We have all, at one time or another, thought that our lives are like a soap opera. I have gone to the trouble of compiling a list of the things that every character on a soap opera goes through, for the sole purpose of putting things in perspective and, hopefully, convincing you that perhaps your life is not so bad after all.
First, let me say that I am not a fan of soap operas. The writing is atrocious and the acting is even worse. But my wife watches the Young and the Restless while we eat dinner. It helps her relax. I try to ignore it, but some of it is soaking in. I am starting to be able to recognize characters. I know what is going on in their lives.
This is a horrifying development.
Your life might be full of worries and woes, disappointments and despairs, trials and tribulations.
But, to live up to the standards of a soap opera, you have to:
1. Have sex with every other person that you have ever met… (well, only the ones of the opposite sex, because, for whatever reason, they seem to completely ignore the whole idea of homosexuality).
2. Almost die… at least once… if not multiple times… or be clinically dead… or at least fake your own death.
3. Be in a coma… at least once.
4. Donate part or all of an internal organ to someone, or have one donated to you… or maybe both.
5. Get kidnapped.
6. Be able to fake at least three facial expressions.
7. Be blackmailed or blackmail someone else.
8. Find out that one or more of your parents aren’t really your parents… or your kids aren’t really your kids… (this usually happens when they do the blood test to find out if you can donate an internal organ to that person).
9. Cheat on your spouse with someone married to an immediate member of your own family.
10. Ruin someone’s life.
11. Ruin a wedding.
12. Ruin a marriage.
13. Get married, divorced, married, divorced, remarried to someone you already married and then divorced… and then divorce them… again… so you can marry someone else.
14. Raise kids without ever actually being in the same room with them for more than a few minutes during the course of their entire childhood.
15. Be arrested for something you didn’t do.
16. Be arrested for something you did do.
17. Find out you have an adult child you didn’t know about… and that child might even be older than you.
18. Have a drug problem or an alcohol problem or both.
19. Have a job that you never seem to be doing… or have a job that you never seem to stop doing.
20. Figure out really clever ways to get interrupted every time you try to tell some other person something really important that they really need to hear… so that stupid plot point can get dragged out for weeks before it finally comes out.
21. Get pregnant… but not be quite sure who the father is.
22. And most importantly, you have to be okay with the idea that at some time, you might be replaced by someone who looks absolutely nothing like you who just steps in and takes over your whole crazy life… while you, hopefully, move on to better things… like doing TV commercials or made-for-TV movies.