Christmas isn’t winning anymore! We are giving too much away. If you make me Santa, you will be getting so many presents, you would get sick of them. Santa… what a loser. He is the worst thing to ever happen to Christmas. Does he even know how to run a business? I would be the best Santa ever. I would build an ice wall around the North Pole… put those elves to work on something the people want… because I am pretty sure most of them are rapists and drug smugglers. Why are they even making toys? That is what child labor in sweatshops in Asia are for. And I would make sure that Muslims don’t even get to celebrate Christmas, unless they are thoroughly vetted as Christians first. And anybody who wants to fight a war on Christmas, I will destroy them… I have a plan for that… but I can’t tell you about it yet… even though it is the best plan in the history of planning. Oh, and I will speed up global warming, because, if I have to live at the North Pole, I don’t want to be cold all the time… it does bad things to my hair. And when I build my new hotel there, you can all come and stay in it… if you can afford it… which most of you can’t… because you are losers.