I am still carrying on with my idea of interviewing all of you at the same time so we can get to know each other better. Today’s question might not seem that crazy to you, depending on where and how you live, but as usual, I have a reason for asking.
Have you ever milked a cow?
The reason I ask is that a few years back, we were at the county fair, and I had a chance to do it and I chickened out. Partly it was because I am shy and I didn’t want a bunch of strangers watching me touch another mammal’s boobs. But it is weirder than that.
Those few of you who have bought and read my first comedy/adventure science fiction book from the series might remember that one of the first silly parts I threw in, at the end of chapter one I believe, was a theory that the hero had about how aliens had never visited our planet because the whole universe knew that keeping mammals or mammal-like animals hostage and stealing their milk was sick and wrong… and then it turns out that even though that isn’t why they hadn’t visited us yet, they almost all did in fact believe that milk stealing was sick and wrong. I mean, if you are female, or even if you are just a male who knows some females, how would you feel if you or they were abducted by some other species and kept in a barn, and once each morning someone came and milked them… or you… without so much as asking?
I’ve milked many a cow, but I always ask first. 🙂
That is very enlightened of you. Many early cultures would thank an animal they hunted for the use of its meat and skin.
I did learn to milk cows from a Native American tribe… so that could have something to do with it. 🙂
brilliant.
My grandma lived on a farm, so yes, I have milked a cow. I have also collected eggs rom chickens and watched one get it’s head cut off with an axe and chase me headless around the field.
I want to do a Photoshop picture of you running around being chased by a headless chicken fountaining blood!
So what exactly are you looking for here? A worried expression?
Sheer terror would be nice
I prefer to restrict terror in my life
We all do that
It can be good for your health. Just sayin
yes you are
I’ve been chased by a cow. I wasn’t trying to milk it , I was just passing through the field and it took a liking to me. Came on a bit strong for my linking.
linking?! liking
phew… for a minute there… ha!
I’ve been checking out tattoo artists who I saw at the London convention last year, seen some good ones in San Diego, LA and San Francisco. I am telling you this because if my visa comes through I am hoping to plan my first US trip in the Autumn and will coincide seeing friends in Palm Springs then can do San Francisco, LA and San Diego too and get a tattoo on the way. I want to do the Comic Con in San Diego too but cannot go as soon as April when that is on. Will have to check out what music festivals are on if any over that time too. It was a toss up between NY or the west coast for my first trip, the decision was easy as my other half said he is not going to NY!
Dude… If I could see you in the Bay Area, I will give you the tour of a lifetime… you might even be able to stay at my mom’s house for a few days… and then we could ride to San Diego together… and do the same thing here!!!
Is that that mega long drive inbetween that just looks over the same desert for hours 🙂
It is a ten hour drive, but we could take the coast route which is a few hours longer but covers cliffs overlooking the Pacific ocean… freeking awesome… and the valley is really farmland… and it wouldn’t be that boring the first time you see it.
10 hours! That’s like driving the length of the UK and more. I love how matter of factly you say that as if it’s nothing. That’s the same length as the flight form London to LA.
I’ve watched movies, then you pick up a serial killer hitch-hiker, that the whole holiday is ruined 😀
Welcome to America… that is just halfway through one state… not the biggest state… it is hallway lengthwise, but still.
Gulp!
And you haven’t really vacationed in America unless you pick up at least one psycho-killer hitchhiker…
It’s on the bucket list right after eat my own eyeballs
He will do that for you…
😀
Uh… I think it wanted you to milk her…
Dirty flirty cow
Just because cows have questionable morals, doesn’t mean they like having their udders yanked by every Tom, Dick Cheney and Harry Truman.
You know what you must do now don’t you?
We need to see photoshops of Dick Cheney caught in compromising positions with a cow
It would be hard for me to do those without crossing into the realms of poor taste… ha!
Silly me, trying to feed your brain ideas! It doesn’t work like that
Not very often… but this inner view idea wasn’t mine… so…
Yes! I’ve milked a cow, I even squirted the milk straight into my mouth and then in my friend’s face, cos that’s how I roll.
That is awesome!!!
Yes. My high school took us on an excursion to a real life farm. I think they regretted it by the end of the day.
A field trip to a real field…
yep. With cow udders that squirt milk. I reckon it goes at least a metre with the right squeeze action
There are so many bad jokes I could make here that I am just boggled…
I know! I gave you such an opening
I am trying to behave myself.
On a first grade field trip, I was forced to milk a cow. Luckily I couldn’t get the ‘technique’ right and they passed me over. I feel for those cows… I really do.
So you milked a cow against your will, and against the cow’s will… that is wrong on so many levels.
Nope, never milked a cow. But I pour milk over my cereal every morning for breakfast. And then I peel a banana and slice it up and put it in my cereal. Peeling a banana and milking a cow. Pretty much the same thing, right?
The exact opposite, actually.
Picky, picky, picky.
Not me!
Would it be better if I said that I had milked a banana and peeled a cow’s teat?
Better for who???
Good point!
thanks
I know I’ve witnessed a cow being milked. When or where, I don’t remember. I know it’s part of my past. That would be pretty awful to be thrown into a barn and milked every morning at crack of dawn. How horrible! I’m never drinking milk now. Look what you’ve done to me!
For some reason the fact that you watched a cow being milked without raising a protest bothers me… what about female solidarity???
I was a youngster, I’m sure. I had yet to grow my own breasts. Cut me some slack!
I remember the days before I had… never mind… you should read the interview I just posted… I may have found the most awesome 17-year-old on the planet…
I mostly milk cartons and gallon bottles, but I’ve done it once with a real cow, for about 10 seconds.
I am assuming when you say you have done it with a cow that we are still talking about milking… HA!!!!!
Ummmm…. Yes, about milking…
phew
No, but I’ve milked many a good joke
HA!
I have not milked a cow, nor will I probably ever milk a cow.
Take a stand!
Never milked a cow. Did fall into a slurry pit once – Chocomilk?
As for someone abducting me and milking me daily – my front teat has dreams of such things!
Oh, my… good answer… and endangered species milk is so tasty!
I have never milked anything much less a cow. And I don’t think I would want to be milked every morning by some stranger without even asking. That would just be rude!
That is my point exactly.
And you have two very nice points there… uh… so to speak.
I have. While backpacking in New Mexico (at Philmont Scout Ranch), one of the places we stopped was a working ranch, and we had to learn each of the chores. I remember it being easy. It was definitely easier than catching the chickens. They are fast. Really, really fast.
But did you enjoy doing it… in an almost weird way? We want details!
I don’t remember being grossed out, but I don’t remember enjoying it either. I think I was just fascinated by the whole thing, captivated by the magic of doing something I had always romanticized (get your minds out of the gutter, you weirdos). You know, as a kid, didn’t you want to be a cowboy, or grow up on a ranch/farm? I still had the idea that that kind of life was simpler/better. So, getting to be a part of that for a day was awesome, even if I had no idea what I was doing.
I know exactly what you mean… I felt that way about touching any kind of mammalian appendage when I was young.
I have no idea what to say to that.
That was the idea.
I figured.
Yeah you did
I know. That’s why I said it.
Yeah you did
If you hadn’t noticed, I’m testing your resolve to always get the last word.
Just so you know.
Many have tried, none have prevailed… just so you know
I understand it will be a challenge. I wouldn’t waste my time if it weren’t. Or something like that.
Keep up the good work…
I’ll do my best. But, since I don’t have any crack squirrels of my own, I’m not sure my best will be good enough.
They do come in handy.
Do you loan them out?
That would be irresponsible… and I can’t actually control them.
I just realized that I’ll never win if I keep asking you questions.
Won’t you?
I think it drastically reduces my chances.
Does it?
Well, I haven’t done any scientific experiments to prove or disprove my hypothesis, but it would surely seem to be the case, yes.
Are you running an experiment now?
Not yet. I’m still working on the theory, and then I’ll have to gather test subjects… and without any crack squirrels to use, I’ll have to find some other “volunteers.”
humans… or cows…
I don’t have any cows either.
I do have a bunch of humans though. That’s a good idea.
Might as well use them for something.
I’m pretty good at putting people to work in the kingdom, so they do all have tasks already. But, I could probably find some with some extra time to spare for an experiment.
Use the ones in the dungeon…
*forehead slap* Great idea!!
You are welcome.
You are very gracious.
It’s a gift.
Who gave it to you?
The squirrels?
You aren’t sure?
How could I be?
They didn’t leave a note with the gift?
It was put on my doorstep in a basket.
How biblical.
No, it didn’t float down the Nile in a reed basket…
That’s good, because I was going to wonder how the Nile redirected to San Diego…
Minion engineering project number 47
I need to get some minions. You’d think, having my own kingdom, I would have a few already. But, I doubt. It’s sad, really. And somewhat ridiculous.
They are shy and crafty and hard to lure…
Oh. Maybe that’s my problem. I kept thinking they would just show up. I didn’t know I need to track them down.
dude…
sweet?
Why yes… yes I am…
and sticky?
uh… I try not to be,,,
“try” is a funny word. Yoda would not approve.
One cannot always control one’s own stickiness… one can only remove it afterwards.
That’s a measure of acceptance and control that I’m comfortable with.
You might as well be.
Have you tried tranquilizer darts or nets?
Both good suggestions. I’ll get right on that.
do it
I will.
(and don’t think I didn’t notice we now have 3 conversation threads going.)
Is that all?
It sure seems like more. Have you counted? How many back and forth comments are we up to?
How would I even find that out? All I know is that I have at least two posts that have over 1,000 comments on them. Are you really going for a record here?
Over a 1,000 comments? No. I wasn’t going for that record. I’m just trying to get the last word in. That’s the victory I want.
How do you think that happened? Some other young buck comes to town, wants to go up against the fastest draw in the West… cue the cool harmonica music… I put on my shootin’ shades and a serape, and we meet in the dusty street under a blazing sun.
Then it’s all slow motion bullet impacts and long shots of buzzards flying around over your corpse…
My corpse?
Have you ready my comedy western?
Nobody is a faster draw than me. Nobody. Especially not some exdeadhead from San Diego. 😛
The beauty of the comment shootout is that it doesn’t take speed… it takes wit, free time, strong fingers, and a tough behind.
And if you are going for a record, talk to Zoe and Trent and Hiddinsight… they are the masters of this game
I’ve talk to one of the three regularly, and have sparred with one of the other ones. Is that good enough?
If it is good enough for you, it’s good enough for me… We do not need to find a large number of minions… three crazy ones who never stop commenting is enough.
See, I am making it easy for you, because you feel the need to answer when I phrase stuff as a question… right?
I saw what you were doing. And, yes, you are correct.
Are you sure?
I’m positive.
And are you happy about that?
I’m always happy. Part of being a Jester.
Are you happy with the bump this double layered conversation is making in your stats?
You figured that out, did you?
It’s not like you were trying to hide it.
Hide it… I brag about it…
I think that’s basically what I said.
oh… right
Good times.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…
I thought it was a lager drink and we were singing songs or something.
That too.
I almost typed “good times” again and then remembered I had already said. *phew* That would have been embarrassing.
I might not have noticed… I am getting so many comments right now I can’t keep up. I should just type ‘ha’, copy it, and cut it and paste it.
That would work. For awhile I was just copy/pasting “Thanks for the comment!” No one ever caught on.
I am scared of the wordpress robot army
Well, you have had problems with them before. But, I think things you do on your own sight are less scrutinized than when you spam other sites…
Oh, I will take my pants back off then…
Might as well. There are plenty of people out there who blog naked. I’m surprised you haven’t taken part in Miss Four Eye’s naked blogging revolution already.
My chair is scratchy…
Get a new chair. Haven’t the sales from all your books afforded you that splurge yet?
not at all… sigh…
Don’t worry. The Monkey Revolution is coming!
Hmm… after I do some shameless self promotion for my book, perhaps I’ll do some shameless promotion for all the other blogger books I know are out there…
Pondering, pondering, pondering…
That seems to work.
I’ll see what I can do then, when the time comes.
The time is now… unleash the love-spreading suckupiness of war!
I’m not sure that love-spreading and war usually go together.
Then you are doing it wrong…
I get that a lot.
oh… sorry…
You don’t need to apologize. It’s not your fault. Anyway, I don’t think it’s your fault.
It might be… most things are…
I thought you blamed everything on the crack squirrels?
They are me and I am them and we are we and we are all together.
That. Was. Deep.
Or, shallow. I can’t decide.
Deep at one end and shallow at the other… like a pool…
If you tip it on one side do you… pour all your art out?
😀
That is exactly how it works.
Brilliant.
It isn’t easy to pick it up.
I wouldn’t think otherwise.
wouldn’t you?
Um, no.
why not???
Because.
duh
hey now, I will sick the minions on you.
Meh. I can’t take them.
Wait, you can or you can’t? Because there are a lot of them.
Whoops.
I CAN take them.
Honestly. Sometimes I worry about me.
Okay… that one confused me… and you too, I guess. HA!
Fingers decided I couldn’t. Brain wasn’t happy with that answer so had to revoke the fingers privilege of typing unsupervised.
I hate it when the brain gets all power hungry.
*fist shaking* Stupid brain!
Poke it… with your fingers… the hands always win!
Dang. I tried, but my skull got in the way. Stupid protective barrier covering my stupid brain!!
You need to go in through the ear or the eye.
I got drunk once (only once!) and ended up milking a cow, but it turns out I wasn’t on a farm or anywhere near one… I don’t know what was going on that night.
That is why we need to get to know each other… to find out which ones to keep our eyes on…
Good point. I think.
It is
Never milked a cow and never tipped one either, but I’m from Alabama not Nebraska so…
They don’t have cows there??? HA!
I haven’t milked a cow, but I like to tell people I did.
That is crazier than the question…