I started a Facebook campaign recently, running for the position of Supreme Leader of all the Universes.
And I won.
There has been some suggestion that my victory was due mostly to low voter turnout.
But if you do not mind a suggestion, there are some very good reasons why you might want to consider putting me in charge of everything. Just for a year or two. You know darn well that I will get bored being the Overlord and move on to something else. That’s just the way I am.
But here are a few things I will try to get done before my attention begins to wander;
1. I will take away everyone’s cars, and replace them with those bumper cars you see at fairs and amusement parks.
The advantages to my plan are numerous. It will drastically reduce our consumption of oil and gas, and curtail global warming. Billions of dollars will be saved if we eliminate traffic accidents. Texting and driving, no problem. Heck, you can drive drunk if you want. We wont even need lanes on the freeways anymore. If someone cuts you off, just ram them. No more road rage. I even believe that drive by shootings will become a thing of the past, because no self-respecting gang banger is going to roll up in a clown car and bust some caps. And even if they did, they couldn’t get away fast enough to do them any good.
I realize that we would still need an effective long distance electric rail system to supplement this plan, and the transition phase will be a little tricky, but you just let me worry about the details. Also, if you are a fan of the show Top Gear, you will know that this idea was suggested on a recent episode, but ask anyone who knows me, I have been talking about this plan for fifteen or twenty years, so it is my plan.
2. Taxes will be based not on how much you earn, but rather on how much of a jerk I think you are. The advantages of this system should be obvious.
3. Sports figures will no longer be paid millions of dollars. They all say the love the game, so they shouldn’t mind. It is still just a game after all. The money we save will be used to pay stay at home parents and teachers.
4. All high school students will be required to show up early once a week at school, and help pick up the trash they tossed around, while the custodians stand around watching and offering helpful suggestions. They can also clean the bathrooms while they are at it.
5. All teenage boys will be required to pull their pants up. Or they have the option of replacing their boxer shorts with lacy pink panties so that we can all snicker at them.
6. The amount of time you get to spend on Facebook, or your blog, or talking and texting on your cell phone, will be directly linked to how interesting you are. I am sorry, but those of you who have nothing important to say will have to find other hobbies.
7. Corporations will not be allowed to be people unless they try to be good people. They have to help with the chores, be good listeners, lend a hand to their neighbors, and be responsible citizens before I will even consider allowing them to be people.
8. Hypocrisy will be penalized. If you claim to be pro life, and you cheer when Texas brags about its death penalty numbers, you will be fined. If you proclaim yourself to be all for family values, but you are cheating on your spouse, it is going to cost you. If you are a person who brags about being religious and you use that as an excuse to look down on anyone else, or think you are better than them, get ready to get your wallet or purse out.
This next part is going to be tricky, because I know Americans like their guns, but here it is;
9. You can all own one gun. That’s it. Just one. Choose wisely. Oh, and did I mention that you can only buy one bullet per year… (it is called the Barney Fife law)…
10. You can not call hunting a sport. Shooting a deer with a high powered rifle with a scope is not a sport. Sports never start with one team not knowing the game has begun. If you climb into a cage with a bear and a pocket knife, you can call that a sport.
11. There will be no more attempted murder charges. If you shoot someone and they survive, you will be charged with murder and being a bad shot. In fact, if you fire a gun anywhere within range of another human being, that is a murder charge, and a being an idiot charge on top of it.
To finish off this piece, I have two final rules;
12. Prejudice will be against the law. If you think that being the color that you are makes you better than people who are not that color, then keep it to yourself. Because if I hear you say that out loud, you are going to be arrested, tattooed some other color, and be forced to become what you despise. Same thing if you go around saying cruel things about gay people. The police will come to your house and dress you like a drag queen, and then glue that fabulous sequined evening gown to your body with glue that can never be removed. You have been warned.
12. My last rule will be controversial as well, but here it is; Politicians will no longer be allowed to run for public office.
Pouring My Art Out 
golden. simply golden. I loved almost every single point. I have to run to the store now, need to replace all the boys boxers with lacy pink undies..
I put you in charge of that project.
#6, I have it made right?
I’m in love! Will you marry me? Or, at least will you please let me cast my vote for you?
I will consider you a strong supporter, but make sure you punch the chad all the way out so we do not have to do a recount and up in court. If you scroll rapidly through my blog, you will see that I am already married, but if that goes south, you are on the top of my list to fill the vacancy. Or you could be my vice-overlord.
Well, I have a husband, too, but if vice-overlord is available I’m ready. Do I get to pick my own crown and have minions?
We can do what ever we want, as long as it is for the good of our people, and is just a little silly while still making complete sense.
I’m in.
Worth the visit. Great ideas. It’s hard to pick a fav, but I’m partial to #10.
I will rule you benevolently!
First, elroy, congratulations on your election! Based on your program, as outlined above, I would elect you for life, except I know that would bore you to tears! But for as long as you decide to be in charge, I am fully in your corner and support everything you’ve outlined above. Hooray — someone is finally going to straighten this world out!! 😎
Thank you, but the votes are not all in.
Where do I vote?
It is more of a mental exercise.
I know — I was kidding along. But I think your manifesto has strength and clarity — good for you!
I fully intend to take office if the groundswell reaches enough momentum to sweep me to victory.
Great post! Number 10 so true well put, we have our fox hunting here, supposedly banned now. There was a recent campaign about city foxes as one baby was attacked in her home by one. I suppose they claimed that’s what you get from banning foxhunting – they run amok and will kill your babies.
It happened with the dingos…
Three things….
A) When can you start? We need all of these enacted – You’ve got my vote!
B) Love the deer one, I agree, not a sport when one side has a gun and the other doesn’t
C) Like I told Dotty, you two have some sexual tension going on
LOL – Great Post!
A) Thank you,
B)Thank you,
C)Say what?
we call that harmless flirting.
lol.
OK. I admit that I am a terrible flirt. I fling flirty words around because I am good at it. And it makes me feel liked. And…and… yeah, and stuff…
haha. Number 10 and 11 cracked me up pretty good. 10: I never thought of how hypocritical the concept of “sport” hunting is. It’s like an NBA game where one team has the run of the court while the other team is still waiting in the locker room for someone to tell them the game began five minutes ago. 11: I will have to make sure not to purchase and discharge a gun during your administration.
No one will be able to enforce the laws because the cops and military only get one bullet each also.
Ah! I suppose one handgun (as allowed in your law) wouldn’t hurt.
Free health care for all bullet wounds. But not because of me.
Great postage!
I think my favorite was how the janitors can give the teenage boys helpful hints. I imagine them getting frustrated when the teenage boys clean up vomit with a lackluster attitude. Just because it came out in a disgusting manner doesn’t mean it should be cleaned up like so.
You will be the head of my secret police.
anything that involves replacing cars has my vote =D.
That is the rule that got you on board? I would have thought one of the others, but I can not be picky.
I’m not a big fan of cars-noisy, take up alot of space and money, and consume so much petrol/gas. bumper cars all the way.
Is there any negotiating room on #6?
Other than that, I’m on board.
You will have no problem passing my test. Stay interesting my friend.
I guess that I’m going to have to give up my dream of playing first base for the Dodgers, if I’m not going to get paid mucho bucks for doing it. Oh, well.
Just have kids… and stay home with them…it will all work out.
Dear pmao,
All right, all right, just clear the bloody island for me. Fast.
Love Dotty xxx
I haven’t been elected yet.
based on number 5 alone you have my vote! lol!! love it!
Thank you so much. I will be the best Overlord you ever had.
Dear pmao,
You’re king.
I already live on an island, I just need you to clear it for me so it’s all mine.
After the clearances take place I’ll give you the Crown Jewels.
Love Dotty xxx
They will already be mine, technically speaking.
Dear pmao,
Possession is nine tenths of the law.
Love Dotty xxx
But I make ten tenths of the law, so…
Dear pmao,
I’ll vote for you too.
Love Dotty xxx
Make me king, and I will put your house on an island. A head shaped island, surrounded by sharks. And the only other building on the island will be a Cumberland sausage manufacturing plant run by cows.
You have my vote!
Vote early and vote often!