Well, once again I find myself in an awkward situation where a person who has been commenting on my blog for a long time has somehow never ended up having me return the favor. So I went over to: http://bumblepuppies.wordpress.com/ just to find a clever way to introduce our next victim… uh… guest… and I only had to read the ‘about’ page and the two most recent posts before I hit the follow button.
Here is the interview. I haven’t read it yet. I like to add my little silly comments right as I am preparing the interview for posting to keep it fresh… and if you think these clever little jokes in-between the regular interview questions and answers are easy, they aren’t…
1. What do you like best about my blog?
My favorite part of your blog is you.
(That’s my favorite part too!!!)
Of course I like monkeys. Didn’t I just say I like you?
(I would also have accepted just plain ‘yes’)
3. If you won a free, month-long trip to Paris, but each day for one hour you had to stand under the Eifel Tower naked, would you still go?
No. Paris was fun for a couple of days but a month is too long to spend there. If I had a month’s time for travel, I’d go elsewhere.
(But would you spend one hour a day wandering around naked? Don’t try to weasel out of the main point of the question)
4. What makes your blog unique?
My intellectual superiority.
(No… seriously… oh, fine, we are trying to be funny after all)
5. If you were in charge of the universe, what is the first order you would issue?
General Tso’s chicken with a side of fried rice.
(See, now that is funny and it makes sense. It takes a lot of energy to run a universe. I myself am running 126 of them as we speak, and I burn a lot of calories)
6. What is the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to you?
When I was in high school, my mom once forgot to do laundry. That meant I had to wear white after Labor Day.
(I have lost all respect for you, and I am going to unfollow you as soon as I am done being frightfully clever… and I don’t even have the fashion gene… or fashionable jeans)
7. Would you rather spend the day with an adult, a kid, or a baby?
A kid, roasted over an open flame and seasoned with pomegranate sauce and zatar. I could eat goat all day.
(You had me worried for a moment… I think of this blog as a family friendly place… for the most part, where kids came roam around… well, not the part where I tried to get you all to help me write a funny porno movie script, or the weird pictures of Dick Cheney, or some of the comments I get, or Inner View #4… and I have been told that I do not know where the ‘line’ is… but I do know that cannibalism involving human infants would be at least one step over that line)
8. What, in your opinion, is the worst thing that Dick Cheney ever did?
He offered to drop from the 2004 presidential ticket if it would help Bush get reelected. Whether you love or hate Cheney’s politics, he was effective at getting policies through and he should have put governance concerns ahead of Bush’s reelection.
(I am not that bright, and I can’t tell if that was a pro-Cheney or an anti-Cheney answer, so I am going to move on before my spleen pops)
9. What is the worst thing that you ever did?
I read “Pride and Prejudice” in high school instead of the Cliff Notes.
(You went to high school???)
10. If you could have dinner with one fictional character… including cartoons… who would you pick?
Monkey, from the book of the same name.
(I don’t know that book… but I do know that you would have earned more points with me if you had said: one of the monkeys from Arthur’s adorable children’s book called ‘I Like Monkeys’, and available on the book page on this blog by clicking on the picture of the book in the sidebar over there to the right, and did I mention that he wrote it and painted the illustration of the cute monkeys and other neat things?)
11. If you were locked in a room with a knife, a barbecue, and a living cow, would you die of starvation before you could bring yourself to kill and eat the cow?
There’s no need to kill the cow. It will eat or stampede through the wall before things get desperate. While I wait, there’s always milk.
(The walls are 12 feet thick reinforced concrete, and it is a bull! Milk it carefully. HA!)
12. What one word describes your blog best?
(What do lobsters write letters on? Crustationary)
13. Is there one celebrity that you would leave your family for if they declared their undying love for you?
No. Celebrities are overrated and they have too many STD’s.
(I get the feeling that not every one is being completely honest with this question)
14. If I got my hands on a photo of you and did funny things to you in Photoshop for a whole week, but you had no input into what I actually did to you, and I posted everything I did, would you be okay with that? And can I have a picture of you?
My name is Kermit the Frog. I’m sure you can find a picture of me easily.
(What is very small, green, and smells like pork? Never mind, don’t answer that… it’s an old joke)
(I could assume you are just sensitive to smoke, but I would rather assume that you sit in smoky rooms listening to soulful music as you weep silently at the haunting beauty of a moving song)
16. If you could cuss out one famous person, living or dead, who would that be?
Jane Austen. I figure I could write a nifty little bestseller about the encounter.
(You do realize that answer is going to fly right over the heads of most of the people here… half of them don’t even know who Dick Cheney is, so references to literature are more or less wasted)
17. Tell me the truth, do you really like me?
No. I believe you still owe me one automobile. Pay up.
(Why does everybody keep getting me confused with Oprah???)
18. What kind of circus trick would you like to be able to do?
Fly. (Ever see Dumbo?)
(I have kids, of course I have seen it… are you going to accept having gigantic, freaky ears too???)
19. Which drug side effects from those TV commercials disturb you the most?
Suicide for depression medications. It kind of defeats the point…
(But you would die happy)
20. Who the hell do you think you are?
Kermit the Frog.
(Kermit the frog was my second choice on that game I played with the train full of dead heads where we tried to decide which famous person, real or made-up had the best personality for your soon-to-be child to be born with.)
21. Now tell us why we should follow you…
Because I taste good, especially to those pesky Parisians.
(Well, those are the people who proved that snails taste okay if you put enough garlic and butter on them, so…)
Just for you…
1. Who does your hair?
Me. I keep it short enough that I don’t need a barber.
(Do you use one of those Flowbee things where you have a razor attached to a vacume hose and just clip and suck the hair right off your own head???)
2. Have you ever been arrested?
No. Sorry to be so boring.
(Don’t apologize for that… we already decided that the world needs boring people, or we wouldn’t have proctologists or business executives)
3. What is the weirdest animal you ever ate?
Alligator, but that’s only because the restaurant didn’t have nutria rats.
(You ate at the wrong place. Any decent place would have alligator stuffed with nutria rats. Seriously, I only know about those rats because I watch Swamp People. I love a show that is filmed in your own country and they still have to add subtitles… but not Duck Dynasty or whatever, I never watched that even before I found out what douchebags those guys are)
4. What is the meaning of life?
To come, to see, to conquer, and then to take a nice long nap.
(Ooohhh… a very Conan the barbarian answer, and I love that guy… not the movie ones, the ones from the original books… I do posts about Conan all the time… me and him, we saved a guy’s life once together… I am not making this up… I did the post)
Okay, people, you know the drill. You have been amazed by his answers, now go check out his blog. I did, and now I am following him, so if I have less time to be funny here, it is all his fault.