Oh wow… I can’t believe this… I am sitting in my living room with three actual aliens!
Yesterday, when I asked the other me from the other dimension… you know, the one who is the hero in those novels I have been passing off as mine… if he could bring some of his alien friends around for an interview, I never really thought it would happen, but here they are.
My guests today are three Xxos… I don’t know if that is how you type the plural of Xxo or not. (For those of you who care, the word is pronounced to rhyme with ‘Joe’ but it starts with a ‘zh’ sound… or maybe a soft, French ‘J’ sound, like when you say “je t’adore”… you know, you sort of put your tongue against your teeth and make it buzz… I hope that helps)… and people in that other dimension often call them ‘The Giant Broccoli’.
Anyway, there is not a lot of room in my livingroom, because these guys are all about 8 feet tall… if you include the tentacles on the top and bottom, it is more like 12 feet… I guess it would be easier to show you a picture… uh, do one of you guys mind if I take a picture of you? Oh, thanks… uh, which one are you? I’m sorry, but I can’t really tell you apart… Okay, thanks, Ox…
Okay, now you know what they look like. I am going to try to interview them without giving away too much from the books. Let me introduce The Warlord, The General, and Ox. (Uh, those aren’t really their real names. I mean the names they were born with, but the Xxo have a binary language made up only of the ‘x’ sound and the ‘o’ sound, and it is very hard for humans to use)…
I am just making this more confusing. Let’s begin the interview…
Welcome to my home, all of you. I am so excited. Nobody on Earth in this universe has ever interviewed an alien before. I mean, in this universe, our planet hasn’t had any alien visitors. Well, maybe we have, there are rumors…
Ox- Get to the point. And can I have a beer? The other Arthur said there would be beer.
Oh, uh, sure, here you go. So, General, Warlord, I know you two are… uh… father and son… is that the right way to put it?
The Warlord- We understand that our form of reproduction varies greatly from that of you human mammals. We divide ourselves in half, splitting lengthwise down the center of our trunks. One half, the slightly larger half, keeps the same name and remains the original individual, while the other half becomes a new Xxo. But in your terms, you can say that I am the son of the old Warlord.
Wait, let me stop you there, because that part of the story was sort of confusing. You are the Warlord now, but your… uh,,, dad was the Warlord before… because of something that happened in his past… but a little while after you were… uh… born, or whatever… the old Warlord passed the title of Warlord down to you, and went back to his old title as The General… is that about right?
Ox- What the hell is so confusing about that. Are you slow? Our Arthur never had a problem figuring it out. Can I have another beer?
Um… sure… but maybe that’s the last one, okay? I seem to recall from the books that two is about as many as…
Ox- Don’t lecture me, human. I am thousands of your years old!
Okay, no offense, here you go. So, Mr. Warlord, you are only about six months old by now, right?
The Warlord- Closer to seven months. Remember, you haven’t gotten the whole story. I think Arthur, our Arthur, mentioned that you have only received the first four parts of the story. There are still things happening in our universe, the story is still being written. And age is relative. I retained the memories of the General. We do not start out like human infants.
So what is Arthur, the other one, doing over there in your universe right now?
The General- Well… um… Arthur doesn’t always react well to being a hero. He doesn’t really like responsibility. Don’t get me wrong, he is an awesome commander when things get crazy, but he…
Ox- Don’t beat around the bush. He is on vacation. He took his ship and is off exploring other realities. Every time we have to save the day, he slips off as soon as the adventure is over and leaves all of us to clean up the mess and carry on with the real work. I’m getting another beer. Hey, is your dog okay? She looks a little nervous. If she bites me, there is going to be trouble.
No… she is fine… please don’t hurt my dog…
The Warlord- Arthur is an amazing human. But he is sort of shy, he doesn’t like being the center of attention of an entire universe… well, actually more than one universe now… and he is more of an idea guy than a manager. But he always leaves the best people in charge just where they are needed most. That is his true strength. I don’t want you to think he just leaves things undone.
No, I have read the first four books, even though I have only gotten the first two published so far. Arthur does seem to have a gift for gathering the right group of people around him to solve some really huge problems. On the other hand, and remember, we are talking about me here… sort of, I mean, we are more or less the same person… but, in all his adventures, it does sort of seem like he is just making it up as he goes along. Like there is more dumb luck involved than anything else. It is a miracle nobody has been killed yet… Ox, can you please put the dog down?
The General- That is sort of how being a commander in times of violence works. You come up with plans and hope they work. You detail the best people you can to the jobs they are good at, and hope not too many people get killed.
Ox- I like this small mammal… nice teeth… of course it is nothing like our pets. We call them biters… we used them in war back in the glorious days when our race was still conquering star systems.
So, this is a little awkward, but yesterday, one of my blog friends was disappointed that I didn’t ask the questions from my blog series called ‘Inner Views’ to Arthur when I had him here. I just sort of talked to him. Do you mind if I ask you those questions?
Ox- I will have more beer first!
The General- We have a little more time before we must leave. You may ask your questions.
1. What do you like best about my blog?
Ox- Your what? Hey, you are almost out of beer.
2. Do you like monkeys?
Ox- I don’t know? I have never eaten one.
3. If you won a free, month-long trip to Paris, but each day for one hour you had to stand under the EifelTower naked, would you still go?
The Warlord- Very amusing. Of course, we wear no clothes, so that wouldn’t really apply to us.
Ox- Hey, look… I think your dog likes me…
4. What makes your blog unique?
Okay, that doesn’t really work either, does it? Moving on…
5. If you were in charge of the universe, what is the first order you would issue?
Ox- Ha, the old Warlord tried to take over the universe… he…
Hey, hey, spoiler alert… nobody here knows about that part of the story yet…
6. What is the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to you?
The General- We are not really subject to that emotion, but I do admit that when Candybar Venezuela walked into the Saloon at the Edge of Everywhere and saw me dividing myself to produce my offspring, I did feel a certain strange sense of mortification. I am very fond of that human female.
7. Would you rather spend the day with an adult, a kid or a baby?
Ox- Do they have to be human? Hey, the dog is licking me… that is a good thing right?
The Warlord- I find human youngsters to be very enjoyable. You never know what they are going to say. And your infants are very cute.
The General- Arthur is a lot like a kid in that way. You never know what he is going to say… or do…
8. What, in your opinion, is the worst thing that Dick Cheney ever did?
Ox- That guy? We have him in our universe too. I would gladly engage in combat with that human… and then rip his limbs off… hey, the dog likes it when I use my tentacle tips to stoke its belly… look… it is laying on its back… I have made a new friend!
The Warlord- As one who studies your Earth history, we feel nothing but contempt for that human called Dick Cheney, both as a leader and as a human being.
It is funny and sort of sad that many people on this Earth didn’t even know who Dick Cheney was when I asked them that question.
9. What is the worst thing you ever did?
Ox- Ha! You want to take that question, General? Tell them how you came to be the Warlord in the first place? Tell them about why they had to give you the brain conditioning, because…
Hey, let the people read the books, for crying out loud.
10. If you could have dinner with one fictional character… including cartoons… who would you pick?
Ox- Dick Cheney! So I could pull his arms off… hey… you are almost out of beer…
The Warlord- That is an intriguing question. I would love to be able to talk about your second world war with Winston Churchill.
The General- Mark Twain. He is a funny human.
11. If you were locked in a room with a knife, a barbecue, and a living cow, would you die of starvation before you could bring yourself to kill and eat the cow?
Ox- You’re kidding, right? We don’t even need to eat very much or very often, and I wouldn’t even need the knife or barbecue… then I would make a battering ram from the cow’s spine and skull, and batter down the door!
12. What one word describes your blog the best?
Okay, forget that one…
13. Is there one celebrity that you would leave your family for if they declared their undying love for you?
Ox- You are a strange little human. And your dog is gnawing on my tentacle.
14. If I got my hands on a picture of you and did funny things to you in Photoshop for a whole week, but you had no input into what I actually did to you, and I posted everything I did to you, would you be okay with that? And can I have a picture of you?
Ox- You are even weirder than our Arthur. You have too much time on your hands. You really need some space pirates to battle, or a giant human/alien hybrid evil corporation and its mercenaries to go up against.
15. What makes you cry?
Ox- These stupid questions would do it, if anything could.
16. If you could cuss out one famous person, living or dead, who would it be?
Ox- Dick Cheney… no… you… yes, you…
17. Tell me the truth, do you really like me?
Ox- Not any more… and you are out of beer…
The Warlord- We do not really posses human emotions like that, but we have become somewhat used to having our Arthur around.
18. What kind of circus trick would you like to be able to do?
Ox- Lion tamer! I would be good at that. Your little pets do not scare me!
19. Which drug side effects from those commercials disturb you the most?
Ox- I love those. You humans will risk death to cure your migraine headaches. And I bet anal leakage would be fun to watch… hey… dog… where are you going?
20. Who the hell do you think you are?
Ox- Watch your tone, human…
I sort of lost control of events at this point, and the last two questions wouldn’t have worked on them anyway, so… uh… I hope you enjoyed it. And I hope Arthur comes back with some more aliens tomorrow.