Twit Wit… Part 22…

Yeah… still posting all my best tweets… because I know a lot of you don’t do Twitter, and I would hate for you to miss how freakin’ clever I am…

——————————————–

*Men! It is not about a woman’s posterior, it is about her interior… Don’t you dare turn that into something dirty…

*I am not self-centered… it just so happens that there is nobody I would rather spend time with than me…

*Ignorance of the law is no excuse… but general ignorance is even less of one.

*Paper was invented in the 2nd century BC… Toilet paper was invented in the late 1800’s… makes you wonder, doesn’t it?

*Republicans think corporations are people, but women aren’t? #WTF?

*When life gives you a wedgie, use it to sing the high notes… but don’t forget to change your shorts…

*Tweeting does for my head what farting does for my stomach… keeps me from exploding.

*I stop and frisk myself at least three times a day… you can’t be too careful.

*I just got into a three-tweet conversation with Eric Idle… I might actually be cool.

*Your planet sucks… I am going home, and I am taking the sun with me, I was just letting you borrow it.

*I am not a doctor, but I played one… well, not on TV or anything… just… never mind.

*Oh man, my bootstrap just broke… and I had almost pulled myself up by it…

*My boots don’t have bootstraps… what am I supposed to pick myself up by???

*The only thing I talk about on the phone now is poop… take that, NSA.

*If you type ‘so to speak’ after anything you type, you can type anything you want and people can’t hate you.

*I am going to start hanging out with myself so I can see what I am really like.

*Is it hot or is it just me in here?

*Life is all about compromise… well, not for me, but for everybody I know…

*Life is all about compromise… I’m talking to you, Republicans…

*It’s time to sit or get off the pot… wait… that can’t be right…

*If I had a dime for every time I found a dime, I… oh… wait…

*Say: ‘putt putting’ five times fast.

*Does this look swollen to you?

*Keep your pants on… that is not a request, that is an order…

*Sometimes I feel stupid… and not in a good way…

*I just bought a pair of bossy pants… not only can I order you around, they make my butt look fabulous!

About pouringmyartout

You will laugh at my antics... That is my solemn promise to you... Or your money back... Stop on by...
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35 Responses to Twit Wit… Part 22…

  1. Pingback: Zero to Hero Day 19: Publish a Post in a New-To-You Format | The Dragon's Lair

  2. Trent Lewin says:

    Did I hear the sound of something clever being said? No? Really? It must have been my bowels contracting, then. That happens often.

    Just kidding, these are good. I don’t know about that swollen one, though… sheesh.

  3. Cimmorene says:

    These are hilarious, Art! I think my favorite was, “When life gives you a wedgie, use it to sing the high notes… but don’t forget to change your shorts…” Life is always giving me a wedgie.

  4. Nadia says:

    My favourite? “*Paper was invented in the 2nd century BC… Toilet paper was invented in the late 1800′s… makes you wonder, doesn’t it?”
    I need to get onto Twitter pronto. You’re a legend.

  5. benzeknees says:

    *I stop and frisk myself at least three times a day… you can’t be too careful. – Is this so you can make sure all your parts are still there?
    Say this 5x fast: better beef buddy burger – seen on A & W restaurant sign today.

  6. Al says:

    I love these. Makes me realise what I should be doing with my time 😉

  7. Some smart ones here. I don’t have that skill yet, I think.

    If I had a dime for every time I admired your wit,…..

  8. ElenaW says:

    I absolutely love your tweets, Arthur! ;0) P.S. I’m one of those who doesn’t do tweeter as I’m sure if it’s worth reading it will find me (and your post is a living prove;) Thank you! x x x

  9. You must be a P&P fan due to your usage of twit which leads this professor to assume you are Punchyish – correct?

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