the design showed her nipples. The American version did not. I felt my purity was saved. Thank you, US Postal Service! LOL!
Somebody has to hold the line.
Yes, America, Policeman of the World! LOl!
Stop and frisk the world!!!
Too bad this wasn’t playing as you were taking the pictures:
Most everyone outside of the U.S. is in no way offended by artistic portrayals of human genitalia. Americans are perhaps the only developed-nation people in the world who believe violence is perfectly acceptable, but nudity and sexuality are not.
Case in point: a 2007 Rolling Rock beer commercial made for the Super Bowl where 33 men get struck in the groin by a single baseball was banned because – at the end – two guys are shown sitting spread eagle wearing cup supports on the outside of their jeans, each holding a bottle of beer. Apparently, the vagrant display of cup supports and bottles of beer held upright in suggestively gratuitous positions was inappropriate for a family audience.
I have a whole chapter in my action/humor sci-fi series of novels about our weird viewpoints on nudity, sexuality and stuff… which conversation explains why I invented an alien who has his three-foot-long junk growing out of the top of his head.